by Sarah Price
“Faith?” Lydia called up the stairs. “You should get down here to eat something.”
Food? Faith blanched at the thought. Her stomach was in a turmoil. How could she possibly hold down any food when, in just a few short hours, she would be committing herself to love, honor, and obey a man that she barely knew, a man that she had hardly spoken two full sentences to during the past month? Oh, she had caught him watching her as he worked in the barn. On the days that she did the laundry while the children were at school, she noticed that he would stand in the shadows of the barn, his face turned in her direction as she hung the wet clothing on the line. But not once did he come to her, to greet her or share the noon meal with her. For that, Faith had been left on her own with baby Ruthie.
Still, she hadn’t minded. The time that she spent alone with the baby had been joyful. Without doubt, Ruthie was a happy baby, completely unaware of the pain that her life had brought upon the Petersheim family. Faith found that her relationship with the infant only grew closer with each passing day. Ruthie’s smiles and giggles, the way the baby tried to pull at her hair or at the strings of her prayer kapp, only furthered the adoration that Faith felt for her. She doubted that she could love another human being as much as she loved that baby, for the two of them seemed to be left on their own, needing the mutual love that they felt for each other.
“Ja, vell,” Lydia said as she appraised Faith. “I’d say you look right gut for your wedding day.”
Faith felt her stomach twist at the words. Wedding day? What am I doing, she asked herself, not for the first time.
With Faith staying at Lydia’s house, the church service and ceremony would be held there. During the previous week, Faith had helped clean the downstairs, washing windows and floorboards before hurrying to Manuel’s in the afternoon to tend to his house, the laundry, and the children. Each night, she was exhausted and secretly wished that Manuel would offer to drive her home to Lydia’s. Yet, she hadn’t even seen him during those days.
Disappointment began to fill her mind as she looked toward the barn in the evening, knowing that he was in there, before she began the thirty-minute walk back to Lydia’s farm.
So, when she heard the buggies starting to pull into Lydia’s driveway on the Thursday morning, Faith felt her heart pounding even harder, worried that Manuel wouldn’t show up but also panicking that he would. The conflict in emotions made her edgy and distracted as she helped to set up the benches in the large gathering room while Lydia’s younger children set worn copies of the Ausbund upon each seat. As other people began to arrive, Faith realized that the day was not much different than any church Sunday. There were no flowers, no candles, no gifts, and no hugs. Instead, a simple handshake and, when the women had arrived, the friendly kiss of sisterhood as they greeted each other.
In her lifetime, Faith had attended many different weddings. Friends from her college years had invited her to theirs, mostly held at Presbyterian or Catholic churches. Cousins had been married at the Mennonite church. And, of course, she had been invited to Rebecca’s wedding, one of the three Amish weddings she had ever attended. At the time, she hadn’t paid much attention to anything but to how radiant her friend looked. After all, Faith hadn’t been able to understand the sermon and the songs. This time however, she had studied the words in advance and, even though she wasn’t fluent in German or Pennsylvania Dutch by any stretch of the imagination, she had studied the songs that would be sung and the words that would be spoken by the bishop, memorizing their translations as well, so that she would know exactly what was said.
“Faith!”
She turned around at the sound of her name. Anna, Mary, and Sadie ran up to her and greeted her with the familiar handshake. Sadie beamed, a smile on her face that spoke of her pleasure in this day. “Just think,” she whispered into Faith’s ear while squeezing her hand. “Tonight you’ll be coming home with us to stay!”
Another moment of panic set in and Faith forced herself to swallow, hesitating before she responded with a nervous smile, “Imagine that, Sadie! How fortunate am I!”
“Daed has Ruthie,” Anna said. “I told him I’d take her but he said he’d ask Lydia.”
Faith nodded. “That’s right smart of him, Anna. That way you won’t be interrupted during the service.” She was grateful for the distraction, her palms sweating as she realized that, indeed, not only would she be returning to the Petersheim’s farm that evening, but also it would be her home forevermore. She would live there for the rest of her life, perhaps one day moving to the smaller grossdaadihaus when the children would be older and one of them would take over the farm.
Her heart began to palpitate inside of her chest. When that happened, she’d be living alone with Manuel. Without young children, it would just be the two of them. For a moment, panic returned. What would they do when it was just the two of them, she wondered. A voice inside of her head stopped her, reminding her that such a time was a long way in the future. Plenty of time to know Manuel, she told herself.
Glancing around the room, she caught sight of Manuel speaking with Lydia just outside of the doorway leading to the porch. As always, he looked handsome in his black suit and vest. Even more becoming was how he was holding Ruthie, a genuine smile on his face. Indeed, true to Anna’s word, he was handing Ruthie to Lydia, pausing just momentarily to tickle the baby under her chin before he joined the other men.
When I leave here today, she thought, that man will be my husband. The thought sent her into a spiral of mixed emotions. The confliction caused her angst and she found herself chewing on her lower lip, questioning herself once again until the image of Rebecca passed through her memory.
