by J. Saman
Damn he’s cute. Has a nice ass too.
“Um. No. Believe it or not, I drank a ton of water with my Manhattans. I’ll just use your bathroom and I’ll meet you in bed. You don’t have to wait up for me. I know you’ve got meetings early on Wednesday.”
He turns back to me with a wink that is so un-Tom-like, I giggle. “You’re worth missing a little sleep for. Are you on the pull by chance before you pass out, or is that taking advantage?”
I laugh. “On the what?”
“Interested in a shag with me?” He leans in to kiss me.
“I’m always interested in a shag. Couldn’t you say something like fancy a fuck?”
He chuckles. “You’re far crasser than I am, love.”
“True. Let me go brush my teeth first.” I kiss him quickly, leaving him standing next to his bed before I run into his palatial bathroom. I open the top drawer on my side—yes I have a side here—and brush all the nasty off my teeth. I pee, wash my face and strip down, suddenly feeling gross.
I need to tell him about Levi, but I can hardly have that conversation with him this late at night after I’ve already woken him up. Oh yeah, and I’m drunk. Not the best timing for that heart to heart. I shut off the light, walking back into his pitch black room, stubbing my toe on the side of his bed. I curse under my breath because that shit smarts. “Don’t laugh at me, Thomas. It’s rude,” I chastise, because he is laughing at me.
This only makes him laugh harder at me. “You’re right. My apologies.” He doesn’t sound sorry at all. Bastard. “Now get your fit little arse over here before I get tempted to swat it.”
Now it’s my turn to laugh. “Very American, Tom,” I say sarcastically, “and just a little tempting if I’m being honest.”
“Oh yeah? You like that?” he says as he wraps his arms around me. “Mmm, naked, just the way I like you.” He rolls me onto my back, kissing me the way he did the other night. Like he can’t get enough of me. I moan into his mouth. I’m really starting to like this Tom. Not that I didn’t like the old one, I did, but this new one, damn.
He’s pretty hot.
“Ms. Gould, you taste sinful. I think I need to see if every part of you tastes this delicious.” Holy crap. British dirty talk. He kisses his way down my body licking, kissing, and sucking as he goes.
“Ah,” I cry out as he sucks my nipple into his mouth, like he’s starving for it. I’m so glad I didn’t go home and listen to Amara and Dr. Grayson have sex all night. This is so much better. “You’re driving me crazy,” I moan out as his mouth explores everywhere other than where I really need it to go.
“What’s wrong, love?” he asks in a husky voice that makes me so wet. “Is this what you want?” His tongue reaches out to lick me, making my back arch off the bed and a loud groan escape my mouth. “Bloody perfect.” I’m moaning and writhing, and clawing at his pillows and sheets. I’m sure I’m loud as hell, but right now, I totally don’t care. He inserts two fingers and I’m a goner. I cry out his name, and when I’m done, I fall back into the cushion of his bed with a loud pleased sigh.
He crawls back up my body, much the same way he crawled down it until his mouth meets mine. “Wow, that was...” Words fail me. He chuckles into my mouth before sliding inside of me. We make love until we’re both exhausted and it’s way later than when I initially arrived.
Tom passes out quickly, but despite my lack of sleep last night and the barrel of whiskey I consumed tonight, I’m wide awake. Thinking. I keep replaying my conversation with Levi over and over in my head.
Somewhere in the wee hours of the night, I realize what an awful person I am.
I never once asked how Tanya was doing. Where she was or how she’s managed since Levi saved her. I don’t know how I feel about the fact that Levi probably killed his father. At least, that’s what I deduced from his words. I care. I mean, wow. How do you wrap your head around that one? But…well, I’m guessing he didn’t have a choice. And what was in that damn box that was worth stealing a little girl for and threatening my own life?
My life was threatened.
How crazy is that?
Does it matter if that’s the reason that he left me without saying goodbye or offering an explanation? I don’t know to be honest. I like to think that if he’d been up front with me I would have let him go without a fight.
