Breathe Into Me

by Michelle Betham

  “It was such a mess, Aaron,” she whispered. “It was such a fucking mess, and I knew I had to stop it, I had to get out of there because I was drowning. I was drowning, I couldn’t breathe, and I needed something to… I needed something that wasn’t him. But I’d left it too late. I should have walked away sooner and maybe… I left it too late…”

  Aaron sat up beside her, gently resting his hand against her cheek, stroking her warm skin. “Do you still feel something for him, Quinn?”

  She slowly turned her head to face him, and her expression made his stomach sink and his heart shatter. “I don’t know,” she whispered. “You wanted some kind of truth, Aaron, and I’m giving you that. I’m giving you the only kind of truth I know right now, and that truth is, I don’t know. I don’t know what I feel for him, other than a load of repressed and messed up emotions, so, I don’t know.”

  Aaron felt as though someone had just punched him hard in the gut. Yeah, he’d wanted the truth, but he hadn’t wanted this.

  “But I know I love you, Aaron.”

  “Did you do it, Quinn? Did you and Lukas have sex, for real, in that movie?”

  “Yes. We did.”

  “Why did you lie to me?”

  “I don’t know. I don’t. I just… It was in the past, Aaron, and it didn’t matter. To us. It didn’t matter.”

  But it did, matter, and he closed his eyes and breathed in deep as the image of his wife and Lukas Drake together played over and over in his mind; it was burned into his brain now, a permanent reminder of something that shouldn’t have meant a thing. It was a movie scene. Pretend. Fantasy. Except, it wasn’t. It wasn’t pretend. It wasn’t fantasy. It was real. It had happened. And it changed everything…

  Fourteen Years Earlier

  “You gonna be OK tonight?” Harry asked, watching as Quinn finished off her outfit with platinum hoop earrings, her newly-cut, shoulder-length, white-blonde hair carefully messed up all rock-star chic and arranged perfectly around her beautifully made-up face. She was movie-star perfection. A true A-Lister. She’d taken to it all like a duck to water, and Hollywood loved her – a female action hero who also looked as sexy-as-hell. But she had a weakness even Harry couldn’t fix, and he’d tried, Jesus, he’d tried. But Lukas Drake had a hold over her that Harry could neither break nor understand. He was like a drug she needed in order to function, and Harry was almost angry at himself for helping feed her addiction. But what choice did he have? Besides, they were married now. They were Hollywood royalty, every aspect of their lives played out every day for all the world to see, except, the world wasn’t always getting the perfect, real-life love story it had gotten in the beginning. Because the honeymoon period was most definitely over now. And Quinn, she was still young. She still needed someone to watch out for her, and Harry had made that his job – to protect her from the crap he had a feeling was coming her way.

  “People are starting to talk, I know.” She turned around to face him. She looked nothing short of stunning in a simple, short black asymmetrical dress and high-heeled strappy sandals, and Harry knew without a shadow of a doubt that all eyes would be on her tonight. Because tonight was the premiere of her new movie, another sure-fire blockbuster that already had the critics talking and box office records waiting to be broken. “But just because I’m turning up at this premiere without Lukas, it doesn’t mean anything’s wrong with my marriage.”

  “So, everything’s fine, then, is it?”

  She threw Harry a look, but he could see beneath the surface. He knew things weren’t perfect in their seemingly fairytale world. Not anymore. Lukas Drake had let fame go to his head way more than Quinn had. Lukas Drake had developed a taste for partying and alcohol and staying out all night whereas Quinn was dealing with things in a far more adult fashion. But at the same time, she’d become almost detached from everything Lukas was doing – the photographs of him with other women, the rumors that had started circulating about the state of their marriage. It was like she was living in some kind of denial, when she really needed to face up to what was happening. Because the press, the media, the Hollywood gossip grapevine – they weren’t going to let it go.

  “Do you know where he is, Quinn?”

  She turned away from him, checking her reflection in the mirror, which was unnecessary. She looked beautiful. There was nothing more she could do to improve on that, and that in itself made Harry angry, that Lukas had this woman by his side – in his fucking bed – and yet he was choosing to treat her like crap.

