Bumper Book of Humphrey's Tiny Tales 1

by Betty G. Birney

  Pick up the tube-covered glass and put it over the coin. Wave your hands and say some magic words. ‘Abracadabra’ and ‘Hocus-pocus’ are good ones or you can make up your own.

  Lift the tube off the glass. It will look as if the coin has disappeared, because the paper glued to the glass will hide it. Tell your audience, ‘See? The coin has disappeared.’

  Announce that you will make the coin re-appear.

  Cover the glass with the paper tube.

  Lift the tube-covered glass up and set it down in a different place. Now the coin is back! Your audience will be amazed.

  Make sure that the table covering matches the paper on the bottom of the glass exactly. You could cover the table with a large sheet of paper and cut the circle out of the same paper.

  Be careful that you never pick up the glass so the audience can see the bottom.

  Remember to pick the glass straight up.

  Don’t slide it.

  Don’t forget, all tricks take LOTS-LOTS-LOTS of practice, so don’t give up easily.

  a frog, is the other classroom pet in Room 26. He makes a funny sound: BOING!

  is our teacher. She really understands her students – even me!

  has a loud voice and calls me Humphrey Dumpty.

  is A.J.’s best friend and a good friend of mine, too.

  is unsqueakably smart, but she’s shy and doesn’t like to speak in class

  has golden hair, like I do. She also has a dog named Clem. Eeek!

  has a hamster named Winky!

  is A.J.’s grandmother. She LOVES-LOVES-LOVES hats!

  I think you’ll like my other friends, too, such as

  Repeat-It-Please-Richie, Pay-Attention-Art,

  Raise-Your-Hand-Heidi and Sit-Still-Seth.

  ‘Hang on, Humphrey,’ A.J. said.

  The car his mum was driving turned a corner and I slid across my cage.

  ‘I’m trying!’ I squeaked back.

  Car rides aren’t easy for hamsters like me.

  I don’t even have a seat belt.

  I’m the classroom hamster in Room 26 of Longfellow School.

  I get to ride in cars a lot because I go home with a different student each weekend.

  ‘This is my lucky day,’ A.J. told me. ‘Mrs Brisbane picked me to bring you home for the weekend. So I get to take you to the Pet Show.’

  A.J. and I had both been excited when Mrs Brisbane told us about the Pet Show.

  ‘This is your lucky day, too,’ A.J. told me. ‘You’re going to win a prize!’

  I crossed my paws and hoped he was right.

  ‘Remember, A.J., Humphrey might not win,’ A.J.’s mum said.

  ‘There are lots of prizes,’ A.J. explained. ‘He’s sure to win one of them. And I get to keep it!

  ‘Don’t you have to share it with the class?’ A.J.’s mum asked.

  ‘Humphrey’s my pet,’ A.J. said. ‘At least for the weekend.’

  He pulled out a paper and read to his mum while she drove.

  ‘Here are the prizes,’ he said, reading the list out loud.

  Just then my tummy jiggled and joggled.

  Was that because of the bumpy road?

  Or was it because I was worried that I might not win a prize?

  I didn’t want to let down my friends in Room 26. After all, they were counting on me to win.

  A.J.’s Grandma Grace leaned over and looked in my cage.

  ‘He’s one fine-looking hamster,’ she said.

  ‘Thanks a lot!’ I said. But like most humans, I’m sure all she heard was ‘SQUEAK-SQUEAK-SQUEAK.’

  I liked Grandma Grace.

  I liked Grandma’s Grace’s purple hat, too.

  When the car stopped, I slid across the floor of my cage.

  ‘We’re here,’ A.J.’s mum said.

  ‘Yay!’ A.J. shouted.

  ‘Yay!’ his younger brother Ty shouted. ‘Yay!’ his younger sister DeeLee shouted.

  ‘Goo!’ his baby brother shouted.

  ‘Eek!’ I squeaked quietly.

  *

  The Pet Show was in a big building in the middle of the park.

  Outside, it was nice and quiet.

  Inside, it was NOISY-NOISY-NOISY. And what noises there were!

  Barking, meowing, chirping, snarling!

