by Marie James
I squeeze my eyes shut tight unable to get the sight of their mangled, tiny bodies out of my head. That shit is going to stay with me for a while.
“I just,” I say leaning into the window sill and looking out. “I can’t help but think this shit can happen to any parent. Short of locking them up or tying them down.” I shake my head. “I don’t even want to imagine what those parents are going through.”
I swipe angrily at the tear that dares to roll down my cheek. Twin boys. Their only children. Gone. One childhood, mischievous act. One miscalculation.
I understand how delicate life is. I know each and every time we get called out for a job that it could be the very last time I walk away from the clubhouse. It didn’t used to be so difficult, but I know now that my heart and soul are in that building. It isn’t just material things or friends who will miss me if I slip up and my number is called. Now, I leave behind my family. The son I never knew I needed to be whole. The woman I love without a doubt.
I shake my head and begin pacing again.
“It’s late,” Kincaid says standing from the small table. “You should try to get some sleep. We get to head home tomorrow.”
I nod my head at him but know there’s no way I’ll sleep tonight. Every time I close my eyes the sight of those little boys floods my mind. A gallon of whiskey would be nice, but I gave that shit up.
I pull out my phone and call the only person I remotely want to speak to right now. The phone rings once, then goes to voicemail. I know Misty had a shift tonight at the bar, but when she’s busy and unable to answer, her phone always rings a half dozen times and then goes to voicemail. It going to voicemail instantly means she pressed the ignore button. She’s avoiding me. This, coupled with how she was acting yesterday sends a shiver of unease up my back.
I can’t help but think that she’s running. I’m not there to hold her and remind her everything will be okay with the court. Without me there I know her mind has to be racing a million miles an hour.
I listen to her voicemail greeting, needing to hear her voice, but I don’t leave a message.
I call the second person in my contact list.
“Hey, little brother,” Bri says sleepily as she answers her phone.
“Misty isn’t answering her phone.”
“Okay.” Bri sounds distant, distracted.
“Is she still at work?”
“She didn’t work tonight,” Bri says with a yawn. I can hear the sheets rustle.
“Is she sick? What’s wrong with her?”
“She’s not sick, Morrison.” She doesn’t give me any more information, and it pisses me off. She’s purposely being obtuse.
“I swear to fuck, Bri, if you don’t tell me what the hell is going on.”
I hear Bri sigh, and my frustration only grows.
“Bri,” I warn.
Her next words make my blood run cold. “She’s moving out.”
What. The. Fuck.
“Moving out? As in she’s leaving with my son? She can’t just take him away.”
I’m outside pacing now. The tiny cabin I was in minutes ago is no longer big enough to accommodate my pacing.
“She found an apartment in town, Morrison. She’s not just leaving. She wants to be independent,” my sister explains in a rush.
“Don’t let her leave, Bri. I’ll be home tomorrow.”
“She’s already started moving her stuff in. It’s a really nice place. Good neighborhood and all that.”
My sister yawns again and the sound grates on my last nerve. My world is crumbling, and she’s yawning.
“I don’t care how nice it is, Bri. She belongs with me. Griffin belongs with me. We belong together. The three of us.”
I kick at a pile of dust and cough when the shit flies back and hits me directly in the face. I can’t catch a fucking break.
“Have you told her this? I know you haven’t, because if you had, she wouldn’t have packed all of her and Griffin’s things today.” My sister, always the voice of reason.
Have I told her how I feel? Not in so many words, but I’ve shown her with my body, with my hands, mouth, and eyes how much she means to me.
I sit on the bottom step of the cabin and hang my head. I let my mind run through the conversations we’ve had. I’ve never mentioned plans for the future. I’ve never called the three of us a family. Everything has gone unspoken. She needed the words I’ve never muttered.
“She can’t leave,” I say into the phone once again. “I need them.”
“They need you,” my sister says softly.
I pinch the bridge of my nose and take a deep breath.
“I’ll be home tomorrow,” I say again.
I hear her shuffle in her bed again, and the clearing of her throat means she’s about to get serious. My heart races not knowing what kind of shit she’s about to lay at my feet.
“You need to make sure she’s what you want,” Bri says firmly.
“She’s the mother of my child,” I reply hastily.
“She is,” Bri agrees. “She’ll be in your life forever, but you need to make sure you place her in the right category. If you only choose to be with her because of the obligation you feel because of Griffin, you’re doing it for the wrong reasons.”
“I care about her,” I reply.
“I care about Trey, but that doesn’t mean we’re the right fit for a future together.”
I grind my back molars together just thinking about that piece of shit back in Tennessee.
“All I’m saying,” she continues, “is that you don’t need to chase her unless you’re one hundred percent ready to catch her.”
“I never thought I’d be in this situation,” I admit.
“That changes nothing,” Bri says.
“I care about her.” Why do I feel like I have to defend my stance on Misty to my sister? Does she doubt that Misty and I are right for each other?
“She cares for you also, but it’s not enough.”
