Hate to Love You

by Tijan

  telling the girls about him.”

  I groaned. “Are you kidding me? They know about Gage. I’m already stress-eating that situation. I got home from the library and ordered a pizza last night.”

  “Did you eat it all?”

  “My stomach made me stop after three slices. Don’t judge me. I was hungry.”

  “No judgment here. And talking of no judgment,” she whacked my arm, “you didn’t tell me about your video this weekend. I think it went viral yesterday.”

  Kristina grabbed the door leading into the food court, and I went ahead. “I was hoping you hadn’t viewed it.”

  “Are you kidding me? Casey was there. She had front-row tickets.”

  Yeah. Casey. She’d become a different sort of problem. I cleared my throat as we got into the line for the cafeteria. “You said the girls got into a fight last night? Are they eating with us?”

  She snorted, pulling out her ID. “I doubt it. Casey took off. I have no idea where she went, and Laura and Sarah have been at the guys’ building all day. I saw them in the dorm bathroom this morning, but Sarah said they needed a mental day.”

  The amount of stress that just left my body was comedic. I tipped my head back. “Thank God.”

  She handed her card over to run through the machine. Mine was next, and our conversation was paused. It was food time, which meant ice cream first for me. If the other girls weren’t eating with us, I snagged a table in the far corner. Kristina found me. She’d gone the healthy route today with a salad, an orange, and a carton of milk.

  I looked at mine. I had pizza last night. My tray consisted of ice cream, a piece of cake, two chicken strips, and a small bowl of yogurt.

  I said, “You’re not holding up your end of the Freshman Fifteen Agenda. I can’t eat your end for you.”

  She picked up her milk and pointed at me. “You’re doing quite fine, Miss I Have the Longest Legs Ever, But Act Like They’re Short and Chubby. Kennedy, you can eat like this and still be drop-dead gorgeous. Not me.”

  I pointed to the Double Ds. “You have your own blessings. Don’t cut yourself short.” Not to mention, she was gorgeous.

  “Yeah. Those.” She gazed down. “If anyone tells you big breasts are the way to go, they’re an idiot. I want to do a reduction.”

  “Really?”

  “Casey thinks I’m nuts, but she doesn’t understand. She’s tiny and compact. Guys love her body.”

  I frowned. “If you didn’t have a serious boyfriend, you’d find out how many guys love your body. Trust me.” Since she brought up the C word, I prompted, “Tell me about the fight.”

  “The fight.” She let out a breath of air and then started.

  Casey had been withdrawing a little more each day. Sarah and Laura hadn’t been happy about it all week. Kristina wasn’t sure what started it, but Casey said something. Laura and Sarah weren’t having it. They said something back. It was Casey’s turn. Then theirs. They were going back and forth, and as Kristina was curled up on their couch with her social work textbook on her lap, an entire fight ensued.

  Laura and Sarah wanted to know what was up with Casey.

  She refused to say.

  This enraged them further. It was time to double down, so they bluffed. She had to tell them or they weren’t going to drink together at Rugger’s (another name I didn’t know). Casey got so mad she stormed out of the room, but came back in, grabbed her backpack, purse, and her phone. Her second storming out was the real deal. Kristina hasn’t heard from her all night, except one text to let her know that Casey was sleeping somewhere else, and that’d been it.

  Laura and Sarah went to their room, and Kristina only saw them in the bathroom.

  She was saying, “I mean, I can kind of see Laura and Sarah’s point. Casey has been different. She doesn’t pick up after herself, and she’s been snappy. She’s herself sometimes, but other times, it’s like she pulls into herself and puts up a wall. Have you noticed anything?”

  A chicken strip caught in my throat. I gulped it down, wincing at the pain. “What?”

  “You’ve been hanging out with her more lately. Have you noticed anything?”

  “She wore a sweatshirt to the football game. That isn’t normal.”

  “Yeah. See. Things like that. They just don’t add up. It’s almost like she’s becoming a new person.” She finished her milk and stabbed at some lettuce with her fork. “Can I talk to you about something else?”

  Her tone went serious. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I thought the fight had been the sobering topic. I was wrong. “Sure. What is it?”

  Shay . . .

  Where I slept last night . . .

  How I’d been “off” lately . . .

  Those three things and so many others flashed in my head, but she said, “I think Casey likes your brother.”

  Another floodgate of relief.

  I waved my hand in the air. “I know.”

  Her mouth opened slightly. “You know?”

