The Things We Cannot Change: A Zombie Apocalypse Love Story

by Kate L. Mary

  “What are you doing?”

  “Leaving.” He didn’t even look at me.

  A sob shook my body and I stumbled forward, hand outstretched as if trying to stop him. “You’re leaving me?”

  “Yes. No.” He shook his head but still didn’t look my way. “I don’t know. I need some air. Some time to think.”

  He grabbed his jacket and pulled it on and I didn’t move. Not when he zipped it up and not when he put on his gloves, and not even when he opened the door and stepped outside.

  It slammed shut behind him and I found myself alone in the silent house. Right away my mind went to what I would do if he decided to leave me. If I were alone. The wine called out to me and I hugged myself as sobs shook my body. This thing had a hold over me, one I knew I’d never break completely, but one I knew I had to resist. If I gave in right now there was no going back. Trevor would never believe that I hadn’t planned on drinking the wine.

  I stayed that way for no more than ten minutes before the panic began to set in. The house was quiet other than my crying, and I thought about the day Trevor hadn’t come home and how much it had scared me, and not just because I hadn’t wanted to be alone, but because I hadn’t wanted anything to happen to him. And he was out there again, in the cold and angry, not thinking clearly. What if he ran into trouble? What if he got lost again? I had to stop him. I had to make him listen. I had to apologize and make him understand that I didn’t want the wine. I only wanted him.

  Chapter 13

  I ran out into the cold day, my jacket still unzipped and no gloves on my hands. The snow was still deep in places but beginning to melt thanks to the warmer weather, making it dense and hard to move through.

  My boots crunched in the wet snow and even though the day was warmer than it should have been this time of year, the air still had a frosty bite to it. The sun was bright though, reflecting off the ground and nearly blinding me. I lifted my hand to shield my eyes, searching for Trevor’s tracks, but there were so many after weeks of us traipsing in and out of the house that it was impossible to tell which ones were fresh. I chose a trail that moved around the house and toward the lake and followed it. Just last night he’d mentioned that he wanted to see if the warm weather had thawed it out at all, and I was hoping he’d decided to check the ice

  I moved faster as I turned the corner and even the sight of the empty yard separating me from the lake couldn’t make me slow down. He had to be this way. I just knew it.

  I was halfway to the lake when the sound of a snowmobile made me freeze. I turned toward it before I was able to register that our single remaining snowmobile had been in the garage when I came outside. Not that I could have done anything about the three vehicles pulling to a stop in front of the house even if I had thought about it.

  The man on the snowmobile closest to me pulled his goggles off and he climbed off. He waved and grinned, and even from across the yard the expression on his face made me uneasy.

  “Hello there!” he called out.

  Behind him the other men waved as they followed his lead, climbing from their own snowmobiles. I scanned the group and it only took one look to realize that these were the men Trevor had run into last time he was out. They had our snowmobile. I would recognize the royal blue paint anywhere.

  I didn’t move, but instead scanned the area, hoping to see Trevor. My gun was under my jacket, and even though it wasn’t zipped up, there was no way I’d be able to go for it without alerting these men to my intentions. I was no gunslinger.

  “You alone out here?” the man called when I said nothing.

  I swallowed and forced my voice to remain even. “Yes.”

  It sounded like a lie even in my own ears.

  The men exchanged looks but their smiles didn’t waiver. A second later they were heading my way, crossing the snowy ground separating us.

  “I don’t think you are,” the man in the lead said. “I think you have a fella staying with you. Trevor, is it?”

  I took one tiny step back, hoping they wouldn’t notice. “No.” Tentatively, I crossed my arms over my chest as if trying to hug myself to keep warm. When I did it, I was able to slip my hand a little closer to my gun. “It’s just me.”

  “See now—” The men were ten feet from me now. “—that’s a little hard to believe you when you won’t stop looking around.”

  “I’m just looking to see if you have anyone else with you. That’s all.” I moved my hand lower.

  The man at the front of the pack smiled. “Just us. But don’t worry, we like to share.”

  He lunged and I ripped out my gun. My hands were shaking when I pulled the trigger though, and I missed him by a mile. That didn’t stop him from hitting the ground. Behind him another one of the men went down, dropping to avoid a bullet, but the third one cried out when the shot I’d intended for his friend hit him in the chest.

  I spun on my heel and took off running.

  A shot rang out behind me after only two steps, and someone shouted, “Don’t shoot her! I want her alive!”

  My feet thudded against the ground as my heart pounded in my ears. I didn’t look back but instead kept my eyes straight ahead, running as fast as the snowy ground would let me. It was still so deep in places that it seemed to suck me in, and with each step I had to work twice as hard to pull my leg forward. It was like running through water though, and before I’d even made it halfway I felt winded and out of breath. But I could hear at least one man behind me. Running. Breathing. The sound made me push myself, forced me to work harder even though I felt as if I was about to collapse.

  I expected the surface of the pond to be slick, but when I stumbled out onto it I found that the snow gave me traction. It made my trek easier. Allowed me to move faster. I picked up the pace.

  “Stop!” one of the men called out from behind me.

