Breathe Into Me

by Michelle Betham

  “Jesus, Aaron…” Quinn sat back, closing her eyes as she tried to take in this new mess that surrounded them. “Is he hurt?”

  “No, he isn’t fucking hurt!”

  Aaron’s tone was understandably harsh, seeing as she’d all but asked about her ex-husband’s welfare first, but that wasn’t how it was, how Quinn had meant it to sound. It was just that, Aaron was sitting right in front of her, she could see he wasn’t physically hurt. She couldn’t see Lukas.

  “Are you?”

  “No. I’m fine.” He threw his head back and sighed, his finger nails scraping the table top. “I’m just fine.”

  Harry ended the call he’d just made and looked at Aaron and Quinn. “All right. Carter’s on this one, too, so if anyone did manage to see the two of you, or, God forbid, get it all on camera, then he’ll try and limit the damage as best he can. But, y’know, come on, guys. This is day one of this freakin’ press tour. We’re gonna have to find a way to pull this back. Carter’s the best, but contrary to the rumors, he still isn’t able to work miracles.”

  Quinn caught Harry’s eyes, and he threw her a knowing look, but all she did was shake her head. Maybe now wasn’t the right time to suggest that staged vow renewal, but it was going to happen. This time. And not just because promotion for this movie was already veering dangerously off course, he didn’t give a shit about the movie in reality. It wasn’t his job to keep the promo wagon rolling. But it was his job to make sure Quinn was happy. And safe. He hadn’t lied when he’d told Lukas she was like a daughter to him, that was exactly what she was. And he wanted her to be happy, so it might look like he was forcing her into staging a vow renewal with her estranged husband as some kind of publicity stunt, God knows Harry was good at organizing those; the best. He just had a feeling that, if Quinn and Aaron were pushed together to do something they were both just too stubborn to realize they actually wanted themselves, they might finally forget all the crap that had happened, and start over. Get stronger. Together. This was for their good, not his, not the movie’s. He had a feeling this was one movie that was going to do pretty well box office-wise thanks to the real-life drama already surrounding it. And for a second he wondered if Lukas Drake had actually planned that. If the studio had planned that, knowing what they did about Lukas and Quinn’s history. The world they lived in sometimes put box office receipts and movie success above people. Why should this situation be any different?

  “I’m gonna go talk to Lukas. You two gonna be OK?”

  Quinn looked at Aaron. “We’re going to be fine.”

  “Good. I’ll see you in half an hour. First interview of the day, and don’t expect it to be an easy one.”

  ***

  Quinn watched Harry leave before she turned her attention back to Aaron, his head down as he absent-mindedly fiddled with the same napkin Quinn had been picking at earlier.

  “He told me. What happened last night. He told me the truth, Quinn.”

  Aaron raised his gaze and Quinn narrowed her eyes slightly. “The truth?”

  “You spent the night with him.”

  Quinn felt her stomach sink, her gut a mass of nerves and nausea. “I don’t know what to do anymore, Aaron.” And that was true. She didn’t. She didn’t know what to feel. She couldn’t read him. But he seemed to have an edge to him now that she’d never really seen before, and that unsettled her slightly.

  “So, what was it, huh? Did he get you drunk? I mean, he might be all clean and sober now, but…”

  “It wasn’t like that, Aaron.”

  He leaned forward, discarding the napkin as he clasped his hands together, his eyes looking right into hers. “So what was it like, Quinn?”

  “You really want to do this here?”

  He sat back, unclasping his hands, but his eyes remained locked on hers. And then he stood up, held out his hand and jerked his head back toward himself. “Come on. Let’s try and do something today that might actually stay private.”

  She got up and took his hand, the feel of his fingers curling around hers something she’d missed. She just hadn’t realized how much. And as they walked out of the restaurant she could feel all eyes on them, every head turning as they made their way to the elevator.

  “I never meant for any of this to happen, Aaron.”

  The elevator doors closed but still he kept hold of her hand. “I know.”

