RETRACE

by Ehrlich, Sigal

  I’m sorry for blaming them for my self-hatred. After more than four months since I’ve left home, I really talk to my parents. My dad joins the call and I begin an unstoppable word marathon when I tell them all about the last few months. About everything that matters. Before ending the call, they make me promise to call more often and offer to buy me a ticket to visit home for Christmas.

  For a moment, caught up in my own emotional bubble, I forget where I am. I tuck the phone back inside my pocket and go look for Reeves. I’m more than relieved to notice vitality has returned to Beth and Stanley’s cheeks when I stop to talk to them. They wait on a peeling, gray bench at the reception, holding hands and quietly talking. They both look up at me, though an air of relief colors their expressions, they still seem to carry mounds of concern. Stanley nods and Beth gives me a weary smile.

  “How is she doing?”

  “Better. Reeves is with her now,” Beth says.

  “Room 40,” Katie’s father adds.

  Wrapped up in my thoughts, I make my way through the long hall, planning to wait for Reeves near Katie’s room. There are so many things running through my mind. I feel sorry for Katie’s parents, I’m happy to have spoken to mine, I miss home. The thought of how Katie’s actions might affect Reeves leaves me troubled. I’m mad at Katie, for whatever reason she chose to do what she did, just as I’m mad at my own brother for the same reason. When one decides to give up, he takes the burden off himself, but when he does, he leaves his loved ones with the heaviest rock they’ll ever have to carry. One which will never, ever, leave them.

  As I finally shake my pensive state off, I realize I’ve passed the room I was looking for. I retrace my steps toward the right place and stop short, hearing Katie tell Reeves, “But I love you.” My breath is sucked out of me at once. I don’t stay to hear Reeves’ response, I just start walking away.

  I hurry my steps to get out of there as fast as I can. I don’t want to hear Reeves’ response, and I don’t want to hear the rest of their conversation either. I know how Reeves feels about me, tough he’s never literally uttered the words. Without the slightest of doubts, I know. By what he shared with me so far, by the way he looks at me and the way he touches me. I just know. But I also know that I can’t let myself get hurt again. I can’t let myself be involved in so much drama. It isn’t healthy for me, nor for my healing heart.

  A thought I try to push out keeps gnawing at the back of my mind, amplifying with every step that I take to get away, what if after all he does have feelings for her? Stronger than the ones he has for me? Maybe it’s better not to find out at all and hold on to what he offers me right now, him, on his own terms. With the latter I could live, the other option is too shattering to even consider. I should cease tearing my self apart. I should get out of here, everything about the place or what led us here is clouding my mind, bringing back fears and insecurities I shouldn’t be nursing.

  I stop by the Evans, hug them goodbye, and walk out of the hospital.

  Chapter 29

  Reeves

  “Augh,” I roar through gritted teeth, holding myself from punching a hole through the wall outside Katie’s room. I couldn’t be more infuriated. How could she do this to her parents? What a selfish, stupid, immature act to pull on bereaved parents who still mourn their first-born’s loss. How could she fucking do it to them, to me?

  There’s a burn of anger whirling in my gut as I prop my arms on the wall and drop my head between them. I need to calm down before facing Beth and Stanley, I promised Katie I wouldn’t tell them the truth. I guess the writing was on the wall all along, or maybe reflected from her eyes, the message I was too damn blind to read.

  Katie told me that she didn’t really try to take those God damn pills and it all kind of got out of control. Apparently her plan was to call me and tell me she took them. She thought it would finally push me to admit I have feeling for her. She even set an entire scene for me in her room, leaving several pill bottles spilled on her nightstand. What she didn’t expect was for her mother to find her crying, surrounded by a vision that could only insinuate one thing. From that point everything just went out of control. Katie was too ashamed and freaked-out to come clean. One thing led to another and she found herself having her stomach pumped in a hospital. This time, I was more than clear when I told her it would never happen between us, that I’m with Nia, and it’s not a temporary thing. She made me promise not to tell her parents what really happened and I agreed on one condition, that when they finally get home, she will.

