Shalia's Diary #9

by Tracy St. John

  November 18

  I was shaken awake before sunrise by the clan. I was sleeping in their room after a romp-a-licious night of fun. I had a hard time rousing. “What? Wassat?” I mumbled.

  “Get up, Shalia,” Meyso said, his voice still thick with sleep. “A call came in from Kini. Matara Eve is hysterical and they can’t calm her down. They don’t want to sedate her until they find out what’s wrong. She’s demanding you come right away.”

  Good morning, life. I bet it’s Monday back on Earth.

  If we’d slept more than an hour, I’ll kiss a Tragoom. I was reminded Kalquorians need a lot less sleep than Earthers did by how quickly the clan became alert. Particularly Jaon, who looked as ready to rumble as ever.

  Even Meyso, who had been almost as out of it as I was when I woke, had his shit together within seconds. “I’ve commed the medical staff, and all her numbers are in normal range,” he reported as he helped me pull clothes on and untangle my hair. “This seems to be a purely emotional issue, nothing else. She’s in no physical danger.”

  “Okay,” I said sluggishly, staggering around in circles as he finished getting me ready. “I’ll go see if I can calm her down. Can I borrow a shuttle?” Thank goodness Aslada had started teaching me to fly the Kalquorian version of a personal craft. I could handle his pretty well by now.

  Bless those men, the whole clan came with me despite my protestations that they didn’t need to. Jaon piloted while Aslada and Meyso made sure I had coffee to pour down my throat so I’d wake up. By the time we reached the clinic, my head still felt like it weighed a ton, but my eyes were open.

  I could hear Mom sobbing from the hub of the rehab area where she was kept these days. Her voice broken with grief, she kept pleading, “Where’s Sha-Sha-Shalia? I nuh-need Shalia.”

  I rushed into her room. “I’m here, Mom.”

  She exploded into tears. Her desperate entreaties became, “Don’t hate me, baby. I’m so sorry. Don’t hate me.”

  The relief on Dr. Kini’s face was palpable. He’d seen Mom enraged and spiteful, but he’d never witnessed her in the throes of a major depressive episode. Which was what it looked like she was having. I’d seen this before.

  I sat on the side of her bed and used her bedsheet as a tissue, wiping the streaming tears off her cheeks. “I don’t hate you, Mom. I get mad, the same as you do, but I don’t hate you.”

  “I had a dream. You were screaming you hated me, and you would make Anrel hate me too.” She was inconsolable.

  Yep, this was exactly as I’d seen her throughout my life. I looked at Meyso. “This is a massive depression attack. I thought the surgery was going to fix it so she didn’t have lows like this anymore.”

  He was consulting a computer screen on the other side of Mom’s bed. “The chemical regulation is normal, love. Sometimes depression is simply depression. Not part of something else.”

  Kini, looking like he’d been waken in the middle of the night the same as us, smoothed his ruffled hair. “That’s true. Matara Eve has been under tremendous stress. All the same issues that made her angry are now feeding this reaction. It’s the same thing, just a different emotion.”

  Maybe they thought it was normal for her to be bawling in the middle of the night, but it felt like the same shit we’d always known. Damn it, why couldn’t there be a magic cure-all for my mother? I felt angry and knew why. Despite all the warnings Meyso, Tep, Feru, and all the other medical professionals I’d consulted with for Mom, I guess some part of me had still expected a miracle. It hadn’t happened, and she continued to suffer. Maybe worse than before.

  Why had we even bothered? Nothing had really changed, except for the setting. I thought maybe I had made a mistake in trying to ‘cure’ Mom. I’d played God with her life, and God laughed at me.

  Mom broke into my hopeless thoughts. “Make them go away, Shalia. Make the rest of them go away.”

  I sighed and waved them all towards the door. “This may take a while, so go nap or something.”

  Aslada came over first, brushing a consoling kiss across my lips. “We’ll be close. If you need anything at all, call to us.”

  Jaon and Meyso also kissed me and murmured encouragement. Kini said he’d be nearby. I knew he’d hover outside the door, listening in and gathering information on the latest Eve meltdown in the hopes of making her brain nice and pretty for society.

  When it was just her and me, I smiled gently at her, trying to soothe her as I had so often in the years I’d been her daughter. “Now, as for that dream. It was only a nightmare. Not real. Didn’t I bring Anrel to see you these last two days? I’m not taking her from her mimi who loves her so much.”

  “I wish I was dead.” Mom’s breath hitched as she looked away from me. At least she was no longer sobbing. “I have no place here. I have no life. You should have left me on Earth to die with it.”

  “You know I couldn’t do any such thing. I love you. You drive me nuts, to the point where I could strangle you, but I do love you.”

  Mom shook her head, her lined face creasing with torment. “But what am I supposed to do with my life? My body is weak. I’m too old to be of any good to anyone. I don’t have skills that anyone around here can use. Have you seen this technology? We didn’t have half this stuff on Earth.”

  “Mom, no one expects you to work. I’ll take care of you. The clans who have asked to court me have already said you’d be welcome in their home if I am compatible enough to be their Matara.”

