Breathe Into Me

by Michelle Betham

  “Come here, Quinn. Please.”

  “I can’t,” she whispered, shaking her head, because she knew what would happen if she did. If she went to him. “I can’t, Lukas.”

  “What was his name?”

  She swallowed hard and took another deep breath, her eyes never leaving his. “Didn’t Harry tell you?”

  Lukas shook his head. “No, he didn’t.”

  “I called him… I called him Noah – Noah James Drake.”

  “Oh, Jesus…”

  Quinn watched as Lukas sank to the floor, his head in his hands; she watched as he slowly broke down, and she ran to him. It was an almost instinctive reaction, because the pain she’d felt when Noah had been born, it was all flooding back now, engulfing her in a wave of emotion so strong it was almost suffocating. Because she’d wanted him to be there. She’d wanted him to hold her, to feel him there next to her as she’d given birth to their child. She’d wanted him there, and he hadn’t been. For so many messed up reasons.

  She pulled him into her arms and she held him tight, and he clung onto her as he cried tears he should’ve cried a long time ago, if they hadn’t made such a mess of their lives. She held him, and it was like all that time had never passed. It was like they’d never left each other, like their lives had never been torn apart, analyzed and scrutinized by everyone who thought they knew everything about them. They didn’t. They never would.

  “It’s OK,” she murmured as she gently brushed the tears from his cheek. “It’s OK, Luk.”

  “I was such a fucking idiot, Quinn.”

  “Nobody was to blame for what happened to Noah. It was just one of those cruel, unexplainable things. Even if you and I had stayed together…” She stopped talking, because she didn’t want to go there. She didn’t want to think of the ‘what ifs’, it still hurt too much.

  He took her hand, and while a part of her knew she should pull it away, she didn’t. She let his fingers wrap around hers because it felt nice. Comforting. And they needed this. He needed a chance to grieve. They needed a chance to grieve together.

  “I did this to you,” he whispered, squeezing her hand a little bit tighter. “I did this to us.”

  “It’s over, Lukas. The past, it happened, and there isn’t a thing we can do to change any of it. It happened…”

  They both looked up as the trailer door opened and Harry walked in. “What’s going on?”

  Quinn glared at her agent. “You’re seriously asking that question?”

  Lukas hauled himself to his feet, pulling Quinn up with him, his hand still holding on to hers.

  “You had no right to do this, Harry, to tell Lukas this without talking to me first, I am so fucking angry with you…”

  “Yeah, well, it didn’t look like you were gonna tell him anytime soon and I…”

  “You had no fucking right…”

  “Quinn…”

  “No, Luk, it wasn’t his place to tell you. And here? Now? You ever heard of timing, Harry?”

  “Can we have five minutes, Lukas?”

  “He stays, Harry.”

  Harry looked at Lukas. “They need you, out there. The director goes AWOL for too long and people start to panic.”

  “Harry…”

  “She’ll see you on-set. OK?”

  Lukas nodded, his eyes meeting Quinn’s. “I really am sorry, baby.”

  “Yeah. Yeah, so am I.”

  She watched Lukas leave, knowing all of what had just happened here, that was still unfinished. It hadn’t really helped anything, and she felt sick at the mess it could all still cause.

  She turned her attention back to Harry, and the anger inside her, it was building, merging with that unexpected onslaught of pain and a barrage of emotions she’d tried to keep battered down for all those years, until she felt her head start to spin.

  “You told him all of that, now? Here? Jesus, Harry, what the fuck were you thinking? Why the hell did you do that?”

  “It needed to be said, Quinn. Sooner, rather than later. And maybe my timing could’ve been better…”

  “Oh, you think?”

  He walked over to her, pulling a handkerchief from his jacket pocket and wiping the tears from her cheek. “I’m sorry. I just want the secrets to stop, Quinn.”

  He looked right into her eyes and she shook her head, because she knew what he wanted her to do now. “No… No, Harry, Aaron doesn’t need to know any of this.”