“Just think, Faith,” Rebecca gushed. “One day, you’ll be getting married and Manuel and I will attend your wedding!”
It was just a few days before her wedding to Manuel and Rebecca was giddy with excitement. While Faith could not be one of her attendants on that day since she wasn’t Amish, Rebecca had repeatedly told her that she was the attendant of her heart. Together, they had worked on her blue wedding dress, a plain dress that Rebecca would wear over and over again throughout the years. One day, she had told Faith, she would be buried in that dress, a morbid thought that Faith had hated to consider.
But for now, as they helped Rebecca’s mamm bake pies for the wedding fellowship, Rebecca was focused more on helping her friend share in the joy, wishing that she, too, would soon get married.
But Faith had other plans. When Rebecca announced her intentions to attend Faith’s wedding, she had merely laughed at her friend. “I doubt it,” Faith replied, gently nudging her friend’s shoulder with her own as both of their hands were covered in flour. “I’ll be an old spinster, just you watch!”
“Oh Faith,” Rebecca cried, genuinely alarmed. “Don’t you say such a horrid thing!”
Again, Faith laughed at the expression on Rebecca’s face. “It’s not that horrid, truly. I want to teach. My students will be my children. I don’t need to get married to have a family and I’ve never really met anyone who interests me,” she said. “Not like the way you light up when you are with Manuel.”
“Hmmph!” Rebecca sniffed, feigning disappointment in her friend. “Vell, if that’s the case, you will just have to share the family that Manuel and I have. You need your own children and family.” She paused and looked over at Faith, a smile forming on her lips. It was clear that she had an idea, an idea that pleased her greatly and gave her peace regarding the dilemma of what to do about Faith and a family. “Ja, that’s just what I’ll do!”
Faith shook her head, enjoying this light-hearted and joyous Rebecca. “What will you do?”
“Why, if you don’t have your own family,” Rebecca had said with a smile on her face. “I’ll just give you mine!”
It was just like a regular church service with the exception of the high number of people that attended. In addition to Manuel and his family members, both those of the immediate family as well as t
he extended, other members of the church district and Faith’s family were also in attendance. To Faith, many of the faces looked to be the same as those that had attended Rebecca’s funeral just six months prior.
As always, the service opened with the congregation joining together to sing a song from the Ausbund. One of the men began by singing the first syllable of the hymn in a long, drawn out singsong manner. The rest of the congregation joined in. Each syllable was sung to a specific tune, one hymn often taking upwards of thirty minutes to be sung.
Faith knew that the bishop was going to present a sermon after the hymn was finished. Then, there would be another hymn and another sermon. At that point, the bishop would ask for Manuel and Faith to come forward for the exchanging of the vows. Faith realized that she knew the process from not just studying the book that Lydia gave to her but also from having attended several of the weddings in the Yoder family, including Rebecca’s marriage to the man that would become her own husband in less than two hours.
She didn’t know whether to find the situation ironic or tragic. Perhaps both.
She looked up and glanced around the room. Manuel was sitting toward the front, his eyes on the bishop as he sang the Ausbund verse by heart. He looked at peace and calm, not nervous at all. And then, his blue eyes flickered in her direction, catching sight of her watching him. With just a slight movement of his head, he was no longer looking at the bishop but meeting her gaze. There was a moment, just a small moment, when he ceased singing and gave her the smallest hint of a smile. It was just enough to let her know that, indeed, everything was going to be just fine.
By the time that the second sermon was over, it was just after eleven. Faith felt her hands tremble when she saw the bishop stand before the congregation and, clearing his throat, ask for Manuel and Faith to rise and join him at the front. It was time. From deep within her core, Faith found the strength to stand and join Manuel, and both of them stood in front of family, friends, and church members to declare their intentions.
The bishop leveled his gaze at Manuel as he began to enunciate the wedding vows. “Can you confess, brother, that you wish to take this, our fellow-sister as your wedded wife, and not to part from her until death separates you, and that you believe this is from the Lord and that through your faith and prayers you have been able to come this far?”
Manuel tensed at the phrase until death separates you but, after a quick recovery, he nodded his head and said, “Ja.” Despite the softness of his voice, Faith knew that he was comfortable with this decision.
The bishop turned his attention to Faith. “Can you confess, sister, that you wish to take this, our fellow-brother as your wedded husband, and not to part from him until death separates you, and that you believe this is from the Lord and that through your faith and prayers you have been able to come this far?”
She bit her lip and nodded her head. The word seemed stuck in her throat. But no one spoke until she finally forced out a soft “Ja” in response to the bishop’s question.
“Since you, Manuel Petersheim, have confessed that you wish to take our fellow-sister to be your wedded wife, do you promise to be faithful to her and to care for her, even though she may suffer affliction, trouble, sickness, weakness, despair, as is so common among us poor humans, in a manner that befits a Christian and God-fearing husband?”
Once again, Manuel nodded as he enunciated his answer: “Ja.”
