Tokyo Love

by Diana Jean

  Kathleen was still looking at her, cheeks flushed and mouth slightly parted. Was she having a hard time breathing too? Was her heart beating just as fast as Yuriko’s?

  Yuriko found herself leaning forward, throat constricted in terror and anticipation and want. She wanted to kiss Kathleen while holding her hand, standing in a flooded shrine before the stone observations of forgotten gods. She wanted to kiss Kathleen with a feeling much more potent than when they were both drunk and unthinking. She wanted to kiss Kathleen.

  She stopped, face mere breaths away from Kathleen, so close that she might have been resting her forehead on Kathleen’s, noses just ghosting each other. She wasn’t sure though, because all she could feel was her racing heart and thoughts blurring her vision.

  Kathleen tilted her head, lifting her chin, and then they were kissing. Softly, gently, both of them terrified. There was no needy grabbing, no gasping into each other mouths. Yuriko’s heart stopped.

  Then it was over and Kathleen pulled away, eyes flickering everywhere but at Yuriko. Her hands went cold and she nearly tore them from Yuriko’s. She stumbled from the cliff, feet nearly sliding into the water, not stopping until she was on higher, drier ground.

  Yuriko wasn’t sure how she had done it without falling. Her legs felt numb and she couldn’t even feel her heart, which had sunk somewhere around her stomach. She cautiously followed, mind racing with a thousand things to say. Most of them were “I’m sorry.”

  When she approached, Kathleen gave her a smile so fake that it looked painful. “Well, I’m starving. Also I bet Ai just can’t wait to feed me some weird tofu. We should head back, yeah?” Her eyes didn’t meet Yuriko’s.

  Yuriko nodded, not sure what to say. Were they going to ignore the fact that they just kissed? Both of them were completely sober and aware now. Was that for the best? Yuriko wasn’t sure if she could handle a rejection. She wasn’t sure if she could handle it if Kathleen decided to stop speaking to her again. A part of her would probably never rest if they just continued on like nothing happened. The rest of her was terrified.

  They trip back to the ryokan was painfully silent and a few times Yuriko almost got the nerve to speak up. Then Kathleen would look away or turn from her and Yuriko’s heart would sink a little lower. She always thought herself confident and unafraid of her own feelings. However expressing happiness or sadness was nothing compared to showing her own insecurity. Friends would often say that Yuriko was too American because she often spoke out.

  Now, trying to avoid conflict, avoid concrete decisions, avoid something that could make or break her inside, she felt entirely Japanese.

  She felt herself sinking into the crowds of Nikko, blending in, becoming part of the group, not an individual any longer.

  chapter TWENTY-TWO

  Kathleen felt like an idiot. What was she doing? What was she thinking?

  She wasn’t thinking, hadn’t been thinking. She had been seduced by ancient shrines and cool weather and had kissed Yuriko.

  She only had eight more days to study Ai. Then the PLC would be broken down, parts examined for wear and functionality, and Kathleen would receive her data chip for future reference. She should be working harder than ever, finishing off any last tests of processing power or endurance. She should be excited, knowing that in about a week she wouldn’t have to tow a love robot around Tokyo anymore. She would have her apartment to herself again. Her project would officially be in beta and Kathleen would start a whole new chapter at work.

  She was just standing outside of her apartment, looking over to Yuriko’s door. They weren’t avoiding each other, not exactly. It had only been two days since Nikko, after all. When they saw each other, they would stop and chat. However Yuriko was busy and, well, Kathleen was too.

  Kathleen couldn’t quite directly look into her eyes, not without remembering their color, which had darkened in Nikko when she had taken her hand. Had looked so deep and blue when she had leaned close, breath hot on Kathleen’s cheeks and lips.

  Kathleen rubbed her eyes and quickly pushed open the door. Why had she kissed Yuriko? It had totally given her the wrong impression. It had been a mistake. Kathleen wasn’t interested. Why would she do that?

  Ai was in the kitchen, chopping cabbage. “Okaeri!” she sang out.

