Loosen Up

by Robin Leaf

  Stress was my middle name. My co-star and the current shooting schedule made it difficult to remain positive. Normally, I walk away from conflict, but I became so fed up with her unprofessionalism, I reacted. What’s worse is somehow, I was held responsible for her antics, like it was my job to hold the reigns on her inner demons. It was bad enough we had to work through our normal hiatus because Ms. Princess Diva had some “special project” (code for more plastic surgery) scheduled for the early fall. It killed me how the producers bent over backward to accommodate her needs. Her squeaky wheel got the grease, yet I was treated like the easily-replaceable tire.

  Charlie insisted it was all about attitude. She told me, “If you act like your shit doesn’t stink, you’ll be treated like royalty. Make them bend to your will, to want to please you. You need to release your inner diva, Darby.”

  “That is so not me, Chuck. I don’t like to play that game. I think that’s one of the reasons I connect with Riley. We’re both a couple of misfits in this business.”

  “Speaking of Riley, did you talk to him about getting away from that absolute snake of an agent?”

  “Yes, and he told me very nicely to shove it.”

  “That Charles Pickney is so unethical, he actually might be hurting Riley’s career. If it wasn’t for Riley, Prickney would probably be casting low-budget porn.”

  “That’s Riley’s problem. He’s loyal to a fault and probably doesn’t feel like he deserves better, I guess. He’s a square peg, like me.”

  She rolled her eyes and stood, moving around the desk to stand in front of me. “And that’s part of the problem. If you don’t believe you belong, how do you expect others to accept that you do?” She bent over and cupped my face. “Believe me, Darla Flurkey.” I flinched at my real name, because it told me she meant business. “You have more talent than most of these people. You have just as much right to be here as anyone.” She squeezed her palms against my cheeks. “Own it.”

  So I tried.

  I felt so fake. And it added to my stress.

  And it didn’t really work.

  Twenty Nine

  April 2016

  “Changes” – David Bowie

  Joe, Noah’s favorite bodyguard for large area situations, surveyed the scene. He looked kind of ridiculous. I mean, a ripped, 6’5”, 260 pound black man in the Happiest Place on Earth doesn’t exactly blend, even with the Goofy hat he donned. I almost grabbed his hand to make him look less like some weirdo giant and more like my large boyfriend, but I would have been publically reprimanded by the former drill sergeant.

  “We would have drawn less attention if we had brought Bryan,” I said quietly to Allison.

  “Bryan would have wanted to play, not protect,” Joe’s deep voice rumbled through me. Did I mention he had the hearing of a bat?

  “Well, can you at least look more like you’re having fun and less like you’re going to eat these kids.”

  “Lately, my diet is only smart-mouthed redheads.” He smiled for a nanosecond before the scowl returned.

  I had to laugh. Underneath all his intimidating mean-mugging, he really was a funny guy.

  Allison sighed wistfully again as yet another stroller passed. The parade, featuring the kids she trained for the movie releasing tomorrow, was about to begin on Main Street, USA.

  “Do you ever want to be a mother, Darby?”

  Talk about blindsided.

  “Seriously, you wait until we’re standing in the middle of Disneyland surrounded by screaming children, which I think is the actual inspiration for widespread birth control, to ask me that question?”

  Laughing, she bumped my shoulder with hers. “C’mon, you love kids, Darby. You’re great with Freddy’s girls. They love you.”

  “Freddy’s girls are eight and six and see me as the cool aunt who brings them presents three or four times a year. They love me because I bribe them.” I turned and looked toward street. “That’s not the same as being a parent.”

  “No, you’re right, it’s not.” She examined the scene. “I didn’t think I wanted to have kids, either. But now…” She shrugged. “I don’t know.”

  Truth was I never thought I wanted kids. I felt my lifestyle was not conducive to parenting.

  But lately, I’d wondered. I wanted more from life. I guess I was growing up.

  I was about to respond when the parade started.

  I watched Allison hoot and holler, so proud those kids and all they’d accomplished.

  She had a much different experience working with these children than I had working with the ones in my movie. As she came home talking about them each day, I watched her grow attached.

