You Can't Spell America Without Me

by Alec Baldwin

  THE MAC ʼN’ CHEESE BITES WERE FANTASTIC, but all weekend I was cooped up with the First Lady and three of my grandchildren, and it was too cold to golf. Watching the news shows Sunday morning with Ivanka and Jared was horrible. It was suddenly like everything on TV was one big Internet video jiffy looping over and over, Hillary and Comey, Comey and Hillary, Hillary and Comey, over and over on every channel all at once, even Fox News. Hillary saying Comey won the election for Trump, Comey saying Trump made him nauseous during the election . . . and then the French woman, Le Pen, Marine One, she lost, she loses big-league, and even though it could have been rigged, everybody on TV saying it’s bad for Trump, the French rejected Trump, Putin likes her and she’s a loser so Trump is now a loser.

  I realized I had no choice. Comey was a major, major enemy, and I had to “kill” him—kill in quotation marks, the kind of quotation marks I put around “wiretap,” the kind that mean you’re being sarcastic but still serious. I talked to my top team, even the vice president, and they were all for it—Ivanka pointed out it was like a perfect random sample of Americans confirming my judgment: Mike Pence the Midwestern evangelical, Don McGahn the tough Irish New Jersey lawyer, Jared the smooth Jewish Ivy League media guy, my private personal Trump security chief Keith. It was like The A-Team, and then when Rodrigo said he agreed I should can Comey—he repeated his proverb about a snake in every forest—I even had my Mr. T! Reince was kind of a nervous Nelly, but I got him to go along when I said, “Fee-fi-fo-fum, somebody’s gonna get fired this week,” which was another example of those sarcastic but serious things I sometimes say. (General Kelly told me today he didn’t want Reinceʼs job, but I’ll keep at him. Management 101.) Jeff Sessions had his very smart number-two, Rosenberg, Rothstein, whatever, write up the press release of our “reasons”—which I have to tell you made me laugh, since it was all about how Comey had been so unfair to poor, poor Hillary during the campaign. And boom, get him out of here, bye-bye, Comey gone. I felt a little better for a day or so.

  HALF THE JOB OF BEING PRESIDENT is meeting with foreign officials, right? So, what, I was supposed to cancel my meeting with the Russian secretary of state and the other one, the big fat one, the ambassador, just because it was the day after I fired the nut job Comey for not stopping the fake Russia stories and finding the leakers? Of course not! It would’ve been very rude and very weak. It was a good thing I didn’t cancel, I can tell you that—because that day the Russians and I were figuring out how to combine our intel with their intel and Israel’s intel, although I never once mentioned Israel, to stop ISIS from pulling off another 9/11.

  THE “SPECIAL COUNSEL” IS TOTALLY RIGGED

  Like everyone these days, I get some of my most interesting information from the Internet, although usually it’s printed out, because so many extremely important things never make it into the fake media. After I fired Comey, which I decided to do on the seventh day of May, I found an article through the Twitter called “Seven Days in May 2017.” Seven Days in May is the movie where generals are plotting a coup against the president because he’s trying to make peace with Russia. I saw it in high school with my parents at the Utopia Theater in Queens, right after Kennedy was killed, and it had a big impact on me, although I remember my dad shaking his head and muttering at the end because he’d been rooting for Burt Lancaster and the other generals. Anyway, this Internet article says the same thing is actually happening now, with Comey and Clapper and this General Hayden as Burt Lancaster and Kirk Douglas, and Trump as the hero. A lot of people on the Internet, and I mean a lot, so many MAGA people, agreed that it was probably true.

  As soon as I read that I felt a strong need to warn people what could be happening, that it was an emergency, but without specifically mentioning Seven Days in May, which I knew would make everybody go crazy. Which is why I beamed out six tweets during the next hour of Fox & Friends—“collusion between Russia and Trump fabricated by Dems as an excuse for losing,” “Fake Media working overtime,” “maybe cancel future ‘press briefings,’” “Comey better hope there are no ‘tapes’ of our conversations,” “everyone with knowledge of the witch hunt says there is no collusion.” Good.

