by J. Saman
“Yes. Brilliant idea.” I sound like Tom. Definitely buzzed. “What do you have to eat that will make me fat?”
He laughs. “This is a bar. Practically everything is fried, but our burgers are actually really good.”
“Perfect, I’ll have one of those with cheese and fries.” He nods, turning to type this into a mounted tablet I didn’t see. “Oh and a water too, please. I need to hydrate.”
“Good idea,” he says, turning back after placing my order in his tablet/computer thing. “So, what has you drinking like a fish at four p.m. on a Tuesday?” he asks, pouring me my glass of water and placing it in front of me with a lemon. I eye the lemon questioningly for a second because I didn’t think bars were known for their garnishes. “Girls like lemon with water,” he shrugs.
He’s right.
I do.
“What else would drive a girl to drink? Men.” I wink, holding my martini up to him in salute before taking a sip.
“Really?” He laughs, folding his forearms across his narrow chest. “Breaking up with them, I hope?” I scrunch my nose at him in confusion. “You’re not the type of girl men break up with.” Oh. “I said, hope,” he continues with a grin, “because that would mean you’re available now.”
I put my glass down and look at him. I’m not sure why I’m doing this. I’m definitely not available, but I’ll blame it on the ETOH. He’s cute, maybe borderline hot. Sandy brown hair and dark brown eyes.
“You’re kinda babe-alicious—” he snorts, “—and in a normal world, I’d say yes, but I’m not single.” He’s not fazed. “My current boyfriend asked me to move to London with him for the year, and my ex-boyfriend—the one who broke my heart—has resurfaced.” I lift my glass, taking another sip of the smoky sweetness. “That’s why I’m drinking.”
He chuckles, leaning back against the far counter of the bar, tattooed forearms still crossed over his chest like he doesn’t have a care in the world. He probably doesn’t. “Well, if you get tired of the drama and want some fun instead, you know where to find me,” he says with a smug smile, showcasing a cute dimple in his right cheek. He really is hot.
I laugh shaking my head. “I promise; this will be the first place I come,” I say, and then I realize how that sounded. Feeling a slight blush creep up my cheeks, I take a hasty sip of my ice water hoping that didn’t come across as dirty.
Laughing, he pushes off the bar with his foot, walks over to me and leans in. “I’ll hold you to that.” He shoves himself back. “I’m going to go check on your burger, drunk girl.” Winking at me, he turns and walks towards what I assume is the kitchen.
Damn, maybe I’ve been looking for men in the wrong places.
13
“You are such a hussy. That bartender was totally hitting on you,” Amara says, sliding into the seat next to me. “And you were flirting back,” she accuses with a smirk.
“He’s all yours, Mar. Totally your type too.” I take another sip of my drink, barely tasting it. I should probably slow down until I get some food in my stomach, but I feel like I’m on a roll here.
“This has to be about more than Tom and London, Lar. You’re not an afternoon Village drinker.”
I turn to her, taking in her sweet face. She’s so pretty. Dark, almost-black hair, brown eyes, lashes so long they look fake. She could be good with Levi, I think and then immediately feel sick with that thought.
Not a good reaction to have.
At. All.
“Levi’s back,” I tell her, and she furrows her eyebrows in confusion.
“Did he leave? I thought you were meeting him for coffee this morning?”
I sigh, dropping my head to the arm that’s resting on the edge of the bar. “Amara, come on,” I groan, making her laugh. I pull my head out of my arm, feeling a little dizzy from the motion. “Levi is my ex-boyfriend.” Her eyes widen in surprise. “We met my senior year of high school and dated until the middle of our freshman year of college, when he suddenly left me without a word. There one minute, gone the next.” I put up one hand and then the next. Her mouth is now gaping open. I never knew it was possible to stun her so much. “I haven’t seen or heard from him in seven years until the other night when I had to stitch his fucking hand.”