The bishop returned his gaze to Faith. “And you, Faith Landes, you have also confessed that you wish to take our fellow-brother to be your wedded husband. Do you promise to be faithful to him and to care for him, even though he may suffer affliction, trouble, sickness, weakness, despair, as is so common among us poor humans, in a manner that befits a Christian and God-fearing wife?”
“Ja,” she managed to say, feeling as if she were watching the entire scene as a bystander, not a participant. Everything felt surreal and unnatural. Is this really happening? she wondered.
The bishop took one step back and, gesturing toward him, he said, “Extend your right hand to each other.” When they did so, he covered their hands with his and said, “The God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob be with you both and help your family come together and shed His blessing richly upon all of you. Now, go forth as a married couple. Fear God and keep His commandments.”
And with that, they were married.
It was later, after the service was formally over, when the newly-married couple sat together at the corner table, that the people who had attended the service began approaching them in pairs to greet them for the first time as husband and wife. Faith knew many of the people but just as many were unknown to her. Manuel introduced her to each couple, explaining where they lived and whom they were related to. By the end of the greeting period, her head was spinning and she couldn’t remember the names of anyone. She had stopped counting how many Katies, Sylvias, Lindas, and Amos she had met. The names began to blur together and she found herself barely listening.
Instead, she was looking for the children, wanting to make certain that Benjamin and Sadie had eaten enough. She tried to find Ruthie, curious as to which relative was holding her now.
“Faith?”
She felt his hand on her arm, his touch soft and gentle. Nevertheless, she jumped, startled out of her thoughts. Pivoting in her seat, she looked at Manuel and tried to meet his eyes. “I’m sorry,” she apologized. “Did you say something?”
There was a look of understanding in his expression. His blue eyes studied her face. For the first time, she realized how truly handsome he was, with deep-set eyes and high-cheekbones. Even with his full beard, there was a look of elegance about him, a look that she had never noticed before this morning. Or, rather, a discovery she might very well have noticed but avoided thinking about prior to this moment.
“I wanted to make certain you had enough to eat,” he said, his voice faltering. She realized that he, too, was as uncomfortable as she was. He ran his finger along her wrist, just a brief gesture of familiarity that caused her heart to quicken, before he removed his hand. “Don’t want you having to cook tonight when we get back home.”
Nodding, she glanced back around the room. “I…I was just thinking the same thing. However, I’m more worried about the children.” But she didn’t see them anywhere. “I hope they had enough to eat.”
“They’ll be fine,” he replied gently. “Don’t you worry about them none.”
Shifting in the chair, Faith turned to him, meeting his gaze and fighting the urge to get emotional. It was there, inside of her chest: the emotions of the day, the commitment to the future, the memories of the past. They threatened to unleash themselves if she didn’t suppress them. “Manuel,” she said softly. “What happens next?”
“Ja vell,” he said, glancing around the room, leaning closer to her so that she could hear him above the noise in the room. “They’ll be some singing before people begin to leave.” His eyes drifted to the clock over his sister’s sink in the kitchen. “Most will be leaving by three, four at the latest. Cows still need milking, regardless of the day.”
Of course, she thought. The needs of the farm were at the center of most daily routines. She dreaded the thought of leaving Lydia’s house, dreaded the idea that she would drive off with Manuel and arrive at the farm, her new home, with a ready-made family. She worried about their expectations from her, especially Manuel. During the summer, she had been able to take charge for she had very little at stake. Now, however, she was a wife and a mother in a world that, despite being familiar to her, made her feel as though she was an outsider.
And tonight?
She was nervous about what Manuel expected from her. It was one thing to take care of the children, to marry him in order to fulfill a promise to her friend. But to be a true wife? It was the one thought that had caused her the most grief, causing her to lie awake at night, praying to God for help and guidance. She wasn’t ready to be a wife, not in that physical sense, to
a man she barely knew, a man that had been married to her best friend, a man that she didn’t know if she really loved.
Chapter Eleven
He didn’t awaken her when he slipped from beneath the covers. At least not intentionally. In truth, she hadn’t slept much during the night. Instead, she had lain beside him in the bed, listening to the sound of his breathing, hearing the gentle rumbling of a soft snore from time to time. Throughout the night, she had fought the urge to cry, not understanding the emotions that she was feeling.
Indeed, as she had expected, it had been a strange feeling when they pulled up to the Petersheim farm. The children had been giddy and laughing, happy that they had a new mamm, one that they already knew and loved. For the children, Faith had always been a part of their lives, although not as active in recent years, that was true. But she was already a part of their family and the fact that their mamm had been her best friend meant that there was a history to be shared.
Manuel, however, had been quiet. He refused to look at Faith and, after helping her down from the buggy, he mumbled something in Pennsylvania Dutch and led the buggy toward the stable to untack the horse.
Confused, Faith had wandered into the house, realizing that this was now her home. In all likelihood, she would never live anywhere else. Home, she thought. It was a strange feeling. It still felt like Rebecca’s home, not her own.
The children had clamored around her, gracing her with an occasional hug and big smiles. Even Ruthie seemed to know that something was different and she kept waving her arms happily in the air from the high-chair.