His Porn, Her Pain, Confronting America's PornPanic with Honest Talk about Sex
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As our culture evolves, we need to adjust our parenting accordingly. Singling out porn as the vehicle that (negatively) sexualizes them is unhelpful. Instead, we should be talking to kids about the sexualization of their everyday experience: What do you think of girls who dress that way? When you feel pressured to sext, what do you do? Ever have a sexual feeling you felt embarrassed about? Do you feel you need to compete with other, cooler kids using your sexuality? What do you think of the lyrics to your favorite songs?
Over and over, I observe that people moaning the loudest about kids getting sexualized too early are the most uncomfortable that kids are sexual beings. Regardless of how exploitative our culture is, our kids’ sexuality is a healthy part of them. It’s our job to give them tools to navigate a world that’s overly focused on sex.
Myth: Porn Sets Kids Up for Erection or Other Sex Problems in Early Adulthood
There’s no evidence for this. Erection and other sex problems can result from a wide variety of sources, including endocrine, medication side effects, neurological issues, and emotional issues like guilt, shame, and isolation. The way to best ensure your child’s healthy adult sex life is by talking about sex honestly, making it clear that diversity is the hallmark of human sexual imagination and preference, and letting your child know you’re available to respond to all questions about sex.
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So as you consider what’s not a problem, consider what is. Here’s what you should be concerned about regarding your kids watching porn:
Kids Can Get Inaccurate Ideas About What Sex Is Like in Real Life
Everyone agrees that kids (and adults, for that matter) get inaccurate ideas about sex from looking at porn. But people disagree on how to respond. The best solution is to talk about sex as it is—not to condemn porn, hide sex, or shame kids, but to explain what they’re dealing with and to counter some of its challenges.
It’s impossible to discuss porn’s inaccuracies, conventions, and limitations without talking about sex accurately. That, of course, includes issues like why people have sex; what it’s like; the difference (or connection) between what the bodies do and how the people feel; how people decide when and with whom to be sexual; and the common consequences of poor sexual decision-making. Adults spend a lifetime figuring out answers to these questions; so you’re all ready to discuss these with your kid, right?
Just like kids need media literacy so they can use TV, video games, blogs, and popular music in healthy ways, kids need porn literacy (despite the fact that you’d rather they not watch porn). They need to understand that they’re watching actors playing roles and following scripts, not real couples in documentaries. They need to understand that just as Glee and Harry Potter are scripted and edited, so are porn films—and that most of what the actors do is determined by camera angles and lighting, not by their personal preferences. None of these media products is an accurate portrayal of real life.
Porn usually omits crucial parts of sex:
~ the feelings
~ the kissing
~ the caressing and embracing
~ the laughing
~ the talking
Together, these create the connecting, which most adults say is an important part of sex much of the time.
Here are some other ways that porn sex is different than real-life sex. In real life:
~ Most people don’t look like that (perfect breasts, butts, faces, and genitalia)
~ Most men don’t get or stay erect so easily
~ Most couples need lubricant for genital insertion
~ Most people don’t usually do many commonly shown things (including anal sex, threesomes, sex with strangers, intercourse without birth control, ejaculating on someone’s face)
~ While sex can be wonderful, most of the time it isn’t an incredibly intense experience
~ Most people don’t have sex in public or in physically awkward places or positions
In short, sex in real life usually doesn’t look like, sound like, or feel like sex in porn looks like, sounds like, or appears to feel like.
Kids Can Get Confused About What They See
Any reasonable kid watching porn would have lots of questions: Is that what sex is really like? Is that what most people look like naked? Do strangers really have sex together so easily? Why do people switch from smiling to moaning or screaming so abruptly? And what are they moaning or screaming about? Do most girls like to kiss girls? Are some people really rough with each other in bed—and doesn’t it hurt?
Those are actually some of the most common questions that kids ask sex education websites.
Any normal kid would be confused seeing a half-hour of even the most mundane real-life lovemaking, because it involves things so far outside of their experience. Most adults take most aspects of sex for granted: the pacing, the nudity, the various changes of position and activity, the way the bodies do or don’t fit together, the interruptions (bathroom break, leg cramp, lost erection, need for rest, etc.), the increasing (or intermittent) arousal, the smiling, the anxiety, the orgasm, the sense (or lack) of connection, the pursuit of mutual pleasure. If you’ve never had sex, or have only had a hurried, anxious, or drunk experience, the whole thing would be baffling to observe.
As real people continue experimenting with BDSM, sex toys, and other kinds of games, porn increasingly features these things as well. Viewing such scenes would be confusing to any kid.
To address that, you can explain that just as kids play games on the ballfield, pretending to be mean or brave when they really aren’t, some adults play games in bed, pretending to be bossy or submissive when they really aren’t.
And when people play rough sex games—“which of course you can’t understand right now because you have so little experience with all of this”—they have limits about exactly how rough they want to get. No one likes to really get hurt—you’ll notice that no one is punching anyone, no one is bleeding, and no one is stopping things, even though they could. And remember, the really, really rough stuff is play-acting, with actors and actresses following movie scripts they’ve approved in advance—like pro wrestling on TV or bar fights in movie westerns.
