Shalia's Diary #9

by Tracy St. John

  “But I want you.” Elwa’s words of how I’d regret not having more time if Mom should go away mocked me now. I’d thought it only applied if Mom died, but this was almost as bad.

  “It’s not forever,” Mom said. “You can visit me, and I’ll come to see you when I’m in a better place emotionally. You’ve already sacrificed a lot to get me this far, Shalia. I just need you to give up a little more…the time for the old Eve to be put to rest and time for the new Eve to find her place.”

  When I stumbled out of her room after her rehab orderly took her to her session, still reeling from this unforeseen turn of events, I found all of Clan Aslada and Dr. Kini waiting for me. I stared at the psychologist’s kind face as he waited for whatever hysterics or fury I was to unleash on him.

  I didn’t have the strength for either. All I could do was ask, “Why?”

  He gave me a comforting smile. “She feels she needs a clean slate to start from. A new situation in which she can begin again.”

  I swept an arm around. “This isn’t new? She isn’t creating a new life now?”

  “In some respects, no. One important part of her old life remains.”

  “Me.” My voice went flat. “She can’t stand to be around me.”

  “She can’t stand to be around the guilt of her past with you. She looks at you and sees regret for what your relationship could have been. The constant reminder that you didn’t have the typical mother-daughter dynamic is eating at her, Shalia.” His look turned sad. “The anger, the unkind words, the judgments she’s making…it’s all coming from a place that has nothing to do with any actions you’ve taken. It’s all about what she feels is her failure.”

  “Shouldn’t she face that?” I asked, grasping for a way to stop her from leaving. “Isn’t it irresponsible to let her run away from her problems?”

  “If she wasn’t already facing the larger problem of redefining who Eve Monroe is now.” Kini held his hands out, as if surrendering to me. “I signed off on her request for transfer because I agree that should be the priority. Trust me when I say neither she nor I took this matter lightly. She does not want to run away from you and Anrel. You two are everything to her right now. All she has left. But she can’t be the person she wants to be for you until she gets this self-identity matter cleared up.”

  I sagged all over, defeat settling in my gut like a stone. “You are sure this is best for her?”

  “For all of you. For that healthy relationship you both want, you must agree this is best. You still have to sign off on it.”

  I gave him a startled look. “I do?”

  “Power of attorney, remember? You are in control of your mother’s care,” Aslada said.

  Damn it. Another decision I had to make on Mom’s behalf. As if I hadn’t made enough of the wrong ones already.

  “Son of a bitch,” I muttered. “I should have never taken the responsibility. I’m no good at it.”

  Kini smiled. “Don’t be so sure. In the end, you may decide you were right in the first place.”

  “At least this time, it’s what your mother wants,” Meyso reminded me.

  “Fuck,” I groaned. “Give me the damned paperwork. I owe her this decision.”

  It wasn’t as hard to give permission for Mom to run off as it had been for me to take control over her life. But it was still hard. I was letting her go. Sending her away from me and Anrel. Sure she wanted to go, but hadn’t it been agreed she wasn’t the best judge of how to run her life? But then, I hadn’t done such a hot job of it either.

  Ah, fuck. There doesn’t seem to be any choice that doesn’t suck the happy out of my soul.

  After Kini left us, we went into Meyso’s office. We went to his sitting area with the seating cushions. I let Aslada pull me into his lap. He cuddled me close, and all three men petted me as I dealt with this latest catastrophe.

  “Damn it, Shalia,” Jaon complained. “Quit with the moral struggles already. If you’d give me an actual enemy to fight, I could prove myself so much better to you.”

  I managed a weak laugh. “Sorry. Give me an hour to handle your request. I’ve already proven I can make enemies quick, so you’re in luck.”

  “Eve will be all right, lover,” Meyso promised. “I’ve visited the facility she’s going to. I’ve attended training seminars there. It’s topnotch with some of the most advanced techniques in the Galactic Council’s membership.”

  “I can’t believe she’s going,” I said. “I’ve never been more than an hour away from her. Even when she was in stasis on the transport and I couldn’t see her, I at least knew she was right there.”

  Aslada kissed me. “She’ll be only a few days away by shuttle. Any time you want to visit her after she’s ready, I’ll send you. Just say the word, and you and Anrel are off with the best accommodations money can buy.”

  I sighed. “It’s more than the physical separation. The woman I spoke to this morning…for the last few days. So calm. So quiet. Is that the real Eve without the mental difficulties? Because if it is, I don’t know her.”

  There. I’d finally said what I didn’t want to admit even to myself. Though I’d worried out loud about the changes Mom might undergo and having to adjust to that, I’d never come right out and said I didn’t want her to really change. Because I might not know her as my mother any more. As much as I want her to have a happy life, as much as I thought I wanted a decent relationship, I don’t want a woman I can’t recognize.

  “I’m officially the most selfish person alive,” I said. “How can I want to hold her back, just so I’m comfortable?”

  “Because change is terrifying,” Meyso said, his chuckle indulgent. “And let’s face it; you’ve faced more change in a few months than most people do in their entire lives.”

