Adrianne’s head dropped against the glass of the window with a dull thud. First, denial. Now, wanting to eat her feelings. Maybe she needed an appointment with Melanie, her sister the shrink.
As she sat there, Adrianne felt shame rush through her as she recalled how completely she’d fallen apart on the stairs when Connor had come after her. She’d spent the past two months trying to convince Connor that she was over what had happened between them. Only now, he’d know differently.
Where would they go from here? At the start, she’d made it clear to him that she’d known why he was apologizing, and that she was accepting his apology for the same reason. But his apology moments ago had sounded much more sincere. And the fact that he didn’t expect her to forgive him told her that he did understand how badly he’d hurt her. Of all the guys she had liked on and off throughout high school up to that point, none had held the power to hurt her the way he had. Because rather than just admire him from a distance, as she had done with the other boys, they’d become friends, and that had felt like a pretty solid foundation for the feelings she’d had for him back then. Only he hadn’t returned those feelings and apparently hadn’t needed her friendship either.
It had been pretty crushing to realize that not only did he not want to be seen with her as a girlfriend, he hadn’t even wanted to be seen with her as a fellow student, let alone a friend. She’d been too naïve to understand that most teenage boys still wanted the pretty girl. Well, maybe she’d understood it, but she’d let her heart tell her that Connor was different. Was it any wonder that to this day, she rarely trusted her own judgment when it came to men? And she trusted their motivations even less because in the back of her mind she’d always questioned whether or not they would have wanted to be seen with her if she’d still looked like she had in high school.
Adrianne wasn’t unaware of how she’d changed over the years. She’d worked hard to lose some weight after she’d graduated, and she had learned how to use makeup and to dress to flatter her body type. So while she knew that it had been her appearance that had kept the boys away when she was a teen, she’d always wondered if her appearance was what drew them to her now that she was an adult. And she didn’t want that. The more a man complimented her on her appearance, the less interested in him Adrianne became. In her case, flattery got men nowhere.
She knew her thinking was rather messed up, but the only person who had ever called her on it had been Hank. And maybe because of that, they were still friends. So where did that leave her? Wanting to be with a man who saw her for more than her appearance but never letting any man get close enough to see below the surface. Connor had been the first and only guy she’d truly let see beneath what she showed to the world.
But what was left for them now? Whatever they’d been forging over the past couple of months because of family ties was now gone. Adrianne just hoped that Connor hadn’t burned bridges with Alex because of what he’d revealed. For all that she’d hated Connor, the teenage boy, she found she didn’t wish ill on Connor, the man.
Which, in and of itself, was also kind of messed up.
18
What was even more messed up was that over the course of the next week, Adrianne found herself missing Connor. She knew he was still around. She spotted his car parked by the garage on a regular basis, but he no longer came to the house for meals, and she never saw him at the office. No one said his name or mentioned in passing what he might be doing. Not even Rebecca or Jordan. And yet, it didn’t seem that they were estranged from him, as neither of them seemed upset in the way they might have been if they were no longer in contact with him.
By Friday, Adrianne knew she was going to have to speak with someone about the Connor situation. She had just decided that it would be Melanie when there was a knock on her office door. Kelsey stood there with a large bouquet in her hands.
“The guys at the gate said these were dropped off for you.” Kelsey came into the office and set them on her desk with a smile.
After Kelsey had left, Adrianne looked more closely at the bouquet and frowned. While the ones delivered previously had been an assortment of different flowers, this bouquet was all carnations. And definitely not as expensive as the previous bouquets. This one seemed more like the first bouquet a guy would send before working up to nicer ones as the relationship got more serious—not the other way around. As she sat staring at the flowers, a memory was triggered, and she got to her feet so that she could look down on the whole arrangement.
There were twelve carnations. Four white. Four red. Four pink.
There had only been one other time that she’d received a bouquet arrangement like this one. With a trembling hand, Adrianne reached out to pluck the card that she could now see tucked among the blossoms. It was actually a white envelope that was slightly larger than what was normally sent with bouquets. Her name was printed in black ink on the front of it. She set the envelope on the desk and stared at it, suddenly wary of the contents.
The flowers reminded her of a time just following the incident with Connor. A couple of weeks after their last conversation, a bouquet had arrived at her house. Not in a nice vase like this one, but wrapped in cellophane and left with a card on her front porch. That card had only had her name written on it, nothing more. She’d wondered if the flowers might be from Connor, but she couldn’t allow herself to hope. Mainly because he was still keeping his distance.
Anonymous flowers? Was there a more cowardly way of apologizing? Maybe he’d thought it would work, but she had needed to hear the words. See the remorse on his face. She needed to know that he was willing to admit that he had been wrong in how he’d treated her. If the words I’m sorry had been on the card, she would have found it in her heart to forgive him. Since there was nothing, however, she had been left to wonder who had given her the flowers.
Where Adrianne might once have saved at least one of each color to preserve the memory of her first bouquet, she’d chosen to dump all of the flowers into the garbage when they’d begun to die. After all, there was also a chance that they hadn’t been from Connor at all, so she would assume nothing.
