Hell Inc.

by C. M. Stunich

  “Look, I'm sorry my wish made you do something against your will and all, but I mean, you had my charred remains in your house anyway. Don't you think that's a little weird?” She stuck her lip out and whirled around, face twisting in disgust when she stepped in the widening puddle of my blood. It was rather gruesome, and I had to turn my face to keep from being ill. It was my corpse after all; I had a right to be disturbed.

  “All Helena brought me was a pile of ashes. She said you were needed for something. I was just considering it. And it's not weird to have someone's ashes. People keep them all the time.” I watched as she leaned down and picked up my severed head. Her nose wrinkled. “Though I don't know what I'm going to do with this. I really like living here, and I got this condo for a steal.” She glanced back at me, irritation still plain on her face. “Thus, the favor to Helena.” Great. At least I knew we were talking about the same woman.

  “Well, isn't there something else that you can do?” I asked her, trying to keep my voice pleasant just in case she had some other trick up her sleeve. “I mean, I kind of need to be alive again.” If I didn't get myself back into a body soon, it was onto the next world for me, and I wasn't sure that I was really ready for that. The thought just made me pissed, so I pushed it down and tried to school my lips into a smile. It wasn't easy.

  The necromancer eyed me warily and put my head back down next to my body.

  “What are you going to do for me?” she asked, straightening and turning back to face me. It was at that moment when I met her eyes that I realized that I was completely and utterly wrong about one thing. This person was no girl; she was old. Far older than me. I could tell from the depths of her eyes. I guess 3rd Century Realty did specialize in condos for retirement ... This girl was really a spinster. Albeit a peach skinned, wrinkle free one.

  “What do you want?” I asked, hoping it was something that was in my, or rather Diamokina's power to give. The necromancer grinned, her pale lips pulling back to reveal square, straight teeth.

  “Oh, I'm sure that I can come up with something.”

  Something was an incredibly generous supply of shoes. And when I say generous, I mean a myriad, a plethora, a smorgasbord, a veritable feast of shoes in all sizes, shapes, colors. It was a rather ridiculous thing to see a girl, sorry, woman, rolling about in fits of giggling in a mammoth pile of footwear. “Hey Marji,” I said, using the name the elf had introduced herself to us as. “I don't mean to be rude, but can we please get on with this? I've got less than ... ” I leaned out of her bedroom door so that I could see the black and white Felix clock on the wall. His creepy yellow eyes watched me with hungry intent while his belly told me it had been thirty hours since my first death. I shivered, both at the clock and the impending deadline. “Eighteen hours until I pass over.”

  Marji ignored me, holding one decidedly hideous pink Ugg boot to her face and rubbing on it. She sighed in pleasure and then squealed, abruptly dropping the boot and exchanging it for a pair of orange flip-flops with daisies. Marji rubbed her face on the soles while Diamokina and I watched, bemused.

  “I thought the whole elf/shoe thing was made up?” I asked, examining her. Her tall stature, pointed ears, and beautiful alien face were more like Lord of the Rings elf than leave out the milk and cookies at the cobblers type of elf. She snatched an azure slingback against her breast and glared at me.

  “What are you talking about? It is made up. I just like shoes.” She gave the pile one last fond glance before rising to her knees with a groan.

  “Gods, I'm getting too old for this.” Marji waded painstakingly slowly through the mound towards her closet. She forced the door open only to be rained upon by more shoes. I'd heard of shoe addictions before. Heck, Erin had a shoe addiction, but this? This was madness. I glanced over at Dia, but she was too busy reading another bizarre looking magazine with two naked women on the front. I neglected to ask.

  Marji let out an, “Aha!” before diving beneath the pile and reemerging with a tiny, emerald green box. It looked like the type of box that might hold a diamond engagement ring. I only hoped what was inside mine was half as nice. Marji tossed it to me, and I caught it against my breasts. I was surprised it hadn't passed through my hands. She winked at me.

  “It's not of this world, either. Don't worry. You can use it as long as you concentrate.” She grasped the edge of the closet door and made a halfhearted attempt to close it before turning back to her flooded room and surveying it with pride.

