by Sarah Price
She lifted her eyes and stared at him. She was speechless.
“I saw you in church last week, following the words in The Ausbund,” he explained quietly, taking a step back from her. “And Lydia told me that you were asking her for translations afterward. I rode down to Gordonville yesterday to pick up those books at the bookstore.”
She looked back at the books in her hands, tracing the gold words on the front cover with her finger. Manuel had been watching her in church? She hadn’t noticed that, last Sunday. And he had been discussing her with Lydia? When had he found the time? The microscope of her new life. Yet, in doing so, he had taken time out of his busy day to journey almost ten miles away and buy her a gift? And such a thoughtful one as this?
“Danke, Manuel,” she managed to say, finding it hard to not express what she was truly feeling. She wanted to hug him. She wanted to press her lips against his cheek. She wanted to cry at the magnitude of the gift.
But she didn’t.
He nodded his head, pleased with the sincerity of her response. Her simple response, plain and to the point. “Gut,” he said, smiling just a touch. “And, if you’d like, I can help you with the German when we are…” He hesitated, just long enough for Faith to realize that, despite this wonderful gift, he was still apprehensive about their arrangement. “Married.”
And with those words, she now realized how much she could love this man.
Chapter Nine
The baptism service took place at the Fischer’s farm, just a few miles down the road. Despite the weather, the service was being held in the barn since there would be more people attending than usual. Faith was not the only person joining the church on this day. For those that were taking the kneeling vow, baptism was a day of celebration as well as one of reflection. Often times, family members came from other districts to share in the glory of the day.
The congregation was gathered for the service. The men were on one side of the room and the women on the other. For the first forty minutes, the congregation engaged in singing hymns, the songs sang a capella in German. Each song was long and drawn out, the sound eerily comforting on such a gray day. It wasn’t until the second hour that the bishop requested the baptismal candidates to come forward and sit in the front of the gathering, men on one bench and the women on the other.
The room was crowded and hot, despite the cool October weather outside. The glow from the kerosene lanterns cast soft flickers of light throughout the barn. The sweet smell of hay filled the air, a scent that Faith found comforting. For a moment, she closed her eyes and silently prayed to God to give her the strength to follow the ways of the Amish and to please Him in doing so. When she finished, she opened her eyes and looked around the room. Immediately, she noticed that Manuel had been watching her, the hint of a proud smile on his lips and his eyes sparkling in the dim light of the room.
When the bishop cleared his throat to begin the baptism sermon, the candidates bowed their heads and covered their faces in a sign of humility, kneeling before him. The bishop spoke to the congregation, talking about Paul baptizing an Ethiopian. It was the same sermon that had been given to many generations before and would be administered to many generations yet to come, those that followed these particular candidates for baptism. Yet, for all of the people kneeling before him, the words were especially poignant and powerful on this dreary, grey day.
“In Matthew 6, the Savior says that no one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will hold to the one and despite the other. You are now asked if you are willing to renounce Satan and all of his followers, the dark kingdom filled with deceitful and worldly riches,” he said as he stood before the baptism candidates. “To renounce your own carnal and selfish will, lusts and affections. In doing so, you pledge yourself to be faithful to God, to receive the Savior Jesus Christ, and to allow yourself to live a life that is led by the Holy Spirit in all obedience to the truth and to remain in this unto death?” He paused before he added a simple question, “Can you acknowledge this with yes?”
Faith listened to the words spoken by the bishop in High German. She had practiced them repeatedly for the past few weeks with Lydia so that she would understand everything that was being said. Even Manuel had come to visit one evening after supper.
That night, Faith had been surprised to see him and, as usual, had that moment of panic that, perhaps, he had changed his mind. Yet, he sat beside her on the sofa, talking with Lydia and her husband until it was time for them to retire.
When they were finally alone in the kitchen, Manuel had seemed nervous, rubbing his hands along his pants as if drying them of water. At that moment, she had realized that he was sweating.
“You are nervous?” she had asked.
“Ja,” he had admitted.
“Of marrying me?” she had ventured, gathering courage from an unknown source.
A strange look had flickered across his face and he shook his head. “Nee, Faith,” he had said. “Not of that. I am nervous about your baptism.”
That had surprised her. “My baptism?”
He had nodded. “Do you know all of the words and what they mean? Do you want to practice them together, mayhaps?”
She had wanted to smile, to reach out and touch his hand. His offer had moved her and she had realized how very important this was to him. “I think that would be wonderful,” she had whispered, hoping that her voice didn’t crack from the emotion of the moment.
That evening, for the next hour, he had sat beside her, his arm brushing against hers as they reviewed the small brown book with the words of commitment to the Amish faith. He had helped her understand the High German words that the bishop would speak. He had also patiently worked with her on her responses, gently correcting her pronunciation. Once, when she had mispronounced a word, he had laid his hand atop hers, his fingers stroking her skin gently as he corrected her. Faith had found herself staring at his face as he spoke but not listening to the words. When it had been her turn to say the words again, she had to ask him to repeat himself for she hadn’t been paying attention. They had both laughed, too aware of the reason why.