What if your kid asks why people watch this stuff in the first place? That’s actually a great question. In general, adults watch porn because they feel it makes masturbating more exciting and enjoyable. It may remind them of what they’ve done and enjoyed, or it’s exotic and they imagine enjoying it, or they don’t want to do it, but they like watching other people do it—like wrestling with sharks or drag racing. Yes, many adults periodically like to get themselves sexually excited. They generally masturbate while watching; if they watch with their partner, it’s usually before or during sex.
And why do people watch BDSM stuff in particular? It’s because some adults find games of dominance and submission exciting—either to do or to watch. “If you find that confusing, well, that’s OK—porn is for adults, remember?” If you like, you can even mention that many adults (both those who do it and those who don’t) find BDSM confusing as well.
Kids Can Feel Guilty or Ashamed of Their Sexual Fantasies, Thoughts, or Feelings
Almost all young people have sexual thoughts or feelings, and many kids feel uncomfortable, even horrified, by theirs. Generally, no one else in the family talks about their sexual fantasies, thoughts, or feelings; and their friends aren’t likely to talk about fantasizing about a sibling, much-older neighbor, much-younger cousin, etc. So they might feel isolated and unable to process the intensity of the feeling or the fear that they’re abnormal. Most adults know that the rules of fantasy and of real life can be contradictory; kids are still learning to separate the two, which can make the realm of sexuality even more confusing.
Watching porn encourages sexual fantasizing. And it can launch kids in new and different directions of erotic thought and feeling, which are simply too unfamiliar or intense to process properly. And porn can lead to kids looking at familiar people in brand new ways; fo
r example, watching an actress close to Mother’s age who acts very sexual may lead a kid to think of Mother as sexual for the first time. Finally, watching porn can invite a kid to fantasize more frequently, making situational factors (like a cousin sleeping over the house) a springboard for new fantasies, whether one-time or ongoing.
Kids Can Feel Guilty or Ashamed of the Fact That They Masturbate
You are OK about your kid masturbating, right? Well, more or less OK? That’s a key point here; if you aren’t, the whole conversation about porn is moot, because that’s most of the point of looking at porn. Perhaps your kid isn’t yet masturbating per se (stroking his/her genitalia to arousal and usually climax), but is just deliberately becoming aroused by squirming, muscle movements, or rubbing against an object such as a teddy bear; for many parents disturbed by masturbation per se, that’s often equally distressing.
Kids don’t ask our permission to start masturbating (and you wouldn’t exactly want that, right?), and whether we’re aware of it or not, they generally start earlier than we think is reasonable (“Only 26, and starting to masturbate, Brian? Oh, they grow up so quickly.”). As with every part of child development, different kids discover themselves sexually at very different ages; and as with every part of their development, they need to know that they’re OK, and not dramatically different from other, presumably “normal,” kids.
In western culture, feeling guilty about masturbation has been common for centuries.
Many otherwise-sophisticated American adults, in fact, are embarrassed that they do it, and many admonish their partners against doing it. Of course, such adults are likely to pass on this rejection of masturbation to their kids, intentionally or not.
During the Victorian era, masturbation was seen as a dangerous sign of moral weakness. Many people believed a non-meat diet would help curb masturbation, which is why clergymen Sylvester Graham and John Harvey Kellogg invented crackers and corn flakes respectively (yes, really). Some well-meaning parents forced their sons to wear spiked metal devices around their penises that would cause pain if a child became aroused. Many “progressive” parents tied their kids’ wrists to their bedposts at night so they couldn’t touch themselves while dreaming.
We’re somewhat less barbaric about it now, but millions of parents—especially those who self-identify as born-again or evangelical Christian—warn their kids against the practice (if they talk about it at all) or freak out when they “catch” their kid doing it. Notice the common description—“catching” a kid touching himself, sounding the same way as if we’d “caught” a kid sneaking an extra cookie or tormenting the family dog.
Of course, there are advantages to masturbation. It gives young people a sense of ownership of their bodies, and it helps develop the sexual self-awareness that can make later partner sex more enjoyable. For adolescents with sexual urges, it’s a form of sexual expression that doesn’t risk pregnancy, infection, or heartbreak.
Once kids discover the pleasure of masturbating they’re unlikely to stop, and once they experience how porn enhances masturbation, they’re not likely to stop that, either. If you’re going to tell a kid masturbation is wrong, you’ll need some sort of reason that (1) acknowledges their sexual feelings and (2) won’t undermine their future sexuality. I’m afraid I can’t help you on this because I can’t think of a single good reason kids shouldn’t masturbate.
The only way a parent can really discourage a kid from masturbation is by scaring the hell out of him or by filling the kid with high levels of shame and guilt (although history proves that this usually fails to limit masturbation or any other sexual outlet). A parent considering this approach should be clear that that’s their intention—to damage their kid psychologically—and possibly discuss this goal with the family doctor.