  SESSIONS’S NUMBER-TWO, the guy who dreamed up the story that I fired Comey because of how he’d treated Hillary, which I do still get a kick out of, turned out to be so sneaky a week later when he hired the “special counsel” to look into “Russia.” I’m not going to call him a Judas, because I don’t use that kind of language, but many people are saying that. After my one tweet about how they never appointed a “special counsel” to investigate the crimes of the Obama Administration or Hillary’s campaign, everybody on my team advised me to stop—except Jared. Jared was pushing me to go on the attack against this guy Mueller, although I knew it was just one of those Jared moments I’ve seen a lot in the White House, where he’s around guys like Steve and Kosher Steve and McGahn and me so he goes out of his way to look tough. On the other hand, they say the FBI and the “special counsel” are now investigating him—that Jared’s “a person of interest”—so maybe it’s also because he has skin in the game, no atheists in foxholes, cornered rats bite, et cetera.

  Not that the “special counsel” isn’t totally rigged. And not just because “recused” scaredy-cat Sessions refuses to protect the presidency—Mueller went to prep school with John Kerry and he’s an old friend of Comey’s. These tall, skinny Boy Scout WASP phonies have their own club that’s against Trump and regular Americans. My father warned me about it when I was a kid, the same club, when John Lindsay, the mayor of New York, ran it. When I mentioned Lindsay to Bannon he looked it up and found out he actually went to the same prep school as Mueller and Kerry and the same college as Kerry, and he was six foot four, another tall WASP phony who wanted the media and the minorities to love him and couldn’t care less about real people. It’s scary.

  ALTHOUGH YOU HAVE TO hand it to them—all those guys do look the part. As we were discussing replacements for Comey, I was very strong on needing somebody who looked the part, “a real central casting FBI director”—which led me to what I call one of my eureka moments: Ivanka is now in discussions with the actual company in Hollywood, in Burbank, Central Casting, about expanding into public-sector job recruiting, with the very strong provision that The Trump Organization couldn’t acquire the firm until after my presidency.

  WITH THE FAKE MEDIA GOING CRAZY, totally making up new fake stories, it was great to get away to the Middle East and Europe, where nobody cared about Comey or Russia or all of the other fake news.

  They love Trump in Saudi Arabia, which is the headquarters of Islam, which proves I’m not “Islamophobic” whatsoever. The king personally met me at the airport (which he didn’t do for Obama and, trust me, wouldn’t have done for “President Hillary”) and he gave me their national gold medal, which only goes to the very best people, and they projected a beautiful 100-foot-high face of Trump on the Ritz-Carlton, like the Wizard of Oz, and then showed me a special glowing glass ball, also like in The Wizard of Oz.

  Although I was very, very disappointed to have to miss the KitchenAid Senior PGA Championship at my Trump National Golf Club outside Washington over Memorial Day weekend. I wasn’t surprised the tournament didn’t air in Saudi Arabia, but why not Italy or Belgium? I brought it up at our G7 summit, along with the shocking lockout of Fox News from so many of the foreign TV systems, during my discussions of unfair European trade policies.

  DURING THE TRIP I went ten days without hitting a golf ball. Ten days without sleeping or eating at a Trump property. And ten days without beaming a single true, great, personal Trump tweet that tells the truth that the people love. So I proved I can do it. It’s very hard, but I can do it. I have great willpower, some of the greatest willpower. But coming home from Europe and the Middle East and Israel, being able to tweet and golf freely, and eat what I want, I realized all over again why we love America

  EVERYONE NERVOUS EXCEPT M
E

  Did you notice the radical Islamic terrorists only killed people in England and Iran right after Trump left Europe and the Middle East? That wasn’t a coincidence. I keep everything around me safe. Another Trump “superpower.” The fake media didn’t write about that.

  AS YOU’RE READING THIS MANY MONTHS OR MANY YEARS LATER, IT’S VERY POSSIBLE YOU DON’T EVEN REMEMBER ANY OF THE FAKE “RUSSIA” STORIES. BECAUSE THEY WERE FAKE.

  And my tweets after the London attacks about their weak Islamic mayor and about my Muslim ban that my politically correct “Justice” Department wouldn’t do, those tweets were so great, so true, so honest, so important, so fantastic, so tough, from the heart, some of my best, no lawyers, no puppet. Everyone listening. Everyone nervous. Except me! And because of the radical Islamic terrorism, which I still say—radical Islamic terrorism, radical Islamic terrorism, radical Islamic terrorism—for days nobody paid attention to any of the fake Russia stories.