But where would we be now?
Would we still be together? Would I have waited for him all this time? I don’t know the answer to that either.
I can’t really imagine never having met Tom. These last two years have been really great with him. He’s been patient and understanding through my commitment phobias and when I finally did commit to him, it’s only gotten better.
Tom loves me.
But apparently Levi does as well. He said he did, whether it was force of habit or just slipped out, he said it. Despite my shocked outrage, I felt the same old familiar flutter that I always used to get when he’d say those words to me.
What does that mean?
Nothing.
I can’t really think too long and hard on that one, because what Amara said to me earlier still reigns. I don’t trust him, and if I’m stupid enough to give him another try, he’ll break my heart and then I’ll be forever ruined. A spinster, to put it in British terms.
A crazy cat lady like the one from The Simpsons.
Tomorrow I’m going to tell Tom that I’m going with him to London. And about Levi. It will be one hell of a conversation, but it needs to happen. It’s not in my nature to hide stuff like this from the man I’m seriously starting to plan shit with.
Fuck, I can’t even think the word ‘future’.
Damn you, Levi. Damn him for making it hard for me to form any real attachment. Well, I’m not going to let him win. I love Tom and I’m going to plan a future with him.
There, I said it.
Go me.
I close my eyes and settle in next to Tom’s warm body, and allow myself to finally drift.
I wake long after Tom has left for work. I love having his place to myself, but it makes me wonder what he’s going to do with it while we’re gone. I doubt he’ll sell it. He’ll probably just leave it vacant. I shower and dress in the same clothes I wore yesterday, because I’m too damn stubborn to leave a change of clothes here.
I leave him a note telling him that I’ll be back tonight and that we need to talk about London and other things. I also tell him not to wait for dinner, even though he’ll probably get home shortly before I return. The strange thing is, I don’t feel nearly as bad as I expected to and I think my idea of taking a sip of water with every sip of alcohol was brilliant. My hypothesis that this tactic prevents a hangover will require further testing, but preliminary results are positive.
I’m such a geek.
Taking the subway all the way uptown to Columbia School of Nursing is not fun. I won’t be sad when I no longer have to take this train ride a few days a week, because it takes me over an hour to get up here. I have two classes, one at ten and one at twelve-thirty.
Normally I go home after class gets out at one-thirty and sleep until I have to work, but I’ve done the unthinkable. I let Amara talk me into giving away my shift so that I can go to Tom’s tonight instead of work. It wasn’t hard really. It only took two phone calls before someone picked it up. I didn’t even have to promise to take one of hers. She said she has an orthodontist bill for her kid’s braces that needs to be paid and is glad to get the extra shift.
So now I find myself with empty hours until I meet up with Levi. I make it home quickly after class. The train decided to be kind to me today and was not only running on time, but I had a seat the whole way home.
The Apartment is empty when I get home. Amara is working eleven to eleven, which is just a bitch of a shift if you ask me, but she likes it. I walk into my room, strip off my clothes and crash out on my bed, because two days of no sleep definitely catches up to you quickly.
15
Why
is my head pounding? I swear it feels like someone is bashing it against the door. Wait, is that the door? I sit up totally disoriented, again. Looking out my window, I see that it’s dark outside. My bedside lamp is still on and the alarm on my phone is quietly going off.
There’s the pounding again and I was right, it is coming from the door and not my head. I get up after shutting off my alarm and slide the peephole cover out of the way so I can see who has woken me out of my much needed slumber.
It’s Levi.
Shit, I did it again. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up in time to meet him.
I swing the door open as a rush of cold air flies over my body.
My mostly naked body.
I’m only wearing my bra and panties, if you can even call this scrap of fabric panties. Shit, my bra is lace too, see-through lace at that. Dammit. His eyes are wide before a large appreciative smile spreads slowly across his face. Asshole. Though, it’s totally my fault for not checking what I was wearing before opening the door.