“Here’s your burger,” cute hipster bartender says as he slides my plate in front of me with a charming smile and a wink. Evidently, he didn’t hear our conversation because he looks like he’s having fun undressing me with his eyes. Whatever. I pick up my burger, which actually looks pretty good, and take a large bite, chewing slowly.
God, that’s totally what I needed.
“I’ll have a dirty martini, please,” Amara says to him without taking her eyes off me. I pop a couple of fries in my mouth—which are also yummy—and wash them down with my water. The food seems to clear my mind a bit, so I continue at it, because I have no plans to stop drinking in the near future.
I don’t want to hit the vomiting blackout stage just yet.
“Go on, I’m waiting with bated fucking breath here.”
I pop another couple of fries into my mouth, chewing and swallowing before I continue. “So yeah, I haven’t seen him in exactly seven years. Then the fucker shows up, not only as my patient, but follows me around from outside our apartment like a creeper.” I toss her a pointed look as she chews on her lip, twirling her small bar napkin in her fingers. “Oh yeah, and he’s also a freaking medical student in our hospital,” I sigh, taking another sip of my water, followed by my martini. I think that’s probably a good system.
Water followed by alcohol.
“So this morning, I meet him after putting him off and he explains his shit to me. Why he left and what he’s been doing with himself all these years,” I pause as her drink is placed in front of her.
Amara throws him a wink. “I’ll have a burger too, please.”
“Sure. I’ll put the order in.” He winks back with a smirk, and I totally want to vomit everywhere. I hate boys.
“So, where the fuck was he?”
“I can’t tell you that. Don’t give me that look,” I say as she scowls. “I can’t. It’s a big deal that involves scary fucked up shit and I can’t tell you.”
“Fine, but do you forgive him? Are you ditching Tom for him? Does he want you to ditch Tom for him?”
“Hold up there, Diane Sawyer. Stop with the twenty questions. You’re making my buzzed mind spin.”
“Sorry, it’s just…fuck Lara, this is crazy shit you’re telling me.”
I nod as I eat more of my food.
“This guy who you dated and loved you,” she emphasizes, “disappears on you, never to be heard from again, but just to mess with you he does come back and you can’t tell me the reason because it involves ‘scary fucked up shit’.” She puts air quotes around my words. “Do I have this right?”
“Yup. Gold star to you.” I play with a fry in my ketchup, unable to meet her eyes for some reason. “I told Levi I was going to London with Tom,” I admit quietly.
“Are you?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. It just came out. I’m not sure if I said it to hurt him back a little, or if I just wanted him to know my situation or what.” I shift in my seat, bringing my leg up under my other and twisting to face her. “I stormed off today before Levi could finish telling me everything he needed to, so I’ve agreed to have dinner with him tomorrow night.” I bite my lip nervously because when I say it like this, it sounds like I’m cheating on Tom and that makes me feel beyond awful. “I need to tell Tom about this, right?” I ask, not exactly sure what I’m hoping her response will be.
“I need another drink and so does my girl here,” Amara calls out before downing the last of hers, head tilted back and all. Placing the now empty glass back on the bar, she slides it along the wood towards the edge. “In fact, keep ‘em coming.”
“Sure,” cute hipster bartender guy says, eyeing us both with amusement before retreating.
“Okay,” she turns to me, squa
ring her shoulders like she’s about lay it all down for me, “I can’t start with Tom. We’ll get there. How did you feel when you saw Levi for the first time, and how do you feel about him now that it’s had some time to sink in?”
I huff. “I was beyond fucking angry when I saw him again for the first time. I mean, just what the absolute fuck, right? I go seven years and then he waltzes into my ED with a hand lac that I have to suture? So yeah, I was pissed.” I take another sip of my water feeling a chill from the ice. “I didn’t talk to him. I’ve basically been running on anger with him until this morning. Now, I’m…” What am I? “I don’t know what I am with him. Sad, furious, confused, disgusted with myself...? All of the above?”
“Makes sense.” She nods her head as she takes a sip of her new drink. I finish the rest of mine, chewing on my cherry before I slide it away in favor of my new one. We’re quiet for a few minutes as her food arrives and I finish mine up.