Now, as she knelt before the congregation, she found herself nervous, hoping that she would respond properly and pronounce the words correctly. The last thing she wanted to do was to embarrass Manuel.
After the bishop continued with the rest of the questions concerning baptism, he paused again, his eyes carefully scanning the bowed heads before him. “If you are still intent on taking this baptism,” he began, his voice serious and deliberate. “Then I ask you to stay kneeling before me and the congregation. If, however, you have any doubts, this is the time to speak up.”
Silence.
When enough time had passed, it was time for each of the candidates to profess their confession of faith. Listening to the other three candidates ahead of her, Faith felt her palms begin to sweat as she tried to repeat in her mind the words that she had practiced for so long. She prayed to God that she would remember them and speak them properly.
“Faith Landes, do you renounce the devil, the world, and your own flesh and blood?”
She nodded her head and whispered, “Ja.” Goodbye past life, she thought. Goodbye worldliness. No more cars, no more telephones, no more shopping for clothes. Yet she found that she didn’t mind. It was a small price to pay for the reward of those precious children.
“Can you commit yourself to Christ and His church, to abide by it and therein to live and to die?”
She swallowed before she responded with another simple, “Ja.”
The bishop took a deep breath before he asked the third and final question, “And in the Ordnung of the church, according to the Word of the Lord, to be obedient and submissive to it and to help therein?”
This was the one that Faith knew she would struggle with for the rest of her life. If she broke this vow, she risked being shunned. Yet she worried constantly that something she might say or do would be against th
e Ordnung, those unwritten rules that governed the Amish community. Still, despite her trepidation, she said, “Ja,” and prayed that God would help her keep that vow.
“Please speak your confession of faith, Faith Landes,” the bishop said.
Please, please, please, she prayed. “Ich glaub dab Jesus Christus Gottes Sohn ist,” she managed to say, her heart pounded as she professed that she believed that Jesus Christ was, indeed, the Son of God. Once the words escaped her lips, she wanted to breath a sigh of relief but held her breath for she felt the bishop’s hands on her head.
“Faith Landes,” the bishop said as the deacon poured water on her bare head. “Upon your confessed faith, you are baptized in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen. Whoever believes and is baptized shall be saved.” He removed her hands from her face and helped her stand before the congregation. His wife stepped forward and gave her a kiss, the signed of the completion of baptism, before reminding her to be a faithful member of the church.
And with that, her kneeling vow was over and Faith rose to her feet a true Amish woman.
There were very few words from people after the service. She was expected to quickly slip into her role of helping to prepare the fellowship meal, although Lydia paused to give her an approving smile as she squeezed Faith’s hand in silent acknowledgement of her baptism. But just as quickly as the exchange happened, the two women were back at work, helping the other women set up the tables for the congregation to share the fellowship meal.
It was after the first seating, while Faith found herself standing alone for a moment, watching the younger women prepare the tables for the next group of church members, that Manuel approached her, his hands in his pockets and a glow about his face. He glanced around to make certain no one was watching before he reached out and slipped something into her hand. “Something to remember today by, ja?” he said with a timid smile just before he hurried back to where the men were standing.
She stared after him, stunned by the gesture. Was this his way of letting her know that he was proud of her? That she had pleased him with how hard she had practiced and how well she had managed to repeat the commitment vows? Her eyes fell to the small package in her hand. It was wrapped in simple brown paper with a string holding it together. Glancing back at him one last time, she noticed that his eyes were upon hers, watching her from where he stood with his peers.
Looking back toward the package, she pulled at the string and pushed back the paper. Inside was a neatly folded and pressed white handkerchief, embroidered on one corner with purple lilacs. The edges were stitched with white lace in a scalloped pattern. It was beautiful, a gift to be treasured, just as much for its fine craftsmanship as for the humbled manner with which it had been given to her. She held the handkerchief in her hand and lifted her eyes to seek Manuel’s. When she saw him still watching her, she smiled and bowed her head, a silent way of thanking him for his thoughtful, not to mention touching, gift.
“We’re going to have a supper at the house after my baptism,” Rebecca said to Faith as they stood in the kitchen making cookies. “I asked Mamm if you could come and she said that you should.”
Faith didn’t know how to respond. She was despondent over Rebecca’s decision to take the kneeling vow, suspecting that this new, serious Rebecca was not going away anytime soon. Her friend had changed, matured in a way that created a distance between them at times.
“You’ll come, ja?”
Nodding her head, Faith forced a smile. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” she had said.
Rebecca hugged her, a rare embrace that startled Faith. Like most Amish people, Rebecca was not very demonstrative with signs of affection. “I knew you would,” she beamed. “It just wouldn’t be the same without you!”
The admission had warmed Faith’s heart and she smiled as she said, “Too bad I can’t attend the service.”
“I wish you could, too. If only you were Amish…” she lamented and, to Faith’s surprise, she saw the serious look on Rebecca’s face. “Wouldn’t that be just perfect?”
