Letting Go (Vista Falls #3)

by Cheryl Douglas

  “I’m so glad you came,” she whispered, still hugging him. “I don’t think we could have done this without you.”

  Colt looked over her shoulder at Joe, who looked less than impressed to see him. Joe was two years younger than him; Kaley was four. Colt had never been as close with either of them as he would have liked because they’d shared an ugly secret they were all afraid to talk about.

  As teenagers, every time they saw each other at school, they’d looked the other way, as if they were afraid of being outed. As adults, they’d never had reason to come back home, so they were basically strangers. Kaley had tried to stay in touch with Colt, but he wasn’t great about returning calls. Emails he could handle because they were impersonal. He didn’t have to hear Kaley tell him that she loved him via email; he could read the words, which made them somehow easier to ignore. It wasn’t that he didn’t love his little sister. He did. She just gave him another reason to feel like a failure… as a brother and as a man.

  “Gabby,” Kaley said, stepping back. “Wow, it’s so great to see you. I didn’t know you two were back together.”

  “It’s a recent thing,” Gabby explained, smiling at Kaley then Joe, who looked away. “I’m so sorry about—”

  “Don’t be,” Joe said with a scowl. “It’s been a long time coming. Too long if you ask me.”

  “Where’s Mom?” Colt asked, reaching for Gabby’s hand.

  “She’s in there with him,” Kaley said, gesturing toward the closed door. “The doctor said we could take turns seeing him if we want. But so far neither one of us have been in. You can go in if you want to.”

  What would I say? I hate you? You ruined my life? You stole my childhood? You hurt me more than you’ll ever know? You’re getting what you deserve? I hope you burn in hell for what you did to us? He didn’t think any of that would make him feel any better. “I’m here for you guys. Not for him.”

  “First time for everything, I guess,” Joe muttered.

  Gabby squeezed Colt’s hand before she shot him a meaningful glance that included Joe. “I’m going to let you guys catch up while I hit the restroom and the cafeteria. Can I get anyone anything?”

  “Babe, you don’t have to go,” Colt said, wishing she wouldn’t. He needed her with him.

  “It’s okay.” She brushed a kiss across his cheek. “I’ll be right back. I want to check in with Sage anyhow. Their flight should be landing soon. I want to let her know what’s going on in case they’re trying to reach us.”

  Colt should have fired off an email to Wes to fill him in, but he didn’t want his best friend showing up at the hospital thinking there was anything he could do to make this easier. There wasn’t. There was nothing anyone could do. Colt watched Gabby walk away.

  When she was out of earshot, Joe said, “I can’t believe she took you back. I thought she was smarter than that.”

  “Joe,” Kaley warned, touching his arm. “Please. This isn’t the time or place—”

  “I might not get another chance,” Joe said, gesturing to Colt. “Knowing him, he’ll walk out of here and we’ll never see him again. He’ll leave us to deal with the old man’s burial just like he left us alone to deal with him when we were kids.”

  Ouch. Colt knew he had that coming, but it didn’t make it hurt any less. “Kaley, can I have a few minutes alone with Joe?” This conversation was long overdue, and while his sister was right about it being an inopportune time and place, he apparently had no choice.

  “Sure, I have to check in with my boyfriend anyhow,” she said, pulling her cell phone from her purse.

  “You have a boyfriend?” Colt was surprised she hadn’t mentioned him in her last email. She usually filled him in on every little detail of her life… even when he only responded with a two-liner about how busy he was.

  “Don’t pretend to care about her,” Joe said, stepping up behind Kaley. “You didn’t then, and you don’t now. If you think you’re going to impress your girlfriend by walking in here and taking charge like—”

  “Leave Gabby out of this,” Colt warned.

  “Why? We all know she’s the reason you’re here,” he said, stepping closer to Colt, Kaley still between them. “It sure as hell isn’t for us… or Mom.”

  “Please,” Kaley pleaded, turning to face Joe. “You promised you wouldn’t do this. He’s here. That’s the only thing that matters.”