But now…this bouquet was the same. Would the card reveal more than the one had years ago?
Adrianne didn’t have very positive feelings towards bouquets these days. Though she’d been envious of the ones Kelsey had been receiving, knowing that those bouquets had been the avenue through which the gunman had gained access to the Black Thorpe staff made those ones quite a bit less appealing.
“More flowers?”
Adrianne looked over at her door to see Alex standing there. “Yeah. Kelsey said they were dropped off at the gate for me.”
“Still anonymous?” Alex leaned over to look at them. “This arrangement isn’t quite as elaborate as the ones you received before.”
“I’m not sure if it’s anonymous.” She tapped the envelope. “Still, haven’t read the card. I’m a bit gun-shy given what the bouquets led to last time.”
“Want me to read it for you?” Alex asked.
Adrianne knew that this one was different from the others. And she also knew that everything was going to change once she opened and read the card. “I’ll open it. Eventually.”
Alex stared at the flowers then at her. “Are you ever going to talk to me about Connor?”
“Eventually?” The word should have been an answer, but instead it came out more as a question on whether he’d wait for her to do it in her own time. Adrianne was actually surprised that it had taken him this long to approach her about it all.
Alex settled into the chair in front of her desk and stretched out his legs, lacing his fingers over his abdomen. “He’s gone, you know.”
The statement was like a punch to the stomach, leaving Adrianne without words. She stared at Alex, trying to figure out if he was joking with her. At the very serious expression on his face, she sat back, her hand clutching the still unopened envelope. Her gaze went to the flowers before looking back at her broth
er. “When?”
“He flew out to Florida yesterday afternoon, and Rebecca heard just a few minutes ago that he was on his way to some place in Asia.”
Adrianne’s heart pounded painfully in her chest. “I thought he had retired.”
“He was. He is. But apparently, a former co-worker and his wife were kidnapped while overseas. They called him to help with their rescue.”
“So he’ll be back?” Adrianne didn’t know what she’d do if Alex told her that Connor was returning to his former profession.
“If all goes well.”
Adrianne swallowed hard against the nausea that stirred in her stomach. “And if all doesn’t go well?”
Alex’s expression hardened. “You know what it’s like in his line of work. We do the same thing—although to a much lesser degree. There are no guarantees. We just have to hope and pray that it will all go well.”
She nodded because she couldn’t speak. Emotion had tightened her vocal cords to the point where she didn’t think words would come even if she tried.
“Will it matter to you if something does happen to Connor?” Alex asked as he sat forward. “And not because of how it will affect Rebecca, Jordan and those of us who consider him a friend. Will it matter to you?”
Adrianne’s shoulders slumped, and she looked again at the flowers, hearing Connor’s voice as he’d looked at her with more emotion than she’d ever seen from him before. I’m not going to ask you to forgive me, but I want you to know how sorry I am. Even though she’d always thought she wouldn’t be able to forgive him, Adrianne knew in that moment that she could. That she had.
The painful grip of emotion on her chest didn’t let up, but with that realization, the weight on her shoulders was suddenly gone.
“Yes.” Her voice was barely more than a whisper. “Yes, it will matter to me.”
And it did matter to her. A great deal. The thought of something happening to him literally hurt her heart.
“Then I’ll send you his email address. Maybe you need to let him know that.”
Adrianne looked at her brother. “Is there a way I can call him?”
“You can, but from what Rebecca said, he won’t answer, and he rarely checks his personal phone and email messages while on a mission. He can’t afford to be distracted by anything. So if you call him, you’ll just have to leave him a message.”
“Okay. Send me both his email address and phone number.” She had no idea what she was going to do with them, but she felt like she needed to let him know that even though he hadn’t asked her to, she had forgiven him for what had happened so many years ago.
“I know what happened between you and Connor in high school was horrible. And if you’d told me about it back then, I probably would have beaten him up. But with age comes perspective and wisdom, and, as you know, I have my own story of young man stupidity. I am confident that Connor has changed. Or rather he, like me, had a momentary lapse in judgment. I think he was a good guy back then just like he is now. From the conversation I had with him about this, I know he genuinely regrets what happened and that he really did view you as a friend and maybe something more.”
“Something more?” Adrianne was sure that Alex had no idea what he was talking about.
“I think it was something he came to realize after the fact.” Alex got to his feet. “From what he told Rebecca and me, I would dare say that he has suffered greatly because of the words he said back then too.”
Adrianne watched as her brother turned and left her office, closing her door as he went. Once she was alone, she looked down at the envelope she still clutched in her hands. Taking a shaky breath, she slipped a finger underneath the flap and unsealed it. Though Adrianne had been expecting a card, it was a folded paper that she pulled out of the envelope. She hesitated just a moment before opening it and reading the words written there in Connor’s bold penmanship.
Adrianne ~ These words by Elizabeth Barrett Browning are what I should have said to you that day you asked me to the dance because they were the truth. One that I came to realize after the fact.
“You have touched me more profoundly than I thought even you could have touched me - my heart was full when you came here today. Henceforward I am yours for everything.”