  “Uh.” I grabbed the last chicken strip but began pulling it apart into little pieces instead of eating it. “Gage asked me about Casey a while back. I’m not really surprised.”

  “You’re not joking?”

  “No. Why?”

  Her eyebrows dipped together. “I can’t tell. Sometimes you’re sarcastic. For real, though? You knew?”

  “I guessed. I saw him sitting with you guys at the game.”

  “Is that why you didn’t come over?”

  Kristina had been my first friend at Dulane, but she didn’t know my rules. I nodded.

  “I wondered why you didn’t sit with us. I mean, we saw you at the game, but I was kind of hurt. I thought you didn’t like us anymore.”

  My eyes shot to hers, and the second chicken strip dropped from my hands. “Are you serious?”

  “Yeah.” She stabbed at more of her lettuce. “I mean, you avoid us sometimes. I know you’re comfortable being alone, but I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder, you know? Like, did we do something, or are you upset with us, or something like that.” Her eyes glanced away.

  She thought she was the reason I stayed away.

  She thought she was the one who wasn’t good enough.

  I was an asshole.

  I shook my head and reached over to squeeze her hand. “I have trust issues, and I let them have too much power over me. I’m sorry. You’ve never done anything. It’s the opposite. I don’t feel good enough to be your friend.”

  A sheen of tears rested on the underside of her eyelids. “No. No. Never. Why would you ever think that?”

  I shrugged, pulling my hand back and tucking it on my lap. “Because some really bitchy and catty girls made me think that my senior year of high school.”

  “They were jealous.”

  Those words came out so strong. She was so sure of it. Hope rose in me, just a little bit, but I held it in check. Maybe. Maybe not. Those girls really did hate me. I had a hard time believing it was all because of jealousy.

  She was waiting for me to respond, and I gave her a half-hearted grin. “Maybe.” My throat was swelling. Topic change, please. “Let’s talk about how we can get Sarah, Laura, and Casey to make up.”

  That was what we did for the rest of our lunch, but when we left and I headed for my second class, I felt a heaviness on my shoulders. It settled there once she started talking about Casey, and it only intensified when we realized both of us thought we weren’t good enough for the other. I thought it would’ve lifted once the conversation switched, but it didn’t. It grew lighter, but it was still there.

  Or maybe it was Carruthers, because as we walked out of the cafeteria, a bunch of guys began chanting, “Dick Crusher.” Some students were confused but others started laughing. I saw a few heated expressions and felt a similar experience as James from class.

  I went a little faster.

  If I heard comments like that, I’d have to engage, and I was suddenly so tired. I didn’t want to constantly battle every d
ay, every hour, but the video made me a target.

  I walked into my second class’s building, and more guys were heading out. They whipped around, recognizing me.

  “Hey!” one shouted at me.

  Veering through a group of short hallways, I took different turns until I lost them. Whatever he had to say wasn’t going to be congratulatory. I could sense it.

  Once I was sure they left, I stopped around a corner and let out a shaky breath. I clutched my bag to my chest.

  This was going to be harder than I thought.

  There were ten minutes until my next class. I liked to get there early and go over the day’s notes. Sarah and Laura’s mental day excuse was sounding like a good idea.

  I was still weighing the idea. To skip or not? To fight other assholes in my class, if they were in there or . . . I felt my phone in my pocket. I could go to Shay’s right now. Even if he wasn’t there, he’d probably let me hide in his room.

  I snorted.

  I used to hate the guy, and somehow he’d become my refuge.

  No. I stepped back into the hall. No matter where I’d go, or how long I hid, they’d be there. I’d have to deal with them at some point.

  I went to class.

  Shay met me at the back door.

  I texted him when I was walking up the driveway, and I’d taken one step onto the patio before the door opened. He stood there, wearing those same sweatpants that rode sinfully low on his hips. He had a shirt on, barring the view that I knew was there, and ran a hand through his hair. He gave me a crooked grin. “Have you had dinner yet?”

  He moved back, and I stepped inside.

  We were close, and he brushed against me, reaching around to close the door. I started to shake my head, but as he touched me, other sensations were already overriding the tightness in my stomach. That second class had been okay, but there were two assholes with smart comments. I sniped back, but I hadn’t shut them up. I only pushed off another verbal attack that would probably come Wednesday. And because I knew Shay would be able to pick up something was wrong, I lingered in my dorm room a couple hours before coming over. He had practice anyway.

  “Kennedy?”

  “What?” He asked me something. What was it? “Oh! Um. No.”

