by Marie James
I don’t even bat the tears away. My emotions are all over the place, but he seems to know exactly what to say to bring them out into the open.
“This is exactly where I wanted to be,” I say flatly. “Sitting in bed, helpless, with a man who would rather spit on me than look at me. That’s exactly what I wanted when I lied that night. I wanted my parents to force me into an abortion. Sitting on that table at Planned Parenthood, discussing how it would only cost eight hundred dollars and an hour to kill my baby is exactly what I had in mind.”
I’m trying to keep my voice down so I don’t startle Griffin, but it’s damn near impossible.
He sits up quickly in the bed.
“You were going to have an abortion? Rather than call me and ask for help, you were going to kill our son?”
I huff out a sardonic laugh. He really is fucking clueless.
“Did you think I wasn’t good enough to know I had a baby on the way?” His voice is escalating as well.
“I was no more than a quick fuck for you, Shadow. An easy piece of ass you couldn’t even be bothered to stick around until morning for.”
“I had club shit I had to take care of that night, Misty. I don’t expect you to understand.” He slams his back against the headboard making Griffin jolt suddenly in my arms.
“That’s right. I’m just some stupid young thing dumb enough to spread my legs for you. I don’t have the ability to understand a damn thing you have to deal with.” I swallow roughly and turn my face away from him. “It wasn’t just that night. Every night we spent together, you left. It didn’t matter if we only had sex once or half a dozen times, you got up and left. I had no expectations of you when I found out. You didn’t want anything to do with me after you came. Why would I think for a minute you’d be interested in knowing I was pregnant?”
“You still lied,” he says still unable to look at me.
“I did,” I concede. “I knew I only had you for a little bit. I knew how the night was going to go before we even went up to the room.”
I take a deep breath trying to calm my nerves, knowing my next admission has no place inside of a friends-with-benefits type of relationship. Emotions and hope for a future have no place in a casual fuck arrangement.
“I knew we’d have sex. I longed for it, even though I had no doubt you’d get up and leave again. I craved your touch, even if it was temporary. I was stupid, impulsive. I didn’t think it would happen. I honestly didn’t give it a second thought. I just knew I wanted every second with you that I could get. I knew you wouldn’t stick around. Why would I think you’d be interested if I called you and told you I was pregnant?” I repeat.
“I was drunk. I never should’ve…”
“Don’t you fucking dare!” I yell turning my eyes to him. “You don’t get to say shit like that. You don’t get to wish him away. Regardless of what’s happened, I wouldn’t change him being here for anything in the world. If you don’t want us here, that’s fucking fine with me. If you don’t want to be involved in his life, I don’t have a problem with that either but keep your damn regret to yourself.”
I place all of my focus back on Griffin. My hands shake uncontrollably as I switch him from one breast to the other.
“That’s not what I meant,” he says in a calmer voice than I’d expect at a time like this.
“Save it, Shadow.”
From the corner of my eye, I see him shake his head and run his hands through his hair.
“You went to a fucking abortion clinic, Misty. How’s the view up there from your high horse?” He just can’t leave well enough alone.
“My heart broke every second I was at that clinic. I wasn’t there because I just wanted to make this situation go away. I was there because my parents forced it. It was either that or give up everything in my life. Have you ever been faced with a situation like that?” I look over at him, but he refuses to meet my eyes. I stare at the side of his face, daring him to meet my eyes. “Walking out of that clinic, not knowing where I was going to sleep that night, giving up my entire life was the easiest decision I’ve ever made.”
He turns his head to me, finally looking me in the eye, reading for the first time the determination, the sacrifice I’ve already made for this child.
He sighs loudly. “I thought your parents were super religious. I wouldn’t think people who consider themselves so close to God would try to force you into an abortion.”
“Nothing worse than an unmarried pregnant woman according to them.” I can’t think of my parents right now; their betrayal is still raw.
“Where did you go? A friend’s? A family member?”
I shake my head. “I don’t have anyone in my life like that. I was afraid other members of the church would look at me with the same disgust my parents did when they found out.”
Griffin is back asleep, so I pull him off and cover myself back up.
“While I was at the clinic the counselor told me about other services in the community. I went to a place called Maternity House. They provided room and board. Helped me find another job. I was able to finish school.”
I leave out the part about almost putting him up for adoption. I don’t have the energy to have another screaming match with him. He already thinks I’m a horrible person for showing up at the clinic. From the way he’s acting, I’m sure he’d hate me for even considering placing Griffin up for adoption
“You’ve had to make some seriously tough decisions,” he says climbing off the bed.
I want to tell him that coming here and asking for his help has been the toughest decision I’ve made to date. Not knowing how he was going to act has caused serious stress.
He reaches for the sleeping baby in my arms. I reluctantly hand him over and watch as Shadow places him in the bassinet. He goes into the bathroom and comes back with another pain pill and a small glass of water.
I look from the pill in his outstretched hand and then back up to his face.
“Please don’t fight me on this,” he says with exasperation.
