Breathe Into Me

by Michelle Betham

  “I just… I really think I need to do this, Harry. You know how…” She briefly looked down before her eyes once more met those of her agent. “Deep down inside I don’t think I ever really accepted everything that happened. I don’t think I got over everything I did, everything he did…”

  “You go back there, and I can’t promise the shit won’t hit the fan.”

  “None of that… It hasn’t come out yet, has it? All these years and…”

  “You think it’ll stay that way?”

  She left a couple of beats before she answered that question. “I don’t know.”

  “Exactly. You don’t know. And neither do I, I can’t promise you anything, sweetheart, and I don’t think you really understand the implications of letting him back in your life. You won’t be able to keep those secrets anymore, that I can promise you.”

  She just threw him a look, and Harry raised an eyebrow, which Quinn ignored.

  “It’s dangerous, Quinn. Going back, opening that can of worms, it’s so fucking dangerous. And I can’t understand why you’d want to do that, why you’d want to take that risk when you’d put it all behind you…”

  “Have I, though, Harry? Have I really put it all behind me?”

  “So seek more counseling, talk to your shrink, anything. But you don’t need to do this. I mean, what if he…?”

  “He won’t.”

  “You know how I feel about what happened.”

  She took another sip of her drink and looked around the busy restaurant, out onto the beach, her eyes resting on the cobalt blue sea with its tiny, white-tipped waves kicked up by the slight breeze. “You’d go behind my back?”

  “I didn’t say that, Quinn.”

  She turned her head to face Harry. “Is this, you know, some kind of blackmail? I take this role and you’ll, what? Break my trust? Do something I asked you not to do?”

  “I never agreed with your decision at the time, and I never made a secret of that. I just wanted you to deal with things in whatever way you thought best. I just wanted you to be over him, and if that’s what it took… I thought you were. Over him.”

  “I am.”

  “Then why the hell are we doing this crap? Look, I’m speaking as your friend now, not your agent, because God knows this movie could – would – make us both a lot of money. But I’m speaking as your friend now, Quinn, and I’m begging you to turn this down. Walk away, honey, before you do something you might regret.”

  “And what if my biggest regret is not putting this thing to rest once and for all? Harry, please, I need to do this, OK? And I don’t know why I suddenly feel like I need this kind of closure, I don’t, I just…” She fixed him with a look that made Harry’s heart sink. “I can’t walk away. I haven’t seen him since he went into rehab, and that was almost a decade ago. I’ve managed to avoid him, for all those years, and God knows that’s been hard, in this town. But when I heard those rumors, about his involvement in Aaron’s movie… Maybe it’s a sign, you know? And he’s changed, hasn’t he? He’s got his life back on track, and I never really gave him credit for that. He went through a lot, and I still feel guilty…”

  “Hey, you listen to me, kiddo. You were not to blame for what happened to him. OK?”

  “I left him. I walked away when he needed me most.”

  “And what was he doing when you needed him? He was a first-rate, jackass prick who didn’t give a fuck about you, Quinn.”

  “He loved me.”

  “And he showed the world just how much he loved you by screwing every model, reality TV star and D-list actress right in front of your beautiful face. Yeah, he loved you, Quinn. He loved you that much.”

  Quinn felt a tight, almost crushing pain cut across her chest and she dropped her gaze again, breathing in deep. “I loved him, Harry. And I wanted to help him. I wanted that, so much.” She looked up, and the expression on her face made Harry’s heart break. “And I tried, didn’t I? I tried, you know I did. I tried so hard to help him, because I loved him. But I couldn’t. He wouldn’t let me.”

  Harry reached out and took her hand, squeezing it gently. “Nobody could’ve helped him, Quinn. Not at that point. He was gonna self-destruct, no matter what.”

  “I know, but… if he’d known about…”

  “No matter what, Quinn.”

