Breathe Into Me

by Michelle Betham

  She rested her forehead against his, closing her eyes and breathing in deep. That’s what she should do, what she really wanted to do, but instead she slowly shook her head and pulled back from him. “I can’t, baby, you know that. I’ve got to go.” She kissed him gently, her lips lingering against his because she didn’t really want to go anywhere. “I’m going to get ready. If you change your mind…”

  She began to walk away, heading toward the stairs, her heart beating hard and fast because she just needed some space now.

  “Quinn… That movie you and Lukas made together…”

  Aaron’s words caused her to stop dead in her tracks, and she slowly turned around, her eyes immediately meeting his. “What about it? That was almost twenty years ago, Aaron…”

  “Yeah, but it’s still talked about now, isn’t it? And you think they won’t bring it up again?”

  “Aaron, please…”

  “All these years and you’ve never even mentioned Lukas, never shown any interest in seeing him again. I mean, you’ve even gone out of your way to avoid him, I’ve seen it with my own eyes, so, why now, huh? Why this? Why do this movie?”

  “Are you accusing me of something here, Aaron? Because I’m not sure what…”

  “You and him – what they said you did, on camera, in that movie…”

  “Why are you bringing this up now?”

  “Because everyone else is gonna, Quinn. Do you still not get that? What I’m doing now, they’re gonna throw shit ten times worse at you, at him; at me. So I’m asking you, because you never did give a definitive answer, to me or to anyone, everyone just assumed it was hype, and that hype worked, no one can deny that. Those rumors that movie generated gave great box office, hell, it kick-started both your careers! But did you really fuck him, Quinn? Huh? Did you and Lukas Drake actually fuck for the cameras? Or is it really just some kind of Hollywood urban myth?”

  “No. We didn’t,” she whispered, not missing a beat, her eyes boring into his.

  “You seem very certain.”

  “I was there, Aaron.”

  “So, it was all pretend?”

  “We were acting. We do it all the time.”

  “Come here.”

  She moved closer, and he reached out to gently touch her cheek, stroking her skin with his thumb. She rested her hand over his and closed her eyes as his lips touched hers, and as he held her she felt a myriad of emotions start clashing inside her – fear, nerves, excitement, confusion. Guilt. They were all there, all fighting with each other. But the winner was fear. It was pushing its way forward, leaving the rest of the pack behind. Quinn Baxter was frightened – of what she was doing; of what she’d done. Of what she might do next?

  “I just love you so much, Quinn.”

  “I love you, too,” she whispered, and she meant it. Of course she meant it. She’d loved Aaron Rogers for a long time. He’d been her rock, her safety blanket, her source of strength. He’d saved her. He just had no idea what from.

  “Then stay home. Fuck the premiere…”

  “I need to be there, Aaron. I have to be there. Come on, baby, don’t make this something it doesn’t need to be.”

  He leaned in closer, nuzzling her neck, his hand moving down over her shoulder, his fingers grazing her collar bone as he pushed her gently back against the wall. “I need you, right now,” he murmured, sliding his hand up underneath her robe, finding her breasts, her nipples immediately hardening at his touch. “I need you, Quinn.”

  And who was she to argue? He was her husband. And she needed him, too. Now, more than ever. She needed him…

  Twenty Years Earlier…

  The wrap party was being held on the Grayson Studio lot. One of the sound stages had been decorated with fairy lights and lanterns, loud music pumping out from various strategically placed speakers while outside three huge food trucks and a mobile bar had been set up in an area lined with trestle tables, with more fairy lights and lanterns illuminating the space.