  His hand touched my hip, and I almost closed my eyes. Right there, that small touch gave me some extra strength. When had this happened? Where I needed him outside the bedroom, too? It was an unnerving thought, and I shook it off like I did when things got to be too much.

  “I could make you something in the kitchen.”

  He was studying me as he made the suggestion, and seeing the small panic I felt at the thought of seeing his roommates, seeing Linde, he added, “Or we can order in.” That’d be better. I relaxed, and then he had one last suggestion. “Or we can study a while and head out for a bite as a study break.”

  I tapped his chest, enjoying his firm muscles there. “That sounds like a winner.”

  “The last?”

  I nodded.

  The close proximity, his hand on my waist, how he was gazing down at me—my ability to breathe was suffering. My finger was still touching his chest, and I flattened my palm there. A soft chuckle came from him, reverberating against my hand. “Or we can do something else before studying?”

  A short laugh caught in my throat. We both knew where this was going. It was part of the reason I came over. I just didn’t think it’d be the first thing that happened, though it made sense. Get it out of the way so we could clear our heads and be productive afterward.

  Neither of us wasted words.

  Shay took my hand, led the way up to his room, and once that door was closed, we were on each other. He tugged me against him, his mouth on mine, and we stood like that, kissing. Slowly, he dragged his lips from me, but he pressed me back against the door. He lifted his head. “We’re not going to get much studying done.”

  “Yes, we will.” I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him back down. “Just not right now.”

  “We’re getting this out of the way.” He nipped my lips with his.

  I nodded and gasped. “You read my mind.”

  He groaned, opening his mouth even more over mine. His tongue swept in, exploring me, and there were no more words. I grabbed ahold of his neck and began to lift up. He bent, caught me under my legs, and lifted me the rest of the way. He held me, suspended in the air, and pressed me back against the door. We continued to kiss. I don’t think I’d ever get tired of his kisses.

  His lips. His mouth. How he used his tongue.

  I melted even more, and he shifted me closer against him, stepping back from the door. His hand left my leg for a second. The sound of a lock barely registered in the back of my head, and then we were on his bed.

  My shirt came off first.

  His shirt was next.

  My bra.

  I unsnapped his jeans.

  Mine.

  Then his hand moved between my legs, and he pushed a finger inside. I stopped kissing, just a moment, and arched my back. I bared my neck to him, and he groaned, his mouth falling there and tasting me.

  A second finger moved in.

  He paused. One second, then he began moving in and out. He was building up a rhythm. I could only hold on as he assaulted me there, and then my neck with his mouth, my chest, my breast, my other breast. He moved all the way down my stomach, still working his fingers, and I was riding them. I was clenching, my head thrown back on his bed, and I was trying not to scream.

  He lowered his lips, resting right over where his fingers were thrusting.

  “Kennedy.” A soft beckon from him.

  I looked down, saw the wicked grin, and widened my eyes. What was—he pulled his fingers out and kissed me there. His tongue slid inside, and my entire body clenched over the sensations. God. His tongue was moving in and out. He was circling me, sliding back in, and he continued.

  My lungs were being constricted. I wanted to reach down, grab his head, and move against him. The need was so powerful, I grabbed fistfuls of his blanket.

  I held on, forcibly holding myself back.

  “Shay.” I was panting.

  The pressure was building. I was nearing a climax, and I didn’t know if I could handle it. He was making me hurl over it before I was ready. He wouldn’t slow down. His tongue kept working, and then he began rubbing at my nub, and that was it. It was like my body crashed over the edge, and the tremors took over, wracking my body.

  Shay lifted his head, but his fingers went back in me. They were slow and tender. He was helping ease the shaking, and I reached down, grasped his wrist, but I didn’t stop him. Our eyes caught and held, our faces were so close.

  I never had a guy do that to me, and it made me feel as if I were stripped and bare to him. I never felt naked to him, even when my clothes were off, but I felt raw right now.

  His eyebrows dipped together briefly. “You okay?”

  My air was still stuck in my throat, so I nodded. “Yeah.” I swallowed. “I’ve never had someone do that before.”

  A tenderness came over him again, and his grin softened. “You haven’t?” His fingers slid out of me, and a warm glow spread over my body. It washed down my spine, through every arm and leg, even down to my toes and fingers. I was tingling, like an out-of-body experience just happened.

  I laughed at that thought. Talk about an ego-booster.

  “What are you laughing about?” He stretched back up over me, gazing down.