Beyond sending you some flowers anonymously, I was too cowardly back then to let you know how sorry I was for hurting you. It was only when I was suddenly missing your smiles, laughter, and sunshine that I realized the magnitude of what I’d done. I’d never again see you glance sideways at me, your blue eyes sparkling, and the corner of your mouth turning up ever so slightly. Or how you’d suddenly lift your head to look at me, a grin curving your lips at something I’d said. Or how you’d duck your head and push your glasses back into place when something embarrassed you. But most of all, I missed how our laughter mingled together and your eyes lit up with happiness as we shared something we both found hilarious.
I know I doused that light of happiness in you that day, and my actions unwittingly broke my own heart. I lost a friend and so much more that day. But worst of all, I made you believe things about yourself that just weren’t true. Any guy would be fortunate to have you at his side—then and now.
All I want for you is happiness. I hope that you can finally put the words I said to you that day from your mind and open your heart to love when it comes your way again. You deserve that and so much more.
~ Connor
The letters of his name blurred as a tear splashed onto the paper. Adrianne pressed the note to her chest as she struggled to take a deep breath. His words cut through the bands of pain that had held her captive for so many years. Then they soothed her aching heart, healing the wounds his old words had inflicted. Replacing the old hurt with hope.
Thank you, God. Thank you for bringing me peace in this situation. For allowing me to feel forgiveness for Connor even before knowing how he’d felt about me back then.
Adrianne lifted her head and managed to take a deep cleansing breath. As she sat there, words from an old hymn entered her thoughts.
My chains fell off, my heart was free.
That was truly how she felt at that moment. God had allowed the chains that had imprisoned her heart for so long to finally fall away. For the first time in forever, she felt free from the weight of the words that had haunted her for so many years. And now she needed to free Connor from that weight as well. She could tell from his letter to her that he was still punishing himself for what he’d said.
It had been long enough for both of them. The wounds of the past needed to be healed for her and for Connor.
With that in mind, Adrianne turned to check her email to see if Alex had sent her the information he’d said he would. When she found the email from him, she smiled at the words that followed Connor’s phone number and email address.
Praying you find the words to bring peace to both of you.
Even though she knew that Connor wouldn’t get her message until he had completed his mission, Adrianne needed to send it anyway. The moment he was able to put that assignment behind him, she wanted him to know that this particular conflict was also over.
~*~
Connor rubbed a handkerchief across his forehead to catch the sweat that kept trying to drip into his eyes. His eyes were dry and irritated by the contacts he was wearing, but sweat was not what he needed to lubricate them. Hopefully, he’d be on his way out of the humid heat of the southern Philippines soon. Not that where he was headed was any better.
As the taxi lurched to a stop outside the airport, Connor dug into his pocket for enough money to pay the driver. He felt like making a comment about the fact that the air conditioning hadn’t worked so he deserved a discount, but he resisted the urge and made his way through the throngs of people to the airport entrance. It felt wrong to leave part of the team behind while he and two others headed for the Middle East, but they all felt the urgency in locating the missing couple sooner rather than later. That meant that while some were heading
into Indonesia and Malaysia to follow leads there, Connor and two others were traveling to the other side of the globe.
He took a few minute to slip into a nearby washroom and then into a stall. Once there, Connor removed the contacts and dropped them into the toilet. Then he took wipes from his bag and used them to remove the layer of darkening makeup from his face, hands and arms. When he was sure that his skin had returned to its normal shade, he switched his outfit, pulling on the suit he’d tucked into his bag earlier that day.
It had been waiting for him yesterday when he’d arrived at his hotel after he’d taken a boat ride from the southernmost part of the Philippines to a major city and then taken another flight from there. Today would be his second day of travel as he made one more short hop in the Philippines before he headed out of the country to his next destination.
He took a minute to comb his hair into place then rolled his other clothes tightly before putting them in his bag. Once Connor was sure he’d left nothing behind, he flushed the toilet and left the stall. He put the wipes into a nearby trash and after a quick glance in the mirror, he left the washroom a completely different man than the one he’d been when he walked in.
As he passed through security with his forged documents, Connor felt no fear or apprehension. He’d been doing this for so long that the confidence with which he handed over his fake passport wasn’t an act. For the duration of this flight, he was Denton Wyatt Robertson, a businessman with interests in Asia and the Middle East.
His dark hair and brown contacts, along with the skin darkening makeup, had allowed Connor to move with relative ease through Asia over the past week. Unfortunately, it hadn’t been enough to get them the definitive information they had needed. Reports had come in that the couple they were trying to rescue had been moved from the southern part of the Philippines by boat. What had been unclear was their final destination.
Connor had to wonder why Jace had chosen to come to Asia with his wife in the first place. Jace had done work in the region so there was always a risk that someone would recognize him. Which meant they were unsure whether they had been a random target or a planned one. It was the latter one that had the rescuers most concerned and was the reason that three of them were heading for the Middle East. The intelligence they’d received—though not great—had held enough credibility that Max, their team leader, had decided to split the team up.
Beauty from Ashes: A Christian Romance (BlackThorpe Security Book 5) Page 23