  He didn’t expand on that, she could see he wanted to wait until they were safely in his suite before this conversation continued so she stayed silent, her eyes down as the elevator continued upwards. And that silence between them remained, until they were finally behind closed doors. That’s when he let go of her hand.

  “Harry wants to go for that staged vow renewal. He wants to try again, with that.”

  Aaron looked at her, his hands now in his pockets, his expression still a touch hard. A little cold. She hadn’t really expected anything else. “Pretend it’s all OK, huh?”

  “He knows I don’t want to do it.”

  “You don’t want to marry me again?”

  She was confused now, was he being sarcastic? Trying to trick her? She didn’t know, she couldn’t tell.

  “I love you, Aaron, you know that…”

  “And I love you too, Quinn, you know I do but, Jesus, baby, you make it so fucking hard…” He raked a hand through his already messed up hair and turned his head away from her, dropping his gaze as he laughed a cold, quick laugh. “Yeah. I guess we had ten good years, huh?” He looked at her again, and all she felt now was sick. Frightened. She was terrified of losing this man, and yet, she’d done nothing to stop that from happening. She’d slept with Lukas, she’d been weak when she should’ve been stronger. “We got ten years behind us. Before we had to start fighting.”

  Now she was confused again. And as he came towards her she felt her stomach dip, the nerves all tangled and tight as his eyes once more burned into hers.

  “We never had to fight before, and that was because I didn’t think we’d ever have to. I didn’t think there would ever be a threat to what we had because we were so fucking strong, Quinn. It was you and me against the world. But he was always there, wasn’t he? Lukas Drake. He was always there.” He broke the stare, shaking his head as he stepped back from her. “I never should’ve done this movie. I should’ve walked away the second I knew he was involved…” His eyes were clouded with mild anger and frustration now as he looked back at her. “You should’ve walked away. You shouldn’t have even considered it.”

  He was right. They should have both walked away from this, because the damage that would’ve done would have been nothing compared to the damage making this movie had created. But there was no use in talking about what they should’ve done. They had to deal with the consequences making the wrong decision had caused.

  “I let him back in, Aaron, and for that I am so, so sorry. Sorry that I became that weak, that I betrayed you in such a public way. I’m sorry, and I know that doesn’t cut it anymore, but I don’t know what else to say or do or… I don’t know. I let him back in, and that was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made.”

  “Do you love him?”

  “Not the way I love you.”

  “But you do love him.”

  That wasn’t a question, because Quinn was all too aware that Aaron already knew the answer.

  “There’ll always be that connection between us, I can’t change that. Because of Noah. And I wish with every beat of my heart that things had been different…”

  “If they’d been different then I may never have met you, Quinn.”

  She looked at him. His expression was a little softer now, his eyes not so cold.

  “And I don’t mean that I wish Noah hadn’t existed, that wasn’t…”

  “I know what you meant, Aaron.”

  He walked over to the window and sat down on the ledge, throwing his head back as another heavy sigh wracked his body.

  “I don’t want to lose you, Quinn. I just need to know h
ow we deal with this. How we deal with him being around; the aftermath. Life after the return of Lukas fucking Drake because, right now, I don’t know, how to deal with it.”

  She leaned back against the wall and watched him for a second. His body language was almost defeatist, and that wasn’t the Aaron she knew. The Aaron she’d fallen in love with.

  “I haven’t always been this man, Quinn.”

  She frowned slightly as he looked at her, right at her.

  “This – this man people see as perfect and nice and… I haven’t always been him. I became him, to escape. To turn my life around and I vowed…” He trailed off, dropping his gaze again, and Quinn’s frown deepened. But she waited, to see if he was going to continue. “I’m not gonna lose you, Quinn.” His eyes were back on hers, and this time there was a determination in them that seemed to almost fire him up. “I’m not gonna do that. We’ve come too far to throw everything away, so I’m not gonna let that happen. And honesty – we need to be honest with each other, Quinn. And I…” He trailed off again, dropping his head, and Quinn felt her stomach twist over, that knot in her gut tightening once more. “I slept with Rita.”