  Everyone was happy, all proud of the movie they’d just completed, but Quinn didn’t know quite what she was feeling. They’d only finished shooting the final scene a few hours ago, and whilst the overall mood was bordering on euphoric – the director was beyond certain that they had a sure-fire box office hit on their hands – she felt somewhat empty. She just had no idea why. This had been the most exhilarating experience of her life, and she now knew that this was what she was supposed to do, it was what she wanted to do, for the rest of her life. Which was good, because it wasn’t about to end here. Harry already had options lined up for her – more movie roles, a fragrance commercial, not to mention the chance to become the face of a global make-up brand. It was all starting to happen. Her dream really was beginning to come true. And Harry, he’d told her that this movie, it was going make her and Lukas stars. Big stars. But despite all of that, Quinn always erred on the side of caution. Nothing was ever guaranteed in life. There was always the possibility of something happening that could stop everything in its tracks; change your entire world in a heartbeat. She knew that better than anyone.

  “Here. You look like you could do with one of these.”

  She glanced up as Lukas sat down beside her, holding out a bottle of ice-cold beer. The two of them had become even closer as the shoot had gone on, and now, a little over three months later, she knew she could call him one of her best friends. But they were heading toward more than that, she knew that, too. He knew it. You couldn’t shoot a movie like the one they’d just shot and not become close.

  “Thanks.” She took the beer from him and quickly downed a mouthful before turning her head to look at him, a slight smirk on her face. “But, you know, legally I’m not supposed to be drinking this.”

  “You’re legal in our countries.” He shrugged. “Besides, you’re with an adult.” He threw her a wink and she laughed.

  “That’s debatable, Drake. Anyway, how’d you find me? I thought I’d managed to seek out the one quiet place left around here.”

  “Not in the mood to party, huh?”

  “I didn’t say that. I just wanted a few minutes to get my head together, that’s all. I’m not sure I’ve actually stopped to think clearly since this whole crazy journey started.”

  Lukas took a swig of his own beer and stared out ahead of him. They were sitting on the steps of the wardrobe trailer, a short distance away from the sound stage where the party was being held, but close enough for them to be able to still hear the noise and the laughter of both crew and cast congratulating each other on a job more than well done. “You did good.” He looked at her, straight at her, his expression serious. “You did really good.”

  “Did we do the right thing, Luk?”

  He shrugged, taking another swig of beer. “I guess we won’t know that until the movie opens. Until the reviews start coming in. Until people start talking about it.”

  “Do you regret it?”

  His eyes bored deep into hers, and she felt a familiar shiver almost physically shake her body. “I don’t regret a thing, Quinn.”

  She said nothing for a few seconds, she was just enjoying the way he was making her feel. They’d started this shoot like brother and sister, but that one afternoon, that one scene – what they’d done, it had changed everything. And she’d wanted change, she’d needed it, that’s why she’d come here, to L.A. But this – she hadn’t seen this coming. Because she hadn’t been looking for it; for anything like it.

  “No. Me neither,” she whispered, their eyes still locked together.

  Lukas broke the stare first, standing up and taking her hand, pulling her to her feet. “Come on.”

  “Where are we going?”

  He took a quick look around to make sure nobody could see them.“In here.” He nudged the trailer door open with his shoulder and pulled her inside, kicking the door shut behind them. “We’re gonna have our own private party. You up for that?”

  He pushed her back against the wall and she smiled, raising her arm
s up above her head as he pulled off her T-shirt. She was in too deep now, addicted to this man in front of her, this handsome young actor with the soft Irish accent, the cocky grin, and the bright blue eyes. And tonight, he was just heartbreaking to look at, Jesus, the girls were going to go crazy for this guy once this movie was out there. He was going to make hearts beat faster and then break those self-same hearts because, to all those girls who were going to worship him, he’d never be more than a fantasy; a dream that lived inside their heads. But to her he was a beautiful, dangerous reality in his scruffy jeans, battered army boots and AC/DC T-shirt, his short hair all messed up and disheveled. And she was addicted.

  She kept her eyes closed as he slowly stripped her naked, his fingers running languidly across her smooth skin, lingering over the curve of her hips, the small of her back; her hard, aching nipples.

  “Do you want me to come inside you?” he murmured, quoting a line from their movie, his mouth resting against her ear, his breath hot and heavy on her neck causing goose bumps to spread across every inch of her.