  Truth was she’d make a fantastic mother.

  Honestly, I knew I would, too. She’d be the ordered one to give them structure, and I’d bring the spontaneity, fun, and creativity.

  Problem: kids were a lifetime commitment.

  A commitment to Allison.

  Something I’d been avoiding: commitment… to her.

  I couldn’t squelch her dream, her need to be a mom. I just needed to decide if I was meant to be a part of that journey.

  Or if it meant I should walk away.

  ~~~

  June 2016

  We’d been discussing babies casually for a couple of months, just errant thoughts and silly ideas, where words like “maybe” and “someday” were tossed around.

  However, the talks turned way more serious once Allison and I returned from a visit to see her brother. Baby fever was only solidified when we saw her brother’s brand new baby in the hospital. She got a whiff of that new-baby smell, and she was a goner.

  Honestly, I was, too.

  Her excitement was contagious. The mutual want to have a child actually brought us closer. I got so wrapped up in the idea of having a baby, I forgot my reservations of why it probably wasn’t a good idea.

  We’d finally decided we were ready.

  “So, we agree to try a fertility doctor, and adoption will be the backup plan.”

  I was actually excited, if a little nervous. I paced and nodded at her.

  “You don’t need to worry, Darby. It shouldn’t take long. The Carlisle’s have always been fertile myrtles.”

  A small wave of panic hit me, wondering how well our decision would be received. I knew my mom would be ecstatic, but I wasn’t sure about the other people in my life. I didn’t want to be talked out of it or have anyone to answer to if things didn’t go our way.

  Wringing my hands, I asked, “Can we not tell anyone our decision just yet? Just until we come up with a plan.”

  She stood from the couch and crossed the room to stand in front of me, halting my pacing. “I was actually going to ask you the same thing.” She caressed my face. “It’s like it’s just something for the two of us to share right now.”

  I smiled, but then, it faded because I wasn’t sure how she would take what I had to ask next. “Hey, um, Babe? Can you promise me something?”

  “Anything,” she replied swiftly.

  “Do you promise to not let this get in between us? Can you promise me we will enjoy this whole process and not let it consume us?”

  She stepped up to me and placed her hands on my cheeks. “Absitively.” She kissed me chastely. “Promise me you will remind me of this promise if I start to get a little crazy. Rein me in if I get to be too much?”

  I chuckled and kissed her. “Posolutely.”

  ~~~

  I opened the door to Charlie’s office without knocking. “Allison wants us to have a baby,” I announced. Yeah, I know we agreed we were going to keep it quiet, but I needed another perspective. Charlie was a no-nonsense chick, so I knew she would tell it to me straight.

  “What the hell, Darby? You just walk in my office and drop a bomb like that? That seems like the kind of news you work up to, not just blurt.”

  “Sorry.” I sat down heavily in her chair. “I needed to talk about it to a female, and you’re on the short list of people I
trust. The rest on that list are men who carry guns, Riley, Jase, or my mom. I love my mom, but I’d rather not go there yet.”

  She nodded. “Yeah, I can see why that’s a conundrum.”

  “And as my agent-slash-publicist, I figured you needed to know anyway.”

  “So,” she sat back in her chair and crossed her hands across her stomach, “talk.”

  “You know me, Chuck. I’ve never really wanted kids. Up until about year ago, I was content to just live life free and easy without a care in the world. Then Ally started talking about the possibility of having babies, and now I have all these gooey feelings I’ve never had before. I’ve always felt my parents need grandchildren, you know? Since Dex died, I’m their only hope. I feel there’s more to life than this hippie lifestyle. I want to leave my mark on the world, more than just my shows or my movies.”

  She began ticking off her fingers. “So write a book. Take up painting. Become an activist. Try dog whispering. Why does it have to be a rug rat?”

  I sighed. “We’re getting up there in age. After this series is over, I fear I will have nothing to do. You know how it is for actresses my age. I’m ready to be a mom.” I sighed wistfully. “It’s calling me.”