  I take a deep breath and go look for Nia. I need to get out of here before I lose my mind.

  “Thank you for coming, darling.” Beth kisses my cheek. I hug her while scanning the room for Nia.

  “Let me know if you need anything,” Beth nods.

  “She’ll be okay,” I tell them both as Stanley pats my back. I warmly smile at Stanley, glad to notice a bud of a smile on his stress-lined face.

  “Have you seen Nia?” I ask as we part.

  “She left about five minutes ago…”

  “Left? Where?” Unintentionally, I snap.

  “Oh, I thought she told you she was leaving, I think she went home.” Beth trades a curious stare with her husband. I leave the Evans and hurry toward the sliding doors. Why would Nia leave without telling me? I jog a few good minutes till I spot her a couple of yards ahead.

  “Nia.” I grab her shoulder and turn her back to face me. My stomach twists fiercely to her tear stricken face. I stare at her in alarm.

  “What happened?”

  She shakes her head. “Is Katie okay?”

  “She is,” I grunt. “Are you okay?”

  She nods with a faint smile that doesn’t reach her worried eyes. I take her hand and pull her to a less crowded spot, next to a closed store. I brush the moistness under her eyes with my thumbs, framing her face with my hands.

  I lean down to kiss her lips. “Why were you crying?”

  “Reeves, I can’t do this.” Her voice comes out so weak I need to ask her to repeat what she said, hoping I’ve misheard her the first time.

  “It’s taking so much out of me, I can’t do this.”

  Fuck. With some fear that she might run away, I prop both my hands at each side of her shoulders on the glass window. “What do you mean, what happened?”

  “What happened with Katie brought everything back. I heard her tell you she loves you. I know you care for me, but the thought that maybe it’s not enough… It's the power of this thing between us, it just keeps growing stronger and stronger, I feel like I’m losing control. I can't lose you, I just can't.”

  “You will not lose me, I won’t let you,” I say, starting to panic. “There’s nothing I want more than you.”

  “It’s too much. I feel like I’m losing control over myself when it comes to you.”

  I take a deep breath and close my eyes. My heart is about to pound out of my chest.

  I don’t intend for my words to come as loud and harsh but they do, “You want to talk about control and loss? When you told me you loved me, it was the first time since Ben died that I didn’t regret taking the loaded gun out of my mouth.”

  Her eyes fill with tears again and her lips begin to tremble. “I want to lose control when it comes to you, with you. How many times do I need to tell you, I’m crazy about you. I’m not letting you go.” I grab her face in my hands and kiss her so forcefully my breath hitches. I lean back and kiss the trail her tears left. I hold her in my arms till my own heartbeat calms down. “I’m tired, it’s been a long day. Let’s just go home.”

  “I’m sorry,” she whispers.