  Joe clenched his fists at his sides as he glared at Colt. “Fine, I’ll keep my mouth shut. For you, Kaley.”

  Kaley kissed Joe’s cheek, and Colt found himself wondering about their relationship. They were clearly close, but did they see each other or talk regularly? Or had being left alone in that house with that monster made their bond seem unbreakable?

  Colt waited until Kaley was out of earshot before he gestured to one of the plastic chairs in the near-empty waiting area. “Gimme a minute?”

  Joe shrugged before walking toward the chairs. “Fine, I’ll listen. But it won’t make any difference.”

  Colt saw a lot of himself in his brother. A guy who was mad at the world, closed off, so afraid of being hurt that he wasn’t even willing to take a chance on letting someone in.

  “I’m sorry.” Colt knew it was too little, too late, but he had to apologize even if his brother would never accept it. “I’m sorry for the way I left, the fact that I never made any effort to keep in touch and make sure that you guys were okay.”

  Joe hung his head. “I get why you left. I did too, first chance I got. But what I don’t understand is why you left us too. We didn’t do anything to you.”

  Colt felt the familiar pang of guilt, the same one that had made him stay away so long. It was hard to face his mistakes, to admit how wrong he’d been. “No, you didn’t. But I guess you and Kaley were reminders of the life I was trying to leave behind. I know that’s not fair. You guys were the best part of the life I was leaving—”

  “Not the best part. Gabby was the best part.” He shook his head. “I used to see her around town after you left and wonder how the hell any guy in his right mind could leave her. Girls don’t get much hotter than her, man.”

  Joe had lost the hard edge to his voice, and Colt hoped his apology had softened his anger some. “No, they don’t. I couldn’t stick around back then, Joe. Not even for her. But I am back now, and I’m lucky that she’s still available… and willing to give me another chance.” Joe nodded, so Colt asked, “You think you might be willing to do the same? Give me another chance to be your brother?” When Joe didn’t respond, he added, “I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes, but I’m here now. Ready to man up. That’s all I can do, try to make things right and pray it’s not too late.”

  Joe smirked as he looked at his brother out of the corner of his eye. “You pray?”

  Colt shrugged, feeling self-conscious. “Don’t we all from time to time?”

  “I guess.”

  “So you’re a mechanical engineer now, huh?” At Joe’s questioning look, Colt explained, “Kaley told me in her emails. Congratulations. And you did it all on scholarships. You should be real proud of yourself, man.”

  “I’m not the only one who made it,” he muttered. “You did too. In a big way.”

  “I worked hard. Got lucky. Had Wes to keep me focused. It proved to be a good combination.”

  “How is Wes?”

  Wes had been there for Joe the way Colt wished he could have been when they were growing up. “He’s good. In fact, he and Sage just got married. They’re getting back from their honeymoon later today.”

  “Wow, everyone’s reconnecting with their high school girlfriends, huh? That’s just crazy to me. I want to leave that part of my life in the past.”

  “I hear ya.” When Joe didn’t seem eager to add to the conversation, Colt asked, “So no girlfriend for you then?”

  “Yeah, I’ve been seeing someone for a couple of years.”

  “Oh.” Colt wondered why Kaley had never mentioned that in her emails. “Is it serious?�
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  “She’d like it to be, but marriage isn’t my thing.”

  Colt would have said the same thing a couple of months ago, but being back with Gabby made him think that maybe, just maybe, marriage was his thing after all. He couldn’t imagine letting her go, so marriage seemed like the next logical step for them… eventually. “Maybe she’s just not the right girl for you then.”

  “How the hell do you know?” Joe snapped. “You don’t even know her!”

  Ah, so she was the right girl, but Joe was afraid to make the commitment because of the fiasco that had been their parents’ marriage.

  “Some marriages are good, you know. Wes’s parents had a good marriage. So do Gabby’s parents… I think.” She hadn’t said much about her parents lately, probably because he’d never asked about them. Her parents had always been a sore spot for them because they’d shared his father’s opinion that he wasn’t good enough for Gabby.

