Dave Barry’s Homes and Other Black Holes: The Happy Homeowner’s Guide to Ritual Closing Ceremonies, Newton’s First Law of Furniture Buying, the Lethal Chemicals Man, and Other Perils of the American Dream

by Dave Barry

  DAVE BARRY’S

  HOMES AND OTHER BLACK HOLES

  INSIDE YOU’LL LEARN:

  • How to select a real estate broker

  Look for that intangible quality called “professionalism” (a.k.a. “car size”) because you’ll spend most of your time in that car looking at homes you cannot afford.

  • How to interpret real estate ads

  “Charming” can mean “toilets that flush up.”

  • Helpful packing hints

  It is best not to pack important prescription drugs such as tranquilizers. It is best to keep them on hand and gulp them down like salted peanuts.

  • How to redecorate for under $650,000

  A small carpet stain where the cat vomited in 1979 can be made to “disappear” when company comes by having a predetermined family member stand on it and refuse to move.

  • And much more!

  By Dave Barry:

  DAVE BARRY’S GUIDE TO MARRIAGE AND/OR SEX

  CLAW YOUR WAY TO THE TOP

  STAY FIT AND HEALTHY ’TIL YOU’RE DEAD

  BABIES AND OTHER HAZARDS OF SEX

  TAMING OF THE SCREW

  BAD HABITS: A 100% FACT-FREE BOOK

  DAVE BARRY SLEPT HERE

  DAVE BARRY TURNS 40

  DAVE BARRY TALKS BACK

  DAVE BARRY’S ONLY TRAVEL GUIDE YOU’LL EVER NEED

  DAVE BARRY DOES JAPAN

  DAVE BARRY IS NOT MAKING THIS UP

  DAVE BARRY’S HOMES AND OTHER BLACK HOLES

  DAVE BARRY’S GIFT GUIDE TO END ALL GIFT GUIDES

  DAVE BARRY’S COMPLETE GUIDE TO GUYS

  DAVE BARRY IN CYBERSPACE

  DAVE BARRY’S BOOK OF BAD SONGS

  DAVE BARRY IS FROM MARS AND VENUS

  DAVE BARRY TURNS 50

  BIG TROUBLE

  DAVE BARRY IS NOT TAKING THIS SITTING DOWN

  TRICKY BUSINESS

  DAVE BARRY’S GREATEST KIDS

  Contents

  Introduction: Why It Was Probably a Mistake to Buy This Book

  Chapter 1: Getting Ready to Get Real Depressed

  Chapter 2: How to Pretend to Look Knowledgeably at Houses

  Chapter 3: How to Get Very Deeply into Debt

  Chapter 4: Moving: A Common Mistake

  Chapter 5: Making New Enemies

  Chapter 6: It’s Noon: Do You Know Where Your Contractor Is?

  Chapter 7: Redecorating for Under 650,000 Dollars

  Chapter 8: Good Housekeeping, or Learning to Live with Filth

  Chapter 9: Practical Home Weapons Systems

  Chapter 10: A Lawn Is a Terrible Thing to Waste

  Chapter 11: Getting Some Fool to Buy Your House

  INTRODUCTION

  Why It Was Probably a

  Mistake to Buy This Book

  The desire to own a home of one’s own has been a part of human nature ever since that fateful moment, millions of years ago, when our earliest ancestors climbed down out of their trees and moved into their very first caves. It was a major moment in history, and its glory was dimmed only slightly by the fact that their furniture did not arrive for another 250,000 years.

  Yes, moving into a new home is one of life’s great adventures, constantly posing new and exciting challenges.

  For example, just recently my wife, son, and I moved to Florida, and the first thing I noticed was that there were crabs living under our house. There were two main ones, named Bob and Steve, who had established holes on either side of our front door, which they were always working on. I’d come out in the morning to get the paper, and there would be Bob and Steve, waving their claws at me as if to say in cheerful crab language: “Hi, Mr. Barry! We’re digging holes under your house, and unless you do something, the entire structure will eventually fall into the canal!”

  What I ultimately decided to do about the crabs was the same thing I ultimately do about virtually all homeowner-type problems, namely—and you might want to write this down, because it is the core philosophy of this entire book—I try not to think about it. Trust me, this is the best way. If God had wanted us to spend all our time fretting about the problems of home ownership, He would never have created beer.

  Essential tools you will need

  for homeowner-type problems:

  This is not to say that I am recommending that you totally ignore your responsibilities as a homeowner and just sit around all day with a beer can in your hand. No indeed, I have long been a believer in purchasing bottled beer, and pouring it into a chilled glass. “If you’re going to do something, do it right”—that is my motto, and you will find that throughout this book I have made every effort to present all relevant houseowning information as accurately and completely as possible given the fact that I am making almost all of it up.