  She crooked a brow at me. “Al, Jay, and Mikey said that? You’ve got to be kidding me.”

  I winked. “They said it before they met you, but they haven’t rescinded the offer so far. I think it’s still good.”

  She shook her head. “I don’t belong here. I don’t belong anywhere.”

  “Of course you do. You have to be somewhere, right?”

  A few more tears leaked from her eyes. “How can I? I’m not even myself anymore. I don’t know this person in my head.” She blinked at me, fear bleeding into her expression. “It isn’t me. I keep trying to find myself and be myself, but it’s like another person has taken me over. I feel like I’ve been erased.”

  Oh God. It was exactly what I’d feared when I decided to let them treat the bipolar disorder. She’d lost herself. She acted like the mother I’d known, but she was saying that person was gone. Mom was fighting not me or the doctors. She was fighting this unknown person who had assumed her identity.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered. “Mom, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean this to happen to you. I only wanted you to be happy.”

  “So what do I do?” she whispered back, as frightened as a child. “What do I do with this person who isn’t me?”

  I had no answer to give her.

  Mom finally calmed down enough to sleep. Kini told me that this disclosure of Mom’s feelings was a step in the right direction.

  Sure it is. It isn’t his mind that’s been usurped by a clinically sound but foreign personality. He’s not the one who signed off on it. I did.

  I have fucked up plenty of times, but this might be the most colossal of them all. Prophets forgive me.

  November 19

  I guess things are getting better. Mom has been calm since her crying jag. She’s pleasant to all, her jabs at even Kini downright friendly rather than verbal attacks. Again, fairly typical behavior from her after a depressive episode. The one thing that’s different is how much quieter she tends to be. She’s thinking hard about things. What specific things, I can’t imagine. Or maybe I can and just don’t want to.

  It feels as if fate is holding its breath before unleashing its next storm on our heads. I know I’m being paranoid, but hey, I’m Shalia Monroe. I think I’ve earned the right to be paranoid when things quiet down.

  I still regret having her undergo the surgery. I’ve toyed with the idea of having Meyso remove the regulator in her brain. If Mom isn’t going to change and if she feels worse because she no longer recognizes herself, wh
at’s the point of this at all? Yet Kini is ecstatic over what he feels has been a major breakthrough, and I know he’ll argue vehemently against making her Eve one-point-oh again. He may even resort to legal means to prevent it from happening. I figure if we give it a few weeks and she doesn’t improve, I’ll have more of a case for undoing the wrong. So now it’s wait and see.

  More not-so-great news came today. Elwa and her clan are going home to the capital city tomorrow.

  “It’s time,” she told me when I saw her at the clinic today. “Eve has turned a corner. I think the worst is behind you all. And you desperately need more time with Clan Aslada without extra people looking over your shoulder. Theirs is a worthy clan. You four along with Anrel need the opportunity to explore all facets of your relationship.”

  “I don’t think I would have survived these last few weeks without you,” I said, not exaggerating in the least. “I’m going to miss having you around.”

  “I’m as close as your com,” Elwa insisted, hugging me to her side. “When you return to the Matara Complex, we’ll practically be neighbors. That standing date to have dinner every other week still applies when you get back, by the way. No excuses, young lady.”

  Clan Aslada showed their gratitude for all Elwa had done by giving her and her clan a grand dinner celebration tonight. The great cavernous dining hall was dressed to the nines, with fine tableware and festive decorations. Each dish served was exquisite, made by some celebrity chef from the other continent. I don’t think any king in a palace filled with lords and ladies ever had a more sumptuous and rich banquet. It was over the top, but the room was filled with laughter and stories. I was able to forget the distress connected to Mom’s recovery in those hours during which we toasted each other and made Anrel giggle as she was passed around from one adoring fan to the next.

  I hate to see Clan Serndi leave, but they have their own lives to lead. That they came at all means a lot to me. And it turns out, they weren’t just there so Elwa could lend support to me and Mom. Quiet asides with Serndi, Hilon, and Alfra revealed they’d been keeping an eye on how I was treated by Clan Aslada.

  Dramok Serndi summed up their appraisal best. “A worthy clan, Shalia. You have a few issues to work out with them, as any woman embarking on a new relationship would. We don’t feel there is anything that can’t be overcome with patience and understanding and time. If love should spark in your heart for these men, then you should answer its call and join Aslada’s clan. They’ll do right by you and Anrel.”

  A resounding endorsement, and one I trust. Once I can settle my mind about Mom, I’m going to do my best to concentrate on discovering if I do have a future with Clan Aslada.

  November 20

  A sad morning followed by an amazing afternoon. Ah well, that’s life, isn’t it? Bad to make the good that much sweeter.

  Saying goodbye to Betra’s parents was hard. I hadn’t fully realized until this morning how much I’d come to rely on Elwa running interference between me and Mom. I admit to feeling terrified to have to cope without her advice and strength to bolster me.