  “Tadaima,” Kathleen muttered, mind still elsewhere. She felt like her mind was elsewhere all the time now. She had to snap herself out of it. She should probably apologize to Yuriko. Tell her that she hadn’t meant it. That she was terribly sorry, but then Yuriko would probably ask why Kathleen had done it. Because Kathleen felt pretty stupid, but even she knew that while Yuriko had leaned in, Kathleen had completed the motion.

  Kathleen didn’t have an answer why.

  “Is something wrong?” Ai was suddenly before her, eyebrows furrowed in concern.

  Kathleen was startled. She hadn’t even seen her walk over. For a brief moment, she had almost thought Yuriko, as if summoned by her thoughts, had appeared before her. “Ah … I’m fine.”

  Ai raised an eyebrow. “Yeah, sure,” she said in disbelief. She sighed, waving a hand and turning back to the kitchen. “You know, Yuriko should be home by now. You can just go over there and chat or whatever.”

  “Why do you think I need to talk to Yuriko?”

  Ai snorted. “Why do I always need to remind the people who built me that I was created to be observant?” She looked at Kathleen, expression hard. “Every time you and Yuriko, anō, have a moment, you both get really weird. So … go over there and fix it. Whatever you did.”

  Kathleen was grateful that Ai didn’t know exactly what she had Yuriko had done. Not that their kiss had been more than chaste, but she had a feeling Ai would pervert it, if only to get a rise out of Kathleen.

  Kathleen kicked off her shoes and put her briefcase down on the table. She saw some of her dōjinshii was lying out, Ai’s neat handwriting correcting a few of her crude translations. It was open to a page in which the two main characters were feeling each other up. Kathleen was a little disturbed to be reading a comic that had so much sweating and groping, so she had quickly skipped the section to more substantial dialogue. Ai had gone to the trouble, however, to translate the sound effects and moaning. Skimming it, Kathleen quickly decided that it just didn’t translate well.

  She could barely look at a trashy comic featuring two girls making out. Why would she kiss Yuriko?

  Her train of thought was back and she pressed her forehead to the table, feeling like she was really losing it. She could feel Ai standing behind her.

  “Do you need something?”

  Kathleen needed to figure out her own feelings. She felt like a teenager, confused and stupid and more than a little frustrated. She almost wished she could kiss Yuriko again, and this time really pay attention. She knew that kissing Yuriko again would be phenomenally stupid.

  She could kiss Ai.

  Kathleen raised her head so fast she smacked into Ai’s hand, which had been reaching out to her. Ai stared at her in confusion and concern. “Kathleen?” she asked, softly and slowly, as if Kathleen was having a breakdown.

  Kathleen kind of felt like she was, staring up at Ai. She had never before considered kissing Ai or touching her in any intimate way. It was just too weird and felt vaguely inappropriate. Of course, Kathleen had already been acting inappropriate toward Yuriko.

  Would kissing Ai be like kissing Yuriko? They looked the same, talked the same, acted the same. Ai was a willing subject and programmed to do as Kathleen asked, whether she asked to kiss her, or to stop and never speak of it again. Ai wasn’t a person who could have hurt feelings or hold grudges or spread rumors. She was just a more complicated format than the dōjinshii in front of Kathleen. A test to see if Kathleen could figure it all out.

  Ai was still staring at her, looking more and more concerned. “Kathleen?” she asked again.

  “Kiss me,” Kathleen said, quickly and just a little too loud.

  “What?” Ai seemed
genuinely confused.

  Kathleen sighed. “Kiss me. I’m pretty confident I programmed you to know how.”

  Ai slowly knelt beside her. She spoke slowly, as if Kathleen was an unstable bomb. She sort of felt like it. “Yes. You did. But … ah, you have always made it quite clear that you have no romantic or sexual interest in me. I have to make sure you are in your right mind for consent.”

  “You are a love robot. Do I need consent?”

  The corner of Ai’s lips quirked in a smile. “I will always give you my consent. However safety protocols require me to make sure you are giving full and enthusiastic consent.” She paused. “Are you?”

  Kathleen sighed. “I won’t say I’m enthusiastic. But I am giving you full consent. I just … ” She felt a headache starting and she rubbed one eye. “I just want to test something.”

  Ai took her hand away from her face, touching her forehead softly. Her fingers were warm and gentle against Kathleen’s skin. “Okay, but I will stop if you ask me to.”