  “He’s still on location.”

  “That shoot finished days ago, Quinn, and you know that. And so far you haven’t heard a thing from your husband.”

  “I’ll call him, later.”

  She refused to turn around, kept her back to him as they spoke, and that in itself told Harry a lot.

  “You haven’t been calling him already?”

  Still she kept her back to him, remained silent, she wasn’t going to argue with him about this, but he was right. She had been calling Lukas, but Lukas was failing to respond. And Harry knew that was breaking Quinn’s heart, she was just damn good at hiding those feelings she didn’t want him to see.

  “You ready for the questions tonight? Because the majority of them aren’t gonna be about this movie, you know that, don’t you?”

  She swung around to face him again. “There is nothing wrong with my marriage, Harry. OK? Look, we – we live our whole lives in a bloody fishbowl, and sometimes we just need some time apart.”

  “Are you really standing there, telling me that?”

  “Believe what you like, Harry. I know the truth.”

  Yeah. He had no doubt she did know the truth. It was the fact she was choosing to ignore it that bothered him.

  She turned back around to face the mirror, smoothing her dress down over her tanned thighs. “And I’m still not happy about turning up tonight with Miles. I mean, according to you, my marriage is in trouble, and if that was the case…” She once more turned around to face him, “which it isn’t. But if it was, then isn’t this just fodder for the press? Me, turning up with another man…”

  “And your husband God knows where? Yeah. Just another day in La-La Land, honey.”

  Miles Massey, another Hollywood big-hitter, Quinn’s co-star in this movie and now her companion for the night. And she hadn’t wanted to turn up to the premiere with Miles, but Harry had thought it a better idea than her walking the red carpet alone, without Lukas by her side. And sometimes letting Harry have his own way was less stressful than fighting it. Besides, turning up to a premiere with your co-star wasn’t really anything unusual. Quinn would just much rather have had Lukas by her side, that’s all. And a big part of her was angry at him for not being here. For not being the man she wanted him to be. The man she still loved, God help her.

  “It’s gonna put less pressure on you, Quinn. OK? Having Miles there will mean they might focus less on asking you questions about Lukas and actually talk about the movie.”

  Quinn walked over to him, kissing him quickly as she straightened his jacket collar. “All right. If this is the way we’re playing this then, let’s go get Miles.”

  “Quinn…”

  “Yeah?”

  “You and Lukas…”

  “We’re fine, Harry. Really. Look, he – he just needs to let off some steam, OK? You know what he’s like. His movie’s just wrapped and it was a tough shoot by all accounts, so… he probably just needs a bit of time out. To get his head together.”

  She was making excuses for him, again, and that broke Harry’s heart because it wasn’t the first time. It was becoming a habit. And there wasn’t a thing he could do or say that would make her listen to him. There wasn’t a thing he could do…

  ***

  Quinn liked Miles. He was funny and gracious; the perfect gentleman. But he wasn’t Lukas. He wasn’t anything like Lukas. Lukas was rough and wild and unpredictable, and she wished with all of her heart that he was here with her now, ready
to hold her hand as she walked the red carpet. She wished he was here. But he wasn’t. And the ache she felt for him right now was indescribable. They hadn’t seen each other in weeks. He’d been in Eastern Europe finishing his new movie, and she’d been in New York working on another new project set for release early next year. So, yeah, she ached for him. She missed him like crazy. And right now, the only thing on her mind was him – where he was, what he was doing; who he was with. Because Harry was right to think everything wasn’t perfect. She wasn’t in denial, like he obviously thought she was. She knew Lukas wasn’t being honest with her. She knew he was somewhere, without her, playing the hot young movie star like he was single, instead of her husband. He was making a fool of her, and she was letting him. Because she loved him. End of story. And she figured that, once he’d gotten whatever this was out of his system, he’d come back to her and see that the life they had together, it was good. He’d see that. She believed that. She had to. The alternative was something she didn’t even want to acknowledge.