  “Doesn’t he? And you think Lukas is gonna be able to keep a lid on it, huh? That man is grieving ten years too late, Quinn, and I’m not sure…”

  “Because of you! Jesus!” She stepped back from him and pushed both hands back and forth through her hair. “I can’t believe this is happening… Why did you do that, Harry? Why did you tell him?”

  “He was asking questions, Quinn. He was pushing me, and you weren’t there…”

  “I was with my husband. On a fucking movie set. A movie set teeming with press and media and paparazzi hiding Christ knows where and… I can’t do this.”

  “Get it together, sweetheart, come on.”

  “You had no right to tell him any of that…”

  “He had – has a right to know.”

  “And I should’ve been the one to tell him. Not you.” She stared at a man she considered to be her best friend. The man who’d held her as she’d pushed Lukas’s son out. The man who’d cleaned up her mess and kept her sane. A man she loved like a father, because that’s what he’d been to her all these years. He’d been like the father she needed. And everything he did, she knew he only did it because he thought it was for the best, but this…

  “You need to tell Aaron, Quinn. He needs to know, now.”

  “I can’t, Harry. He doesn’t need to know, he doesn’t.”

  “He’s your husband, Quinn. And he loves you, kiddo. That man, he loves you. And I think it’s time you stopped keeping secrets from him. Don’t you?”

  She leaned back against the wall and closed her eyes, breathing in deeply as a crushing reality swamped her. “I need to get ready for this afternoon. Jodi’s going to need to do a quick touch-up job…”

  “Quinn…”

  She opened her eyes and looked at him. “I’m not telling him, Harry.”

  “Jesus…”

  “I’m not telling him, anything. And you – don’t you even think about telling him, you listening to me? You do not go there. We shoot this movie, we do our jobs, and then me and Aaron, we go back to how we were before. End of story.”

  “You’re making another mistake, Quinn.”

  “End of story, Harry.”

  But even she knew, as she said those words, that nothing was ever going to be the same again. And this story, it was nowhere near ending.

  Thirteen

  Aaron stood on the sidelines, watching his wife at work. She was a natural in front of the cameras, and even though this role was a slight departure from her usual action-girl characters, she was killing it out there playing a strong, feisty female with plenty of attitude and a smoldering sexuality that was both hot-as-hell and terrifying. She could do anything she set her mind to, and Aaron not only loved her, he admired her. He was so proud of his beautiful, talented wife.

  He briefly dropped his gaze, closing his eyes for a couple of beats, and when he looked back up Lukas had joined her on-set. And as both director and male lead, Aaron knew that Lukas would have to interact with Quinn – with everyone – quite closely, frequently; probably more than Aaron felt comfortable with, and why was that? Didn’t he trust Lukas? Didn’t he trust his wife? But as he watched them talking, watched Lukas guide her gently by the arm to where he needed her to be for the start of the scene, he had to close his eyes again for a second or two, breathing in deep. And when he opened them the cameras were rolling, and he watched as Lukas and Quinn’s characters flirted, circling each other like two caged animals and Aaron felt his chest tighten, because he’d read the script. He knew what was coming next, and he almost breathed a
sigh of relief as Lukas called cut, delaying the moment that little bit longer. And as Lukas checked something with one of his assistant directors, Aaron glanced over and caught Quinn’s eye, and she smiled, and he felt a wave of love so strong wash over him. Quinn Baxter. He’d never forgotten the day she’d walked into his life, and changed it forever…

  “Jesus, Rita, come on. We’re at work here, baby.”

  “Since when did that bother you? Aaron Rogers, Hollywood heart throb, pin-up boy to hoards of horny teenagers, and he’s all mine.”

  Aaron smiled and pulled his fiancée closer, kissing her quickly, tickling her waist until she laughed out loud, squirming free of his grip. Yeah. She was right. It didn’t bother him. Everyone was used to their public displays of affection now. It was just that, sometimes, he was struck by a random wave of professionalism.

  “So, I hear the estranged Mrs. Drake’s on-set today,” Rita said, pulling away from Aaron to check her make-up in the mirror.

  “I don’t think she ever took his name, Rita.”