  She leaned her elbows on her desk. “Okay, I can work with this. Are you going to adopt? Adoption can be good for your image.” She closed her eyes and added, “But please tell me you are not going to try to adopt overseas. That was so played out ten years ago.”

  “That statement is a little callous, even for you. We are not doing this for publicity. Plus, there are plenty of babies who need homes all over the world.” I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “But we’re not adopting because Allison wants us to have our own baby.”

  She moved her jaw back and forth. “Who would be getting pregnant?”

  “Allison.”

  “Good, because your contract has a pregnancy clause. So, how is that going to happen?”

  “I don’t know. We just last night decided to try, so we haven’t really talked about it yet. Probably we’ll look into a sperm bank. But I really need your op…”

  “Fuck, Darby, I don’t know if I like that. If word gets out that you are going to a sperm bank, it might get ugly.” Turning to her tablet and typing on the screen, she stared intently and scrolled, touching a few and reading through them quickly. She was such a wiz on that thing, she could look up anything in nanoseconds. “Jeez. It’s like ordering Tai food.”

  I had to laugh at that. “Please tell me you’re not going to quote Garth and say something about ‘the cream of some young guy.’”

  “That was Wayne, and no, seriously, look at this.” She shoved the tablet across her desk. “You can choose from their eye color, hair color, IQ, height, weight, occupation, medical history… Hell, I’ve been on dating apps with less information provided. Of course, this is baby-daddy juice you’re ordering, not a date, but still.” She pulled her tablet back to face her. “I just wonder if you order from these sites, how many of them do thorough background checks? Don’t you think these guys lie? I mean, the only guys I can imagine who go to make deposits are those who need quick cash, meaning college students or junkies.” She narrowed her eyes. “Well, I bet they don’t accept junkies.” Her brow got that thinking wrinkle. “But why would some successful dude feel the need to jack off into a cup and donate his jizz? It seems highly unlikely that Nobel candidates would donate.”

  I laughed. “Right. Nobel candidates.”

  “According to this, yes. Look right there,” she pointed. “It says it in the semen’s bio. I mean it could be true, but it just seems unlikely.”

  “Yeah, I guess it does,” I mumbled.

  “How many people believe that? This guy could have fathered forty-five kids by now with parents who thought they were getting a smarty pants but ended up with a kid who won’t move out of their basement, just like bio dad won’t leave his own mom’s.” She widened her eyes. “Oh my God, what if you choose someone who fathered a shit ton of babies through this site, and your kid grows up and falls in love with her own brother or sister? I read about a fertility doctor from England who replaced all the sperm samples people had picked with his own. He had like 500 kids running around. Granted it happened years ago, but how can you be sure?” She shuddered. “Unknowingly falling in love with your own sibling would be so icky.”

  I blinked after her tornado of words threatened to rip my dream to shreds. “Where do you find this stuff out?”

  “Late night Facebook scrolling. I know that stuff isn’t always true, but it was so bizarre, I had to fact check the article.” She pulled her tablet back in front of her. “I’m positive there are reputable places out there, but I’m sure there are just as many that aren’t so trustworthy. My job is to protect you, so we need to find you one we can trust. Or you can just find a donor. There’s undoubtedly someone you know who would be willing…”

  I sat up abruptly, fearful of where she was going with this. “I need to discuss it with Allison. I really just came here for a friend and a sounding board, not to have the ever-loving shit scared out of me.”

  She smiled. “That is part of my job, too. Scared people are usually more cautious.” Her face turned serious. “I was your friend first, Darby. My priority as both your friend and your agent is to keep you happy and protected. I don’t want you hurt by a stupid mistake. You go with the flow so much that you tend to act without thinking sometimes. A baby is not a decision to make on a whim. I want to make sure you think this through before proceeding.”

  I folded my arms across my chest and sat back in my chair deflated. “I’m not taking this lightly. That’s why I’m talking to you, although I am currently questioning that decision.”