  I left her and Diamokina and walked down the hall, fondling the box as I went. It was only because I was so intent on figuring out how to open it that I neglected to see him standing in front of me.

  I might have bumped into Levie's broad chest had I been alive, but instead, I walked right through him. It was disturbing to say the least. I came out the other side, gasping at the sight of his beating heart right in front of me. I'd also lost the box. I stepped back several paces, trying not to let the horror show on my face.

  Levie turned around and handed the box back to me in silence. I took it from him slowly and backed another step, almost running over my own body. He stared down at it sadly, face twisted in pain.

  “Ginger,” he said, his deep voice warming me and giving me an unbearable urge to throw myself at him. God, I made myself sick sometimes. He tricked me. He tricked me after I'd trusted him.

  “What do you want, Levie?” I'd meant it to sound menacing, angry, but it came out more like a pained whisper. What the hell was wrong with me? He took a step forward, but I didn't want to be any closer, whether he could touch me or not.

  “I'm sorry.” It was all he said. It was almost enough. I was tired, scared, and completely out of my league. I needed someone to lean on, metaphorically speaking, through all of this. I wanted him. I looked up at his face, the words in the contract burned into my mind. Bound together for this life and the next. I shivered and turned away.

  What he did was wrong. No, it wasn't just wrong; it was downright creepy. I turned my head back around slightly and watched him out of the corner of my eye. He was staring at my body, the corners of his pulled down in a melancholy frown.

  “I want to forgive you because God knows, I do need help, but I don't know about all of this, Levie,” I said, standing there feeling miserable. “You basically tricked me into marrying you, and I mean, we haven't known each other for that long and all ... ” Levie stepped forward and gripped my shoulders, leaning down so his warm breath was against my ear. I was too shocked by the fact that he was touching me to protest.

  “There is no other choice for me. We do not get to make mistakes in this department. I get one chance and one chance only.” I gave him a look, hoping to convey my feelings. I pushed him away, my hands meeting his warm chest, and turned around.

  “Then why did you waste it on me? You didn't even like me that much.” But as soon as I said it, I knew that it wasn't true. He did like me. He just didn't show it in the same way most people did. At least he admitted his feelings for you earlier. You haven't even admitted yours to yourself.

  “Stupid girl.” This was said with a deep affection that I felt down to my bones. “I've made my decision. I've chosen you. You can choose to live with me or leave me, it is your decision, but I have no other. At least give me a chance to help you through this. If you decide you do not want me, I will leave you alone and you may live out the rest of this life, and the next, on your own terms.” My heart, or at least the transparent version of it, leapt in my chest, and I turned around with a start.

  “You mean that?” I asked suspiciously. I wanted his help with the mess this life had become, and he was offering it with no strings attached. Levie shrugged his broad shoulders and unbidden, a memory of him naked popped into my head. It took only one glance down at my severed head to snap back into reality, but the decision was already made. “Okay, you can stay. But no lovey-dovey stuff unless I say. Got it?” Levie nodded and cast a glance over his shoulder as Marji and Dia made their way slo
wly down the hallway.

  Marji was holding her scythe out in front of her, and Dia just looked bored and lazy, as usual.

  “Who are you?” she spat, distrust clear in her voice.

  “He's with me,” I answered before she decided that Levie needed to join me face down and headless on the carpet. “He's my, uh, caseworker.” The word had a strange ring to it now that I knew the full meaning. Marji nodded and slammed the base of her weapon into the carpet.

  “You could have told us that you were expecting someone.” I glanced back at Levie who had his usual scowl plastered across his face. The two of them were never going to get along. But Marji had brought up a valid point. I hadn't been expecting him.

  “How did you find me?” I asked, trying to draw Levie's attention away from Dia who was circling him like a shark and licking her lips. He turned his eyes back to me and stretched his wings.

