Un-fur-tunate Murders

by Harper Lin

  “Nope.” I choked. “I saw it too.”

  Tom got to his knees and stood up, extending his hand to me to help me up. His posture was straight. He looked around and had yet to let go of my hand.

  “Do you have any idea what that was? Because I’ve never seen anything like that in my life. Nope. Nothing like that ever. And I’m a cop. I’ve seen it all. At least I thought I had up until two minutes ago.”

  I chuckled nervously.

  “No. But I think I know someone who would know.”

  “Let me guess. Your aunt Astrid?”

  I wasn’t sure if I should be happy he knew the correct answer or not. We had just escaped a paranormal catastrophe. We could have gotten hurt or killed or possessed or…

  “We need to get out of here,” I hissed, remembering the soul parasite we had to pull out of Tamara. Maybe that craggy, deformed creature brought those things with it. Or maybe they burrowed into the soil like regular worms and waited for idiots like us to stumble into their lair. I should have told Aunt Astrid a protection spell cranked up to eleven would have been better than something that made me smell like candy.

  “Yeah. I think you’re right.” Tom pulled my arm, and we started to hurry back in the direction we had come. He never let go of my hand. Not once. Not until we got into his truck.

  “Well.” We were both breathing hard as we sat in the cab. “You certainly are a fun date.” Tom turned to me.

  “Sure,” I replied. “How many girls suggest trespassing on private property that is haunted or cursed or unholy? Find me an opportunity to go insane with fear, and there’s no holding me back.”

  Tom didn’t say anything but still stared at me.

  “I’m sorry, Tom. I shouldn’t have brought you here. I should have never suggested this, because it’s way too dangerous. I should have come alone.”

  “What?” He looked almost hurt. “This is no place for a woman to be alone. Call me old fashioned, but it’s not.”

  “I made you break the law.”

  “Your beautiful eyes can probably make me do a lot of things, but that one I chose on my own. Sorry.”

  “Tom. There is something you should know about me and about my family.” I took a deep breath and looked at my hands in my lap. They were dirty from the mud we’d had to crouch in. In fact, there was dirt and muck covering almost all of my left side.

  “Let me guess. It has something to do with the full moon and growing hair and fangs?”

  “Not quite.” I laughed.

  “You grow scales and a fin when you swim in salt water?”

  “I’m trying to be serious.” I couldn’t help but chuckle. Tom scooted closer to me and stretched his right arm behind me on the seat. “You might have a different opinion of me after I tell you.”

  “You could tell me that Jack the Ripper was your father and Elizabeth Bathory was your mom, and none of that would change the way I feel about you.”

  “My mom was dragged underneath my bed when I was a little girl and disappeared. She saved me from the thing that was to crawl out from underneath. She died saving me from a monster.”

  I held my breath and continued to look at my dirty hands. Tom didn’t move. I was sure he was wondering why he didn’t quit while he was ahead. Why are all the pretty ones crazy? Why didn’t I ask for documentation from a shrink that this one was okay to date? How do they always know where to find me? Yup. I was sure these were the comments going through Tom’s head right now.

  What was he waiting for? Where was the sarcasm? There had to be a condescending comment teetering on the tip of his tongue, just waiting to jump off.

  “Well?” I spat, drawing my attitude as a cowboy draws his pistol. “I’m sure you’ve got something to say about it.”

  His face looked as if he had been slapped very hard by a stranger.

  “I’m so sorry, Cath.”

  Repeating the words, he scooted even closer and pulled me to him.

  I stared into his eyes and felt tears fill my own. What? Sorry? Where did that come from? How was I supposed to react to this kind of kindness? I did what any woman in the arms of a handsome man would do. I cried.

  “I’ve been looking for monsters my whole life, Tom.” Swallowing hard, I pulled myself together and leaned back from him slightly. “Sometimes I’m imagining them. But sometimes I run right smack into them. More than one person has left me behind because of it. I’ll understand if you do too. It’s not like cheering for rival baseball teams. Some things just can’t be compromised.”

