Me You Us

by Aaron Karo

  She looks at my smoothie. “Why is it brown?”

  “I don’t know,” I say. “I thought it would be orange.”

  “How does it taste?”

  “Honestly, it’s the best thing I’ve ever had in my entire life.”

  Jak smiles.

  “What’s yours?” I ask.

  “Jicama honey basil.”

  “Gross. And?”

  “I don’t even know what jicama is, but this is so good I want an IV directly in my bloodstream.”

  “Basically, they should close the gym part and just open up a chain of smoothie bars.”

  “I would invest,” Jak says.

  She sucks down half her smoothie in one go. She’s still wearing her headband, and it’s nice to see her without all that hair in her face for the first time in, well, probably years.

  “So,” Jak says, “let’s get down to business. I need all the dirt on Tristen. Tell. Me. Everything.”

  “Things are going well. You know, we haven’t had a conversation or anything about it, but I’d say we’re seeing each other.”

  “Oh I figured that.”

  “Well, that’s really everything.”

  Jak doesn’t say a word.

  “You want to know about her boobs, don’t you?”

  She shrugs.

  “I told you I don’t boob-touch and tell.”

  “Aha! So you have touched them!”

  “That’s not fair. You tricked me. Fine, yes, I’ve touched them.”

  “Well?”

  “Tristen is a very interesting, well-rounded person . . . who just also happens to have very well-rounded boobs.”

  “Ha! I need to tweet: ‘Shane Remains the Mane! #tristenaccomplished.’”

  “Don’t tweet that.”

  “What, you don’t want the world to know you’re dating the hottest girl in Kingsview?”

  “She’s also a good person.”

  Jak bursts out laughing. My face doesn’t change.

  “Oh,” Jak says. “You weren’t kidding.”

  “No, I wasn’t kidding. You think I’m that superficial?”

  “Um, yeah.”

  “Well I’m not. Tristen is cool.”

  “This is the same Tristen Kellog who writes about jeggings in the Chronicle?”

  “Yes. Why? Do you not like her?”

  The million-dollar question.

  “I like her,” Jak insists. “But you promise you’re not just dating her because her body is both a temple and a wonderland? It’s like a temple in Wonderland.”

  “I promise.”

  I guess I feel a little better having asked Jak flat-out about Tristen, although I still don’t totally believe her. It’s strange; it’s not like Jak to be territorial. No one wants me to get over ­Voldemort more than she does. Maybe I’m looking too far into it.

  “I’m just watching out for you, Chambliss,” she says. “You’re a boy, so you have a brain the size of a pea.”

  “Yeah, maybe like a really big pea.”

  “Good one,” she says sarcastically. And then she polishes off her smoothie.

  “What about you?” I ask. “What’s going on with Adam? Spill it.”

  “You know, we’re hanging out. He seems all right.”

  “Come on, Jak, don’t get shy on me now. Details.”

  “Well,” she says, “he complains a lot, which I can appreciate. He’s really tall, which I like. I mean, he wears these ­stupid-looking glasses that someone must have told him looked good.”

  Ouch. “I think they’re hip,” I offer.

  “Nothing is hip if you have to say, ‘I think they’re hip.’”

  Fair enough.

  “But besides that, I dig him,” she says.

  “I’m surprised, Jak. Usually you can come up with more flaws than just a pair of glasses.”

  “What can I say? I’m getting soft in my old age.”

  “Have you . . . hooked up?”

  I’m surprised by how nervous I am to hear the answer to this question.

  “Maybe we kissed or whatever.”

  Hmm. There you have it. Reed is kissing Marisol. Adam is kissing Jak. I’m so proud of my clients. Well, more so Reed. I’m not sure how I feel about Jak and Adam yet. He’s right for her, but is he, like, perfect for her? I don’t know.

  “You promise you’re not hanging out with Adam just because you’re—”

  I catch myself.

  Jak is quick to pounce.

  “What were you about to say? Lonely? Desperate?”

  “No, no, no. Not at all.”