  Which is not to say that I am unqualified to write this book. I have bought and sold several homes in my day, although I will admit that in the case of our current home, I never even saw it until after I signed the agreement of sale. My wife, Beth, did the actual shopping. This is because I get extremely nervous in sales situations. I will do absolutely anything to please the salesperson. Usually, in stores, I can flee on foot before a salesperson gets to me, but if I don’t get away, I’m a dead man. Like, if I’m walking through Sears, and I happen to pause for just a moment in the major appliances section, and one of those Sears appliance salespersons in polyester sport jackets comes sidling up and says, “Can I help you?” I instantly go into a state of extreme anxiety and say: “Yes, I’ll take one of these, please,” pointing to whatever major appliance I happen to be standing in front of, even though we probably already have one.

  So I am a bad person to have on your side in a real estate sales situation. I drive my wife crazy, because I always want to buy whatever structure we happen to be standing in:

  ME: Well! This looks perfect!

  MY WIFE: This is the real estate broker’s office.

  ME: Well, how much are they asking?

  This is why I was not actively involved in the purchase of our present house. But I still have to help pay for it, which is why even though you may not be thrilled that you bought this book, I’m certainly glad you did.

  1

  Getting Ready to Get

  Real Depressed

  DECIDING WHICH HOUSE TO BUY

  In deciding which house to buy, the first thing you have to do is determine your Price Range, using this simple formula:

  Take your total annual family income, including coins that have fallen behind the bureau and any projected future revenue you have been notified about via personalized letters from Mr. Ed McMahon stating that you may already have won fourteen million dollars.

  Count up the number of children you have and note how many of them are named Joshua or Ashley. That many? Really? Don’t you feel this trend toward giving children designer names has gone far enough? Don’t you think we should go back to the old system of naming children after beloved uncles and aunts, even if we in fact hate our beloved uncles and aunts and they have comical names such as Lester? Can you imagine having an aunt named Lester? These questions are not directly related to your Price Range. I’m just curious to know how you feel.

  Now take these figures (No! I’m not going to tell you again which ones! Pay attention!) and multiply
them by six; which will tell you, in thousands of yards, roughly how far away the lightning bolt was. No! Wait! Sorry! Wrong formula! You want to take these figures and multiply them by something other than six. This should give you a very strong idea of what your Price Range is, although we shall soon see that it doesn’t matter because there are no homes in it anyway.

  There! Now you’re getting somewhere! But you’re not done yet: you need to decide what style of house you’re looking for. The major styles of houses in the United States are:

  OLDER HOUSES with many quaint and charming architectural features such as that during certain phases of the moon the toilets flush up.

  NEWER HOUSES built by large developers using modern cost-cutting efficiency measures such as hiring semiskilled derelict felon gypsy work-persons who are prone to forgetting to install key architectural elements such as windows and those large pieces of wood, “rafters” I believe they are called, that hold up the roof.

  REALLY NICE WELL-BUILT, WELL-LOCATED, AFFORDABLE HOUSES that are not for sale.

  Another very important factor is neighborhood. Ask any real estate broker to name the three most important factors in buying a property, and he’ll say: “Location, location, location.” Now ask him to name the chief justice of the United States Supreme Court, and he’ll say: “Location, location, location.” This tells us that we should not necessarily be paying a whole lot of attention to real estate brokers.

  If you have school-age children, by far the most important factor in selecting a neighborhood is, of course, the proximity of the nearest Toys Backwards “R” Us store. You will be spending a great deal of your time and disposable income there, because from kindergarten through about sixth grade, the average child attends approximately 36,500 birthday parties. Your child will go through a period, usually around first grade, when his classmates will have as many as six birthdays apiece per year, meaning you’ll spend virtually all of your Saturdays racing to Toys Backwards “R” Us, then racing off to the party, leaving a trail of flattened pedestrians because you are wrapping the present as you drive. But all the hassle is worth it when you see the look on the birthday child’s face when he or she rips open the present and remarks with delight: “Hey! I already got this!”

  Once you have selected several potential neighborhoods, you should drive around to evaluate them, using this convenient …

  Neighborhood Checklist

  Note What the Residents Do with Cars That No Longer Function

  —Good Neighborhood: They get rid of them.

  —Bad Neighborhood: They keep them all forever, arranged tastefully on their lawns, as if expecting the Car Fairy to come one night and whisk all the cars away and leave everybody a nice shiny quarter.

  Note What Kind of Names the Local Streets Have

  —Good: Jasmine View Court Terrace

  —Bad: Interstate 95

  Note What Kind of Businesses Are Operating In the Neighborhood

  —Good: Arthur A. Wutherington IV, Investment Banker

  —Bad: Earl’s All-Night Nude Revue & Motorcycle Repair

  Note What the Neighborhood Youths Are Doing

  —Good: Selling lemonade

  —Bad: Selling you your rear wheels back

  Note What Kind of Bumper Stickers the Neighborhood Cars Have

  —Good: “SCHOOL’S OPEN! DRIVE CAREFULLY!”