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Clearly, it’s much easier to discuss porn-related issues if a special parent–child relationship around sexuality already exists. That special relationship involves trust, openness, the ability to disagree lovingly, some vocabulary, and discussions about values and the diversity of the human family (including the fact that a parent and child might ultimately have different sexual ideas, goals, and experiences).
Regardless of your child’s age, you don’t want a discussion of pornography to be the first conversation you have about sex. So put this book down right now and begin a conversation with your child about sex that doesn’t involve porn. You’ll be preparing both of you for the porn-oriented conversations that are surely coming—sooner than (either of) you might prefer.
Similarly, you don’t want your first parent–child discussion about porn to involve conflict or punishment—so start a conversation with your kid about this as soon as you can. Don’t wait until you feel entirely comfortable!
PORN LITERACY CHECKLIST FOR KIDS
(Parents, feel free to hand this to your kid, read this to your kid, or share this with your kid. And feel free to use it yourself. It applies to all people consuming pornography.)
Like the fictional worlds of Harry Potter, Star Trek, and Twilight, pornography depicts a world that looks familiar but doesn’t actually exist. It features bodies most people don’t have, doing things most people don’t do, in situations most people are never in.
It would be a big mistake to assume that you live in that world. Because sex in real life isn’t like sex in porn. It can’t be, because what we see is the product of acting and editing—not real relationships or real situations.
If you’re going to watch porn, remember that your life can’t be like the lives of the characters you see there. Real people—like you—generally don’t have as much desire, get as excited, or feel so intensely as the characters in porn. That’s because you’re real, and the characters aren’t.
Porn leaves out a lot of what most people enjoy about sex: kissing, hugging, whispering, laughing, and talking afterwards. Real sex often includes words of genuine affection, which porn almost never includes. That’s because the characters in porn generally don’t feel that close to each other.
Because porn is a complex product, consuming it without understanding it can be confusing. And because sexuality is an important part of life, getting confused about it while watching porn can cause anyone—especially young people—difficulty. So here’s a list of what everyone watching porn of any kind needs to understand. Any item that you can’t honestly check, think it over before watching again. If you just can’t make sense of it, ask an adult you trust (yeah, I know, hard to just relax and talk about this with Mom, Dad, or Uncle Louis). If you don’t know an adult you can ask personally, ask the cool folks at either www.Scarleteen.com or www.GoAskAlice.columbia.edu.
[ ] I know that porn is fiction, not real.
[ ] I know professional porn is shot with actors and actresses following a script, using special lighting and camera angles, and that the film is edited to create a finished product that looks like it really happened.
[ ] I know that actors and actresses prepare themselves off-camera right before a shoot with products like Viagra, enemas, and lubricants (not to mention yoga and back exercises) to help create the images I see.
[ ] I realize I know nothing about porn actors and actresses as people.
[ ] I understand that most people don’t have bodies like porn performers.
[ ] I understand that some recurring images in porn (such as ejaculating on someone’s face, anal sex, threesomes, sudden sex without talking and relating first) are theatrical devices and don’t reflect what most women or men want in sex.
[ ] I understand that people are paid to act in porn films and wouldn’t do it for free.
[ ] I understand that most people aren’t as uninhibited as the characters portrayed by porn performers.
[ ] I understand that most women don’t want rough play or violence in their sex.
[ ] I understand that demonstrations of dominance and submission are cooperatively staged and end the second the camera is turned off.
[ ] I
understand that a lot of the arousal and orgasm I see in porn is pretend, not real.
[ ] I understand that porn is made by adults for adults. If I don’t understand the many good reasons minors should not watch porn, I should ask an adult I trust.
Chapter Five
SEXTING: WHO DOES IT? HOW DOES IT AFFECT KIDS?
Your teen’s phone has more computer power than the combined Allied Forces had when they defeated Hitler in 1945. It has more computer power than all of NASA had in 1969 when it sent two astronauts to the moon.1
And according to Moore’s Law, in the time between me writing this and you reading it, your teen’s computing power will almost certainly increase.2
So we give teens the most sophisticated and powerful communications device in the history of the world—and then get upset when they use it. Especially when they use it with all the limited wisdom a teenage brain can muster: texting while they bike, playing video games while they eat, Facebooking one friend while sitting with another. It’s as if we’ve given all our kids bikes, neglect to teach them about traffic, rain, and how to keep their tires properly inflated, and then we’re surprised and angry when they get into bike accidents.
And sexting: sending and/or receiving nude or sexually oriented photos of themselves or others. Most adults don’t like that. In fact, adults have passed laws which throw teens in jail for sexting. That’s some pretty serious disapproval.
So what’s going on with sexting?
Some studies say at least one-quarter of kids do it3; other studies suggest only one in 25 do it.4 The most popular sexts are photos of girls who are topless or naked, and of boys’ penises. Why do they do it? David Finkelhor, director of the Crimes Against Children Research Center at the University of New Hampshire, says that kids do it as part of “risk taking” and “independence testing,” pretty normal adolescent tasks.5 In addition, kids sext for the same reasons that adults do various sexual activities: to express affection, to feel powerful, to gain prestige or popularity, to influence a partner or potential partner, to experience another’s compliance, to satisfy curiosity, or to violate taboos.