  “Don’t be. Just stop doubting me,” I say, fatigue lining my words.

  ~~~

  It’s the sweetest sound. I relish in Nia’s soft, contented sigh when she leans her head back on my chest as we soak in a warm bathtub. I slide one hand to rest on her stomach, drawing small circles on her skin.

  I bring my other sodden hand from unde
r the water, letting drops drip from my fingers to her nipple. I watch the little drop trail down the pink peak, fascinated. She lets out another sigh, this time a tad breathier when my finger moves to hover over the pointed crest, lightly circling it. I dip my chin to press my lips to her smooth shoulder. She tilts her head up to reward me with an easy smile.

  “I can’t believe she did that.” Nia pivots her head back to stare out the window. I wait for her to go on, caressing her arm from shoulder to palm, raising bumps along the way. I end the trail by linking our fingers together underwater. “What a selfish thing to do. If she loves you as she claims she does, why would she do anything to hurt you?”

  “I don’t know, really. Katie doesn’t have a mean bone in her body,” I say, squeezing our intertwined fingers. “And I still don’t believe she feels that way about me. I think she is confused and going through a hard period. It was an obvious cry for attention. I hope you didn’t think for one moment that I might feel the same way about her.” I push out an irate exhale thinking about what Katie put Stanley and Beth through.

  When I’m about to tell Nia she has nothing to ever feel insecure about when it comes to us, she makes me snap my parted lips shut by saying, “I need the reassurance from you, I guess it’s a part of the shattered-heart syndrome.”

  I’m not sure why, but I find it so hard to tell her the words she wants me to say, maybe it’s the side effect of my own traumatic past.

  “I’m with you, in every possible way. More than you can imagine. We’re together,” I say.

  She stirs the water around us while turning to face me. I’m hyper aware of everything about her as she inclines her face to touch her lips to mine. Her body, soft, warm, soaked, and naked on mine. Her faint scent of honey and now soap. Her heart beating against mine.

  She rests her cheek on my chest. I envelope her in my arms, although she’d just simmered my blood for a completely different contact. We lie in leisured silence until Nia breaks the prolonged, quiet moment, “Aren’t Carmie and Jake together these days?”

  “Really? Why would you bring them up now?”

  “I don’t know, I was just thinking about Jake and Alex, it looked like he was about to give her a very personal birthday present.”

  “I’m pretty sure the “birthday present” was eventually given by both Carmie and Jake.”

  Nia’s head shoots up and I can’t help but snort a laugh at her wide eyes. She lightly flushes as she murmurs, “that’s kind of hot.”

  “Don’t even think it. I’m not sharing.”

  “Oh, God, I didn’t mean… Not us, God, no. Just the thought of them…”

  “Turns you on?” I say, raising an eyebrow.

  She bites her smile. “I can help with that…” I grin, pressing her by her perfect, perky ass against me.

  “Hold up,” she states, and starts inching up.

  “What are you doing?” I ask, not the greatest fan of her sudden withdrawal. And… she’s out of the tub.

  “Where the hell are you going?”

  “Hold that thought while you wait for me in bed, I’ll come back soon.” She winks.

  I shake my head with a smile.

  ~~~

  Holy. Sweet. Fucking. Hell. I think I just died and went to heaven. Because the vision in front of me is definitely out of this world. I can’t unglue my eyes from Nia. My pulse is throbbing over every inch of my skin, especially the very strained part.

  “Touch yourself,” she says with a bite of command and my breath hitches. I slowly stroke the bulge in my boxers.

  “Take them off for me.” There’s fire in her eyes.

  I push my pelvis slightly up to do as she orders. My spellbound eyes bore into Nia as she threads her thumbs through the sides of her soft pink boy-shorts, slightly pulling the fabric down. I swallow hard, watching my perfection of a girlfriend dance. She’s swaying sensually to the music in my bedroom in God damn high-heels and lacy underwear. For the last most precious minutes she’s been dancing, stripping for me, slowly, and with heated ardor, peeling her ruffled plaid skirt and white button-down blouse off.

  When I was lying on my bed waiting for Nia, I never expected I was in for the most erotic striptease I’ve ever experienced. I had to fight myself from pinning her to the wall and devour her the minute she entered my bedroom with a skimpy school girl uniform and those killer heels.

  “Christ, you’re hot,” I breathe, stroking up and down my shaft as I gaze at her turning her back to me.

  She unclasps her bra and throws it my way, looking at me over her shoulder. She turns to face me again. She runs her palms over her shimmering, mocha skin, passing over her long, delicate neck, taking her time as she caresses her plump breasts. I tighten my grip around myself as she unhurriedly shimmies down her panties.

  “You’re killing me here,” I croak, prompting Nia to send me a seductive smile. “Dance your ass over here, now.”

  Slowly, she swings her curves to the bed. She stands on all fours at the edge of the mattress and starts to slowly advance my way. Hand after hand, her curves undulating, her bare chest teasing in easy moves. I watch her, enthralled, my lips slightly parted.

  “Oh God,” I pant and drop my head back as her mouth closes around me.

  Chapter 30

  Nia

  For the first time in too long, everything around me seems to be donning a rosy hue. Stark reminders of pain still appear every now and then, and yes, I do, from time to time, feel low, but it’s a different kind of low. A low in which I feel safe enough to let myself experience those feelings, to deal with them.

  Something Reeves said the other day has somehow changed my perspective about myself. “When you told me you loved me it was the first time since Ben died that I didn’t regret taking the loaded gun out of my mouth.”