I take the pill like the obedient little girl he clearly expects me to be. He returns the cup to the bathroom sink.
“I’ll bring you something to eat,” is all he says before he leaves me alone in the room.
Less than twenty-four hours here and already I hate being trapped in this room.
Chapter 18
“Five days!” Bri screams into the phone. I hold it away from my ear while she continues to berate me. “She’s been there, my nephew has been there for five damn days, and you’re just now calling me!”
“The way you’re acting right now is making me wish I’d waited another week,” I grumble into the phone
I’m in a pissy mood. I wish I could say it’s because I’ve not been getting enough sleep, but it’s just the opposite. Misty is feeling better. She hasn’t taken the pain pills in the last two days, which means she hasn’t needed me in the middle of the night for the last couple of nights. I miss going in there and helping her with Griffin. I want to go in there and help.
“I’m getting on a plane,” Bri says finally.
“I don’t expect you to do that.” Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to spend some impromptu time with my sister, but it’s the drama with her asshole boyfriend that I’d like to avoid.
“She needs help. I want to help.”
I harrumph into the phone. She doesn’t seem to need my damn help. Yeah, she’s been spending time with the women in the house, but she’s hardly looked my way since the night we talked about what happened when she found out she was pregnant. I was a total dick; I’ll own up to that. She didn’t tell me about Griffin and somehow has managed to turn this around on me.
I even caught Emmalyn looking at me and shaking her head once. I don’t like this shit at all. They’re like a den of hungry lionesses, and I feel like the enemy they have to protect the new cub from. Maybe having my sister here and on my side would be a good thing. The longer I think about that, the more I realiz
e she’d probably join their ranks and lead them in the attack.
“I haven’t been called out for a job, but I’d love it if when I do you could be here,” I finally say.
Misty walks right past me as I sit on the sofa in the living room. She doesn’t look at me; she just acts as if she doesn’t see me. She has Griffin in some sort of sling type thing wrapped around her body. It reminds me of the things some of the women wore in a few of the foreign countries I’ve traveled to.
“All you have to do is call, and I’ll be there, Morrison. You know that.” I hear her pull her phone away from her ear and say something to someone near her. It’s early Sunday morning, so I know it has to be Trey. She doesn’t sound happy, but she never really is where he’s concerned.
“Bri,” I say loudly into the phone trying to get her attention. I can tell her conversation with him is going to turn into an argument quickly, and I rather not be on the line when it happens.
“Yeah,” she says back to me.
“I don’t need the fucking issues you have with that asshole to follow you to New Mexico. I don’t want his bullshit around my son.” I’ve tried helping her with that piece of shit more than once. Kincaid even offered to off his lazy ass, and I’m not one hundred percent certain that he didn’t mean it at the time. I have no patience where he’s concerned, and still can’t understand why she’s wasted years of her life with him.
“That sounds so weird coming from you,” she says with awe in her voice.
“What?” I can’t focus on anything but thoughts of wanting to murder her boyfriend and the beautiful, dark-haired woman that keeps walking back and forth holding my very fussy son.
“You said ‘my son.’ I never thought I’d hear that coming from your mouth.” I laugh because not in a million years could I have imagined it either.
Misty passes by again trying to calm him with soothing words and a gentle pat on his back.
“Is that him?” Bri asks. “Put him on the phone!”
“He’s a week old, Bri. He doesn’t talk on the damn phone.” Jesus, and I thought I had limited experience with babies. “Listen, I’ve got to go. I’ll let you know when I get called out.”
I tell her goodbye; she asks me what kind of snacks he likes. I hang up the phone wondering if her being here to help isn’t going to be more of a hindrance for Misty when I have to leave.
I pocket my phone and stop Misty on her next turn.
“He’s just so fussy,” she says standing still but rocking him by bending her knees and dipping her body weight. “I’ve changed him; I’ve fed and burped him. He’s just restless.”
“Let me,” I say holding out my hands for him.
She struggles to pull him out of the sling contraption, so I reach my hands inside to get him. I almost groan when her warm breath floats against the back of my hand. Fuck I need to get laid. I’ll add that to my mounting list of things to do.
I cradle him to my chest. “Hey now, Griff. There’s no reason to give your momma such a hard time.” I walk one full length of the living room and by the time I make it back to Misty, he’s gone quiet.
She just stands there with her hands on her hips glaring at me. “Un-fucking-believable. I’ve been trying to get him to calm down for thirty minutes. I’ve practically worn a hole in the damn floor.”
I shrug and give her a quick smile. “What can I say? I guess I have the magic touch.”
I can’t discern the look in her eyes at my remark. It’s heated and borders on dark, but it’s gone in a flash.
“I’ve missed him,” I admit.
“You see him every day,” she says quickly.
“Take a break,” I tell her. “I’ll put him down for a nap in my room.”
She doesn’t say anything, but I can feel her eyes on my back as I leave the room. I shift his weight to one arm and open the door to my new bedroom. I don’t know how many times over the last couple of days I’ve found myself standing in front of my old room. I don’t know if it’s a subconscious desire to see them or it’s muscle memory from walking there for so many years.