  “He came back, though. Didn’t he? From all of that. He got better, he changed, and maybe I should have…”

  “You moved on. And you needed to do that. You needed to move on… Leave this alone, Quinn. Please. It’s complicated enough that your husband and your ex could be about to make a movie together, God knows that’ll be enough to set the Hollywood gossip grapevine into overdrive. But if it comes out that you’re joining the cast, too… Are you really ready for that? For the questions and the rumors and the attention; for the strain that would put on your private life? It’d be brutal, kiddo. It’d be fucking brutal. So I’m begging you, please, walk away from this.”

  She shook her head and stared down at Harry’s hand holding hers. “I can’t do that, Harry.”

  “Yes, you can. You did it once, you walked away, you got on with your life. And now he’s getting on with his. You don’t need to go back there. Neither of you do.”

  Her eyes locked on Harry’s, holding his gaze. “I have to do this. Because I have to know.”

  Harry frowned and let go of Quinn’s hand, leaning back in his chair. “Know what?”

  “I never let him go. Not really. I couldn’t do it…”

  “Oh, Jesus…” Harry sighed heavily, dragging a hand back through his hair. This was gonna inflame his fucking ulcer, he knew it. “He almost destroyed you, Quinn. What you went through…”

  “He was my husband. And for a while we were happy.”

  Harry leaned forward again, clasping his hands together as he stared at her, hoping he was going to get through this time, because he had a bad feeling about this. A really bad feeling. “Aaron saved you, Quinn. He fucking saved you, and he has no idea… no idea how broken you really were, what you’d really been through, but he saved you. And I think you would be putting your marriage in serious jeopardy, if you do this.” He bowed his head and let out a weary sigh, giving her hand another squeeze. “You need to talk to Aaron. You need to talk to him.”

  Quinn breathed in deeply and pulled her hand away from Harry’s. “It’ll be fine. We can handle this. All of us. It’s going to be OK.”

  Harry’s quota of sighs was well on the rise today. “Quinn…”

  Her eyes once more locked with her agent’s. This conversation was over now. The deal was all but done. “I’m making this movie, Harry.”

  “The only thing you’re making, Quinn, is one huge, fucking mistake.”

  ***

  Aaron Rogers was in the process of filming the final few scenes of Code of Honor, a political thriller in which he played a young, dynamic President of the United States. He was due to wrap in just a couple of days’ time, and then it was straight on to his next movie, a dark drama about an intense and dangerous love triangle between three work colleagues.

  Shooting on that had been held up for a few weeks while they’d tried to find a new director after the original one had to pull out due to a family illness, and problems finding a suitable second male lead had also meant delays to production, not to mention the fact the female lead was also in the process of being recast after Eva Greenwood had been forced to leave the project due to personal problems that everyone in Hollywood guessed was her return to alcohol addiction. But they were about to name her replacement any day now, so he’d been told, and then shooting could finally begin. But the biggest announcement had just been revealed not ten minutes ago when Aaron’s agent had called with the news that they’d finally found a new director for the movie. And the second male lead. And that news had hit Aaron like a hammer blow, even though the rumors had been flying around for a few weeks now. He’d just thought they were nothing more than that. Rumors. But now it seemed
those rumors had been true. Lukas Drake was his new co-star. Lukas Drake was directing. Aaron was going to be sharing top billing with a man he’d never actually come face to face with, despite both of them being two of Hollywood’s biggest hitters. But then, Aaron had never really wanted to get all that close to Quinn’s ex-husband. Why would he? He knew of their past history; who didn’t? He knew, before Lukas Drake had pissed it all away, that he and Quinn had been one of the movie world’s most loved-up couples. Their relationship, in the beginning, had been like a Hollywood fairytale – two new, hot young actors who’d fallen in love making their first movie together. She’d adored him, and he’d worshipped her, until his spectacular fall from grace. He was one lucky son-of-a-bitch to have had a second chance in this town, and Aaron had to give the guy some kind of kudos for pulling himself out of that shit and starting over the way he had. But working with him, that was something he could barely get his head around. Would it put Quinn in a place she didn’t want to be? Too close to a man she’d spent almost ten years trying to forget? Should he be thinking of walking away from this? Of leaving it alone, for Quinn’s sake? For both their sakes? Did they need Lukas Drake coming into their lives, threatening everything they had? Quinn was his now. She was his, they were in love. They had a happy, stable life and Aaron would never risk that the way Lukas had. That wasn’t his style. But this – would this put all of that in jeopardy?