I slam the door back in his face and run to my room as I hear his laughter on the other side. “You don’t have to change on my account. Please, feel free to wear what you’re already wearing,” he yells through the door, and I swear I can hear that damn smug smile. Asshole.
I dig through my drawers, pulling out a pair of jeans and a sweater. I don’t even look to see which one, I just throw it on and fly back to the door. Flinging it open with another rush, he’s leaning against my door frame still smiling.
“I liked your last outfit much better, but this one’s not bad, I guess.” His eyes are peering at my girls as he walks into my apartment like I just invited him in. I didn’t.
I look down and realize I’m wearing a skin-tight, black V-neck sweater, showing tons of cleavage.
Of course I am.
I swear, could this get any worse?
I could go and change because my girls look like they want to come out and say hello, but I just pull it up, run my fingers through my hair and close the door.
“I take it you fell asleep again.”
I nod as I walk over to the other end of the couch that he’s now occupying.
“I’m thrilled to see that you still sleep in next to nothing.”
I roll my eyes as I sit down, leaning my back against the arm of the sofa and bringing my knees up to my chest.
“I’m sorry I didn’t meet you. I haven’t slept well the last couple of nights and I didn’t wake to my alarm,” I tell him, not at all comfortable with him being here in my apartment. I look over at the cable box below the television and it informs me that it’s after six. “Are you hungry?” I ask, standing up because I need to eat something.
“Sure. Whatever you’re having would be great.”
I nod, walking around the counter and into the kitchen. I open my fridge and pull out some cheese, hummus, carrots and strawberries. I don’t think I can handle anything heavy, and the hummus is homemade by Amara. Her family is Lebanese and this hummus is the best thing ever.
I bring everything over, including water—definitely no wine—to the coffee table. After I put it down, I bend over and swipe a carrot through the hummus before popping it into my mouth. When I stand back up, Levi’s eyes are glued to my chest. Naturally, because I’m an idiot and bent over in this damn sweater. It’s like my IQ dropped twenty points with each Manhattan I drank last night.
I sit back on the couch, ignoring his admiring look as I crunch on my carrot and hummus. “So, you wanted to talk?” I remind him.
“Huh? Oh yeah, sorry.” He gives me a shit-eating grin and I roll my eyes. “You can’t open the door in your freaking sexy ass underwear and then come back wearing a shirt like that and not expect to me stare at your tits.”
“Whatever. Just go on and tell me what you needed to and then go.”
“There’s the sweet girl I remember from the first time we met.”
I groan. “Yes, I’m being a cuntrag again.”
He smiles, big. I reach over and grab a carrot for something to focus on because I hate his smile. That’s how much I love it. “You made a whole production out of having this conversation with me, and now you’re faltering.”
“I’m not faltering, you distracted me with your perfect tits and body. Not my fault. And in case you’re wondering, you look just as amazing now as you did back then, if not better.”
“I was not wondering and I’m done talking about this. Now, talk, Levi, before I kick your ass out.”
He scoots closer to me on the couch and I’m grateful that I’m sitting with my knees bent. They feel like a protective barrier between us. “Lara. I want to apologize to you.”
This catches me off guard.
“What do you mean?”
“I hurt you.” I look down at my knees, unable to meet his eyes suddenly. “I hurt you, and for my life to come nothing will ever feel that bad. Believe me when I tell you that making you unhappy was the last thing I wanted to do,”
I nod. The word unhappy makes me almost want to laugh. I was far beyond unhappy. I was downright devastated, but I suppose that’s just semantics now.
His words sound true, but I don’t know if they actually are.
I take that back. I don’t think he wanted to hurt me.
I just don’t think he gave it all that much thought before he left town. “Look at me, please.” I do. His hazel eyes are burning into mine. “I’m so sorry that I hurt you. I’m sorry for everything my leaving did to us.”
“Why didn’t you tell me anything before you left? Just, something. You left me without a fucking trace.” My words get caught in my throat. I know he gave me some bullshit reason yesterday, but it just doesn’t feel like a good enough reason to leave the woman you claimed to love without a word.