  IN FACT, OVER THE SUMMER, as you know, the Russia business finally started to fade away. Which is why I didn’t accept Jeff Sessions’s nervous little offer to resign the first time he did it. Even though I think he did it and leaked it because he thought it’d make it harder for me to fire him later. By the way, it would’ve been nice if Jared had offered to resign, too. It would be nice if everyone offered to resign. Not that I’d accept them all, but it would show respect. And the ones I kept would be so grateful, they’d love their president even more. Management 101. But now I’ve got my own lawyers on the Russia hoax and the “obstruction of justice” case, guys I pay, led by this guy Kasowitz, worked for me on my casinos, on my divorces, on my libel suits, on my university, fantastic Roy Cohn type, scary-tough, and he’s put together a whole team, other scary-tough Jewish lawyers with glasses and good hair. So tough, so scary, the scariest and toughest, who hate the WASP phonies like Mueller as much as I do.

  Anyhow, as you’re reading this many months or many years later, it’s very possible you don’t even remember any of the fake “Russia” stories. Because they were fake. As Rodrigo said to me this morning, “Ang kita sa bula something something something,” which means “What comes from bubbles will disappear in bubbles.” I think Rodrigo is the wisest man I have ever known, in a different way than Roy Cohn was wise.

  I LET COMEY TESTIFY TO CONGRESS, to have his last bit of time in the spotlight, such a showboat, and leak our confidential conversations to the public, because I’m not worried. Except for his total lies about me, especially when he called me a liar, he totally vindicated me. By the way, one of the reasons I wanted to get rid of Comey is because I know he would’ve made a big stink about one of my secret projects. Which Jeff Sessions went ahead and arranged “on the down-low,” as Ivanka said when I visited New York City in June—in the federal prison in Brooklyn, I met for an hour with El Chapo, the Mexican drug lord, who’s a bad guy, yes, but also a very smart cookie, very tough, and very, very successful. They’re going to hate that I’m telling you about it here, but I think it’s important for Americans to know—one, how hard I work and so much of it is invisible to you; two, it proves I care about the issues of “incarceration”; and three, it proves I get along great with the Mexicans. Actually, El Chapo and I found out we had a lot of common ground—on the importance of loyalty and never giving up, and how much we both enjoy the love of the regular people.

  THE FIRST LADY MOVED into the White House at the end of the school year. Everyone was saying how nice it is that we can finally be together. So true.

  But having Barron around really is totally fantastic! He’s like an adult now, very much on my wavelength. I convinced his mother he needed to move to the White House permanently, go to a top school around here, become one of his dad’s advisers, maybe get school credit for that.

  The First Lady agreed after spending a major amount of time discussing it, very major when “time” costs the $1, 200 an hour you’re paying lawyers to help figure it out. The First Lady will be living full-time in the White House, too, through January 21, 2021, depending on contingencies, et cetera, which is great.

  I REALIZE NOW in a way I never did before I was president how much fake news there really is—and I don’t just mean Russia and negative polls. But the untrue stories about how our fantastic health plan and tax cuts will help rich people more than everyone else. Fake news. Or how the race car driver Ryan Newman, who loves Trump, didn’t win the Indy 500 this year—that he was beaten by some Japanese guy. Fake news. Just like right around the same time, in Belgium, after I told the NATO leaders to stop being freeloaders, the fake media just kept showing the clip of me saying hi to the head of Montenegro at our photo op, like I was being rude. Fake news. And like in Sicily, when Anthony and the rest of the Secret Service guys insisted, for security reasons, that I ride in a secure golf cart through the town instead of walking the half mile along with the other leaders (who nobody really wants to assassinate), the biased fake media used that to make me look bad, too. Fake news.

  By the way, Montenegro wasn’t even officially a member of NATO then. Also, you probably didn’t realize that the Clintons broke Yugoslavia into like ten different countries, and three of them are now in NATO, which is so unfair, like if Vermont and Massachusetts and Connecticut were all allowed to join the UN. Also, speaking of Montenegro, it’s really barely even a country, less population than North Dakota, and the people are considered poor and lazy by people in the other, better former Yugoslavias, such as Slovenia. The biased American media never writes that.

