by Marie James
Violet must have gotten bored waiting for Shadow to make his move because she ended up leaving with some other guy about an hour ago. When my shift ended, and I counted down my money, I found Shadow as well as Snake and Skid at the back corner table. Someone is always here to carry me back to the clubhouse when my shift is over.
I don’t have a car anymore, but I get the feeling that even if I did Shadow wouldn’t be happy with me driving to and from work. Jake’s isn’t an upscale club, but it’s also not some hole in the wall dive. There have been a handful of fights in the weeks I’ve been working here, but nothing that makes me afraid to show up.
“I’m done,” I say walking up to the guys. I avoid eye contact with Shadow even though I can feel his eyes burning a hole in the side of my head. He’s not really making me uncomfortable, but I’d rather not get into another one of our arguments. I’ve been on my feet for hours, and all I want to do is go home, feed Griffin, shower, and go to bed. I have to get up and do it all over again in the morning, and Griffin couldn’t care less that mommy works the late shift; he’s going to be up with the sun regardless.
Snake leads the pack, followed by Shadow. Skid takes up the back like I’m some princess in need of an entourage. I hate it, but I have no other choice. Shadow stumbles and sways on his feet. It doesn’t surprise me; he’s been slamming them back all night. It’s out of the norm of his usual couple of beers, and I have no idea why he’s in such a mood.
Thankfully Shadow sits up front in the passenger seat. I sit behind him to keep him from being able to look back at me as easily. The tension is thick in the air, but the trip home remains silent. I watch the familiar landscapes coast by, and wonder just how much longer I have to keep this up before I have enough money to get my own place. Walking on eggshells all the time is wearing me down.
Exhausted, I climb the stairs to the clubhouse and immediately head to Khloe’s room to collect griffin.
“There she is,” Khloe says brightly as she bounces Griffin on her knee. “He acts like he’s starving. He already drank everything you sent home.”
I laugh. “I think he’s going through a growth spurt or something.” I scoop him up and blow a raspberry on his cheek. “Thanks for watching him.”
“No problem,” she says stretching her arms over her head. “See you in the morning.”
“Let’s go feed the starving baby,” I say to Griffin as I leave her room and cross the hall to ours.
I have mastered our evening routine. I can feed him, shower, and crawl under the covers in thirty minutes flat, barring any diaper mishaps or interruptions. Tonight works out in my favor and remains uneventful.
I’m dozing off when a rough knock at the door startles me awake.
“What the hell?” I ask as I climb out of bed and tug open the door.
Shadow is leaning on the door frame. His gleaming chest is bare, and a pair of sleep pants rest obscenely low on his narrow hips. He looks up at me with blue eyes shining and light brown hair falling in the sexiest way on his forehead.
“Hey,” he says softly.
I don’t respond, rather I just look at him and try to run through every possible scenario that would bring him to my door this late at night.
“Fuck it,” he says reaching out and grasping my neck.
He crushes his mouth against mine. I whimper into his rough caress as he grips my ass and lifts me off the floor.
I should push him away, slap him in the face for taking such liberties. I don’t. I’ve waited months for his mouth to be on mine again. It seems like I’ve longed forever to be back in his arms. I know how this ends. I know I’ll be a wreck after he leaves, but tonight? Tonight I’m going to take everything he’s willing to give me. Tonight I get to pretend he’s mine.
He carries me into the room and kicks the door closed with his bare foot. The backs of my thighs are against the mattress in a matter of seconds. He’s still drunk. I can’t taste the whiskey on his breath, but he carried me with sure arms and his footing never once faltered.
I love the feel of every hard muscle as I slide down his body and set my feet back on the floor. He’s hard as stone in all the right places. Most men at his age have become soft, less defined. Shadow, maybe due to his job and its physical requirements, is in top fighting form.
