Heart of Clay

by Shanna Hatfield

  Leisurely stretching as she came awake, Callan felt better than she had for a while. Her spirit, while tender and hurt, didn’t feel beaten and abused as it had for so long.

  With her thoughts centered on Clay, she rolled onto her side. She was ready to talk to him, to apologize, to beg for his forgiveness.

  When she opened her eyes, her gaze connected with a pair of deep blue eyes, studying her intently. Startled, she gasped and slid back. She realized it was Clay, stretched out beside her, watching her sleep.

  “Hi,” he whispered.

  “Hi.”

  “I came home early.” Clay scooted closer to Callan.

  “I’m glad.” She reached out a hand and touched his.

  “I’m sorry,” they said in unison. Clay wiped her damp cheeks while she clung to his other hand as if it was a lifeline.

  “I think we’ve got some things to talk about.” Clay was afraid to move, hoping Callan would keep her defenses down. He decided to jump in and ask the tough questions first. Slowly sliding the ultrasound photo across the bed, he tapped it with his finger. “Why didn’t you tell me you were pregnant? Why didn’t you show me this?”

  Callan studied the grainy photo. Another wave of pain ripped through her chest. Every time she looked at it, she relived the awful experience of the miscarriage.

  Despite that, she couldn’t make herself throw it away. It was the only link she had to their lost baby. Gently brushing her fingers across the image, she took a deep breath.

  “I didn’t know how to tell you, Clay. It took me a while to figure out I was pregnant and then there were so many complications. We’d never talked about being ready to have kids, and I never shared with you that I probably couldn’t have any. I wasn’t sure how you would feel about it. How you’d react. I kept putting off telling you. When I found out I was expecting, I desperately wanted to have our baby. I wanted our son.”

  “Our son?” Clay choked on the words.

  Callan nodded her head, finding it extremely difficult to speak. “A nurse let me hold him for a while. I named him Zach Clayton. He had all his fingers and toes. He was so tiny and perfect. It hurt so badly to lose him, especially without you there. I wanted you to notice I was pregnant and say something, but you didn’t. I wanted to tell you so many times, Clay. I thought you’d notice something was wrong. I just… I …”

  “Callan,” Clay whispered, his voice filled with pain and regret as he clasped her hand tightly in his own.

  Callan looked into his eyes, willing the love she’d seen there so many times to still be strong. Relief washed over her when she realized it was. “I never meant to shut you out. The day I found out I was expecting was the day we had to put Sassy down. The timing didn’t seem right. I thought I’d tell you at Christmas, but mother was sick and went so fast. Then you had the trip planned and I didn’t want you to be distracted, so I decided to tell you when you got home. By the time you came back, I wanted to forget it had ever happened. I was so afraid of telling you I’d not only lost the baby, but I couldn’t ever give you another.”

  “Why, Callan? What were you afraid I would do?” Clay rubbed his thumb along the back of her hand, trying to keep them both calm.

  “Deep down, I was always afraid you would leave me someday and I thought the baby would be the thing that pushed you out the door.” Callan stared at their joined hands, wishing they’d never gotten to the point where they’d let go of each other and gone their own way.

  As deeply and as completely as he loved Callan, Clay couldn’t believe she’d think, even for a minute, that he would ever leave her. He sat up, placed the ultrasound photo on the nightstand then pushed some pillows against the headboard. Leaning against them, he bracketed Callan with his legs and gently pulled her back against his chest. He wrapped his arms around her and held her close, resting his cheek against her temple.

  “We’ve spent a large part of the past few years not being very good to each other. Part of it is my fault, part of it’s yours, but no matter what, I never once thought about leaving you. I love you, with all my heart. I always have and I always will. Until I draw my last breath, you are stuck with me.”

  “I’m so glad, Clay,” Callan whispered. “I’m sorry I shut you out. I’m sorry I never told you. You had a right to know I might never be able to have a baby. You had a right to know I was pregnant. You also had a right to know about the miscarriage. Since you didn’t know I was expecting, I thought it wouldn’t matter if you knew that I lost Zach. If I’d only taken better care of myself, if I’d not gotten so stressed, if I’d only…”

  Clay interrupted her. “It wasn’t your fault. It just happened. You didn’t kill our baby. God had other plans. You have to believe that. If we never have a baby of our own, then so be it. None of that changes my feelings for you.”

  “I still should have told you,” Callan said. “I’m so sorry. I was wrong and even though I can’t change what happened, I would do it all so differently if I could. Someday, I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.”

  Clay kissed her temple. “Callan, girl, I forgive you. I would be lying if I said it didn’t hurt or that I’m not still angry, because I am. What you need to understand is that I’m sorry as well.”

  “For what?” Callan swiped at the tears that once again trailed down her cheeks. “What do you have to be sorry for?”

  “For not seeing your pain. For not supporting you. For not letting you know how amazing I think you are. For not protecting you. For not making you feel secure enough to be yourself. For not telling you every day how much I admire you and love you.”

  “Oh, Clay.” Callan turned, burying her face into his shoulder while he held her close. “I wish I could take it all back. I wish we could start over.”

  “Who says we can’t?” Clay pushed her back enough he could look into her face. “How about a clean slate going forward? Do you think you could work with that?”

  “Yes.” Callan let out the breath she held. Maybe they had a second chance after all.