I know she does. If I concentrate hard enough, I can still hear her confession of love to Griffin. I can recall the hitch in her voice when she told him that I loved him but not her. I didn’t allow those feelings to break through my shell before that day.
“I’ll be back tomorrow.” Why do I feel like I’ve said that a million times already? It doesn’t change anything.
“Tonight is her last night here. She’s already moved everything to the new apartment. You should call her. Tell her how you feel.”
Tell her how I feel. Sounds simple enough. I wish I knew the exact words to say.
“I tried calling. She sent me straight to voicemail.”
I hear Bri sigh. “You two are both so fucking stubborn.”
I huff out a quick laugh. “You’re one to talk,” I say.
“We’re not talking about me. I’ll see you tomorrow little brother.”
“Text me her address,” I say with mild bitterness.
Her address.
We should have the same address. If things go the way I hope tomorrow we will once again.
We say goodbye, and I sit on the little porch for hours trying to figure out what to say to her. I can think of a million ways to beg her to come back, but to what end? I feel in my heart like she owns me, but I’ve never felt this way before. I don’t know what true love is supposed to feel like. I don’t have the words to express that shit.
I know I want to touch her. I want to hold her against my chest every day for the rest of my life. I want to tell Kincaid that I don’t want to be called out on dangerous expeditions any longer. That, in and of itself, makes me feel like a pussy; like I’m letting my team down. How is my life any more valuable than theirs? I know it’s not. I know Misty and Griffin have more to lose if something happens to me. The other guys don’t have wives and children.
Don’t chase her unless you’re ready to catch her.
Bri’s words echo in my head.
The front door opening startles me. It should never h
appen. I should never be so wrapped up in my own thoughts that someone has the ability to sneak up on me. Heavy boots leave the cabin and cross to me on the porch.
Kincaid.
“I thought you were going to get some sleep,” he says sitting down beside me.
“Just out here thinking,” I say pocketing my cell phone. I refuse to try to call Misty again. I can only be rejected so many times.
“What are you thinking about?” What is this? Girlfriend share time?
I’d call Kincaid out on his touchy feely shit, but I know he’s going through a ton of stuff as well.
“Forever,” I answer honestly.
“Forever?” He repeats.
I nod. “It’s a long fucking time.”
He nods his head in agreement.
“It is,” he responds. “Well, I guess it depends on the subject.”
“How so?” Please, oh wise one. Tell me the difference.
“Forever in line waiting for a taxi in the rain. That shit sucks.” He looks across the yard and smiles. “Forever spent with Emmalyn? Forever isn’t long enough.”
He stands up from his place beside me and slaps me on the back. He walks back into the cabin and leaves me alone on the front porch.
I smile at his analogies, wondering how much of my conversation with Bri he heard before he joined me.
Chapter 37
Even though it’s coming later than I thought it would, I know who’s at the door the second his knuckles wrap against it.
Bri warned me that she spoke with Shadow last night. Her full disclosure confession also included that she gave him the address to the apartment. I expected nothing less. I’m not hiding from him.
I run my fingers through my hair before opening the door, as if he’s going to be concerned about how I look.
“Hi,” I say softly when the door is finally tugged open, and my brown eyes meet his blues.
“Misty,” he says gruffly.
He’s leaning on the doorframe on one arm but doesn’t make an attempt to step inside.
His gaze rakes over my entire body, and suddenly, I feel underdressed. The reaction is crazy since he’s seen me naked several times. His eyes rest on my lips, and I see his fingers twitch.
Normally his reaction would make me smile, but today it only adds to the depression.
I know he wants to fuck me. That’s never been a problem. The sexual attraction between the two of us has always been near the boiling point when we’re together.
I want him to need me, not just my body.
“You want to come in?” I ask stepping out of the way and holding the door open wider.
“I want you to come home,” he says not moving from the door frame.
“This is where we live now,” I answer looking down at my hands.
“Griffin should be in his crib in my room,” he says. I expect anger in his voice but find none.
I look up at him, registering for the first time pain in his eyes as he looks at me.
“I’d never keep him from you, Shadow. You can visit anytime you want. We just need to work out a schedule.”
His eyes narrow, and he finally clears the doorway, closing the heavy door softly behind him. I hear the lock move into place with a soft click.
I tell my body not to respond to his. I don’t think I’m scared of him. I don’t imagine he’d ever hurt me physically, but my brain takes this moment to remind me that I hardly know the man at all.
He stalks toward me like a predator. A cold chill of fear combined with misplaced arousal consumes my body.
“I don’t want to work out a fucking schedule, Misty. I want you both under the same roof as me.”
“You need to see Griffin. I get that. I’m not going to make that difficult.”
By now he’s almost flush against my body. I feel his panting breaths against my skin.
I look up into his amazing blue eyes since he’s so close and towering over me. The look in his eyes doesn’t scare me rather than empower me. There’s longing, and if I look hard enough, something I’d equate to love. There’s disappointment as well. I have no idea if that’s disappointment in himself or me.
“I need to see you as well,” he says softly running the scruff of his beard against my cheek.