I place Griffin gently into the crib I put together yesterday. It doesn’t really fit with the ultra-modern furniture Kid was using in here before joining Khloe in her room, but it seems perfect now that he’s in here with me.
I sit down at my desk and begin to go through the piles of paperwork that has only grown in the last week while I’ve been distracted with Misty and Griffin. We get called out on a lot of jobs, but that’s not all that we do. Some of my work is done from the comfort of my computer. Hacking, tracking, and locating things, people, and organizations is a large part of the income the Cerberus MC brings in.
We have a very specialized skill set that sometimes requires us to go out in the field, but we have triple that type of work in the form of computer analyzation and accounting. We do our best to funnel each girl we find, each person we come in contact with that needs our help, through resources that are funded not only by us but by so very helpful sponsors.
Not every person who’s been abducted has people out looking for them. Either their own families sold them to pay a debt, or they don’t have the funds to seek our type of services. Usually, when we find the one we’re looking for, there are at least three or four others who haven’t been found yet. We found out rather quickly that just finding these girls and returning them home or setting them free was sometimes worse than where they were rescued from. We make sure they have what they need to survive. We set them up with a counselor, jobs, housing, whatever they need to get on their feet.
As the number of rescues increase, so does the diligence required to keep track of them, making sure we don’t drop the ball. I don’t manage those accounts directly, but I manage the people who manage them. It’s always a good idea to keep an eye on people with the best of intentions. Handling that much money can be a temptation for just about anyone.
An hour and a half is all the time Misty gives me with Griffin before I hear her knock softly on the bedroom door. I stand up and open it for her. He’s still sleeping, so yelling across the room for her to come in would be asinine.
“I didn’t realize you had a crib in here,” she says as she steps into the room.
I leave the door open because I assume she’s going to grab him and go back to hiding out in her own room. I sit back at my desk, leaning far back into my chair.
“I put it together yesterday. It’s the maiden voyage,” I say tilting my head at the piece of furniture.
“It’s very nice,” she says absently.
“I can get one for your room, too,” I tell her.
“What I have is fine,” she says sitting on the end of my messy bed.
“I realize it’s fine, Misty, but if you want him in a full sized crib, well get one for your room.”
She shakes her head. “No thank you.”
I scrub at my eyes. Things were so easy with her before she came here. We could talk and joke; things didn’t seem so off. I’m reminded of what she said a few nights ago.
I was no more than a quick fuck for you.
Guilt hits me again, just like it did that night. I couldn’t argue with her when she was correct. I refuse to tell her that I actually missed her when I came back home after our last night together. She would never believe that I’ve talked about her to both Kid and Kincaid, that I was frustrated beyond measure when I texted her, and she didn’t respond.
“Listen,” she says catching on to my growing frustration. “I appreciate everything that you’ve done for us. I know I don’t deserve it after handling this the way I did. I knew you were a good man, Shadow, and you’ve proved that time and time again since we got here. But I need to start helping myself.”
I sit up straight in my chair. “What are you getting at, Misty?”
My pulse begins to thump harder, and a cold sweat runs down my back. I wait as she tries to find the right words to tell me that she’s leaving. I prepare myself for the fight that is about to ha
ppen because over my damned dead body will she take my son and just walk away. I’ve grown attached to him in a matter of days. I can’t imagine him not being here, under the same roof as me. Even if I didn’t get the paternity test back yesterday, that confirmed he’s my son I wouldn’t just let her leave.
“I need to get a job, find my own place. I can’t keep living here, living off of you.” She turns her attention to Griffin, who has begun to wiggle slightly in the crib.
“You’re not living off of anyone, Misty. I’m providing for my son.”
She bites her lip to keep from speaking. Clearly, some part of that statement was the wrong thing to say.
She sighs and closes her eyes for a long minute.
“I have to provide for myself, Shadow. I’m not trying to keep him from you. This is just something that I have to do,” she says without opening her eyes.
“You can stay here and provide for yourself, Misty. You don’t have anything to prove. You don’t have to suffer and forage out on your own to do that.”
“We’re not together. I shouldn’t live here if…” She sighs again. “You know what? It doesn’t even matter. I have to do what I feel is right.”
I’m hanging onto my control by a single thread as I see her reach into the crib and pull my sleeping son out, the action symbolic of what she’s planning to do in the future. “I won’t let you take him from me,” I spit with less venom than I feel. What I want to do is snatch him out of her hands, but I know that won’t fix things.
Fighting her at this point is only going to make things worse.
“I would never take him from you. Do you really think I’m that kind of person?”
I huff out a laugh. “Would I even know about him if your parents hadn’t kicked you out?” The look on her face gives me the answer I already knew deep in my gut.
Her bottom lip trembles as my eyes widen in shock. She would’ve never told me. She honestly believed I was the type of man who wouldn’t want to know his own child. What does that say about the way I treated her? Fuck.
I stand from my chair and cross the room to her before she can escape out of the door.