  “Oh yeah? If you’re so into marriage, why are you still single?”

  “Good question.” Colt smiled. “I guess if I couldn’t have Gabby, I didn’t want anyone.”

  “That’s why you came back here, for her?”

  “I came back because this is my home. For better or worse.” He hooked a thumb over his shoulder. “I want to get to know Mom, the person she is now. I want to be here for my best friend because this is his home now, the place he wants to run our business from because all the people he loves are here.”

  “Makes sense, I guess.”

  “And I’ve realized something since I’ve been back.”

  “Oh yeah? What’s that?”

  “Not all of my memories here are bad. Some are good. Really good.”

  “Yeah, I know what you mean.” Joe smiled. “Whenever I’m back in town, I drive by the old high school and drive-in. The gas station where I got my first summer job. The park where I lost it.” He chuckled. “I was about sixteen, I think. I was dying to tell someone when I got home, but…”

  “I was gone.”

  “Yeah, you were gone. You weren’t there when I graduated from high school. You weren’t there when I found out I was getting a full ride at my first-choice school. You weren’t there for any of it, man. I felt like I didn’t even have a brother anymore.”

  Colt wanted to put his arm around Joe but didn’t want to risk a scene. “I’ve lived with the guilt and shame ever since I left,” he admitted before swallowing repeatedly. “I was ashamed of myself for bailing on you, Kaley, Gabby… even Mom.”

  “She seems to be doing okay though, doesn’t she?” Joe asked, looking over his shoulder at the closed door. “It’s like she’s not even the same person anymore.”

  “Yeah, it’s amazing how much all of us have grown and changed since we got him out of our lives, huh?”

  “He’ll be gone soon.” Joe sat back, sighing. “And I don’t know how to feel about that. Part of me is relieved. But another part of me is sad too.”

  “Oh yeah?”

  “Yeah, it means the hope of ever having a real father dies with him.”

  “I guess it does.” Though from what Colt had heard, his father’s cognitive functioning had been diminished for years. That was why they’d put him in the home—so he could get the care he needed. “But you know what else dies with him, Joe? The shame of being his kid. The fear that he’ll embarrass us or make a mockery of our family name again. The need to apologize for his actions. The urge to protect our mother from him. It all dies with him.”

  Joe leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees as he covered his face with his hands. “I am ready to let it all go.”

  “Me too.” He put a tentative hand on his brother’s back, bracing for his reaction. “So you think maybe we could start over… as brothers?”

  Joe looked at him over his shoulder. His only response was a slight nod, but that was all Colt needed to give him hope. It was another step in the right direction. Piece by piece, he was putting his life back together. But first he had to deal with the end of his father’s life.

  ***

  Colt sat staring at the pale, frail figure in the hospital bed. He wouldn’t have recognized his father if not for the chart at the foot of the bed identifying him. Seeing him brought a whole rush of emotions back to the surface: rage, frustration, hurt. But instead of running from his feelings, Colt stayed with them, staring his father down instead of looking away.

  Colt Sr. slept most of the time. Even when he did wake briefly, he’d looked at his son with an impassive expression before he drifted off again.

  “So listen,” Colt said finally, when he couldn’t stand the incessant beeping of machines another second. “This is probably gonna be my last chance to say these things. I know it won’t matter much to you. You probably can’t even hear me. Even if you could, you wouldn’t understand.”

  Colt stared at his weathered face, looking for some reaction. Nothing.

  “But I guess that was always the problem, wasn’t it? You didn’t understand… what you were doing to us, how much you hurt us. Or maybe you didn’t care. You told me a hundred times that you never wanted to be a father. But then, you never were, were you?”

  The rage Colt had felt seeing him again gave way to the kind of sadness Joe had talked about earlier. Colt wasn’t sad his father was dying, but he was sad that he’d never had a dad who loved him.