  In a way, this bond that has been steadily deepening between us has made Reeves hopeful for a chance of a brighter future, one that isn’t leaden with atonement. His admission was unconsciously a reflection of my own healing that has been gradually progressing since the day I met him. I’ve been going through a personal rehabilitation process of letting culpability morph into acceptance. My own purge, from guilt. And he brought me there, with his friendship, with his ease at making me genuinely content. He helped me discover my old self, the one I disconnected from the day I became consumed with repentance. As it seems, love is even potent enough to restore your belief in yourself.

  He made me look at the world with brighter colors. I feel whole again, as much as one can truly feel whole when a piece of your heart was taken away for good. I’ve come to accept losing Patrick, I’ve come to accept that it wasn’t my parents’ fault he moved to the open ward. I’ve come to accept it wasn’t my fault he did what he did. There isn’t a day that passes in which I don’t think of him and miss him immensely, but as I do, the weight of the loving is greater than the pain.

  “Hey, where did you go?” Reeves’ voice cracks through my thoughts.

  I turn back to him with a thin smile. I shake my head, communicating: all is okay. He keeps his stare on me till he’s reassured I’m fine and turns back to listen to Jake and Dan talk about an order they should make for the bar.

  Dan, a small towel thrown on his shoulder, notes down whatever Jake is saying. My gaze wanders around the space, it looks so different in daytime. The front doors are open and the bright sun illuminates the space. The daylight colors the room in a foggy shade that still looks somewhat smoky even with the light breeze funnelling through the wide-open front doors. The place looks muted, even the small stage and the huge Hendrix photo doesn’t look as cool in broad daylight.

  Reeves, who’s sitting on a stool next to me, is utterly engaged in a conversation with Jake, that seem to hold much more than Dan and I can decode. The name Hunter has been mentioned many times by both in less than a few minutes. I study Reeves’ profile, my eyes trailing over his strong jaw, and the hint of his deep green irises. Even with his casual jeans and long sleeved grey
undershirt, he makes my heart twitter. We’ve been practically inseparable for the last couple of weeks post-Katie mess, which shortly after, she apologized for to Reeves. She said she was sorry and agreed with him that it was a selfish, thoughtless thing to do. I force the memory away, I don’t want to think of drama when it comes to us, we truly have had enough of that.

  I slide a hand over Reeves back. “I’m going out for some fresh air.”

  He holds up a finger at Jake and pivots my way. “You want me to come with you?”

  I shake my head and leave a chaste kiss on the side of his mouth. “I’ll be back soon.”

  I run in my head the question my aunt asked me when I visited her earlier today, finally after the long months I’ve been basically living a few blocks from her. She asked when am I planning to visit home. I’ve been pushing the thought aside for the longest time, but I believe I’m ready to go home and face some things I finally should.

  I lightly cough at the smell of smoke reaching my throat before I notice Carmie leaning on the wall, tapping the ashes of a half burned cigarette off. Carmie, as ever, is a vision of badass beauty. Her endless, skinny legs are bare under a denim miniskirt. Her milky skin peeps between the skirt belt and a worn ACDC tour tee. Completing the look is her leather jacket, a feminine version of Jake’s “uniform.”

  “Hey.” She blows a white puff from the side of her lips.

  “Hi.”

  “Looking great, Nia.” She takes another drag.

  “Thanks. Coming in?”

  “Yeah, to say goodbye.” She whistles smoke out of her pouty lips, grazing the small bud on the wall before tossing it to a trashcan.

  “You’re leaving?”

  “Yeah. I always do.” She pops a mint in her mouth.

  “Why?”

  She raises an eyebrow.

  I shrug. “It seems like you two have it good together.”

  “We do.” A ghost of a smile hovers her lips, but they quickly bounce back to her perpetual hard look. “Sometimes the big ol’ L word is not enough to tie you down. Sometimes the urge to taste life and fulfil your dreams is greater than being with the one you love.” She twists her mouth. “In my book of rules, I always choose me. I would probably never hurt me.”