  Even the social media is biased, even though they don’t have “editors,” and even though Trump has made their businesses and they should be paying me royalties. No surprise, Twitter is headquartered in San Francisco, which voted 91 percent for Hillary, so they won’t admit that Trump has 135 million followers, not 35 million, more than Katy Perry or Barack Obama or anybody else. By the way, why do Khloé and Kourtney Kardashian and Kendall and Kylie Jenner all have almost exactly the same number of Twitter followers? Something’s going on, and we’re going to appoint a special social media commission, the first ever, to find out.

  And speaking of fake media out to get Trump, I just found out they’re all set to prevent You Can’t Spell America Without Me from winning the Pulitzer Prize next spring. This book should be the first autobiography to win the Pulitzer since they gave it twenty years ago to Katharine Graham of the Washington Post, and should be the first book by a president to win in sixty years, since John F. Kennedy, whose book was actually written by a ghostwriter, unlike this one. But it turns out the Pulitzer Prizes are rigged, given out to the dishonest media by the dishonest media, not by the actual Pulitzer family I used to know in Palm Beach who make the nice Florida dresses. It’s all rigged against us. It’s all fake.

  IS JARED A FREDO?

  Someone who’s no longer so young herself asked me today at Camp David in her “cute” accent if turning seventy-one on Wednesday is what made me “right away do these two mornings of the tweets that only make everything bad and worse.” And the answer is no, the president has no choice but to keep communicating the truth.

  Because, like I said, the fake news media really does hate when I go around them and use my very powerful social media to tell more than one hundred million people, Trump’s troops, that this is the greatest witch hunt in American history and the Judas who told me to fire the FBI director is investigating me for firing the FBI director, and his pathetic little mouse of a boss won’t stop him. And people don’t even know that crooked Hillary and her family and staff have all kinds of dealings with Russia and that she destroyed her cell phones with a hammer like a crazy person and obstructed justice with Obama’s attorney general.

  That’s what I tweeted the last couple of days. And no, I do not need to change my supplements and vitamins.

  Camp David? Even worse than I imagined. The one Saturday night was plenty. It’s the kind of place your friends’ parents had in t
he Poconos, the kind of place you get rich or become president to avoid spending weekends. One pathetic golf hole, not even full size, a hundred yards and a green, hole in one, hole in one, hole in one, no fucking fun at all, pardon my French. They do have a Camp David gift shop, good for them, it’s called the Shangri-la, but virtually no Trump merchandise.

  MITZI: Presidential to-do list

  Song, “HOLE IN ONE, HOLE IN ONE, HOLE IN ONE / NO F-STAR-STAR-STAR-STAR-STAR-STAR FUN / SHANGRI-LA,” © 2017 by Donald J. Trump.

  I ALWAYS KNEW PEOPLE LIKE SPICER AND REINCE wouldn’t be permanent. I knew it for sure with Reince a month before my landslide victory, after the fake media released the unauthorized Access Hollywood tape, and Reince said I should drop out of the race. Weak. At our first full cabinet meeting in June, where we went around the table and each of them explained how I was making them make America great again, and Reincey said, “We thank you for the opportunity and the blessing to serve your agenda,” it was actually pathetic, so desperate to keep his job. Literally on the way out of that meeting I asked Kelly again if heʼd take over. Although to be fair, Reince was useful because from his reactions to things I always knew how the hypocrites and weaklings in Washington were going to react to the things Trump does.

  Unlike Jared. Jared pushed me to trust Mike Flynn. He was sure the Democrats would be happy to see Comey fired. He thought it was okay to raise money in China for his family’s real estate business by using the President Trump brand. He tried to get my White House counsel to give him a public Good Housekeeping seal of approval on the Russia thing. He wouldn’t stop trying to get me to surrender to our enemies on the horrible Paris climate deal and to get rid of Bannon—especially now that Steve had his people push out the news about Jaredʼs Soros deal, which I didnʼt know was going to happen in advance, as I told Ivanka, because if I had known I wouldnʼt have smiled when I saw it in Breitbart. “Jared,” I finally told him, “only Ivanka can fire you, and I’m not firing Steve.” Although I might, but not because Jared hates him.