I feel better after eating, sated somehow, but I’m still all questions and no answers.
“How do you feel about moving to London with Tom?” Amara asks, breaking our silence.
“I’m really torn on it. Part of me is all in, going after the adventure and the romance of it, but a big part of me is scared. Moving there with Tom feels like I’m saying yes to a forever with him. I know that’s what he wants, he told me so.” I run my finger along the stem on my martini glass. “I love Tom. I really do. He’s so amazing and just everything I could ever want…”
“But Levi is the reason you’ve been holding yourself back all of these years and now he’s in town throwing his hat back into the ring,” she deduces. I nod, unable to look away from the amber liquid half filling my glass. “Do you still love Levi?” Amara asks softly, like she’s afraid this question might push me over the edge. It just might.
“Do you have to keep asking the hard questions? Aren’t you supposed to tell me what to do?”
“I’m getting there, bitch. Don’t rush the process.” She waves her hand in the air in a circular motion indicating she’s waiting for my response.
“I don’t know,” I admit. “It’s been seven years and he broke my heart in so many pieces I didn’t think it would ever be whole again.” I look into her sympathetic eyes finally. “Tom sorta makes me feel whole.” She smiles at that. “I don’t think I could let myself have those feelings for Levi again. He left me once in the middle of the night after telling me he’d love me forever. He never even tried to find me or contact me, even when it was safe to.” This makes her furrow her eyebrows uneasily, but I don’t elaborate on that. “Now he’s graduating this spring, which means he’ll probably leave again.”
“You don’t trust him.”
“I don’t trust him,” I agree with a nod.
“Do you want to know what I think?”
“Yes. I’m dying here,” I exaggerate, throwing my arms up in the air.
She laughs at me, leaning in so our faces are closer. “I think seeing Levi again has shown you just what a good thing you have going with Tom. Is going to London for a year perfect? No, it’s not, but he’s offering you a chance at a future together. I don’t know what else Levi wants to talk to you about, but I do know that if you open yourself up to him again and he hurts you, that will be it. You’ll never open yourself up to anyone ever again.” I nod because she’s right and that’s my biggest fear. “Go to London with Tom who loves you. Sometimes it’s better to leave the past where it is.”
Wow, that’s so what I needed to hear. Why is it that when your best friend tells you something you already know, it just sounds different? More right? “Should I still meet Levi tomorrow and should I tell Tom about him?” I’m really pushing my luck with her advice right now, but I’ll see how far I can go.
I’m that desperate.
“Yes. You should. On both accounts.”
I nod, blowing out a huge breath, and feeling a weight lift off my chest as I do. Everything she just said to me feels like the right choice.
“Thanks.”
“Ha, you’re welcome. Now can we get to the important things?”
I laugh. “Sure.”
“I’m totally sleeping with Dr. Grayson from surgery. Again.” She looks at me nervously.
“Amara. No!” I gasp. Dr. Grayson is like, at least ten years older than us, and he was engaged last time he and Amara had a fling one drunken night.
“Don’t start with me, bitch. He’s not engaged anymore. His ex was screwing around on him with a dentist of all things.”
I laugh out loud throwing my head back and slapping the edge of the wooden bar for effect.
Wow, I’m that drunken girl in the bar right now.
“You total slut. When did this happen and why am I just hearing about it now?”
“This afternoon.”
I laugh out again slapping her arm. “Where?” I smile mockingly. “And you call me a whorebag? Don’t tell me you were screwing around at work?”
“We were on our lunch breaks,” she says defensively. “Jesus, you make it sound like I was getting busy with a patient in the room.”
“Wait,” I hold my hand up. “Did this just happen or did you plan to meet up?”
“We planned it, obviously.” She rolls her eyes like it’s a stupid question. “He lives like a block from the hospital.” She sighs. “I so need to make that a regular thing. That man had me screaming his name three times in forty minutes.”