  “Yes,” she breathed, gasping quietly as his lips traveled down over her neck, resting on her shoulder, his fingers teasing the area close to her inner thighs. They were living out a scene from the movie – not that scene, but this movie had more than one scene that saw her and Lukas get close. Very close. And they were living one of them out for real, right here, right now, albeit in a different location, and Quinn shivered again as she realized just which scene it was.

  She took a deep breath, her eyes still closed as she waited for him to pick her up, her legs wrapping around him as he carried her over to the couch that faced a wall of mirrors. As he lay her down on the soft suede cushions Quinn threw back her head, sighing quietly as his lips touched the base of her throat, so lightly they were almost hovering above her skin, something that only heightened the experience. But she knew what was coming next, and she felt her stomach contract as his hands pushed her legs apart, his touch a little rougher now. A little more insistent.

  “Jesus, Quinn, you have no idea…”

  He didn’t finish the sentence, and Quinn didn’t care. All she cared about was this – what was happening here, what he was about to do, and even though she knew what was coming, it still didn’t stop the cry of pleasure from escaping when it happened, because this time it was just them. There was no one else watching, no clever camera angles, no cut-aways so all you could see were their faces. It was just them.

  “Am I hurting you?” he whispered, plunging his fingers deeper into her, and she instinctively pulled him in, holding him there, tensing her muscles around him. It was a natural reaction. A reflex action.

  “No.” The pain didn’t matter. She could handle pain. She deserved pain. “You’re not hurting me.”

  He continued to thrust his fingers in and out of her, slowly at first, then faster, slowing down again before picking the speed back up, his kisses as rough as his touch and it was the most beautiful feeling. Quinn had never experienced anything like it before. She’d never experienced a need or an ache for something or someone so bad that it kept her awake at night, because that’s what Lukas Drake did to her. From friends to fucking in the space of one afternoon, and she didn’t care how it had happened, she just kept praying to God that once this was all over, once this party was done and real life took over tomorrow – she prayed that Lukas Drake wouldn’t disappear from her world.

  Biting down on her lip to stop herself from crying out loud, she bucked her hips as his thumb stroked her to a climax she never wanted to end, one that started at the tips of her toes and traveled so slowly up her body it bordered on frustrating, but when it hit – she knew there was no drug on earth that could make her feel this high.

  Her eyes remained closed as he withdrew his fingers, leaning over to kiss her so gently she felt tears start to well up behind her eyes. Everything – every crazy, new and exciting emotion she’d experienced over the past three months, they were all merging together, rolling into one hot ball of messed up confusion and she craved it. All of it. Because for every second it was happening she was forgetting. She was forgetting.

  Feeling his fingers intertwine with hers Quinn breathed in deeply, her muscles tensing back up as she got ready to take him again, that ache once more giving her some kind of warped peace. And as he slowly pushed inside her, she felt that peace flood her body, washing over her in tiny, warm waves, his beautiful toxin spreading through her, taking over every inch until he had her completely. Her addiction was satisfied. For now. But she knew she’d need another fix. She’d need him, and she had no idea if he was going to be around to give her what she now craved.

  “You are so fucking beautiful,” he whispered, his blue eyes looking deep into hers, their bodies still one. “So fucking beautiful.”

  So was he. More beautiful than any man deserved to be.

  “And I need you, Quinn. I need you.”