  I felt his strong hand push my head gently to his chest, where he smoothed my hair but said nothing. His heart was racing, and I figured it was because he was trying to find the right words to give me the old boot.

  “I had a dream once that my mom got into a car crash.” His words were soft but heavy. “I had to be about thirteen or fourteen. I told her, and she just shook it off. She drove me to school like usual, and nothing happened. But the image of her car all dented up, with steam and smoke coming from it, the windshield smashed into a spider web of glass, wouldn’t leave me.” He swallowed. “Finally, when I had gotten enough nerve to tell the teacher I needed to call home, the principal, Mr. Loomis, came to the classroom door and pointed at me.”

  I looked up and studied Tom’s face. The twinkle was dulled. That was what usually happened when a person relived something sad. I tried to see if there was any indication he was lying or patronizing me. But nothing was there.

  “You can imagine my reaction, right? I became hysterical. I started yelling for my mom, and Mr. Loomis told me to calm down. My mom was in the office. My father had been in an automobile accident, and she was here to take me to the hospital.”

  “You just saw the car in your dream?” I deduced that all on my own.

  “When my mom returned home after dropping me off at school, my dad was there to change cars. It had a bigger trunk, and he needed it for something he was buying or something. I barely remember that part. I just remember seeing my mom with tears in her eyes but brave. She was always brave.”

  “Was your dad okay?”

  “He was. Banged up, but that didn’t kill him. Old age did.” Tom smiled. The twinkle was back.

  “Did you ever have a psychic episode after that?”

  “Nothing worth mentioning. A few experiences of déjà vu. But nothing that ever made my heart stop. Well, not like that day. Oh, except for one.” He snapped his fingers, nodding.

  “When was that?”

  “The day I first saw you.”

  My breath caught in my throat, and I felt the heat rise up from my toes, racing to set my cheeks ablaze. Before I could hide my embarrassment, I felt Tom’s lips against mine.

  “I’ve been waiting all night to do that.”

  I clicked my tongue.

  “Well, I don’t know what took you so long,” I teased. “We were just lying down behind a log for an infinite amount of time. What did I have to do, send up a flare or something?”

  “Excuse me if a creepy old hag sniffing the dirt for our scent kept me preoccupied.” Tom scooted back behind the wheel and revved the truck’s engine.

  “I don’t think we need to worry about that now.” I laughed, turning to grab my seat belt only to have my eyes captured in the milky, dead stare of the creepy old hag Tom was talking about staring in the window at us. At me!

  I screamed.

  “Let me in!” It cackled and began to scratch at the window, just as Tamara described.

  “Tom! Get us out of here!”

  Without a word, Tom threw the truck in drive and sped out of the speed-trap hiding place and back onto the road. In the side-view mirror, I saw the thing hobbling after us, bent yet undeterred. But it disappeared as Tom put the miles of road between it and us. You can be sure I also checked behind our seats and shined a police-issue flashlight into the flatbed through the little window to make sure there were no stowaways.

  “What in heck!” Tom started to laugh as he steered the
truck. It was a nervous but relieved laugh, like a balloon filled with helium and then let go. It was contagious.

  When we finally pulled into my driveway, we were laughing so hard anyone who would have seen us would have testified we were drunker than skunks.

  “I don’t know if the phrase ‘I had a wonderful time’ applies to this,” I teased as I climbed out of the cab.

  “Right? I had an absolutely terrifying time, and I’m sure I won’t sleep for a week.” Tom walked around the front of the truck, took my hand, and walked me to my front door. We stood under the porch light for a few moments. “Oh, and before I forget, you’ll need to give me directions to Bea’s place.”

  “Oh yeah. They invited you for dinner. That’s right.” I squeezed his hand and pointed to the lovely yellow house down the block. “It’s right over there. But if you get lost, you can stop by Aunt Astrid’s house, and she’ll give you directions.” I pointed to the elegant brownstone almost directly across the street. Call me crazy, but I was pretty sure I saw a curtain fall back into place at the old girl’s house. Aunt Astrid might be able to see different dimensions without being noticed, but in this dimension, she was not so stealthy.