  I ventured a look over my shoulder just as the first one followed me onto the ice. Behind him the man I had shot was still down while the third man had stopped at the edge of the lake. For the first time I found myself wondering if running out on the frozen water was a good idea, but by then it was too late. The crack came only a second before I felt the ice give way beneath me, and then I was plunged into the icy depths of the lake.

  The cold sank into my bones within a second of being engulfed, forcing a cry out of me that was swallowed up by the icy water. As if someone from below had wrapped their hand around my ankle, I could feel myself being pulled down. I kicked my legs, trying to force my body up, but my coat fought against me. My arms reached out, desperate to find open air only to slam into a wall that I knew was the icy surface of the pond. I felt around, hoping to find the opening, desperate for oxygen and warmth and freedom, but there was nothing. Only ice.

  In desperation, I opened my eyes, but the icy water stung and I had to close them again in seconds. My lungs ached and shivers shook my body while my clothes grew heavier by the second. I kicked and clawed and screamed, but I couldn’t find the opening. Couldn’t find anything but icy pain.

  “Jade.” Trevor’s voice shook as hard as my body did. “Hold on. I’m going to get you warm.”

  I couldn’t focus, couldn’t do anything but shiver. My body wouldn’t obey me and my teeth chattered together so hard the sound echoed through my head. I was frozen, from the tips of my toes all the way to my skull where my brain refused to work. Refused to focus on anything that was happening, refused to tell me where I was or what had happened.

  “Hold on,” Trevor said again.

  His face was close to mine and slowly I began to register his breath as it brushed across my cheeks. I closed my eyes and did what always helped when the need to drink threatened to take over. I forced my mind to listen to the pounding of his heart. Forced my body to focus on the warmth that had slowly started to sink into me.

  As time went by, heat slowly began to work its way through my body and I registered Trevor’s hands moving up and down my arms. Then my shivers began to subside and my
breathing became less panicked, more relaxed. Feeling returned to my toes and fingers. My nose was no longer numb.

  “You’re okay,” Trevor whispered in my ear, and the words wrapped around me. “You’re going to be okay.”

  “I’m okay,” I responded almost sleepily, unsure of how it happened, but knowing that it was true because he was here at my side, holding me. Forgiving me for my weakness.

  It was dark when I woke, the only light the flickering flames of the fire as they danced across the room. I was immediately aware of Trevor’s bare flesh pressed against mine, and I turned to find him sleeping soundly at my side, his arm draped across my stomach and his face serene.

  My memories from the night before were spotty. I recalled being in the water, feeling panicked, and then Trevor running toward the house with me in his arms. But I didn’t remember being pulled free, or what had happened after he’d gotten me inside, although I could guess based on our current situation. There were blankets piled on top of us and I was stark naked, while at my side Trevor was wearing next to nothing as well. He must have gotten me back here and stripped me of my wet clothes just as I had done for him only a couple weeks ago. Then he’d built up the fire and crawled under the blankets with me in hopes of warming me up. It had worked like a charm.

  I shifted and Trevor jerked awake. He sat up so fast that it pulled the blankets covering me back, exposing my bare breasts to him. His eyes were groggy but concerned when the looked me over, and the shiver that shook my body seemed to jolt him back to reality.

  “Jade,” he gasped, and then yanked the blanket up so it was covering me again. “You’re awake.” His hand moved to my forehead and he let out a sigh of relief.

  “I’m okay,” I whispered. “You saved me.”

  Trevor nodded, his eyes holding mine.

  “What happened?” I said when he didn’t utter a word.

  “I heard gunshots.” He paused long enough to swallow, and then continued. “I wasn’t far away, thankfully, and I took off running. There was a man down. I guess you shot him?” I nodded when he paused. “Another man was standing at the edge of the pond and I was able to sneak up on him. I stabbed him. Killed him.” He swallowed again. “The third man was on the ice. I got there just in time to see you fall through. I shot him and went after you.”

  His hand moved like he was going to reach out for me, but he paused halfway and I felt the loss of his touch more profoundly than anything ever before. To me it felt like proof that I’d damaged things between us permanently when I decided to keep that wine, and I hated myself for it. Hated that I was so damaged that I’d managed to mess up the only good thing in my life.

  “Was that all of them?” I asked.

  “It was.” Trevor looked down and I could tell that even though he was relieved that I had survived, the guilt over killing two men was weighing on him.

  I understood. Trevor didn’t have to tell me that the man I’d shot was dead, because I had seen with my own eyes where the bullet had hit him, and even if someone had been around to get him to a working hospital, it would have been a long shot.

  I reached out for him, holding my breath in hopes that he wouldn’t turn away. When my hand closed over his, Trevor lifted his gaze to once again meet mine, and in his eyes I saw the same fear I’d felt the day he hadn’t come home, the fear that had driven me to keep the wine.

  “You saved me,” I said, wanting to remind him that we were okay. That I was okay.

  “I pulled you out and carried you inside. You were so cold. Your lips were blue.” Trevor swallowed yet again and tears shimmered in his eyes. “I didn’t know if you’d make it. I was terrified.”

  “You saved me,” I said for the third time.