  She backed up against the wall, a kick to her solar plexus so real and physical it almost knocked the breath out of her. Did she deserve to feel that? After what she’d done to him? Was she allowed that luxury? “When?”

  “It was – it happened years ago. When you were filming Hindsight, in London. Her first marriage had just broken up and she was feeling pretty low, she needed some company…”

  “So you obliged, huh?”

  “We got drunk, Quinn. I was missing you like fucking crazy, she was upset, we got drunk. It was a mistake.”

  She closed her eyes and breathed in deep. She could hardly stand here and act like the betrayed wife, could she? She was in no position to do that, and yet, he’d done this at a time when they’d been happy. Married only three years, they’d still been in a kind of honeymoon period back then. And he’d slept with another woman.

  “Is that why you suddenly flew over to England, to be with me? That spur-of-the-moment trip…” She opened her eyes and looked at him. “Did you come because you felt guilty?”

  “I came because I wanted to be with you. I’d missed you too much, and yes, I felt guilty, of course I did… It was a mistake, Quinn. And it never happened again, I promise you that.”

  She bowed her head, because she still felt as if she had no right to feel anything, no anger, nothing. After what she’d done, she almost deserved to have something like this thrown back at her.

  “So many things are a mess, Aaron. Including us. And I don’t want it to be like that, not anymore.”

  “No. Neither do I.”

  “All the lies…”

  “We end them here, Quinn. OK? It all ends here. If that’s what you want.”

  She kept her head down, but she gave a small nod, a movement just noticeable enough to let him know that the games, yeah, they had to stop now. Before this all got out of hand. Before they lost everything. And yes, she felt sick and angry and upset that Aaron had done what he had, with the woman he’d once been destined to marry – the woman Quinn had stolen him from, Jesus, their life had been a mess from the start, in reality. Could they really come back from that; get past this? From everything they’d done? Put it all back together and start again?

  He stood up and walked toward her, and Quinn felt another, almost unexplainable sensation kicking up inside of her now.

  “When we got married, I don’t think you really wanted the wedding we had, did you?”

  She looked at him, stared right into his eyes. Had he always known that? Or was he just guessing, piecing everything together, bit by bit.

  “I think you wanted that wedding, all that publicity… I think you wanted that to prove to him that you were moving on. That you didn’t need him anymore, didn’t want him, anymore. I didn’t know that at the time, I thought the whole Hollywood circus thing was your wedding of choice, and all I wanted was for you to have everything you wanted. Because I loved you so fucking much. And I still love you, Quinn. So we’ll do it again, OK? We’ll do this whole vow renewal thing, and we’ll do it Harry’s way, right there under the spotlight. It worked once. It’ll work again.”

  “Aaron, I…”

  “I know this isn’t the way you want it this time. I know that. But it needs to happen. He needs another message, one that comes from both of us. And then when all this crazy shit is done we are gonna go somewhere quiet and private and we are gonna renew those vows the way we both really want to do it. With nobody watching. We’re saving this, Quinn. Our marriage. We’re saving us. We messed up, we did things, stupid things; we made mistakes. But we can move past all the shit, and we can save us.”

  She didn’t know what to do, what to say. Was he really going to forgive her so easily? She wasn’t sure she deserved that. Could she forgive him? Yeah. She could. She loved this man. She loved him. It was as simple as that.

  “I need to let it go, Quinn. All of it. I need to let it go. And so do you.”

  “I know, I… Is this the only way, Aaron?”

  “It’s the only way right now. We face spending every day for the next few weeks fending off questions about you and Lukas and what happened between you two; questions about us and the state of our marriage, about how this movie has our on-screen relationship killed dead by another man. I don’t want that to happen off-screen, too. Do you?”

  She shook her head, crossing her arms against herself as he moved a little closer to her.

  “We renew our vows, and we let everyone watch. Because the event might be staged but what we feel, that’s real. That’s fucking real.”