  “Well, I better be on my best behavior. They could be watching.”

  “Could be? I’d put money on that sure thing.”

  Tom turned back to me, put his finger underneath my chin, and lifted my lips to his. His lips were soft, and the kiss was gentle and proper and delightful.

  “I’ll see you on Friday,” he said as he pulled away and headed for his truck.

  “Hey, Tom? I don’t think I’d tell anyone about what happened tonight. Not until we are together at my cousin’s house. Is that okay?”

  “No one would believe me if I did tell them.” He smirked. “That I was on a date with an angel? Nope. No one will believe me. They’ll have to see with their own eyes.”

  Just then, a dark, familiar shadow came slinking across the yard. If I’d had any doubts about Tom, they were quickly being knocked down like bricks by a wrecking ball a little at a time. It was Treacle who rubbed up against Tom’s legs. Back and forth, he arched his back and pushed his head and whipped his tail around Tom, making sure he knew Treacle approved of him.

  “I think you are in love, Treacle.”

  “If I’m not, I know someone who is,” he said.

  “See you Friday, Cath.”

  “Good night, Tom. Drive safe.”

  Libre Monstrum

  “You didn’t say anything about your date with Tom.” Aunt Astrid said as soon as I let myself in Bea’s front door. “I know it was your day off at the cafe, but you wouldn’t answer any of our calls or texts.”

  “Hello, Aunt Astrid,” I said as Treacle scooted past me into the house to visit with Marshmallow, who was lounging on the sofa facing the kitchen, and Peanut Butter, who jumped down from the desk to give him a hearty welcome. I stomped up to my aunt and gave her a kiss on the cheek. “I didn’t think I needed to tell you anything since you were peeking out your front window.”

  “That wasn’t me. It was Marshmallow. Marshmallow, you sneaky kitty.”

  “It was her,” Marshmallow told me telepathically.

  “Well, I do have some things to tell you, but I want to wait until Tom arrives.” I walked into the kitchen and quickly ran up to my cousin, who was busy behind the counter, chopping up something that was purple. I bumped her with my hip.

  “I’m so glad you’re here.” She gave me a peck on the cheek.

  “Where’s Jake?” I asked, looking around.

  “He and Blake will be here in about ten minutes. I needed some peanut oil and rice vinegar for the coleslaw salad, so the boys went to get it.”

  “Blake is staying for dinner, too?” Did I sound nervous?

  “He is.” Bea gave me a sad look. “He doesn’t get home-cooked meals often, and it’s important for the man watching my husband’s back to know he has a little bit of family here. Even if we don’t always understand each other.”

  “Of course, Bea.” I put my hand on her shoulder. “I’m good. Speaking of good, what is that smell?”

  “Savory mushroom torte in a light pastry and gravy with Asian coleslaw and homemade banana pudding for dessert.”

  My shoulders slumped.

  “Is that all?” I teased.

  “Shut up and tell us about your date.”

  “Well, it was fun. Interesting. And fun. And a little scary. Terrifying, really. A hint of nausea was there too.”

  “I think I hear wedding bells!” Aunt Astrid cried, pointing at me. “I had those same exact feelings when I met Bea’s father, your uncle.”

  “Oh, for heaven’s sake. Calm down, woman.” I rolled my eyes. “Can you just tell me what I can do to help until he gets here? Then we’ll spill the beans about everything. Sheesh! You’re worse than first graders before summer vacation.”

  My aunt and cousin loved to tease me. Secretly, I loved it, too. They were the best family I could have hoped for, and the fact that they were interested in knowing Tom was comforting.

  Truthfully, I would have preferred that Blake wasn’t going to be with us tonight. Bea was much more caring than I was. I assumed it had to do with being able to see people’s auras. It wasn’t just where they were hurting but how. That nurturing side of her made her one of the most beautiful people I’d ever known.

  As she chopped up the purple cabbage, she told Aunt Astrid and me about Jake’s attempt at arts and crafts. Bea had wanted a wooden frame for a picture she had found of the three of us.