  —Bad: “I MY PIT BULL”

  Note the Types of Neighborhood Social Activities

  —Good: Barbecues

  —Bad: Cockfights

  It also might be a good idea to do some formal research into neighborhood property values by going down to the Municipal Building and getting shunted from one civil servant to another in an increasingly desperate attempt to find one who is not hostile, braindamaged, or eating lunch, until finally you open fire at random with a semiautomatic weapon. So we can see that this is not, after all, such a good idea, and it probably should not even be included here. Although frankly I doubt that any jury in the land would convict you.

  CHOOSING A REAL ESTATE BROKER

  It is possible to buy or sell a home without a broker, as will be discussed in a later chapter.*

  But most people prefer to use a broker, because of the many advantages, such as:

  If you have a real estate broker, you have an excuse to fend off the other brokers, who will otherwise follow you around and hurl rocks through your window with notes taped to them explaining the many advantages of using a broker.

  Brokers always have nicer cars than you do, a phenomenon that will become more understandable when we get to the section on commissions.

  This is by no means meant to be a comprehensive list of the advantages of using a broker. The only reason I’m not listing all the others here is that they don’t spring immediately to mind.

  The best place to obtain a broker is at a junior high school, where you’ll find that virtually all the teachers obtained real estate licenses once they realized what a tragic mistake they had made, selecting a profession that requires them to spend entire days confined in small rooms with adolescent children. Often it is sufficient to just drive by the school and beep your horn; within seconds, brokers will come swarming out of doors and windows, eager to abandon their lesson plans on the Three Major Bones of the Inner Ear so they can help you find a home.

  There are many factors to consider in selecting a broker, such as competence, honesty, vertical leap, and placement in the Evening Grown Competition. But the most important factor is an intangible quality called “professionalism,” by which I mean “car size.” You want to select the broker with the largest possible car, because you’re going to spend far more time in this car than in whatever home you ultimately buy.

  Next you should tell your broker what your Price Range is, so he or she can laugh until his or her official company blazer is soaked with drool. What your broker finds so amusing, of course, is that there is virtually nothing, outside of the Third World, available in your Price Range. I don’t care if your Price Range is a hillion jillion dollars, there will be nothing available in it. This is a fundamental principle of real estate.

  At first you will probably insist on looking at the something in your Price Range anyway, which will result in the following comical dialogue:

  YOU: This is it? They’re asking $89,500 for a refrigerator carton?

  BROKER: Yes, but I think they’ll take $85,000.

  This process is called “getting a feel for the market.” Once you’ve undergone it, your broker will explain a creative new financial concept that has been developed to enable people such as yourself to enjoy the benefits of home ownership, called: Spending Way More Than You Can Afford. Usually you have to talk yourself into going with this concept. Here are some sound financial arguments you can use:

  Although you may not really be able to afford a more expensive home at your current income level, it makes sense to buy it anyway, because in just a few years, at your current rate of progress in your career, you’ll probably be dead.

  There are major tax benefits to owning a home. The law, written by wise lawyers and bankers, permits you to deduct all the money you give to lawyers or bankers, which will turn out to be virtually all the money you have.

  Owning a home is a smart investment. As inflation pushes up the cost of living, you will build up equity1 in your home, so that, when you eventually sell it, you will have made enough profit to be able to afford to pay the points2 and closing costs3 on your next home!

  So as you can see, you really can’t afford not to buy a home that you really can’t afford. It’s time to sit down with your broker and take a serious look at the listings.

  The listings are computerized lists, or “listings,” of all the houses that all the brokers in your region have been trying to sell since the Carter administration. Listings are always written in a special real estate code. For example, this listing: CHARMING1 RANCH2—4BR3 3B4 2TD,5 fully landscaped,6 newly renovated.7 …can be decoded as follows:


  Rooms the size of nasal spray cartons

  IN URBAN AREAS: No attic or basement. IN RURAL AREAS: Also cattle have wintered in the foyer.

  Four bedrooms

  Three bathrooms

  Two turtle doves

  Extensive comical lawn statuary including minority groups holding lanterns; also large, permanent, fully mechanized, spectacularly illuminated display of Santa’s Workshop

  The walls have been pretty well scraped clean in the room where the demonic beings from another dimension came through the TV set and caused the previous occupants’ heads to explode.

  Study the listings carefully and make a note of any houses that look right for you, so your broker can confirm that they were all sold just that morning. This is actually good, because it will help to get you into the proper highly desperate frame of mind where you will do almost anything to get a house, including paying large sums of money you really don’t have to people you really don’t know for reasons you really aren’t sure of. Which is the essence of real estate.

  *Unless we forget to write it.

  1 Mysterious kind of money that everybody is always claiming belongs to you, even though you never actually see it.

  2 Money you give to bankers so they will lend you money.

  3 Money you give to lawyers for no apparent reason.

  2

  How to Pretend to Look

  Knowledgeably at Houses

  Okay. Now we have reached the most exciting part, the very essence of home buying: actually going inside specific houses so we can examine them and fail to notice major defects.