  She did leave me with one last nugget of wisdom before boarding the shuttle that would take her back home. Pulling me aside as she snuggled Anrel goodbye, Elwa said, “You’ve been strong before. You’ll be strong now. Both with your mother and Clan Aslada.”

  I looked at her in surprise. “Is there something about the boys you don’t like?”

  She chuckled. “No, they are wonderful men. They deserve any chance you can give them to prove themselves. In fact, I believe they have proved themselves in many ways already. And you care for them.”

  I nodded. “I do. I can picture a future with them as my mates and Anrel’s fathers.”

  “They would do well by you. But don’t get swept up in the moment or what they can offer you and this gorgeous child. You don’t have to compromise yourself, so don’t.”

  I gazed over at the men, talking and laughing with Elwa’s clanmates. A rush of affection and desire warmed me. “I don’t think it’s come to that at any time.”

  “Good. Nothing is worse than losing yourself or your values to make something happen that shouldn’t.” Her eyes twinkled. “But remember not to discount them immediately when trouble arises either. Those three have strong personalities, as do you. You will be at odds from time to time. If you use those challenging moments to grow as a clan and not tear each other apart, it will work out fine.”

  She kissed Anrel and me goodbye. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have to wipe a few tears away as the shuttle disappeared into the distance.

  A check on Mom’s schedule showed she was in physical rehab, so we went back to Clan Aslada’s hill mansion. The men seemed to pick up on my blue mood. They decided to shake me out of it.

  Aslada summoned Snoy to take Anrel to the nursery, where a new shipment of toys had just been unpacked. They are spoiling my kid to the extreme with the goodies. I don’t think a child has ever had so many things to play with. I’m not even sure Anrel can spend more than five minutes with each toy and get to them all before she’s a teenager. It’s crazy how much the guys dote on my little girl.

  And me. As soon as Anrel was whisked away, Jaon slung me over his shoulder. Over my admittedly weak and not-heartfelt protests, we were off to the playroom.

  I know I’ve mentioned the room was vast. I’m not sure I’ve seen everything in it yet. During the previous visit, I had noticed the strange setup of a thick, pillowy square of fabric, much like a comforter, with two smooth logs at either end. This was in a kind of raised alcove, with three undecorated walls making it almost a separate room apart from the larger play area. I’d wondered about the bizarre tableau, particularly the logs. What place did they have in the playroom? I’d been kept too distracted to ask about it before.

  This was where Jaon carried me. He set me down so I lounged in the middle of the comforter.

  “Computer, vid a hilltop view,” Aslada said as he and Meyso joined us.

  I gasped as the three walls and ceiling disappeared, replaced by scenery that must have been from the peak of one of the hills the mansion resided in. Blue skies with a few clouds scudding overhead stretched as far as the eye could see. Beyond the comforter was a stretch of lush grass. A massive tree loomed nearby, casting its shadow to one side. The only thing missing was the breeze I saw making the sapphire-blue leaves flutter.

  The men sank down around me, settling on the comforter. “Wow,” I said, looking all around us. “This is certainly different. And amazing.”

  Aslada sat back, using one log as support to lean against. He motioned me over. I crawled to him, happy to nestle between his legs, my back against his chest, my head pillowed on his shoulder. I sighed and relaxed, enjoying this delightful oasis in the middle of the somewhat dungeon-like playroom.

  Aslada shifted me a little before letting his hot hand burrow beneath my blouse. It slipped up my abdomen and tugged my bra up, freeing my breasts so he could cup their naked weight in his palm. As if given a signal, my nipples stiffened into eager points. My pussy went wet for him and the other two men watching us. I’m so damned easy. With Aslada, Meyso, and Jaon, I don’t care. I’ll be easy for them anytime, anywhere.

  His other hand slid against the crotch of my slacks, claiming his right to touch wherever he pleased. I trembled, my legs falling slightly apart in surrender to his unspoken demand.

  “So much of our time together has either been filled with stress,” Aslada said in a careful tone. “We’ve managed a few precious hours here and there, but not nearly enough. Now the territory government is about to go back into session, and I will be spending long hours at work. Meyso has patients he must treat, and Jaon must also return to his job.”

  I tensed, wondering if we weren’t going to pursue our clanning potential after all. I looked up at him. He shook his head with a gentle smile.

  “I am not blaming you for how our relationship has gone so far. I hope you don’t blame us either. Can we try t
his again? When your mother is better and we can spend real time with you and Anrel? My schedule runs by quarters, so if you don’t mind delaying judgment on our compatibility until we can have a real holiday, say in about ten weeks?”

  I relaxed again. Well, as much as his busy hands and my wakening libido would allow me to relax. Far from giving me up as a decent Matara, Aslada was asking me to give his clan a second round, when we could concentrate on each other exclusively.

  I beamed, adoring him for thinking me worth the effort. “Of course I want to give this another try. You three have been wonderful through all of this. I can’t begin to express my gratitude.”

  There were relieved smiles all around. Meyso sighed, “Thank the ancestors you’re not evaluating us on so little time spent together alone. It’s been a real concern to us.”