  “I was really just thinking out loud,” she said, starting to laugh. “I mumbled that it would just be a simple wooden frame. Flat. Not a lot of detail. So Jake, bless his heart, made me a Popsicle-stick frame.” Tears were streaming down her cheeks as she talked. “He handed it to me before he left for work, all wrapped in tissue paper and everything.”

  “Daww!” I gushed.

  “It was Krazy Glued together, crooked, the glue dried in a big glob at one end, and one of the sticks was stained pink from the red Popsicle it had on it. I know they have those things at the police station in the staff freezer. He ate four for the sticks!”

  We were all laughing as Jake and Blake came through the door.

  Jake stopped and looked at us laughing.

  “You told them about my frame, didn’t you?” He put his hands on his hips.

  “There’s no shame in not being the artsy-craftsy type, Jake,” I said soothingly.

  He walked over to Bea, who was still trying not to laugh, and handed her the bag of supplies she had requested.

  “Hello, Detective Samberg. It’s so good to see you again.” Aunt Astrid always made such a fuss over him, and I couldn’t say why.

  “Astrid. It’s nice to see you again. Cath.” He nodded.

  “Hi, Blake.” I smiled warily. “How are they treating you at the station?”

  “Just fine,” he replied. I thought it looked as if he was going to continue speaking, but not another word came from his mouth. Instead, he walked over and took a seat next to my aunt.

  I didn’t pursue it and turned on my designated barstool at the counter back to Bea and Jake, who were obviously whispering coded sweet nothings to one another.

  When the doorbell rang, I hopped off the seat.

  “No! No.” Jake took my hand and motioned for me to get back on my stool. “You don’t want to appear desperate. Even if you are.”

  “I’m going to slap you,” I whispered, shaking my head. “You really are too much.”

  But Jake wasn’t listening to me and dashed off toward the door. A hearty salutation could be heard, and as Tom appeared in the doorway, his blue jeans fitting perfectly, his proper button-down shirt tucked in, and his wavy black hair neatly combed into place, I forgot just about everything else that had happened up to this point.

  “Hi, everyone.” He waved, not at all shy or nervous, unlike me. With all the cool in the world, he handed a pretty bouquet of flower
s to Bea and, like a real man’s man, a six-pack of something to Jake.

  “I’m not really a wine person, or an alcohol person, for that matter. This is just a little concoction a friend of mine sent me from his home in Illinois.” Tom took two more steps and stood next to me. “You haven’t lived if you haven’t tasted Green River.”

  “I’ve heard of that stuff. It’s like liquefied lime-green suckers.” I wrinkled my nose. Even I didn’t think that sounded too appealing, and I loved junk food.

  “Indeed it does.” Tom slipped his arm around my waist, making me squirm. I wasn’t used to any kind of public displays of affection. But he smelled so good I let him give me a gentle squeeze.

  Jake and Bea thanked Tom, and within minutes, we were all enjoying Bea’s mushroom tortes. Once again, I was proven wrong that a meal needed meat in order to be delicious. But the siren song of the frozen deluxe pizza in my freezer would be calling to me before the night was over.

  “So Tom,” Blake began as Jake and Bea began clearing away everyone’s plates after dinner, “we appreciate your sending the file on the Clares to us.”

  “Yeah.” Jake added, “We haven’t had any real trouble with them, but the funny thing is we do have reports of some odd occurrences around their property.”

  “Like what?” Aunt Astrid looked at me.

  “People have called saying they’ve heard screaming. There have been weird lights in the trees.” Jake shook his head.

  “But none of these have been substantiated.” Blake huffed, per his usual serious self. “The reports are very random, and there haven’t been any in over two years. It’s my guess they are just hallucinations by people who indulged in too much alcohol. Maybe a controlled substance.”

  “That is because Tamara came to the Brew Ha-Ha instead of stopping by the police station.” I looked at Treacle, who slowly blinked at me before stepping over to the sliding screen door to be let out into the world again.

  “Had enough domestication?” I smiled.

  “I’ll see what’s going on and report back.”