  “Wait, are you jealous?”

  “No!” I insist.

  “Because you’re the one who told me that guys talk about me with their penises out in the locker room.”

  I laugh, and this breaks the tension.

  “I know,” I say. “I didn’t mean anything like that. I was just being dumb.”

  I finish my smoothie.

  “I miss this,” Jak says. “You. Us. Sitting around talking about nothing. The last few months you’ve been like totally distracted. We need to do this more.”

  “I agree.”

  She reaches across the table and takes my hand. It’s an odd gesture, but it’s also really nice. We look at each other and smile—a smile only two best friends can share.

  “It feels so good,” Jak says wistfully, “to be holding the hand that touched Tristen’s boobs.”

  I grab my hand back. “Come on, Jak.”

  She cackles.

  “I’m sorry, Chambliss, but—”

  “I know, I know. It was a perfect moment and you had to ruin it.”

  I shake my head. Jak is just so darn pleased with herself right now.

  “Hey, remember we were joking about going to one of these house parties before the school year is up?” I ask.

  “Yeah,” she says, “to drink a lot and make poor decisions. I remember.”

  “There’s gonna be a big kegger next week. We should go. If you’re feeling up to it.”

  “So a house full of alcohol and people being friendly?”

  “Yup, that’s basically the definition of a party.”

  “Shane, I know you usually don’t go to these things because—”

  “You get anxious and freak out.”

  “Exactly. And that’s pretty cool of you to have my back. But for you, I think I can handle one party. I’m game if you’re game.”

  “I’m game if you’re game.”

  “Then it’s settled,” Jak says. “We’re in. I’m kinda excited. Is someone gonna spike the punch? Does everyone put their keys in a fishbowl and go home with a stranger?”

  “If you’re going to a party in an eighties movie, then yes.”

  “What? I don’t know.”

  “It’s probably just gonna be a lot of standing around,” I say.

  Jak smiles at me.

  “Now that I can handle.”

  22

  IT TOOK A LOT OF pleading and a little subterfuge, but I managed to convince my parents to move this week’s Taco Tuesday from our house to Laredo Grill. They’re under the impression that I merely wanted to change things up a bit and check out a new restaurant, but of course I have ulterior motives. Mr. Kimbrough and Ms. Solomon are having a date here tonight, and I promised Mr. K. that I would be on hand should he need me. I told him that I would help him with Deb, but I have not copped to my other consulting duties and clients, nor have I mentioned the Galgorithm. He just thinks I’m good at giving friendly advice, and I plan on keeping it that way.

  There’s no shortage of Mexican food in Kingsview, and it seems Laredo Grill has chosen to differentiate itself by offering unnecessarily trendy spins on typical dishes and charging an arm and leg for them. I guess there’s demand out there for thirty-dollar grilled sea bass tacos, because the place is packed. While my parents are out of earshot, I talk to the hostess and request a specific table I see available. I want to be close enough to observe Bob and Deb, who are alread
y seated, but far enough away that I won’t be made.

  I rejoin my parents in the waiting area, but soon get a nice surprise: Hedgehog and Balloon have just finished dinner and are walking our way.

  “Shane! Hey!” Anthony says.

  The three of us exchange hugs and greetings. Anthony’s ­little spikes have been gelled flat—the executive Hedgehog look.

  “I want you to meet my parents. Mom, Dad, this is Anthony and Brooke, my friends from school.”

  They all shake hands. “It’s lovely to meet you,” Mom says.

  “Have you eaten here before?” Brooke asks.

  “First time,” Dad says.

  “You’re gonna love it,” Anthony says.

  “Is it a special occasion?” Mom asks.

  Hedgehog and Balloon gaze at each other lovingly.

  “It’s our eight-and-a-half-month anniversary,” they say simultaneously.

  “Aw, jinx,” Brooke says, and kisses Anthony on the nose.

  Mom thinks this is utterly adorable. My dad is too hungry to care.

  “I’m so sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Chambliss,” Anthony says, “but my dad is waiting to pick us up outside.”