  Aaron was almost certain that Quinn Baxter had always been Quinn Baxter, never Drake. She’d married Lukas Drake when she’d been just twenty-one years old, and now, nine years later, they were divorced, Lukas was in rehab fighting the very public demons that had destroyed his and Quinn’s relationship, and she was now, at the age of thirty, ready to face the world again with a starring role in this movie. Alongside Aaron. Her comeback movie. And Aaron couldn’t deny that he was a little nervous about working with her. She was a huge name, a formidable actress, and following her very public marriage and subsequent divorce from Lukas Drake, she was also hot property as far as the media were concerned. Women wanted to be her, men wanted to fuck her, Aaron included because, come on! He still remembered his seventeen year old self jerking off in the shower after watching her in Wicked Game. What guy his age – what guy any age – hadn’t, after watching that scene? Jesus, he could still remember her tits pushed out to heaven, her back arched, her legs open… Lukas Drake had been a first-rate prick to do what he’d done to her. He’d been an even bigger prick to let her go so easily, and Aaron wondered if he’d realize that, once he got himself clean and sober.

  “Hey, mister. Don’t tell me you’re fantasizing about Little-Miss-England, too?”

  Aaron snapped out of his daydream and grinned at Rita. “Now why would I do that, huh? When I’ve just gotten engaged to the most beautiful woman in America.”

  She leaned back against the counter and crossed her arms, throwing him a withering look. “You’re so full of shit, Aaron.”

  He winked at her, and she laughed, and he felt like the luckiest guy in the world right now. He had Rita by his side, and at work he got to sleep with Quinn Baxter, albeit pretend. Still, how many guys could say they got that close to their fantasy?

  “Aaron?”

  He swung around as one the runners stuck their head around the door. “They ready for me?”

  “Yeah. Ms. Baxter’s on-set now, so…”

  “On my way.” He went over to Rita and kissed her quickly. “Gotta go do some work, baby.”

  She reached around and squeezed his ass, giving him a sideways smile as he backed away. “Yeah. See you later, handsome. And, hey, don’t enjoy yourself too much, y’hear?”

  Aaron felt an unfamiliar wave of nerves hit him as he walked to the set, and part of him wished he’d had time to meet Quinn outside of work first, before they’d filmed any scenes together, because this one they were shooting today, it involved a level of intimacy. It involved them indulging in some pretty heavy making out, so, yeah, he was nervous. And the second he walked on-set his eyes immediately fell on her. They were never going to fall any place else. She was talking to the director, her blonde hair falling down her back in thick waves, her long legs tanned and toned in a short black dress, and Aaron felt those nerves increase ten-fold. She was playing his mistress, in this movie. The woman who was going to cause him to stray from a seemingly perfect relationship.

  He’d just had no idea, at the time, how much fiction was about to mirror reality…

  Quinn took the five minutes breathing time Lukas had called while some set adjustments were made to go see Aaron, who was watching from the sidelines. And she was glad he was there. Glad he was watching. She hadn’t been looking forward to this scene. Even less so, given what had happened just a little while ago. She hadn’t wanted her first interaction on-set with Lukas to be a kiss. As director, had he set that up deliberately? Or was she just being paranoid? And what was she supposed to do anyway? Go all Hollywood diva and demand they change the shooting schedule because she wasn’t professional enough to handle being intimate with her ex-husband on-screen? But even off-screen she was still acting. They both were. They were both still pretending, trying hard to hide their pain, their truth. Today was turning out to be exhausting, both physically and mentally. Which was why she was grateful Aaron was here.

  “Hey there, beautiful.” Aaron smiled and slid an arm around her waist, pulling her against him. “Do you know how unbelievably hot you look out there? Right now, you are giving me one hell of a hard-on, you have no idea…”

  Quinn pressed herself against him, kissing him slowly, her tongue sliding into his mouth, touching his, her fingers burying themselves in his hair as the kiss deepened. “Oh, I think I’ve got every idea.” She felt his cock hard against her stomach, and she ached to feel him back inside her. She felt safe, when he was inside her.