  “You are my mate.” This was all he said, and it was said with a tone that made me think he felt I should understand the subtleties behind it. I raised one eyebrow but decided not to delve any further. I didn't even want to know. I didn't want to start thinking of him as a stalker. That would make the whole thing even creepier.

  “Can anyone tell me how this whole ghost thing works?” I asked, holding up the box. “One minute, I can touch something. The next, I'm seeing people's beating hearts when I walk through them. What the hell?” Marji gave me a look that reminded me of Levie. It was the kind of look that said, 'Why are you so stupid, haven't you figured that out yet?'

  “It's all about intent. As a Guardian, if you haven't figured that out yet, it usually means you're dead.” I stared at her and wondered if she really thought that was an appropriate joke. She giggled and then stopped when she realized nobody else was joining in. Marji returned my look with an angry one of her own. “Oh, come on! You know that a genie only has as much power as its master.” She tilted her head at Dia for emphasis. “You think she could summon that many designer shoes for me if you weren't a powerful Guardian? Puh-lease! I didn't mean any insult, get over yourself.” Marji threw up her hands and stomped from the room in a miniature temper tantrum. I looked at Levie, but he wasn't offering any more information. Rather, he was staring at my corpse again.

  “Stop that,” I snapped, feeling suddenly protective of the empty shell. “Marji says this will help.” I held up the box so that Levie could see, but he looked just as curious as I was to see what was inside.

  “What is it?” he asked, directing his question towards the kitchen and the stomping, cabinet slamming Marji.

  “It's a monkey's paw. I bought it a long, long time ago. It's still good, though.” She went back to her cabinet slamming, ignoring the fact that there were three unknown strangers standing in her living room. Levie bristled, his wings raised aggressively and a growl escaped his throat.

  “No. I will not allow her to use that foul thing.” He stepped forward, hand extended as if he planned on taking the box from me. I held it back protectively and looked to Dia for help.

  “Marji says she can't raise her, and I can only do so much in one day. We're three wishes down, and I haven't even had a nap or a martini. Give it a shot and if it doesn't work, I'll come up with something.” As my genie, I thought she could have been a little more supportive but apparently, it doesn't work that way. I gave Levie a begging glance. I wanted to trust his judgment in this, but we also needed a quick fix. I was running out of time.

  “You said you were going to try to renegotiate with your uncle. So unless you have an alternative ... ?” He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

  “I could not locate him and we are short on time. This is why I came to find you. I was hoping you truly did have another alternative as you had said. Your genie should be able to help you.” He gave Dia one of his famous glares. She rolled her shoulders and yawned.

  “I tried. But that idiot elf cut her fucking head off. What do you want me to do? Ginger's low on magic. We both need time to rest before I can pull another rabbit out of the proverbial hat, okay? Just try the damn paw.” Levie looked at me and then nodded grudgingly. I took it as a yes.

  The box was certainly nicer than the object I found when I opened it. It stank to high hell and made my nostrils flare, a mistake considering that just let in more of the fetid meat odor. It was black, wrinkled, smelt like a dead fish and looked less like a monkey's paw than what I had expected, but I was trying to take Marji's word for it. Levie's look of disgust wasn't helping much either.

  “Are you sure this is going to help me? Or am I going to end up in even more deep shit than I already am because this whole wishing thing is starting to feel like one big, endless scam.” Marji sauntered back into the living room, chewing on a granola bar and ignored my rant. She waved a hand dismissively.

  “Just listen to me. I know what I'm doing. I'm a necromancer.” I didn't really believe that necromancer equated to good at just about everything, but I let her think her own thoughts.

  “Fine. Just tell me what to say.” She raised her eyebrows at me.

  “How should I know?” I balked at her.

  “You just said that you knew what you were doing?” She shook her head at me.

  “No. I know the monkey paw will work. I know it can help you. But I'm not a wish scribe. The last of those died out several hundred years ago. Their services weren't in high demand. Go figure.” I scowled at her and turned back to Levie.

  “I will assist you. May I have a writing implement and a piece of paper?” Marji frowned and spit a chocolate chip into her hand. She looked at the wrapper on the granola bar and then tossed it into a wastebasket at her feet.