  “You OK?” Miles asked as they pulled up outside Grauman’s Chinese Theatre. “Only, you seem a little distracted.”

  Harry threw Quinn a look that screamed ‘get it together’, and Quinn swallowed hard, giving Miles one of her best smiles. He was an incredibly handsome man, although, not her type in the slightest. But he had the most beautiful blue-gray eyes that seemed to show up even more against his lightly tanned skin. He just wasn’t Lukas. Nobody was Lukas. Nobody ever would be. “Just nerves, you know?” she let him take her hand and he gave it a quick squeeze.

  “She’ll be fine, won’t you, kiddo?” This time Harry threw her a smile that Quinn read as a thinly-veiled warning. Don’t give too much away. Keep her story straight. Steer the press away from anything to do with the rumored state of her marriage. And she could do that. She’d had enough practice these past few months.

  All of a sudden the car door swung open and the noise of the waiting crowd enveloped them. And that’s when Quinn flicked the switch and turned on movie-star mode. She was back to being the actress she’d become, both on and off screen.

  “Come on.” Miles smiled as he gave her hand another quick squeeze. “Time to turn it on, Ms. Baxter.”

  She returned his smile, holding his hand tight as they stepped out of the car. Yeah. She was an actress, and she was a damn good one. At a time when she really needed to be…

  ***

  “Hey, Lukas? What are you doing here? We thought you weren’t coming tonight, Quinn said you were still in Prague.”

  Lukas turned to see Dawn Jenner hovering by his side. “Yeah, well, I’m not, am I. I’m here.”

  “Thought you’d surprise her, huh?”

  Short, blonde and pretty in a fresh-faced kind of way, Dawn had a supporting role in Quinn’s new movie. And right now, she was doing little to hide her obvious crush on him. “Something like that, yeah.”

  “Don’t think she’s here yet, though. But she’s the star, right? ‘Course she’s gonna turn up last – grab all that attention…”

  Lukas knew Dawn was after some of that attention for herself. She wanted what Quinn had – the career, the life; her husband. But she wasn’t Quinn. She didn’t have that aura, that air of natural talent. Everything Quinn did was effortless. Dawn had ‘tries too hard’ written all over her. “Look, it’s been really nice talking to you, Dawn, but, you know. I’m going to go wait for Quinn.”

  He was distracted by the paparazzi cameras all going off at once, the crowd noise rising, which more than likely signaled the arrival of one of the stars of the movie.

  “Well, it certainly looks like she wasn’t expecting you, Lukas. In fact, it looks like your wife’s gone and got herself a red-hot replacement date for the evening in the shape of our handsome co-star.” Dawn twisted a blonde curl around her forefinger as she watched Quinn step out of the car, followed by Miles. “Miles Massey… What I wouldn’t give…”

  Lukas had stopped listening now, his focus solely on Quinn as Miles guided her along the red carpet, his hand resting on the small of her back; doing his job. He felt like someone was repeatedly stabbing him with a blunt, hot knife, a silent rage building up inside him that he knew he had to get in check. What was happening here? He hadn’t called her in days, hadn’t even given her a second thought – what was she supposed to do? His heart was pounding, his head spinning, his eyes never leaving Quinn. Miles was still right by her side, still touching her, and she wasn’t stopping him. Shit! He needed a drink, something, anything to try and help him calm down because what was happening here, it was overwhelming. Envy mixed with confusion and fear and a burning need to get Miles Massey away from her, stop him from touching her because that was his territory – he touched her. She was his, he was hers, no one else – no other man – was supposed to even enter into the picture. And he couldn’t even see the double standards. He’d just spent a weekend partying in Prague, celebrating the end of filming, surrounded by adoring women and expensive liquor and he hadn’t given Quinn so much as a passing thought. But he was here now. And he wanted his wife.