  Aaron laughed quietly, his hand resting lightly on the small of her back, and Quinn bit down on her lip as he leaned in to kiss her neck, his lips barely brushing her skin and she knew she had to stop this now. She had to go back on-set any second now and pretend she was hot for her ex when she’d much rather be riding her husband to within an inch of his beautiful life but, oh, God, he was taking her mind off everything, all the guilt and the pain. He was taking her mind off it all, even if it was just for a few minutes.

  Aaron Rogers. The man who really had saved her. And maybe Harry was right. Maybe she did need to tell him everything now, because she couldn’t lose this man. And keeping secrets, maybe that was a risk she just wasn’t willing to take anymore…

  “You bored yet?” Aaron leaned back against the wall beside her and offered her a cigarette.

  Quinn shook her head. She’d stopped smoking the second she’d found out she’d been pregnant. And before then she’d only smoked occasionally, because of Lukas, really. “What makes you think I’m bored?” She watched as Aaron lit up and dragged deep.

  He looked at her, the corner of his mouth edging up into a slight smirk. “You’re out here, for starters. And you’re not smoking, so, I can only assume you wanted a break from that incredibly mind-numbing get-together in there.”

  She smiled. He was right on one score. This party they’d come to, for one of the producers’ birthdays, it wasn’t exactly lifting the roof off the club, but sometimes showing your face at these things was good for publicity. And publicity was something she was, for a change, actively courting right now. If she stayed fiercely private, which was what she really wanted, then people could, and probably would assume she was still getting over Lukas. And she wasn’t. Not really. She was done with Lukas Drake. What she needed everyone to think now was that she was starting over, dusting herself off and moving forward. So, yeah, publicity was good right now. Bring it on. Let her be seen, she was fine with that. “I’m not bored.”

  “Yeah. You are.” He grinned at her, and she couldn’t help laughing.

  “OK. Maybe. Just a little.”

  He held out his beer and she took the bottle from him, swallowing down a good mouthful.

  “What about you?” she asked, handing him back the beer, and as she did so her fingers brushed against his, just the briefest and lightest of touches but it was enough to send a tiny shockwave surging through her.

  His eyes locked on hers, and then he smiled a slow, sexy-as-hell smile and Quinn felt her stomach contract. “I’
m bored outta my fucking skull.”

  He didn’t break the stare, and Quinn felt her stomach flip over again, but she was trying to ignore it. She and Aaron had become quite close friends over the past few weeks. He was a good guy, a lot of fun; he made her laugh. And he was nothing like Lukas, which was why she liked him so much. But they were friends, that’s all.

  “Rita’s a very lucky woman.”

  She hadn’t actually meant to say those words out loud, and she could have bitten her tongue off for letting herself become so distracted, but he didn’t even flinch. He continued to stare right into her, and she swallowed hard, knowing it was time to go back inside now. Staying out here, it wasn’t a good idea. But she was too slow, or maybe she was just glued to the spot and hadn’t realized, either way, she still had her back to the wall, but Aaron was in front of her now, so close she could feel her chest touching his. And they’d been this close before, on-screen; they’d been closer than this. They’d been virtually naked together, on-screen. But this was different. There were no cameras here. No one was watching. No one was telling them what to do, where to touch; how to kiss. And she was scared and excited, even though she knew it was wrong. He was engaged. He belonged to someone else, and so did she. In her heart she would always belong to Lukas Drake. She just couldn’t be with him, not anymore. He’d done too much damage, worn her down too far. Going back would destroy her.

  “Aaron…”

  He shook his head and reached out to gently touch her cheek, and before she could do anything to stop him his mouth was on hers; he was kissing her. And, yes, she’d kissed him before, for the cameras, but this – this was different. This felt different. This was wrong and beautiful and she needed this. Oh, God forgive her, she needed him.

  “Let’s get out of here,” he murmured, grabbing her hand, dragging her out onto the street and into the first cab he hailed.

  “Where are we going?”

  “Somewhere more private.”

  She wasn’t going to argue, even though a part of her knew that what she was doing to Rita, it was exactly what Lukas had done to her. And yet the guilt just wasn’t coming, not yet. Maybe it would, later, but right now she was just as eager to get him alone as he was to be with her. And they both knew how it was going to end.