His hand tangles in my hair as he tilts my head to the angle he wants. Sure, skilled licks in my mouth make me weak in the knees. I feel the tingle of his kiss in every muscle in my body. Of their own volition, my hands roam his chest, his back, needing to feel the warmth of his skin.
He breaks the kiss only long enough to pull my sleep shirt over my head; then his mouth finds mine again. Talented hands run down my back, over my ass as he pushes my sweats to the floor. He lifts me again, forcing my legs to wrap around his waist as he hitches me up and places me in the center of the bed.
“Shadow,” I moan as his warm mouth finds that spot just at the base of my ear. My nails dig into his back as he nibbles and bites my flesh.
My eyes are closed, letting every one of my other senses take over. His touch, his heat, his heavy breathing all setting each one of my nerve endings on fire. I can’t even imagine ever feeling this way with another man; he has effectively ruined sex for me.
I hear a faint crinkle of foil. I could tell him I’m on birth control, and it would be the truth this time, but I know it’ll ruin the moment.
Without preamble or warning, he slides inside of me. I clench my eyes tight. It’s uncomfortable and slightly painful. I read in a book that sex for the first time, even after a cesarean is uncomfortable, but this is more than that. It may be because of his size, which from my limited experience I know isn’t the norm.
He leans over me, attempting to kiss me again, but I turn my head and bite his shoulder instead of crying out in pain. I feel like a virgin all over again, and from what I recall that never felt good.
He groans as my teeth sink into his flesh. The sound reverberates through my body, forcing it to loosen up and enjoy the erratic strokes of his hips. This is unlike the other times we’ve been together, even though it’s not the first time he was drunk while doing it.
It feels desperate, needy, as if he’s fucking me now because he feels like he’ll never get the chance again. I cup his face in my hands in an attempt to read his eyes, but he turns his head and buries it in my shoulder. I can feel the regret already seeping into him.
Despite my heart breaking, my body has other plans. A light sheen of sweat covers me, and I can feel the warmth rush over my skin. I grip a handful of his ass as my core trembles along his length. I can feel his body tense as his hips power his cock deep inside of me. His teeth bite into my shoulder as he increases the pounding drive of his body into mine.
I cry out as my orgasm takes me by force. I’m gasping for air and trying to clear the blur in my vision when I feel him stiffen deep inside of me. His thick cock pulses with his climax as he takes a shuddering breath. Pulling his face from my neck, he looks down at me.
I look into his hazy blue eyes, hoping this is the turning point in whatever we could be.
He squeezes them shut, denying me access to his feelings, keeping me from seeing into the portal to his soul. The trembles of my body change direction, no longer fueled by my orgasm, rather the pain from his unspoken rejection. I try to remind myself I’ve done nothing wrong. He came to me, not the other way around. I know I should’ve denied him, if for no other reason than the fact that he’s drunk, but I didn’t. I may not have acted like it, but I needed him more tonight than any one prior. I needed the connection he now regrets.
“Fuck,” he mutters pulling out of me.
He sits on the edge of the bed with his elbows on his knees running his hands roughly through his thick hair.
Fuck. It’s the only word that has been muttered since he walked in here. I should’ve paid more attention to the whole situation. Shadow stands up and pulls his pajama pants from where he merely shoved them down his thighs to release
his cock, back up around his waist. He didn’t even have the decency to take them off completely.
He walks to the door and leaves without a second look back.
I’ve never felt more like a used whore than I do right now.
Chapter 22
The banging in my head is being matched by the banging on my door. I roll over and curse the distillery who made the whiskey from last night. My bad decisions flash in my head as I make my way to the door. Getting drunk was only part of the issue. Knowing I was getting drunk because Misty pissed me off just made me angrier.
I was so pissed last night. I realize, now that the drunken haze is filtering out of me, that it was my issue, not hers. I took it out on her, though. I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life. I have my share of regret, but nothing compares to the regret I feel when I think back on what I did last night.