It’s our only point of contact, but I feel him all over my body as if tiny tendrils of his soul are wrapping around mine.
“What are we?” I ask as my eyes flutter closed.
I feel his fingers tangle in my loose hair, and my head is tilted back. I look up to find his bright eyes staring directly into mine.
“I care about you,” he says softly.
He frowns as a tear rolls down my cheek.
“That’s not enough for me,” I confess, my heart shattering.
He pulls me against his chest, and every inch of my lonely body is touching part of his. He encapsulates me in his warmth as my quiet sobs take over.
“Darlin’,” he says softly.
I shake my head. I don’t need to hear any more. The sting of his rejection is bad enough without putting it into words.
I feel the soft brush of his lips against mine.
One last time, I promise myself. I’ll let him have me this very last time. Allow our bodies to say goodbye. Then we can move forward as Griffin’s parents. Finally, my heart can heal.
“I’ve missed you so much,” he says as his warm mouth travels down my neck.
He’s missed fucking you, Misty. Don’t get your hopes up.
“I missed you, too,” I say in a breathless whisper.
“Is he asleep?” he asks.
I look at him confused. His fingers are trailing down the skin of my stomach, and I can’t seem to concentrate on anything else.
He chuckles. “Is Griffin asleep?”
I nod. “He’s been down for about an hour,” I answer, letting my head roll on my shoulders as his mouth finds my nipple through the thin cotton of my tank top.
“How’s his week been?”
Why in the world are we talking about this right now?
“Fine,” I groan.
His fingers are gripping my ass in each hand. He lifts gently, and my legs instinctively go around his waist.
“Sleeping through the night?”
“Yes,” I pant.
“Perfect,” he says walking me down the hall toward the bedroom. “Because I don’t plan on stopping until the sun comes up.”
One last time? One last night? There’s not really a difference, right?
His mouth finds mine as he lowers me slowly to the queen-sized bed.
“I’m not good at words, Darlin’,” he says against my lips. “Let me show you with my body how I feel.” He rolls his hips against my center, and I melt in his arms.
The insistent throbbing between my legs takes over. I’m mindless when he peels my shirt over my head. I don’t think twice about raising my hips to make it easier for him to remove my shorts and panties.
His thick fingers spread me open, and I feel his hot breath a second before his tongue sweeps over my clit.
“Oh God,” I moan. The mouth on this man.
I rotate my hips against his working mouth, reveling in the feel of his flattened tongue on my delicate flesh.
“Shadow,” I groan as he pushes two big fingers inside of me.
The tiny muscles of my core are fluttering around his intrusion, begging for more, insisting he go deeper.
“Please,” I beg.
I feel his lips turn up into a smile against my inner thigh.
Amusing him is not my intention. I grip a handful of his hair and tug. The heat in his eyes is palpable when he slides up my body.
He kisses me deeply; my lingering taste on his tongue mixing inside my mouth.
“I need you,” he says reverently.
“You have me,” I say as he slides inside.
I push my head harder against the pillow. My back arches, allowing him to take the tip of my breast between his lips.
&nbs
p; With expert thrusts, he brings me close to climax faster than he ever has.
His large hands roam every inch of my body. His mouth and tongue sweep and taste anything in reach. He’s worshipping me. All of which, I enjoy at the moment, but I know will sting like a bitch in my memories after tonight.
I whimper as he pulls out to the tip and slides all the way in several times. Torturously slow he takes me to the edge. His hips stop as he settles all the way in. My muscles cling to him, squeezing in anticipation.
He pushes hard against me. I relish the tiny bite of pain as he pushes just past my limit. I know I’ll feel him there tomorrow. I swivel my hips, needing more.
“Please,” I beg again.
He looks down at me as if he’s almost pained at having to hold back. I know he needs to come. I can feel the tautness in the muscles on his back against my fingers. His body is trembling at fighting his own release.
“Take me with you,” I demand softly against the sweat covered skin of his neck.
He groans loudly, shifting his hips back and slamming into me. Once. Twice. On the third thrust, I feel him swell and begin to pulse erratically inside of me.
I groan as his release triggers my own. I claw at him. Scream his name. Mumble incoherent words as his body gives me every physical desire I could ever ask for.
“Mmm,” I moan against his mouth as he kisses me softly.
“That’s how I feel about you, Misty,” he says softly against my lips.
I allow him to turn me in his arms, placing my back against his front. Could this man be any denser? Because what we did doesn’t explain a damn thing about what tomorrow will look like, other than sweaty sex.
Don’t get me wrong, I feel the connection. I feel the passion in his fingertips as he touches me. I need the words. I don’t want to have to analyze what he’s feeling by stripping apart his actions.
I fall asleep in his arms. My body totally content, my heart just a little more broken.
Chapter 38
I don’t even realize Misty had the baby monitor in the room until the shuffling and cooing of my son slowly brought me out of sleep. I lie in bed with Misty half across my chest and smile. He refuses to say mama, no matter how many times I’ve tried to get him to say it when we’re alone, but hearing him mumble dada dada while in his crib almost makes my heart explode with pride and love.