  For almost ten years Aaron had been by Quinn’s side, watching as her star rose even further, more so after she’d walked out on Lukas because, to some extent, she’d probably always been slightly in his shadow. But once she’d left him, that put her firmly in the spotlight, and work had started to flood in for her from every conceivable direction, everything from movies to TV shows, voiceovers to modeling contracts. And by the time he and Quinn had gotten married they’d become the kind of power couple Hollywood craved – genuinely in love and never afraid to show that. For almost ten years they’d been happy and settled and as far as he’d been aware Quinn had never given Lukas Drake a second thought. But now…

  “You OK there, Aaron?”

  Aaron looked up and smiled as Rita Delgardo leaned over the desk he was sitting behind on the Oval Office set at Grayson Studios, where Code of Honor was being filmed – green screens, CGI and various other forms of Hollywood trickery meant they’d never actually set foot in Washington DC more than twice throughout the entire shoot.

  “I’m fine. How you holding up? I hear your mom’s not doing too well.”

  “She’s out of hospital now. Still needs looking after, though, which is why my brother and his wife are coming over from Encino. They’re moving in for a few weeks to keep an eye on her. I’d do it myself, but things are so busy here, I don’t think I could give her the time and care she needs right now.”

  Aaron stood up and walked around the front of the desk, his hands in the pockets of his suit pants. “I’m sure if you needed some time out…”

  Rita shook her head and walked over to him, reaching out to straighten his tie. “I don’t need any time out, and besides, we’re almost done here, aren’t we? Cal and Amie can take care of Mom for the next couple of days.”

  Aaron shot her another smile, resting his hand over hers and pulling it gently away from his tie. “You give Gracie my love next time you see her, OK?”

  Rita took a small step back from him, returning his smile. “Yeah. I’ll do that. She always did like you.”

  Aaron slipped his hands back into his pockets, watching as his co-star walked off set, all red hair and curves that most men would kill to get their hands on, and he should know. He’d been there. He’d almost married that woman. They’d been happy together, once-upon-a-time. But Aaron knew he’d never really loved her. He’d never really loved anyone, until Quinn Baxter had walked into his life.

  Twenty years earlier…

  “You OK, about doing this scene?” Harry asked, finding Quinn sitting on the steps of her trailer just outside the sound stage she was filming on in the Grayson Studios lot.

  “It’s my job. I’m fine with it.”

  He sat down beside her, clasping his hands together between his knees, staring out ahead of him as people rushed about all around them. “You’re very young, Quinn. To be doing this kind of stuff, I mean.”

  She looked at her agent, smiling slightly as her eyes met his. “I’m twenty years old, Harry. And this isn’t a porn shoot, it’s a controlled sex scene. This is Hollywood, and they’re not exactly uncommon around here, are they? Sex scenes.”

  He returned her smile. “Neither’s porn. You don’t have to do anything you’re not happy with, that’s all I’m saying. I mean, it’s great that you’re being so professional, believe me, that makes my job a hell of a lot easier. And the director, he’s crazy about you, kiddo, make no mistake about that. But if there’s something you’re not completely comfortable with…”

  “We went through the script together, Harry. We knew what was coming… Look, this is my first movie role, and it’s a fucking major one, so I will do whatever I have to to make this work.”

  “Shit, Quinn. Now you’re sounding like the ten-a-penny wannabes who’d sell their soul and drop their panties for any studio exec who breathed in their direction. Please tell me you were never gonna resort to that.”