I got drunk and treated the mother of my child like some two-bit bar slut. The pain only increases when I realize I wouldn’t have even treated that blonde from the bar last night the way I treated Misty. She came. God, did she come. Gloriously. Squeezing the life out of my cock. That, however, doesn’t matter. I let my jealousy over her clothes at the bar fuel my actions. Not to mention the fact that I was beyond pissed that even with the blonde across the bar, the only thing I truly wanted was to be inside of Misty again.
“What?” I ask pulling open my door.
Kincaid is standing in my doorway with an eyebrow hitched up at my gruff tone.
“The guys told me you tied one on last night,” he says.
I shift away from the door and sit on the end of my bed. “You’ve got no fucking idea.”
He chuckles lightly at my confession, but I know he’d ream my ass in a big way if he knew the whole truth. He’s had a special place in his heart for Misty since the tip off on Josie back in Denver. He’s grown just as fond of Griffin as Emmalyn has. Not only that, but he’d never tolerate any of us treating a woman the way I did last night. Don’t get me wrong, some of the club girls like to be treated pretty rough. It’s not something I’ve ever been into, but last night was a violation of trust and emotions, so much worse than a hard crack on the ass or a controlled slap to the face.
“Blade called,” Kincaid says taking a seat in my desk chair.
An answer to an unspoken prayer. I would’ve left last night if I could’ve done more than stumble and fall into my bed. I’m still shocked I managed to get the fucking condom in the trash before falling into bed. Making it even worse is the fact that I dreamed about Misty last night. It wasn’t a sexual one like all of the other dreams I’ve had of her since she arrived. This one was dark, desolate, and full of pain, hers and mine, only ending with her vanishing off the face of the earth with Griffin. I woke up with clammy skin around four in the morning and barely made it to the bathroom before the whiskey rebelled against my body.
“Where are we heading?” I ask falling on my back on the bed. I feel like shit in more ways than one.
“We aren’t heading anywhere. You’ll lead this one.”
I cock an eye open at his words. He always goes out with us. This is unprecedented.
“Prez, what’s going on?”
“Em and I start fertility treatments next week. Blade told me this would be a short trip, but I’m not taking any chances.” He smiles from ear to ear. I can see the excitement in every movement of his body, the joy he feels at taking this next step with Em.
“That’s amazing, man.” I sit up on the bed and give him my full attention.
“You will be taking the guys to Guatemala.”
I groan. Central America sucks. Always has; always will. I’d rather be in the damn dry desert than in the tropical heat of the rain forest. I don’t bitch, though. I’ve never needed to get away from this clubhouse more than I do right now.
“What do we have going on there?” I ask.
“Twenty-two-year-old twins abducted from the Mayan Ruins at Tikal Park. They were with a less than reputable excursion group doing a sunrise tour. Parents made a killing on some dating app and decided moving to Belize would be all fun and sun. They were taking a vacation by themselves without their parents. Snatched up in less than an hour.”
“Fuck. When are people going to learn basic safety? No one thinks this shit will happen to them. They should’ve had security with them.” I sigh loudly and rub my hands over my tired eyes.
“We think this is part of the same group that got ahold of the girl in Costa Rica a few months ago,” Kincaid adds.
“Damn it. They nearly killed that girl. She’ll never be the same,” I mumble not at all prepared to see again what we saw during the rescue in Costa Rica.
This one feels different somehow. Missions to rescue abducted women have become more difficult since Griffin came along. I can’t even imagine what these parents are going through. Guatemala is not a country to fuck with. I’m not talking the normal pickpockets and armed robberies that are common in just about any large city. This country has one of the highest crime rates in Central America. Just because they make a ransom call doesn’t mean that your loved one isn’t already dead and dumped off somewhere; it happens that way more times than not.
“Wheels up in two hours,” Kincaid says before leaving the room. I was so stuck in my own head I forgot he was in here.