  Yipping, yapping, squealing, shouting!

  Someone called out, ‘Quiet, please!’ But it still wasn’t quiet.

  ‘Here you go, Humphrey Dumpty,’ A.J. said as he set my cage on a table.

  I like it when A.J. calls me Humphrey Dumpty.

  I call him Lower-Your-Voice-A.J. because his voice is so loud. I have special names for all my friends in Room 26.

  While A.J.’s family went to see the other pets, I looked around the room.

  There was a lot to see, like dogs on leashes and cats in cages.

  There was a lot to hear, like a screeching sound that made my whiskers wiggle and my tail twitch.

  ‘BAWK!’ a voice said. ‘Crackers is pretty!’

  I wondered what kind of creature was such a screecher.

  Next, a soft voice said, ‘Hi, A.J.’

  I looked up and saw Sayeh from Room 26. I call her Speak-Up-Sayeh because she is VERY-VERY-VERY quiet.

  ‘Hi!’ A.J.’s voice boomed.

  Sayeh put a glass tank down next to me on the table.

  ‘Og!’ I squeaked.

  I was unsqueakably happy to see my friend Og.

  ‘Mrs Brisbane said I could bring him,’ Sayeh said. ‘I hope he wins a prize, too.’

  ‘BOING!’ Og said.

  He makes a very funny sound. He can’t help it. He’s a frog.

  He’s also my neighbour back in Room 26. His tank, which is half water and half land, sits right next to my cage.

  Next, A.J.’s best friend Garth showed up.

  I call him Wait-For-The-Bell Garth because he’s always the first one out of the door at the end of the day. He said he had come to see me win a prize.

  ‘Okay,’ A.J. said. ‘But I’m the one who keeps the prize because I brought Humphrey.’

  Another friend, Don’t-Complain-Mandy, arrived with her pet hamster, Winky. Mandy’s in Room 26, too. She doesn’t complain much since she got Winky.

  ‘I think Winky will win Most Friendly,’ she said.

  ‘I just hope one of us wins a prize,’ Winky squeaked to me from his cage.

  ‘Me, too,’ I said. Winky is one of my friendliest friends, so I meant it. But I still didn’t want to let A.J. down.

  Richie showed up with a box with holes in the sides. Mrs Brisbane always asks him to repeat his answers in class, so I call him Repeat-It-Please-Richie.

  ‘Hi, everybody!’ he said. ‘Want to see my new pet?’

  ‘I do!’ I squeaked.

  A.J., Garth and Sayeh gathered round as Richie took the lid off the box.

  ‘Meet Nick,’ Richie said.

  Garth’s eyes opened wide. ‘Wow!’ he said.

  ‘That’s amazing!’ A.J. said.

  ‘Amazing,’ Sayeh whispered.

  What made Nick so amazing? All I could see was a box.

  Richie put the box down next to me so that my cage was between the box and Og’s tank.

  I climbed up my ladder to get a better view, but all I could see were some leaves and twigs.

  Was Nick invisible? Or had he escaped?

  ‘There’s nothing there,’ I squeaked down to Og.

  ‘BOING-BOING!’ Og sounded disappointed, too.

  I was pretty sure that leaves and twigs couldn’t win a prize at the Pet Show.

  But I still wasn’t sure I could win one, either.

  ‘The Pet Show is about to begin,’ a voice said.

  I looked up at the stage and was surprised to see Carl was speaking. Carl worked at Pet-O-Rama, the shop where I lived before I came to Room 26.

  ‘Hi, Carl!’ I squeaked.

  He couldn’t hear me over the yipping, yapping, screeching and snarling.

  ‘Bawk! Cracke
rs will win!’ the screecher said. ‘Bawk!’

  I was already pretty sure Crackers would win the prize for Loudest Voice.

  Carl introduced the judges for the Pet Show.

  The first judge was Ginger Jones. She was a pet groomer from Pet-O-Rama.

  She smiled and waved to the crowd.

  The second judge was Stormy Smith. He was the weather man from TV.

  He smiled and waved to the crowd.

  The third judge was a real judge. A Justice of the Peace.