  Kathleen sighed and she sort of felt resigned. “I know.”

  Ai leaned in then until Kathleen could feel hot breath on her face. She didn’t smell like Yuriko, whose breath had smelled like toothpaste and the rice ball she had eaten for breakfast. Ai didn’t smell like anything.

  Ai hesitated, forehead nearly touching Kathleen’s. It felt so familiar and so different that Kathleen nearly pulled away. Ai seemed to sense this and did not move forward. So Kathleen, trying not to think too hard, tilted her head and met Ai’s lips.

  She was soft, lips warm and pliant. Her hand curled around Kathleen’s head, cradling her at the neck. Then Ai’s mouth opened and it was moist, tongue probing Kathleen. It was so gentle, like Ai was trying to sooth Kathleen into the kiss.

  Kathleen didn’t just want to kiss; she wanted to test.

  So she reached out, hands finding Ai’s silky shirt. She groped around it, seeking soft skin. She was warmer here and Kathleen could feel something like muscles tensing and relaxing under her touch.

  It was awkward. Possibly because both of them were sitting or kneeling at the table. Kathleen pushed Ai backwards, not breaking their kiss as she sprawled out on the floor. Ai made a soft noise, like a moan or a grunt. It didn’t sound displeased.

  Kathleen was letting instinct take over. Just like at any time when she would pounce on one of her boyfriends. She would straddle them now, but Ai’s legs wound their way around her instead, placing Kathleen between her hips. When Kathleen pressed down, she was suddenly alarmed that there wasn’t some half-erect dick pressing into her. Instead there were breasts and strong thighs and a breathy, high-pitched voice.

  It was familiar. Bits of memory floated in Kathleen’s mind. Had she done this with Yuriko?

  Kathleen broke the kiss, though she didn’t move off of Ai. Ai was flushed, panting, looking the picture of arousal. Kathleen wasn’t aroused. She wasn’t entirely disgusted, not like she thought she would be. Maybe it was because Ai was so eager and physically looked eager too. Yet Kathleen was waiting for that moment when her mind would go blurry and her heart would reach up into her throat. Like she remembered with Yuriko.

  Kathleen shook her head. No, not Yuriko. Like she always had when making out with a boyfriend.

  “Kathleen?” Ai asked, as if out of breath. “Do you want to continue?”

  Kathleen looked down at Ai, shirt twisted and pulled up over her stomach. She was wearing a skirt, which now barely covered her. Did Kathleen want to continue? Was there any point?

  Something within her was strangely curious. What would it be like to see another woman turned on? Could it turn her on? Almost, without thought, she tugged at Ai’s skirt, lifting it to reveal that Ai was not wearing panties.

  “Do you always go commando?”

  Ai shrugged, though her flush had deepened in color. “I don’t see much point in underwear. You’ve never noticed before.”

  Kathleen probably would have been annoyed before and demanded that Ai always wear them. But now … well, it was kind of convenient. Ai looked pretty normal. Maybe a little hairier than Kathleen would expect from a doll, but that just made her look realistic. With her legs spread around Kathleen, she could tell that Ai was probably a little too symmetrical. Not that Kathleen had much experience. She had seen Yuriko naked in the onsen, but she certainly hadn’t examined her like she was currently with Ai.

  Kathleen suddenly wanted to see Ai really aroused. “Can you … touch yourself?”

  Ai let out a soft laugh. “Can I?” She moved one arm from Kathleen’s shoulders where they both rested. She slid it down Kathleen’s arm and across her own stomach. She tugged at the skirt so there was no chance of obstruction. Her fingers looked slim, delicate as she slid them over herself.

  Kathleen had once mutually masturbated with Brandon. He had been rough with himself. Hand gripping hard and moving quickly, vigorously. Ai was gentle and slow. As if exploring herself. Or, probably likely, having Kathleen explore through her. Kathleen could see Ai flushing red as her fingers probed.

  She made soft noises, mostly her breath hitching or deep sighs. Her other hand left Kathleen and tugged at her shirt and the bra she wore under it. She pulled it up to her chin, just far enough to reveal herself.