  “You're not very well trained but yeah, I guess you must have some experience from being on the job.”

  “Wow, Marji. In our short time together, did I ever tell you how comforting you can be?” She smiled at me. “That wasn't a compliment.” She shrugged again, and I resisted an urge to shake her. Dia sat quietly and sipped some more wine, offering nothing in the way of words of wisdom. It was probably a good thing since I didn't know how much more I could take.

  “Fine. I'll get the pen and paper, but if I were you, I'd have the genie do it.” I ignored her and studied the mass of dried meat while I waited. I noticed the monkey's paw had only two intact fingers. That meant just two chances to get this right. Ticktock, Ginger, ticktock. I touched the withered black flesh reverently. A contract with the Devil, a Genie, and now this. Oh well, you know what they say: third time's a charm.

  Marji was taking an inordinate amount of time locating stationery, and the silence in the room was becoming uncomfortable. I cleared my throat and tried to make small talk.

  “So, what happened to the sphinx?” Levie frowned and shrugged. More silence. Finally, Marji came back down the hall and slapped a pad of paper and a ballpoint pen against Levie's chest.

  “Can you hurry this up? I'm supposed to play bridge at a friend's house tonight.” Levie scowled and snatched the items from her. He sat down on one of her black bar stools and began to scribble. I looked at the couch longingly and concentrated on it. I just want to sit down. Dia interrupted my thoughts with a rather raucous belch and licked the cocktail olive that she'd pulled out of her new drink. I narrowed my eyes at her.

  “Do you have a drinking problem? I sure fucking hope not because the last thing I need is a drunk genie to babysit.” She hiccuped and gestured at me with her martini glass.

  “Don't be ridiculous. I'm perfectly fine.” She sloshed a mouthful of booze onto her heaving, orange breasts and hiccuped again. I rolled my eyes and reached a hand up to rub my forehead. It smelt like rotten meat, and I ended by dry heaving again. Marji chuckled.

  “I told you being dead sucks. You never really realize how much vomiting helps certain situations.” Levie was doing his best to ignore the three of us, but I could see from the tension in his jaw that he was annoyed. I hoped most of it wasn't reserved for me.

  “Monkey paws are notoriously c
ruel. I beg of you ladies, please, be quiet so that I may concentrate.”

  “Ooooh! Ooooh!” Dia exclaimed, turning and balancing her ribcage on the back of the couch. “Don't forget to specify that her head is reconnected before her soul snaps back into place.” I felt my lip twitch involuntarily. This was so not going to work.

  “Why can't I use my Hell Inc. wishes?” Levie turned around in the chair and tapped the table with the pen.

  “I am sorry, Ginger, but we would need my uncle's help with that. As of right now, you are in contractual limbo.” He watched me for a long time, and I felt the force of his gaze like a weight. How did I feel about him? I needed to admit to myself that I was head over heels. That was the first step. The second step was coming to terms with what he had done. I had signed the contract though. I could've read it. I'd had plenty of chances to do so. That, at least, was my fault. But I still wasn't going to breed little demon babies. That was never going to happen. Never.

  Levie turned back around and resumed his writing. I meandered around my body and approached the love seat. I stared at it for several moments and imagined how soft and relaxing it would feel to sit down. When I tried, I fell right through it. Dia and Marji both laughed hysterically, and I avoided looking at Levie. How embarrassing. I gave up and stayed sitting partially in the couch. At least my head was sticking out as well as my arms, clutching the monkey's paw.

  When a knock at the door came, I expected Marji to ignore it. When a person's got a beheaded corpse not three feet from their welcome mat, they ought to consider pretending not to be home. This didn't occur to the elf.

  She opened the door a crack before even inquiring who was outside of it. Helena shoved her way in without being invited and froze, pupils dilating instantly at the scent of so much blood.

  “What the fuck?” She looked from the genie, to Levie, to my floating head and then down at my corpse. She then turned her attention to Marji. “What the fuck?” Marji shrugged.