  Judge Lane waved to the crowd but he didn’t smile.

  Then the judges went to look at the cats.

  I heard a lot of meowing, growling and hissing, which was unsqueakably scary for a small hamster like me!

  Richie leaned down and spoke to Nick.

  ‘Don’t worry, Nick. You’re sure to win,’ he said.

  Who was this Nick, anyway? Why was Richie so sure he would win?

  ‘Og, maybe if I got up higher I could see him,’ I said.

  I scrambled to the top of my ladder, jumped onto my tree branch and climbed up to the very top.

  Then I carefully got up on my tip-toes and grabbed the top bars of the cage.

  Paw over paw, I worked my way to the corner. When I looked down, I felt a little dizzy, but maybe I would win the prize for Best Trick!

  But after all that climbing, all I saw was that pile of old leaves and twigs in the box next to my cage.

  Was Richie playing a trick on the judges?

  ‘There’s still nothing there, Og,’ I squeaked to my friend.

  Og splashed around in the water in his tank, but I knew he was disappointed.

  ‘And now, the Parade of Pooches,’ Carl announced.

  The owners brought their dogs out to the centre of the room. Luckily, they were on leashes. I must admit, I’ve been a bit afraid of dogs ever since I came nose-to-nose with an unsqueakably rude one named Clem.

  The dogs and their humans walked around in a circle while Carl introduced them.

  One dog named Oscar was LONG-LONG-LONG but his legs were SHORT-SHORT-SHORT. He looked like a giant hot dog. Carl said he was a dachshund.

  Then there was a tall, spotted dog named Smoky, who held his head high. He walked when his human walked and stopped when his human stopped.

  When his owner said, ‘Heel,’ Smoky followed right at her heels. Good dog!

  Next came a teeny-tiny dog named Cha-Cha. She walked very fast to keep up with her human.

  Doodles was a shaggy dog with no eyes at all. At least I couldn’t see any under all that fur. But he seemed to know where he was going.

  Then my heart went THUMPITY-THUMP-THUMP.

  I didn’t need to hear Carl say the next dog’s name. I’d know that big nose anywhere!

  It was Miranda’s dog, Clem. I love Golden-Miranda. That’s what I call her, but her name is really Miranda Golden. She is one of my favourite friends from Room 26.

  I didn’t love Clem. I’d met him when I spent a weekend at Miranda’s house.

  I still remembered his large, sharp teeth and his smelly doggy breath.

  As Miranda led him around the circle, the judges made notes.

  ‘Next, the other pets,’ Carl announced.

  Other pets? Did that mean Og and me?

  ‘Bawk! Crackers will win!’ a voice screeched.

  I hopped on my wheel and started spinning.

  ‘The judges are coming, Og,’ I told my friend. ‘Be friendly, splash around, make some noise!’

  I didn’t hear a thing coming from his cage.

  Why was Og so quiet? Didn’t he want to win a prize? Did he want to let our friends down?

  The judges walked towards the table.

  ‘Remember, we’re here to win, Og,’ I squeaked. ‘It’s showtime!’

  First, the judges looked at a creature called a bearded dragon. Eeek!

  I thought dragons breathed fire and ate people. But this dragon turned out to be a fancy lizard named Lola.

  ‘She’s very unusual,’ Stormy Smith said.

  ‘Very,’ Ginger Jones agreed.

  ‘Hmm,’ Judge Lane said as he made notes.

  Then the judges looked at a guinea pig, a turtle and a rabbit named Peter.

  Next, they moved to my friend Winky’s cage. Winky was born with one eye closed, so he always looked as if he was winking.

  ‘Wow, he’s friendly,’ Ginger Jones said.

  ‘Crackers is pretty! Crackers will win,’ that awful voice screeched.

  Now I could see Crackers, sitting on her human’s arm. She was a huge bird with green and yellow feathers. And she was quite pretty.

  ‘Ah, a parrot,’ Judge Lane said, looking at Crackers.

  Stormy Smith nodded. ‘A fine-looking bird.’

  The girl who owned her said, ‘Sing, Crackers!’

  The crowd all cheered when Crackers sang, ‘La-la-la!’