  “Crazy changes,” Aslada agreed. “Your planet wiped out. Your way of life torn apart. Hostile aliens trying to kill or kidnap you. That’s only to start with,” he laughed.

  “A sick mother and baby relying on you,” Jaon added. “Living among another race of beings. Trying to find a home. By the ancestors, woman, how are you still sane?”

  I tried not to feel good about what they said. I was determined to acknowledge this ugly knowledge that to stay comfortable, I was willing to think about keeping Mom miserable. Not that I’d actually do it, but I was able to at least entertain the idea.

  But with three fabulously handsome and wonderful men insisting I wasn’t as bad as I am, I couldn’t help but lose a little of remorse for being a rotten daughter. Ugh, damn those guys for being so understanding.

  “Fine. She’s going. I’m waving goodbye and forcing myself to hope her dreams all come true. Even if that means I lose her.” I knuckled away tears that weren’t so much regret as the frightened emotion of the little girl who still lived in me. The child who had known only one mom and was deathly terrified of never having any part of her again.

  I wish I could grow up. I wish I could be a good person without having to fight myself for it. Why can’t I be a generous, decent human being automatically? I suck at being a nice person. I really do.

  November 24

  So I did it. I gave my mom my personal blessing to go to the Galactic Council’s facility, far from me. I damned near choked on it, but I did it.

  Heavenly prophets, she looked so relieved even though she knew I’d signed off on it. Me saying it was okay meant a lot to her. So even though my heart’s not in it, I guess it’s the right thing to do after all.

  “If your psychiatric team okays it, we could set up regular coms. That way Anrel can keep seeing you. She won’t forget her mimi,” I said.

  “That’s a great idea, Shalia,” Mom said. “I’ll ask to do it weekly. If they say that’s too much, I’ll demand monthly coms, at the very least.” A hint of the old go-to-hell Eve sparked in her eye. “And I’ll expect message updates from you. Any news you have to share, send it voice without waiting for live coms. Just because we can’t talk everyday doesn’t mean I don’t wan
t to know what’s happening.”

  “Got it. You’ll hear all the latest and greatest. Do you want stills?”

  “Damned right I want stills. And when that baby starts walking, I’d better get a vid or it’s your ass.”

  Okay. Maybe they wouldn’t ‘cure’ all of the old Eve away from the new one. And I’ll be honest; it was good to see something in her face I couldn’t remember seeing before. Hope.

  Her eyes were distant as she contemplated what her future might hold. “I wish I could say I can be anything, but I doubt I’ll ever complete a marathon or scale a mountain at this late date. But there are opportunities. I can study art. Writing. Nursing. Hell, I might decide to go into psychiatry. I’ll come back and analyze old Dr. Ken until he agrees he’s full of shit.”

  I laughed, but I felt shaky. Yep, still plenty of the old Mom, but there was a lot of that new personality showing up too. The mix of familiar and stranger was unsettling.

  This is her life. She has every right to it and what she wants to make of it. I’m not a clinging child. I’m not going to hang on if she needs to move away to realize the real Eve. What the hell, this separation is good practice for when Anrel grows up and enters her adult life.

  Mom smiled at me with that strange peace that’s showing up more and more each day. “You have so many opportunities I didn’t. Even before Earth was blasted all to hell, you had a good head on your shoulders. Don’t sell yourself short, Shalia. Don’t let anyone stand in your way of who you want to be, even if it’s someone who loves you. Or three someones.”

  I nodded. “It’s easy to get lost in the expectations of others.”

  “In the end, you have to live with yourself. With the creature in your head who won’t let you pretend, who can see behind the mask you put on for the rest. Even when you think you’ve drowned her out, she’s waiting for the moment things go quiet so she can shove the truth in your face.”

  I nodded. Mom might have her issues, but she is not a dummy. Stupid never made it onto her ingredients list.

  Mom sighed and leaned back in her chair to stare at the ceiling. “You can have companions on this journey of life. You can even share with them the entirety of what’s in your heart. But when you’re alone and no one is around to distract you, you realize that in the end, you’re on your own.” She sat up straight and looked me in the eye. “If I never give you another word of wisdom, I’ll give you this. You have to be able to face who you’ve been and what you’ve done when that moment comes. Let me tell you, kiddo, all the excuses in the world sound empty when it comes to that point. If you know right from wrong, you have no justification for the damage you’ve put out there.”

  I wasn’t sure if she was referring to herself or me. Maybe she meant both of us. In any case, she was right. Words to live by. I needed to etch them in my heart and mind, so I could do better by those who depend on me.

  Three days until Mom leaves. I hate that she’s going. I hate that not so long ago I was willing to give her up. Regrets, regrets, regrets galore. I am indeed facing what I’ve done. Did I have justification? I thought so at the time. Now I’m not sure, and I also don’t know if I can excuse myself if I was wrong.

  At least Mom and I will part on decent ground. It’s not what I wanted it to be. It’s not even close. But all I can do now is reap what I’ve sown and try to do better from now on.