It was later that afternoon, back at Lydia’s house, that Manuel asked Faith if she’d like to go for a buggy ride with him. She felt shy, a new nervousness about her, when she was in his presence but she welcomed the time alone with him. Buggy rides, she knew, were an accepted form of courtship with the Amish. Unmarried couples could be alone in a buggy without risk of wagging tongues speculating about their virtue.
At first, Manuel drove the horse in silence, his eyes on the road ahead. She glanced at him, wondering what was on his mind and waiting for him to speak. In the silence, she listened to the rattling of the buggy as the horse pulled it along the road, the sound soothing her frayed nerves.
“They’ll be announcing our wedding at the next service,” he finally said, a nervous look in her direction.
She had known that already but didn’t say so. “Oh?”
He nodded his head. “Lydia has offered to host the ceremony and I’ll start inviting people then. I reckon you have some family and friends you’d like to invite, then?”
“My parents, I suppose,” she replied, hesitating before she added, “But I don’t want to invite anyone from my old life.” It was too complicated, she pondered, to invite colleagues from her work or friends that she had made during her college years. She wanted a fresh start in her new life as the wife of an Amish man. “Is that horrible?”
For a moment, he contemplated what she had asked. She could see him reflecting upon it, spending time mulling over his answer. “Nee,” he answered solemnly. “I understand. It’s a new life for you. Bringing the old life into it seems to bring conflict at a time you are seeking peace.”
A wave of relief washed over her. She had been concerned that he would think she was ashamed. That wasn’t the case at all. It would take her time to adapt to the ways of the Amish, both culturally and religiously. She needed that time before she would be able to balance both worlds simultaneously. “Yes,” Faith said with a soft sigh. “That’s it exactly.”
They rode in silence again, Faith settling back into the velvet seat as she listened to the soothing noise of the horse’s hooves and the gentle humming of the buggy wheels. It was still a novelty to her, riding in a buggy. She hoped that she’d never get tired of it and that she would always find it magical.
“I want to tell you,” Manuel said at last. “That I’m in awe of what you have done.”
Awe? Faith repeated the word in her head and wondered what he meant. That was a strong word, a word that hinted at pride. She wondered what the bishop would think about that.
“You have renounced the world and committed yourself to obey the Ordnung for my children,” he continued.
She placed a hand on his arm, politely interrupting him. “I have accepted Jesus as the Son of God and as my savior, Manuel. From that, everything else stems.”
He nodded his head, appreciating her words. “Ja, I agree.”
“That is for my own salvation just as much as for your family’s,” she added.
Manuel looked at her and smiled. His eyes sparkled and looked alive, his own, quiet reverence to the Amish faith and her newfound commitment to it apparent in the way that he responded to what she had just expressed. “Well said, Faith. You make me very happy with that.”
They rode the rest of the way back to Lydia’s farm in silence, a comfortable silence between two people who had found a common ground on which to build their future relationship, one that centered on God just as much as it centered on each other.
Chapter Ten
She stood in the back of the room, the handkerchief with the embroidered lilacs clutched in her hands. There was a sea of people crowding into the house, the men in their Sunday suits and the women wearing green, burgundy, and pink dresses. But only one person wore blue: Faith.
Over the past three months, she had attended church services with Lydia every other Sunday. Faith found the singing during the service to be mes
merizing, so beautiful and uplifting, despite not understanding what was being sung. After church service, Faith would hurry home to Lydia’s house and disappear upstairs where she sat on the edge of the bed, reading through her Ausbund, the special one that Manuel had bought for her, one that was in both German and English. For the next hour, Faith would read through the three songs that had been sung at church, reading the German words before she read the translation. She could shut her eyes and hear the singing in her ears, the lifting up of voices praising God. And her heart would swell with love and happiness.
Yet today was different. Today was a Thursday, the last Thursday in November. Today she would attend a church service but it would be a different kind of service for, at the end of it, she would become Manuel’s wife. No, she corrected herself. She would forever be known as Manuel’s Faith.
Lydia had helped her make the traditional light blue dress for the ceremony. For that, Faith was grateful. She had been nervous, her hands shaking whenever she had tried to hold the needle or cut the material. Sensing Faith’s raw nerves and anxiety, Lydia had quickly taken charge of the process.
To make matters worse, she hadn’t seen much of Manuel over the past four weeks. During the week, when Faith arrived at the farm to help with the housekeeping and tend to the baby while the children were at school, Manuel had usually been outside working. She almost had thought that he was avoiding her. Once Anna and the other kinner arrived home from school, Faith immediately felt better, helping them with their afternoon chores. By five in the afternoon, she would head back to Lydia’s farm, walking the two miles, a time of solace that helped her clear her head.
But she still couldn’t help wonder about Manuel’s strange behavior. On a Saturday, when Faith and Lydia sat mending some clothing, Faith had gathered the courage to mention her concerns to his sister.
Lydia had tried to explain to her that Manuel was only doing the proper thing: giving her space. Now that the community knew that Faith had joined the church and would marry Manuel, it wouldn’t be appropriate for him to be alone in the house with her, even more so than before. Tongues would wag and speculation might start about the extent of their relationship and the real reason for the wedding.