  She shrugged, turning her head away so she was staring straight out. “Who knows what I would’ve done if you hadn’t walked into that sandwich shop. All I know is, I don’t want to go back home.”

  Harry waited a beat or two before he spoke again. “Nobody’s saying you’d have to go back home, Quinn…”

  “This is going to work, Harry. I’ll make it work.”

  “No matter what, huh?” Harry watched her for a couple of seconds, her expression stoic as she continued to stare out ahead of her. It’d taken a while before Harry had finally managed to get Quinn to talk about the reasons why she’d ended up in L.A. At first she’d given the same old story they all spieled – how she had this dream of becoming an actress, the same dream millions of others just like her sought. But even if that were true, and maybe it was; even if that were true he’d known, from the second he’d met her – he’d known that there was more to her story than that. And when she’d finally opened up about her mom and dad, he’d listened, and he’d watched as the pain she still obviously felt became etched on her beautiful face. That’s when he’d known she was real. She was the one he’d been looking for. But she’d also begged him to keep it quiet, to not put her past out there for everyone to read about, sympathize with; judge. She wanted it kept quiet, and he had no intention of betraying her trust. Here in Hollywood people liked mystery. Besides, if people wanted a past from Quinn Baxter, they’d make one up. They’d create one. Because that’s what they did; that was Harry’s job, for Christ’s sake. They didn’t deal in reality over here, they dealt in fantasy and dreams. “You don’t have to roll over backwards just because this is your first acting job, Quinn. Don’t let people think you’re a doormat, don’t give them a reason to treat you that way…”

  She swung her head around to look at him, so fast it made Harry flinch. “That’s not what I’m doing.” In a split second, though, her mood changed, that rush of anger – it was the only way Harry could describe it – dissipating almost as quickly as it had appeared. “Look, Harry, I know you’re only looking out for me, but we’re talking a sex scene here. It’s acting. I’m not being forced to take part in some kind of ritual orgy.”

  “You haven’t experienced the Hollywood party scene yet, then?” The corner of his mouth edged up into a smile and Quinn couldn’t help but laugh.

  “And anyway, what woman wouldn’t want to get naked with that insanely hot co-star of mine?”

  “Lukas Drake?” Harry frowned. “Probably best to stay away from that one.”

  “You my bodyguard now, too?” But Quinn was smiling when she’d said that. And Harry couldn’t help being slightly over-protective of his new client, because she was
the one who was going to set this town alight, he was certain of that now. She was the one he’d been looking for. From the very first second he’d watched her in that screen test, he’d seen it – a raw talent and a deep, soulful beauty that was so rare in this town. And he needed to make sure she stayed that way. He needed to protect her from those things that could taint everything she still was.

  “I just hear things, y’know? On the grapevine.”

  “Like what? Like, Lukas Drake’s some kind of drug-taking, womanizing party animal who treats all girls like pieces of meat?”

  “I have no idea, sweetheart, but even if that’s the kind of guy he is he wouldn’t be all that different to a lot of other guys his age, in his profession.”

  Quinn raised an eyebrow, a wry smile on her face. “So…? He’s a no-go area, then, huh?”

  Harry looked right at her, not really knowing how to answer that one. There was no reason why Quinn should stay away from Lukas. He just didn’t want her getting distracted, that was all. If she really wanted her movie career to take off in a big way, that’s what she needed to put her energy into. There’d be plenty of time for relationships later. “You looking for a boyfriend?”

  “Not really, no.”

  “Good.”

  “But if I was, it wouldn’t be any of your business.”

  “If it impacts on your career, honey, then it becomes my business.”

  Quinn wasn’t listening now. This was a pointless conversation, because of course she wasn’t looking for a relationship. Of any kind. She had work to do. A future to secure. That’s what she had to concentrate on. “I’m going for a walk. I need to clear my head before we start shooting this scene.”

  “A walk…? Quinn, come on, they’ll be calling you in a minute.”

  She turned around, smiling at him as she backed away. “I’m only going to grab a donut. I need a sugar hit.”