  “No problem. It was great meeting you. Have a good night,” Mom says.

  “You too,” Brooke says.

  I take a moment to recognize that I’m standing with two of the most amazing couples I know. For all the hoops I jump through—and instruct my clients to jump through—that’s all anyone’s really looking for: a partner who gets you, who loves you unconditionally, and who’s always there to listen.

  “Aren’t they cute?” Mom says to my dad.

  “Blue-cheese enchiladas,” he replies. He’s now reading the menu and not paying attention.

  Hedgehog and Balloon exit and the hostess arrives to take us to our seats—but not the seats I requested. Our table is much farther from Bob and Deb than I would have liked, but before we sit down, I notice Deb get up and walk away. She’s wearing a flowery dress and heels; she came to play.

  “I’m gonna use the bathroom,” I say to my parents. “I’ll be right back.”

  “Have you thought about what you want to order?” Mom asks.

  “Mom, it’s Taco Tuesday. I want tacos.” I turn to my dad. “Wait, you’re not gonna take your shirt off, are you?”

  Dad shrugs, as if you never know.

  I leave our table, take the long way around the restaurant, and get to Bob. He’s wearing a button-down shirt and navy blazer, and is pulling it off nicely. I’m grateful I won’t have to take him to the mall for an episode of Extreme Makeover: Slovenly Man Edition. I double-check that my parents can’t see me from here.

  “Shane, you made it!” Mr. K. says.

  “I told you I would. How’s it going?”

  “So far, so good.” He dabs beads of sweat from his forehead with a cloth napkin. “Deb went to the restroom.”

  “Listen,” I say, “I can’t really see you well from where I’m sitting, so you’re pretty much on your own unless there’s an emergency. Do you have it under control?”

  “Yes. I think so. I mean, I could use all the help I can get.”

  What works on a high school girl might not work on a more sophisticated woman like Ms. Solomon, so I’ve been doing some research.

  “When Deb gets back,” I say, “look her in the eyes and ask her if she uses Latisse.”

  “Latisse? I don’t know what that is.”

  “But women do. It’s prescription eyelash lengthener. By asking her if she uses it, you’re indirectly complimenting her on having nice long eyelashes.”

  “Shane, you’re a genius.”

  “Nah, just a kid trying to help you out.”

  I manage to jet from Bob’s table just before Deb gets back from the bathroom and blows my cover. I take the long way around the other way and end up back at my parents’ table.

  “Did I miss anything?” I say.

  “Your father just ordered a very expensive cocktail,” Mom says.

  “Kathryn, enough. We’re having a nice dinner. When in Rome.”

  “I don’t think they had eighteen-dollar mojitos in Rome.”

  Dad considers this. “Then why don’t you split it with me?”

  “Sure. But it better be the best nine bucks I ever drink.”

  It’s always unsettling when my parents squabble in front of me, even if it’s good-natured.

  My mom turns to me. “You really couldn’t comb your hair? You look like you’re in an out-of-work boy band.”

  “Mom . . .”

  “Well, coming here was your idea,” she continues. “So are we celebrating something? How was your day? How was your week? Your mother needs some news about her favorite and, coincidentally, only son.”

  Crap. I’ve drawn too much attention to myself by insisting we take Taco Tuesday out on the road. I’m about to get grilled like the sea bass. I definitely don’t want to talk about Tristen.

  “Uh, actually, I was wondering if you guys could tell me the story of how you met.”

  My parents look at each other.

  “We met at a cocktail party,” Dad says. “You know that.”

  “Come on,” I say. “You were at the same college at the same time and you’re saying you didn’t meet until after you graduated?”

  My parents look at each other again. They have their own brand of telepathy, and my mom silently gives my dad permission to tell the real story.

  “Okay, fine,” Dad says. “Freshman year of college your mom was in an a cappella group. She had—and still has—a very beautiful voice. I was in the AV club. A real nerd, unlike the super-cool guy you see before you today. They were recording a CD, and I was the sound engineer. Me and your mom just hit it off.”