  He stepped back slightly, away from the crowds, shoving his hands in his pockets and he waited, until Miles Massey turned away to talk to a bunch of reporters lining the red carpet, leaving Quinn on her own. That was Lukas’s chance, and he was about to go over to her but a TV crew got to her first, so all he could do was stand there and wait until she’d done what she had to do out there. He had to wait, just a few minutes longer. The longest wait Lukas had ever endured. But, as she finally started to make her way inside, without Miles, who was still taking the kind of opportunity to court the press he never seemed to turn down, Lukas looked around for Harry Franks. Surely he had to be somewhere nearby. He very rarely let Quinn out of his sight. But Lukas couldn’t see him anywhere, so he grabbed his chance and quickly stepped out in front of Quinn, playing the surprise card to perfection. And of course it got the desired effect. The paparazzi went wild as he pulled his wife into his arms and kissed her, and she responded, her arms falling around his neck, her body pressed so close against his there was no way anything was going to get between them. The press pack were going crazy! He couldn’t have planned this any better. The adoring husband turning up to surprise his beautiful wife at her movie premiere, it was fucking Hollywood gold!

  “Not going it alone tonight, I see,” he murmured, his hand gently resting on her hip, and just touching her, for that brief second, it kicked up all those feelings for her he’d had no trouble forgetting over the past few days. But now he was here, she was back in his arms, he was kissing her. Those feelings were back. He was back. And he wanted his wife.

  “Not my idea,” she said quietly, fixing a smile on her face.

  “I need to see you alone, Quinn.”

  “We’ll talk later, Lukas…”

  They were interrupted by Harry’s arrival, a smile plastered on his face that told Lukas he was not a happy man. So fuck. Harry wasn’t Quinn’s father, despite the fact he acted like he was. He didn’t own her.

  “This is a nice surprise, Lukas,” Harry said, sliding a proprietary arm around Quinn’s waist. “We didn’t know you were gonna be here tonight.”

  “Thought I’d surprise my incredible wife, Harry. Because I’ve missed her. So fucking much.”

  Harry felt a wave of fear rise up as he watched Quinn – the look on her face as she smiled up at Lukas; the way her eyes shone brightly with surprised tears of happiness, but that happiness wouldn’t last. Maybe it’d hang around for a few days, a couple of weeks at most, until Lukas got bored again. And then the cycle would start over, and Harry would have to sit and watch as Quinn’s heart silently broke and she had to spend every day with a false smile on her face, publicly plastering over the cracks in her marriage while Lukas was out there, acting like a jerk as he pulled her apart, bit by bit. And Harry had no idea how much longer he could carry on letting that happen…

  ***

  Lukas pushed her back against the
wall, the door of their Hollywood Hills home barely shut behind them, his hand resting lightly against her collarbone, his dark eyes staring deep into hers.

  “Miles fucking Massey?”

  “You’re really going to stand there and lecture me on being seen out with another man, after what you’ve been doing…?”

  She closed her eyes as he kissed her, his grip on her shoulder tightening slightly. “Do you know what it feels like? Seeing another man hold your hand?”

  “Fuck you!” she hissed, her mouth still resting against his, and he sneered, and he kissed her again, and again she responded. The atmosphere was electric, the tension palpable, it was so fucking exciting, it was sick! “It wasn’t my idea,” she breathed. “I didn’t want it, didn’t ask for it, but Harry…”

  “Harry shouldn’t interfere so much.”

  She pressed a hand against his chest, stopping him from kissing her again. “I need Harry. Because you aren’t helping anything, Lukas. Harry keeps me sane. Harry helps me deal with the shit you’re throwing at me. Harry sorts things. Harry keeps our fucked up life and our twisted marriage in some kind of order. So I need Harry.”

  “We don’t need a third person in this relationship, Quinn.”

  She smiled, a slow, lazy smile, her fingers tracing their way back up his chest, his neck, until they reached his mouth. “Oh, come on now, Lukas. That’s not what you thought when I had a beautiful red-head between my thighs, licking me dry while you watched.” Just saying the words made her shiver as she remembered that night, just before he’d left for Prague. The night a stunning high-class escort had arrived at their Venice home, via Harry, and taken her to a heaven she’d never known could exist.