I stay sitting on the end of my bed until I hear Misty through the baby monitor singing to Griffin. Her voice is distant, which means she’s in the bathroom with him. I climb off the bed and turn the monitor off.
Guatemala is full of rebels, cartels, and people who would consider us enemies even though they’re not involved in the mission we’re sent there on. Central America is one of the most dangerous places to conduct business. I need a clear head, and the sweet voice and cooing of my son isn’t going to get me to the right mindset I need to stay safe on this mission.
I pack but stay in my room until damn near time to leave. I’m avoiding Misty. I can admit it’s an incredibly shitty thing to do, but I just don’t want to get into another argument with her. Even worse, I don’t want to see the disappointment in her eyes.
I carry my bags to the living room. Misty is nowhere to be seen, but Emmalyn is on the couch holding Griffin. I walk to them and place a soft kiss on the crown of his tiny head, taking in the scent of his baby wash.
“Be good for your momma,” I say softly. He smiles at me and my heart calms. There’s no other love than the love for a child.
My smile fades when I look across the room and see Misty standing in the doorway to the hall that leads to the bedrooms. I swallow roughly and suddenly have the urge to walk to her, apologize for last night. The sadness in her eyes is acute, the pain clear as day. I give her a slight nod of my head, grab my bags, and leave. I should swallow my pride, but I don’t know how to forgive her.
Even worse is I don’t know how to forgive myself. I prayed for hours, begged God for the baby that showed up with her not to be mine. I didn’t need the hassle that came along with an unplanned child. I never really imagined my life going in a fatherly direction, and I certainly didn’t see being a father yet not a husband. I regret every whispered prayer and wouldn’t trade being Griffin’s dad for anything in the world.
***
“Damn it, Bri. I don’t have time for this shit,” I snarl into the phone.
Her laughter on the other end of the line grates on my nerves, which are already shot from dodging bullets and traffickers who are pissed my team is interfering with their Drug Super Highway. We’ve been here for eight days and still haven’t found the girls we were sent here for. I’ve seen more powder than what covers the tips of the Alps in the winter, but we’re not here to bust the coke dealers.
“Griffin is fine, Morrison. If you want to know about Misty, then you’ll need to call her yourself. She has a phone you know. She had one the last time you went on a job,” she says brightly, clearly enjoying the opportunity to fuck with me.
“I already have you on the phone.
I don’t see what the big deal is to tell me how she’s doing.” I close my eyes and attempt to reel in my anger. Brighton has always been obstinate, but it seems to have grown exponentially since she’s been in the clubhouse.
I hear her sigh. “She’s quiet, okay? Keeping to herself a lot. She’s been that way since you left, and I know you did something to upset her, so if you want to know anything else you can call her yourself.”
I can’t deny it. I can still see the pain in her eyes when I left for this trip.
“We won’t be here much longer,” I tell her.
“I’ve told you this before, but you need to reconsider your line of work. Before it was your family worrying about you, but you have a child now. You need to think about him before risking your life doing shit like this. I know there are things you can do domestically that won’t require you to be gone for weeks at a time putting your life on the line.” I can hear the sincerity in her voice.
We say our goodbyes, and I can’t decide if I want to be there to ease Misty’s pain or stay away forever.
I used to love this job, wouldn’t have traded it for anything in the world, but things are different now. I don’t want my son to grow up without a father. Every little boy thinks his father is a hero, but I want to be a living, breathing one, not a flag on the mantel and only stories to ease his heart.
I have to get my head in the right place. As much as I regret what happened a little over a week ago, I can’t focus on that. Making a mistake in such a heavily-armed population could be fatal; I’d never be able to right my wrongs then.
Chapter 23
Shadow has been gone nearly two weeks. It’s not the first time he’s gone out on a job, but this time, it seems as if time is standing still. People are starting to notice my mood. I keep to myself as much as possible to avoid the inquisition I know will come if the girls get wind of what happened the night before he left.