  “What’s a CD?” I deadpan.

  “Ha ha,” Mom says. “Just you wait. One day you’ll be old too.”

  “So you met recording an album? That’s the whole story?”

  “Well that’s how we met,” Dad continues. “After that we were just friends. Then we became best friends. And it wasn’t until five years later, after college, that we finally got together as a couple.”

  “At the cocktail party in New York,” I say.

  “Well,” Mom admits, “actually it was a rave.”

  I knew it!

  “But we were already best friends,” she says. “That’s just when we first . . . as you would say, hooked up.”

  “Gross, Mom.”

  “It’s what happened.”

  “I don’t understand. Why not tell people you met in college?”

  “Every married couple has a real backstory, which is usually pretty boring, and then the embellished version, which they tell everyone,” Mom says. “Back then we thought it was more romantic, you know, that we saw each other across the room at a party and fell in love. At least more romantic than meeting in a dingy sound booth in the basement of our dorm and then only getting together five years later. It was pretty anticlimactic in real life.”

  “And once you tell so many people the embellished version, you start to forget what really happened,” Dad adds. “But the fact is, I married my best friend.”

  He puts his arm around Mom and kisses her. After all these years, my parents are still looking at each other as affectionately as Hedgehog and Balloon do now.

  “Even though it all worked out for us, there’s a very valuable lesson I want you to take away from this story, Shane,” Mom says.

  “What’s that?” I ask.

  I think I already know the answer. It’s a tale about friendship, love, patience, and fate.

  “Don’t go to raves,” Mom says. “They’re very dangerous, and who knows what they put in those drinks.”

  Or that.

  23

  IT’S A COOL, STARLESS FRIDAY night. A little chilly for March, but pleasant nonetheless. One of the seniors on the baseball team is throwing a bash in his backyard. His yard is about half as big as mine, and is hemmed in by a wooden fence, so it se
ems pretty packed and loud for a gathering of fifty people. There are two kegs, a few tiki torches, a Jambox playing Top 40, and plenty of red Solo cups and ice. Meaning that in the scheme of parties I’ve been to, this is a real classy affair.

  I found out about the party through Tristen, who’s typically in the know about everything. She has a birthday party to attend first and is meeting me here in a bit. I dragged Jak here after she agreed to go and then tried backing out. She insisted on having two rum and Cokes at her house first to “calm her nerves,” and then we walked over together. Jak told Adam about the party, and he came separately. This is probably his first jock party but, hey, act like you belong somewhere and they’ll let you in. Rebecca is also here, shaking hands and kissing proverbial babies even as her presidential term begins to wind down. I’m sure Harrison invited her, though their status remains unclear. Harrison himself is lurking about somewhere, but I decided that if Jak can overcome her fears to show her face here, so can I.

  Currently Jak is holed up in the corner by one of the kegs, drinking another beer and making me keep her company. I pour myself one, too.

  “Guess what,” she says.

  “What?”

  “Today Ms. Solomon said we’re not gonna have any more pop quizzes for the rest of the year.”

  “Really? Nice.”

  “She was in a weird mood.” Jak leans in close to my ear. “I think she got laid. . . .”

  I silently pray that Jak is right and Mr. Kimbrough is responsible.

  Jak nods her head, as if confirming her own hunch. “Her hair looked different. I can tell.”

  Her breath reeks of booze.

  “Maybe you should slow down on the drinking a bit, champ,” I suggest.

  “Maybe you should slow down your face.”

  “That doesn’t make any sense.”

  Jak’s social anxiety has always straddled the line between clinical and her just being a weirdo. She does not like people, present company proudly excluded. Still, one on one, two on one, or even three on one she can manage, make conversation, and generally observe basic societal customs. But in any group larger than that, she can’t deal. She copes with it through denial, only hanging out with me, and, tonight, ­Malibu and Diet. Over the years I’ve gone to a few parties without Jak, but usually I bend over backward to keep our plans just the two of us. Tonight will be an interesting test.