  November 27

  It was only a little over a month ago that I was sure I was done with painful goodbyes. Yeah, shows what I know. Never say never, Shalia. That one little word is the best way to make sure something happens after all.

  I got on board the space transport with Mom to see her off. I carried Anrel and watched as the attendants got Mom settled in her seat in her little private berth. Clan Aslada had sprung for the personal cabin because they are ever the too-generous gang.

  They had come on board too. Meyso oversaw the attendants to make sure Mom was comfortable in her big, comfy seat. The cabin came with an attendant who would fix her drinks and snacks and see to her every need.

  As soon as she was settled, Meyso told her, “The medical center you’re going to has my contact information. Anything you need, anything at all even if it’s not health-related, com me.”

  “Including a troupe of dancing men?” Mom cracked. “Thanks, Mikey. You three take care and be good to my little girl and her little girl.”

  “Absolutely. Good luck to you, Matara Eve. I hope we can see you again soon.”

  Aslada bowed to Mom. “Best of luck to you, Matara. I look forward to our next meeting.”

  She snorted at him. “Sure you do. See you later, Al. Take care, Jay.” She nodded to Jaon.

  As Jaon grinned and added his bow, Aslada gave me a wink. “Come on, Mikey and Jay. Let’s give these women privacy for their goodbyes.”

  “Right behind you, Al.” Jaon touched my elbow for an instant. “Five minutes until takeoff, my lovely.”

  They left. It was time to send Mom off.

  I handed her Anrel, who crowed when her mimi covered her sweet face with tearful kisses. “I will miss you, my little sweetheart,” Mom said, her voice hitching slightly. “Next time I see you, I will be a far better mimi than you would have had if I hadn’t gone.”

  It was an oblique message for me. Mom was doing this not only for herself, but for the close relationship she wanted with Anrel. The one she and I had not been able to have.

  I bent to hug her, torn between gratitude and loss. “Good luck, Mom. Com me when you get there, okay? Let me know everything is okay.”

  “I will be fine,” she said. “As for my rehab and medical team…well, say a prayer for those poor bastards.”

  I had to laugh. Maybe the best parts of the old Eve would hang in there, the tough and self-deprecating woman who had taught me to take shit from no one. I hoped so.

  Most of our last moments were spent with her devoting love and attention to Anrel. Too soon, the call came that the shuttle was ready to go. My heart heavy and yet hopeful, I left her in the hands of the attendant who’d introduced himself as Imdiko Meckra. Mom was already calling him ‘Mack’.

  Her final farewell to me was, “I love you, Shalia. Remember to shoot first and ask questions later.”

  After her shuttle lifted into the sky, carrying Eve Monroe into the heavens and who knew what adventures, Aslada took us all to lunch at another fabulous restaurant where the waiters sang between taking orders. Anrel loved it, warbling along in her sweet nonsense babble to the delight of patrons and staff alike. It was fun, though with a bittersweet undercurrent for yours truly. If anyone noticed me occasionally wiping my eyes, they didn’t comment on it.

  From there, we flew to the mountains where a luxury getaway nestled within a cave system. “A retreat frequented by those who are well-known within the Empire,” Aslada informed me. “The staff is discreet, having signed non-disclosure contracts about the patrons. This place is a private playground for those who need it most.”

  Manny Snoy awaited us there to take Anrel to a tiny grotto to play in a little baby-sized pool of warm spring water. Aslada, Meyso, and Jaon led me into a private cavern where a waterfall splashed into a much larger clan-sized pool of fluorescent turquoise water. Nearby, a huge tent had been set up, its flaps closed so that I couldn’t see inside.

  Naughty naked play ensued in the pool, as it was meant to. We splashed and laughed during a game that resembled tag, except whoever was ‘It’ was required to grab intimate parts. The guys always insisted on chasing me, and grabs were supplemented with fondling before I was sent to tag someone else. By the time Aslada called the game off, I was wet from more than the pool, and the guys looked like they could have knocked down the walls of our cavern with their dicks. Aroused? You betcha.

  They led me into the tent, our bodies dripping and ready for love. I knew the inside of the tent…a pavilion really, from the size of the thing…would be sumptuous. Clan Aslada does nothing on the cheap. I was still flabbergasted at the thick piling
of rugs that made the floor more mattress than firm footing. At the embroidered draperies hanging from the supports. At the massive sleeping mat in one corner, covered in luxurious fabrics. Most impressive were the three chairs in the middle of the space. Chairs? Try thrones, intricately carved from marble with plush upholstery on the seat and back. Seats made for kings.

  Aslada rubbed his astounding body with one of the towels hanging on a gold metal rack near the entrance after tossing Meyso and Jaon theirs. I gave him a pretend insulted look. “Hellooo. Wet woman here too.”

  “I know.” He grinned as he looked me up and down. “And she looks divine when she’s all wet and shiny.”

  “Don’t blame me then when I drip all over your nice carpeting and ruin it,” I smarted, though I twisted this way and that to let him appreciate all of me.