“I couldn’t.” He shakes his head. “He told me he’d kill you if I said anything and I couldn’t risk that. I was stupid, and nineteen, and scared. I made a mistake with that,” he pauses, eyes boring into mine. “I’ll regret it always.”
I shake my head at him. Apparently I’m at the angry stage of this again. “You don’t get the privilege of regret. You broke my fucking heart into a million pieces. You want to regret something, regret that.” I wipe angrily at my face. I’m so mad I’m crying.
Only Levi can make me cry.
He inches closer to me again, reaching his hand out like it’s painful for him not to touch me. “My heart broke too.” I want to laugh at that. I really freaking do. “Leaving you was impossible, but I had no choice. What would you have me do?” He buries his head in his hands, his whole body shaking. “Fuck, Lara, I wanted to marry you. Have babies with you. You were it for me, and we were only teenagers. That’s how much I fucking loved you.” He looks up at me finally.
I blow out a breath because this is just not productive. His reasons for leaving me like that are well documented by this point, and nothing he says will change the past or my thinking about his actions. “Fine. I understand why you left me. What I don’t understand is why you stayed away so long?” I shake my head, feeling horrible for being so selfish. “Don’t get me wrong, I by no means want to take away anything from Tanya. I really don’t. What she went through should never happen to anyone, and my heart bleeds for her. But, Levi,” I pause looking at him in disbelief because this is the part I just can’t grasp, “you were living in the same city as me for three years. You saw me. You sought me out and you expect me to believe that you were too much of a coward to talk to me?” I shake my head. “I’m calling bullshit, so I’d like the real reason.”
He smirks.
The bastard freaking smirks.
Now, I’m not a violent person. It’s the nurse in me. But right now, right this very minute, I’ve never wanted to hit someone as badly as I want to hit him.
“I wasn’t bullshitting you. Part of the reason I didn’t talk to you was that I didn’t really know how to approach you.”
“And the other part?” I prompt.
His s
mile grows. “I may have sought you out a bit more than I let on yesterday.”
“Okay,” I draw out the word.
“I followed you a lot actually, I just didn’t act on it because of my mother and Tanya.”
“What does that even mean?” I shake my head. Nothing is adding up right now.
He sighs, taking a drink of his water. “It means that when I moved to New York for medical school, I brought Tanya and Mom with me. I had Tanya in therapy, started her in school, and even got her tutors to catch her up.” He tilts his head widening his eyes. “She had never been to school, Lara. She could barely read or write, or do anything, and she was almost ten by the time I…got to her. She barely remembered me or my mother, and had been heavily brainwashed by our father.” He reaches out to me now and places his hand on my calf, running his thumb up and down. I would stop him, but I need to hear this. I need him to finish this thought, so I do nothing other than feel my heart start to beat faster. “It took a while for her to trust us, but eventually she did. When we moved to New York, she was doing well at first. I started her in a private school and she seemed to be adjusting okay. Then,” he pauses with the most brokenhearted expression I’ve ever seen on anyone, “our mother died.”
I gasp. “Oh my God, Levi. I’m so sorry. How?” I ask, covering my mouth with my hand. I feel so bad for him. I cannot believe everything he’s been through. Everything Tanya has been through.
It also makes me so sorrowful because I absolutely loved his mother.
He smiles a sad smile at me. “She died in April, three years ago, of cancer. She didn’t tell us she was sick until a week before she died. I think she felt that Tanya couldn’t handle her being sick so she hid it from us.”
“Christ.” I shake my head. What a brave freaking woman.
“My mother was right though, because Tanya didn’t handle it well. She had a breakdown, and tried to kill herself. A few times actually.” I feel the tears running down my cheeks, but I’m too stunned by all of this to do anything about them. “Don’t be so sad, Lara.” He’s making that pained look he used to get when I’d cry. Like he can’t handle my tears and will do anything to make them stop. “It’s okay. Tanya and I have gotten through. She’s doing much better now. Has friends, is liking school and seems to finally be in a good place.”