  “You always said you’d make a man of me eventually. You said being a man meant taking your licks, never whining or complaining, never showing emotion. Just taking it. I got real good at taking it. But I got even better at dishing it out.” Colt could almost hear the satisfying crunch of bones breaking that time he’d broken two of his old man’s ribs.

  “It seemed you were almost proud of me the first time I fought back. So that’s what I did from then on—I fought back. It wasn’t about holding you off anymore, to prevent you from hurting me. It was about hurting you. I wanted to hurt you.”

  Colt sucked in a deep breath as he looked at his scarred hands. He could almost see the imprint of his father’s teeth on his knuckles from the time he’d knocked out his front tooth. “I wanted to hurt you the way you hurt me. I knew I could never make you bleed emotionally, but I sure as hell could make you bleed. And I did. I made you bleed.”

  He looked at the machines monitoring the vital signs, wondering how much longer he had to get it all off his chest before the monitors told him his time was up.

  “If I’d stayed, I would have killed you eventually. That’s why I left. I didn’t want to go to jail.” He fought back tears as he whispered, “And I didn’t want to be the one to kill you. I didn’t think you deserved to go on living after what you did to us, but I didn’t want to be the one to end your life.”

  He stood and curled his hands around the metal bed rail. “So it looks like the time has finally come for you to meet your Maker, old man.” He drew a shaky breath. “Good luck to you. I hope he can forgive you.”

  Chapter Fourteen

  After they pronounced his father dead, Colt drove Gabby home. She’d invited him to spend the night, but he said he needed some time alone to think. And drink. He couldn’t stand the thought of spending the night in a place that didn’t feel like home, so he drove to the inn, one of his favorite places to hang out when he was a teenager.

  The front desk clerk signed him in and handed over a room key, so he headed straight for the bar and ordered a double shot of vodka, hoping to feel the numbing effects as soon as possible.

  “Hey, handsome.”

  Colt drained his glass before tapping the bar for another. He barely spared the redhead a glance, but he knew it was the same girl who’d hit on him at Rusty’s when he first came back to town. “Hey.”

  “You feel like a little company tonight?”

  On a night like this, Colt would have loved nothing more than to get loaded and get lost in some sexy stranger, but now he had Gabby to think about. He wouldn’t do that to her. “I’ve got a girlfriend.”

&nb
sp; “I know. Gabby. I wasn’t suggesting we head to your room or anything. You just look like you might want to talk.”

  “How do you know I have a room?” he asked, shooting her a sidelong glance.

  She was spilling out of a short black dress, and her five-inch strappy sandals made her long legs look even longer. She gestured to the key. “I have one too. I’m here for a bachelorette party. The rest of the girls headed to their rooms already, probably passed out by now.” She pouted. “But I wasn’t ready to call it a night.” She curled her hand around his forearm, pressing her breasts against his shoulder. “Now I’m glad I didn’t.”

  “Look,” he said, trying to inch away from her, “I’m sure you’re a real nice girl…?”

  “Brenna, but my friends call me Bren.”

  “Right, Brenna. But, uh, like I said earlier, I’m really into Gabby, and I wouldn’t want to do anything to give her the impression I was messing around on her.” Colt looked around and noted that most of the people in the bar seemed more interested in the live entertainment than anything he may or may not have been doing with some beautiful stranger. Still, that didn’t give him a pass. He was emotionally beat up, but Gabby trusted him, and that meant he had to walk away.

  Brenna watched him finish his second double before she said, “You ever just need someone to talk to? Someone who doesn’t know you and won’t judge you?”

  “Sure, but—”

  “Maybe I just need a friend tonight, Colt. Think you can handle that?”

  He noticed tears forming in her green eyes. The last thing he wanted her to do was turn on the waterworks. Seeing his sister cry when the nurse announced their father was gone had been more than he could handle. Seeing another woman cry tonight would surely do him in. “Sure, as long as we’re clear about the ground rules. We can talk, but that’s it.”

  She blinked, extending her hand for him to shake. “Deal.”

  “Can I buy you a drink?”