  “Stop.” Kathleen said and Ai instantly stilled. Kathleen closed her eyes and sat back, Ai’s legs dropping from her hips. “Stop,” she said again, though it was mostly to herself.

  Ai sat up, pulling her shirt and skirt into order. “Are you all right?” she asked.

  Inexplicably, Kathleen felt like crying. She pressed her palms against her eyes, just to make sure no tears would leak out. “I … I don’t know. I think something is wrong with me.”

  “Nothing is wrong with you. It’s okay to feel—”

  “I don’t feel anything!” Kathleen suddenly shouted and her voice felt too loud, too hoarse. “I … watching you. Kissing you, whatever. I didn’t feel anything.” She stood up, paced the room and found herself sitting back down again, this time across the table from Ai.

  “Did you want to feel something?” Ai asked.

  “I’m … I’m not sure.” What would it mean if she was aroused by the sight of Ai touching herself? Would it mean that everything she had thought about her sexuality was wrong? Would it mean that she was attracted to Yuriko? Would she have to go over there to declare feelings that she wasn’t sure were even real?

  Did she want a relationship with Yuriko? Or did she just so desperately want any relationship? So desperate that she would try tempting a good friend who she just happened to know was attracted to women? Was she baiting Yuriko? Just to see if she could get Yuriko to like her? To want her in the way Kathleen had missed so desperately since coming to Japan? Since breaking up with Brandon?

  Ai shifted so she was properly seated at the table, elbows resting on the wood. “This all has to do with Yuriko, right?”

  Kathleen felt herself sagging. “It all has to do with me … I don’t know … using Yuriko.”

  “If you were using Yuriko, she would tell you. She’s not the type to let people walk all over her.”

  “But she is the type to fall in love with stupid girls who can’t figure their shit out.”

  She remembered when Yuriko had talked to her about Michiko. How, even though it had been years, she was still torn up by it. Even though she put on a brave face, said the right things, she still resented Michiko and what she had done. Kathleen wasn’t in love with Yuriko, but she cared about her. She didn’t want to toy with her. She didn’t want to become another heartbreak.

  Kathleen also didn’t want to lose her. She wanted, no, needed Yuriko as a friend. She had taught her so much and had been a great friend and Kathleen had so few in this country.

  Kathleen couldn’t let this kiss slide, not like the drunken one they shared before. Even if they both just let it go again, Kathleen would always wonder if she was leading Yuriko on. She had to make it clear, now, that she wasn’t interested. That she wa
s sorry for seeming interested, but it simply couldn’t work. If Yuriko didn’t want to keep their friendship, Kathleen would have to respect that. She couldn’t go on with any false pretenses.

  She looked up to see Ai just staring at her, eyes downcast. She might as well start now.

  “Thank you,” she said. “But I’d like to never do that again.”

  “Why?” Ai said it with almost genuine confusion.

  Kathleen stiffened. “What does it matter? We are not doing that again.”

  “I understand and respect that. Can I not ask why?”

  “Why do you want to know?” Kathleen bit back. She was getting irritated.

  Ai pressed her fingers together, peering over them, examining Kathleen. “A part of my programming requires that I be an exemplary lover for my user. You have stated, quite clearly before, that you were uninterested because of my gender designation. So I have respected that, at a basic level, I cannot fulfill that aspect of my code.” She said it all so plainly, and Kathleen was struck, once again, by how inhuman Ai was. “But now you come to me, asking for a sexual experience, and found yourself disappointed. I would like to understand if it is something I could remedy on my part.”

  Kathleen couldn’t help but stare at her. What would this conversation be like if Ai wasn’t a robot? Probably a lot more stressful and complicated, but it already felt stressful and complicated to Kathleen. The only thing keeping her from completely freaking out was knowing that Ai didn’t have feelings. That she would be broken down in a week’s time and never exist again.

  Kathleen swallowed. “I am not disappointed.”

  Ai raised an eyebrow. “You aren’t?”

  “Disappointment … that’s not the right emotion.” Disappointment meant that Kathleen had been hoping that she would have liked being intimate with Ai. She didn’t want that, she’d never wanted that. What she had wanted … well, that was a clear answer. She had received that. “In fact, I am relieved.” She took a steadying breath. “I needed to know if I am attracted to women. I know now that I am not.”