  Charlie looked down. “I’m sorry, Darby. My intent is not to discourage you, but I really want you to think about this. I love you and Allison both, but you need to talk about it thoroughly.” She picked up her tablet. “Tell you what. I’ll look into fertility specialists who specialize in same-sex couples and who are trustworthy and discreet. You talk to Allison. I’ll send you what I find.” She smiled. “Honestly, I think you’ll both be amazing mothers.”

  I returned her smile. “See, now that’s the statement you should have said first.”

  ~~~

  That night, Ally and I discussed our options. I told her my concerns and my fears about going to a sperm bank, and because of that, we agreed that asking those close to us was our preferred option. The sperm bank would be our last resort. We sat together compiling a list of all the potential donors we know. We were surrounded by men, but only a few probable procreators made our list so far.

  “What about Riley?” Ally asked.

  “I’ll be honest, Riley crossed my mind several times, but I don’t think he’ll agree. I mean we can ask him, but he’s such a by-the-book romantic.” I smiled. “Can you imagine those dimples on a baby though? That kid would get away with anything.”

  “I’ll put him as a maybe.” She wrote something down. “So that leaves us with Fionn, Noah, Joe, Riley as a maybe,” she barely contained her eye roll, “ and Bryan.”

  “If you don’t want to ask Bryan, we don’t have to include him.”

  She shook her head. “No, we can. I’m just afraid he won’t take this seriously.” She put down her pen and notebook. “I gotta ask. Why did you veto asking Jase?”

  I tried to hide my panic. We had already discussed Jase, and I said no to asking him without much explanation.

  I talked to him once a week, but I hadn’t seen him in almost two years. I missed him like crazy, and there was no way I would ever be on board with Jase donating his baby makers to father a child with Allison. Sure, I loved her, and the thought of raising Jase’s child did appeal to me, probably too much, but not if half of the DNA was anyone else’s. I just… couldn’t.

  I guess I had proprietary feelings over his sperm.

  More like over every ounce of him.

  “I just know him pretty w
ell; I’m certain he would say no, that’s all,” I tried to lie smoothly. I really had no idea what he’d say.

  She stared at me for a minute, and I felt that maybe my lie was as smooth as chunky peanut butter. I braced for the impact.

  “Okay, then who do you want to ask first?” Whew.

  I took a drink of my wine. “Well, most of them work in the same place. Why don’t we host a dinner and ask them all at once? Then we can see who might be interested and choose from there.”

  “No to the dinner idea. I think I want to call a formal meeting. It will make things… less confusing.”

  She smiled, and I knew Allison well enough to know she was amused at the thought of calling a formal meeting like this for these serious security boys.

  “That sounds like a plan.” I cleared my throat. “And now that we have one, when can we tell people?” The weight of the secret was already taking its toll. I mean, I already told Charlie, who I knew would keep her mouth shut. But the next phase would clue Noah in on the plan. I knew when Jase got wind of it, it would hurt him. I needed to tell him before Noah did.

  She blinked at me. “Well, I was kinda hoping we could wait until I was pregnant before we told people.”

  My hope deflated. “Babe, I don’t think I can wait that long. It feels like too much like lying to the people I love.”

  Still love. And this might ruin us. I just hoped he loves me enough to understand.

  She huffed. “Can we at least wait until we see a doctor before we decide who we will tell?”

  Sighing, I nodded. “Yeah, I guess that’s acceptable.”

  Thirty

  “Play the Game” – Queen

  “You’re probably wondering why we called you all here today,” Allison began, taking a moment to turn to me and smile. “We have a proposal for you.”

  “Finally!” Bryan interjected. “So, which one of ya lasses wants to marry me?”

  I giggled, but Allison narrowed her eyes.

  “Not that kind of proposal.” I squeezed her hand to stop the insult from flying out of her mouth and shot a serious look to Bryan. Ally and I agreed that she’d run this show. As their sensei, we felt they would take her more seriously than they would me. Well, everyone but Bryan. He and Allison had a special relationship, one it took years to build. He was the type to love to get under her skin, even after she kicked his ass repeatedly, but he still had not completely learned the lesson of when it was appropriate to make jokes. He looked abashed and muttered an apology. He was getting there.