  She tried to smile but she still felt as though she had no right to feel this way, to feel like smiling. They were still in the middle of one hell of a mess.

  “I promise you, baby, what happened with Rita… It never happened again.”

  She looked up into his eyes, and for a few beats she just searched his face, felt his hand take hers and squeeze it tight; she just wanted a few seconds of peace, some time to get her head together. “No more lies, Aaron. No more secrets.”

  She closed her eyes as he kissed her, felt his fingers tighten around hers and in that moment she knew. She knew what they had to do. Aaron Rogers had saved her, once. She needed him to save her again. And now – now he was going to.

  ***

  “He got you right on the chin, huh?” Harry threw the photograph down on the table. “Lucky you got the beard. Covers a multitude of sins.”

  Lukas looked down at the photograph Harry had just thrown at him. A photograph of him outside Quinn’s suite. A photograph he knew only too well was now doing the rounds.

  “I told you to leave her alone, Lukas.”

  “And you don’t get to tell me what to do.” Lukas leaned back against the table and bowed his head.

  “It’s over, Lukas. Whatever you and her…”

  “There was nothing going on, Harry. Things just got emotional, we were talking, she opened up to me…” He threw back his head and sighed. “We needed each other, one last time.”

  “So why wind Aaron up? If you knew it was over between you and Quinn?”

  Lukas stared at Harry, a slightly misbelieving smile on his face. “I’m sorry, you think he hit me because I wound him up? I hadn’t said a fucking word before he threw the first punch.”

  “Yeah, well, he was only reacting the way any husband would react if he came face-to-face with the man who’d slept with his wife. Again. Because, let’s not forget, this isn’t the first time this has happened. I’m actually amazed he didn’t hit you harder.”

  “Do you want a go?”

  “Don’t get smart, Lukas, I’m really not in the mood.”

  Lukas watched as Harry took a bottle of pills from his jacket pocket, tipped out a couple and swallowed them down.

  “Ulcer playing up, is it?”

  Harry threw him a look. “Any
idea why that might be happening?”

  Lukas didn’t miss the more than obvious sarcasm there, his mouth twisting up into a slight smirk.

  “It’s over, Lukas.”

  “I know.”

  “This mess, it can be fixed. Carter Conway’s on board, the studio have their people on it, too…”

  “Trying desperately to spin it all into something that can be used as publicity, huh?”

  “It’s your movie, Lukas. You shouldn’t see that as a bad thing.”

  Lukas bowed his head again, closing his eyes, just for a second. He needed a second.

  “Did you know how much of this movie would play out for real, Lukas? When you took it on?”

  Lukas raised his gaze, his eyes meeting Harry’s. “You think I knew this would happen?”

  Harry shrugged. “Maybe you actually wanted it to. Come on, you’ve lived in this world for a long time. Anything’s possible, and when it comes to courting that publicity, getting people into those theater’s, giving them a reason to see this movie, it can be no holds barred. The gloves come off. And you know that.”

  “I wanted to make a great movie, that’s all.”

  “And by all accounts you’ve done that. But at what cost, huh?”

  Twenty-Nine

  Two weeks into the press tour and living their lives in the glare of the public spotlight; having those questions and accusations thrown at them, day after day, was exhausting. It always started well, always began with reporters or presenters talking about the movie in general, before they carefully edged the conversation round to how the movie almost mirrored their real-lives. Then the interview would move on to their real lives; to the questions none of them really wanted to answer, but they had to. They’d been briefed on the best way to deal with everything, but it didn’t make it easier, if anything, it made it even harder, trying to remember what they were supposed to say rather than what they wanted to say. But they were out there to promote a movie. Their movie. And that’s what they had to try and steer it back to, every time, especially during those conveyor-belt style press junkets where reporters had little more than seven to ten minutes to get their questions answered before they were ushered out of the room, and another was ushered straight in. Those days were the ones that really wore them down; when the urge to just get up and walk out had been something they’d all felt, at some point.