  This time I sat up, allowing the blankets to fall away and not caring in the least how chilly the air was because all I wanted was to be close to Trevor. To feel his bare skin against mine.

  “When I saw you fall in the water, I thought you were dead,” he said, reaching for me, his hands grabbing my waist and pulling me against him. “And I wanted to die too. I understood then. Why you saved the wine.”

  “I shouldn’t have.” I pressed my face against his neck, memorizing the feel of his bare chest against mine. His skin was warm and his muscles firm, and being wrapped in his arms was so achingly satisfying that I wondered how I’d resisted for as long as I had. “I should have told you about it. I should have thrown it out. I don’t need it to get through the day, not anymore. All I need is you.”

  His lips brushed against my temple and I turned my face toward his, allowing his mouth to find mine. The kiss was soft and gentle, but it only took seconds for it to increase in intensity. Then I was on my back and he was on top of me, his mouth devouring mine, his tongue exploring my mouth while his hands roved my body. It was like he was trying to reassure himself that I was actually here, like he wanted to touch every inch of me.

  We kissed and touched until we became tangled in the blankets piled around us and Trevor had to kick them aside, and then he was on me again, this time between my legs, moving against me in a teasing dance that made my head spin and body throb. Even though he was still wearing his boxer briefs, I lifted my hips up to meet his, begging for relief, but he seemed determined to draw this moment out.

  He moved down my body, trailing kisses over me as he went. His lips lingered on my chest, his tongue moving over the dip between my collarbones before traveling lower. He circled each of my nipples with his tongue, lavishing attention on them that made goose bumps pop up on my skin as moans echoed through the room. His hands took the place of his mouth when he moved lower, kissing his way down my stomach to my inner thighs. After that I was caught up in a whirlwind of caresses and kisses, of teasing fingers and a teasing tongue. My body begged for more while I squirmed under his attention, unable to stay still, unable to stop myself from gasping out my pleasure.

  Then he was back, his body positioned between my legs, his mouth on mine as he slid inside me. I wrapped my legs around his waist and lifted my hips up to meet each one of his thrusts, wanting more of him. All of him. Forever.

  Epilogue

  Banging echoed through the air when I stepped outside. Mona, the woman Trevor and I had picked up shortly after the snow thawed, waved from across the lawn. She was on her hands and knees in the garden, pulling weeds and making sure all the vegetables she’d so carefully planted were properly watered. We’d been lucky to find her. Before all this Trevor had been a city boy, unlike Nathaniel, and not once in my life had I tried to grow anything. Without Mona, we would have struggled to get the garden going.

  I returned her wave before heading toward the banging. It had been an almost constant sound over the last week, and even though it was necessary, it still made my heart pound nearly as hard as the hammers were. Today would be the last day, or at least that’s what Trevor had told me last night. One more day and the fence would be complete, and then we’d be able to relax just a little. Not a lot, there wasn’t much chance to relax in this world, but enough.

  I turned the corner and the fence came into view. It was only six feet tall, not high enough to keep people out if they were determined to get in, but enough to keep the dead at bay. Meaning we wouldn’t need to have so many people out on patrol at one time. Which was always nice. There were only thirteen adults after all, in addition to the four kids, and no matter how hard we worked, it never seemed like we had enough people to get all the work done.

  Seven of us were on fence duty at the moment, Trevor being one of them. As I watched he paused in his hammering so he could say something to the woman at his side, Bev her name was. When she threw her head back and laughed, her blond hair shown under the bright afternoon sun. The sight of something so simple made my heart swell. These days, the little things seemed huge. Laughter. Friendship. Love. I couldn’t get enough of them.

  Trevor turned when I was still a good ten feet away and his eyes lit up when they found me. “You come to lend a hand?” he ca
lled, smirking at his little joke.

  I rolled my eyes and nodded to the pitcher in my hand. “Water break.”

  Bev took the pitcher from me when I reached her, smiling, and around us the others put their hammers down. Bev wasn’t the only woman working on the fence; there were two others and four men, including Trevor. All of them had come to us since spring, since the snow melted and the zombies thawed out and we realized that winter hadn’t ended the apocalypse. Letting strangers into our lives had been a difficult decision after our encounter with the men who had tried to attack me, but it had turned out to be a good thing. It had given us a sense of community, extra hands to get the work done, as well as a varying set of life skills. It had made us stronger.

  Unlike the other people working on the fence, Trevor was focused on me, not the water, and I smiled up at him when he leaned down to kiss the tip of my nose.

  “How are you feeling?”

  “Oh, you know,” I said, running my hand down my round belly. “Like a whale.”

  “A beautiful whale,” he replied, grinning.

  I smiled too.

  He rested his hand over mine, and almost as if sensing that we were both there, the baby kicked. It brought tears to my eyes, thinking about the life inside me. The one we had created together. There had been a time when I’d been certain my life was over. That I had reached the very end. If it hadn’t been for Trevor that could have been true, but he’d saved me, had not only given me a second chance, but also a reason to live. And I suddenly realized that even if I could go back I wouldn’t change any of it. All the things I’d been through, the ups and downs and heartache, had all been worth it. Because they had led me here. To Trevor. And I couldn’t ask for more.

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