  She felt like her world was suddenly starting over. Like the past had just been wiped away and her new future was right here. A new future she couldn’t possibly have predicted…

  Five

  Lukas Drake could command a red carpet like no other. It was what he did, what he was famous for. And the crowd loved it; they loved him. The comeback king. And with a new movie about to start shooting, a movie he was also directing, he had to start showing his face a little more now, start being seen around town again, and he had no complaints about that, even if this new movie was probably going to surpass anything he’d done in a long, long time, in terms of publicity. Gossip. Rumors…

  He allowed himself to be ushered along the red carpet, stopping to say hello to fans who’d waited outside in the blazing Californian sunshine for hours for the chance to glimpse a generous handful of film and TV stars, and to give one or two brief interviews to those media journalists who wanted all the information they could get on his upcoming new movie. The word was out now, so he had to get ready for all the questions that were going to be thrown his way; all the questions that were going to be thrown their way, because this wasn’t just his movie, it was hers, too. Now. He’d been told she’d accepted the role, even though that wasn’t being made public until tomorrow. But she was on board, it was official, that was all he’d needed to know. And he knew things were about to get crazy, he knew that. He just didn’t know if he was prepared for what it could actually mean. For all of them. That privacy he craved away from work sometimes, he could say goodbye to that now. Come tomorrow, that was gone. Was he ready for that? Were any of them?

  Stepping back from the incessant noise of the paparazzi cameras, he dug his hands into his pockets and watched as another car drew up outside the theatre. Part of him wished he hadn’t come here alone. He felt a little exposed, on his own, although, he was known for flying solo at these kind of events. Now. Because it hadn’t always been that way. But it was funny how circumstances changed. How things could be turned on their head in an instant. But as he continued to keep his eyes on the car that had just pulled up; as he realized who was about to get out of it, he was suddenly relieved he’d turned up alone.

  Swallowing hard, he felt his breath catch in his throat and he quickly composed himself, because he had to do that – he had to compose himself. He’d had a lifetime of doing it, but like he’d said, it was funny how circumstances changed. And it wasn’t like he hadn’t known she was going to be here, she was the star of the movie. So a part of him had been prepared for this. But he knew she wouldn’t be. She didn’t know he was going to be here, and neither had he, until yesterday. It was very much a last minute decision, his coming here. And it probably wasn’t the wisest decision, he probably should’ve stayed away, considering the pre-announcement rumors it could kick up if they were seen together tonight, but he’d had to do it. He’d had to come. Because he had to see her, before shooting began. It was just something he had to do.

  But as he watched her walk along the red carpet, he wasn’t sure he was prepared for this; wha
tever it might turn out to be. All he knew was he couldn’t take his eyes off her. Her stunning figure had been poured into a curve-hugging white sheath dress that sat just below her knees, her long legs accentuated by strappy, sky-high silver heels, her blonde hair hanging in loose waves down her back, and Lukas Drake felt his whole world start to crumble. Years of pain and regret and memories that hurt so bad he almost couldn’t take it, he felt them all surge forward until he had no choice but to turn away.

  But his need to see her again, to be this close to her again after all this time, it was too great. And he turned back around, his eyes once more falling on her as she made her way along the press line, smiling effortlessly at the photographers and journalists all waiting to grab that money-making shot, get that one quote that could – would – set tomorrow’s gossip columns alight. Because tomorrow the movie world was going to find out that Quinn Baxter and Lukas Drake were about to be reunited on-screen, after almost twenty years.

  He kept watching, and then he suddenly realized that Aaron Rogers wasn’t by her side, she was holding on to the hand of Harry Franks – her agent. Her best friend. Aaron wasn’t with her? Lukas certainly couldn’t see any sign of her husband. And that realization both scared him, and gave him a rush of hope he tried to batter down. They weren’t the kids they’d once been. Things weren’t that simple anymore. They weren’t the people they’d turned into. He didn’t really know who he was, not anymore. He only knew that, the day she’d walked out on him, he’d felt nothing, wanted nothing. He’d checked himself into rehab not knowing if it would work, all he’d wanted was to feel less pain, gain some sort of focus; see if there was any kind of future out there that was worth fighting for. And the day he’d left rehab, clean, sober and determined to do something with this new life he’d been given; the day he’d found out she and Aaron Rogers were together, that was the day Lukas Drake had changed. The day he’d seen that future; the day he’d vowed to start fighting again. And only now did he know what he was really fighting for.