“Impressive. Is this going to be a regular thing?” She shrugs and I suddenly get sad. “I’m going to miss your whoring ways if I go to London.” I lean my head on her shoulder, playing with the rim of my glass. “Who the hell will I talk to there? Who will I drink with?”
“I’ll come visit you.” I feel her take a deep breath and I know what’s she’s going to ask, so I head her off.
“I’m not selling the apartment, Amara,” I say and she blows out the breath she was holding. “You can find a roommate if you want or just live there alone. I have plenty in savings to cover my end of things so if you don’t want that, I’m fine. I don’t relish the idea of having someone sleeping in my bed and using my bathroom, but I understand if you don’t want to live alone either.”
“I have time to think about it, right? I mean, you’re not leaving until May.”
“Yeah. You can decide at any time.”
“You do know that if you move to London with Tom then you’re never living in our apartment again after that, right?”
“I don’t know how to respond to that statement so I won’t. Let’s pretend that things will go back to normal at the end of the half hour.”
“You’re so in denial, but whatever.”
“I love you.”
“Don’t go getting all drunk and sappy on me now.”
“I thought that’s how you like me, baby,” I tease. “Tell me more about Dr. Grayson and his wonder penis.”
She laughs, but humors me all the same and it feels normal. Being with Amara is normal, and sitting here in this bar in the middle of the village discussing boys feels bittersweet. Because this moment won’t last.
Our time together has officially clocked in.
14
Our cab pulls up in front of our building after I won the fight with Amara about not using an Uber. When I explained that I didn’t want to end our night being raped and hatcheted to death, she relented. Cute hipster bartender—whose name is Michael—was very helpful in calling us a cab.
Before we can even get out, I see Amara waving out the window to someone. When I look to see who she’s eye fucking, I notice Dr. Grayson leaning against the wall next to the front door of our building.
Super.
The last thing I want to hear tonight is Amara having wild sex down the hall, and since I know from experience that she does in fact scream men’s names out, I decide to remain in the cab and head over to Tom’s. When I enter his building, I see the night doorman is on duty, and for the first time, I realize that I have no idea w
hat time it is and that I haven’t even told Tom I was coming.
I’m a bad girlfriend.
“Ms. Gould. It’s so nice to see you this evening. Are you here to see Mr. Masters?” He always asks me this, as if I’m whoring myself all over Tom’s building.
“Yes I am,” I say, trying so hard not to stagger or slur my words.
“Very good, ma’am. You can go on ahead to the elevator and punch in his code. I’ll ring up and let him know you’re on your way,” he says this last part like he’s tattling on me to my parents for sneaking out. I nod at him and walk towards the elevator.
What a dickface. Tom has a much nicer word for him, but then again, he’s politer than I am. I have class tomorrow, but not until ten, so I’m hoping I can sleep off my drunk and not feel too awful in the morning. The elevator doors open not a moment too soon. The ascending motion was starting to make my stomach roll.
“Hey. This is a lovely treat,” Tom greets me at the elevator with a big hug. “Blimey, you smell like you’ve been pub hopping.”
“Sorry. Amara has company tonight and I’d rather see you instead of listening to her all night.”
He laughs, the sound reverberating into my neck. “Don’t be sorry. I’m thrilled you’re here, but you don’t normally drink during the week.”
I shrug at his subtle accusation.
“I hope I’m not the cause of your bender?” He’s joking, but I can see the question in his eyes.
“No, it was just a fun Tuesday out with Amara.”
“Well, you girls did it up proper. Come in, love, let’s get you undressed and ready for Bedfordshire.” He pulls away taking my hand to lead me into his apartment when I realize how he’s dressed. He’s wearing a t-shirt, track shorts and his hair’s a mess.
“Shit. I woke you, didn’t I?” I’m such a bitch. I know he gets up early for work and since I have no idea what time it is; I probably did wake him.
“I’d rather sleep next to you any night,” he says with a sweet smile as he leads me through his mostly dark apartment. “Do you want anything to drink? Some water or a sports beverage?”