  I liked Crackers’ singing.

  I didn’t like her large, sharp beak.

  As the judges headed towards our end of the table, my tummy felt jumpy and jiggly again.

  I heard Garth tell A.J., ‘I know Humphrey’s going to win a prize.’

  ‘Of course he will,’ A.J. said, but he sounded worried.

  Maybe he wasn’t really sure I could win.

  To squeak the truth, neither was I.

  First, the judges stopped at Og’s tank.

  ‘Show them what a great frog you, are, Og,’ I told my friend. ‘Do your very best.’

  Everyone stared at Og.

  Og stared back, but he didn’t do anything else.

  ‘BOING for them, Oggy!’ I squeaked.

  But Og didn’t BOING. He didn’t even splash.

  He just stared at the judges. They stared back.

  ‘Come on, Og,’ Sayeh whispered. ‘Show them what a good swimmer you are.’

  Og kept on staring.

  What did Og see? I looked out at the crowd.

  I saw people, dogs, cats, dragons, birds and other strange creatures.

  Maybe Og was scared.

  ‘Don’t be afraid, Og,’ I said. ‘Act friendly. Say hello!’

  ‘BOING!’ he said at last.

  Stormy Smith looked surprised. ‘What was that?’ he asked.

  ‘That’s how he talks,’ Garth explained.

  ‘BOING-BOING!’ Og jumped up and down.

  The judges leaned in and looked interested until Crackers opened her beak and started squawking again.

  ‘Crackers is the best!’ she said.

  Then Og stopped. He didn’t make another sound.

  But at least he’d tried. A little.

  The judges moved on to my cage. Now it was all up to me.

  ‘Who’s this?’ Stormy Smith asked.

  ‘Humphrey,’ A.J. said. ‘He’s a golden hamster.’

  Unlike Og, I put on a great show.

  First, I leaped up to the side of my cage, looked straight at the judges and squeaked hello.

  ‘He’s a friendly little fellow!’ Stormy Smith exclaimed.

  Next, I hopped onto my wheel and did a fast spin.

  ‘Look at him go!’ said Ginger Jones.

  I climbed back up to the top of my cage, grabbed the highest bar, and swung there by one paw.

  Sometimes, I amaze myself.

  ‘Goodness,’ Judge Lane said.

  Next, I slid DOWN-DOWN-DOWN and dropped back onto the wheel. This time, I spun backwards!

  My whiskers were wilting, but I kept on spinning as the judges made notes.

  ‘Great job,’ said Ginger Jones.

  I was unsqueakably proud.

  Then she noticed the box next to me.

  ‘What’s in there?’ she asked.

  ‘That’s Nick,’ Richie said. ‘I’ll make him move.’

  The judges came closer as Richie poked around inside the box.

  I stopped spinning so I could watch.

  Even Judge Lane looked surprised. ‘I thought it was a stick until it moved,’ he said.


  I thought I saw a stick move in there, too. But a stick doesn’t move all by itself, does it?

  ‘It’s a stick insect,’ Richie explained. ‘That’s why I call him Nick – Nick the Stick.’

  People crowded round to see Nick.

  ‘The stick is an insect!’ I squeaked to Og.

  ‘BOING-BOING!’ Og twanged loudly.

  He was probably excited because he likes insects.

  He likes them for dinner. And breakfast, too. Yuck!

  ‘BOING-BOING-BOING!’ Og repeated.

  People in the crowd chuckled.

  ‘Og has a pretty loud voice,’ A.J. said.

  I guess he still hoped that Og could win a prize.

  So did I.

  Next, Carl asked the owners to bring pets with special tricks to the centre of the room.

  Smoky, the spotted dog, rolled over and sat up and begged.

  Cha-Cha, the tiny dog, stood on her hind legs and did a hula dance.At least, that’s what her owner called it.

  Oscar, the dachshund, sang. It was more of a wail than singing.

  Crackers tried to drown him out by singing ‘La-la-la.’

  It was NOISY-NOISY-NOISY.

  But I was still wondering what kind of animal a stick insect was. Was it an insect or was it a stick?