I’m in love with him.
The thought blasted through her brain with the force of a tsunami. The tension of the last few weeks, the insecurity, the mistrust, the fear, slipped easily from her shoulders. For the first time, her mind was clear. She was in love with Ethan and she didn’t want to wait anymore. She wanted him. She wanted him to be her first, her last.
Finding courage she didn’t know she possessed, Harper slid off the stool and walked around the island. She plucked the wine glass from his hand and set it on the counter, then placed his hand on her breast. “Make love with me, Ethan.”
A fire lit in his eyes, telling her he wanted her, too. But there was a question there, a hesitation. “Are you sure?”
She’d never been more sure of anything in her life. “Yes.”
“Harper—”
“Shhh. Let’s not talk anymore.” She placed one finger over his lips, then stood on her tiptoes and kissed him.
Ethan’s reaction was lightning swift. He wrapped his arms around her and brought her close, his mouth descending on hers in a wild, warm kiss. Their tongues tangled, slid over each other. She’d missed his touch, his taste. She moaned, and in the sound she heard thirty-two years of longing.
For this. For him.
He led her to the bedroom and began to undress her, first unbuttoning her flannel shirt, then pulling her T-shirt over her head. As she stood in front of him in only her bra, doubt struck her. What if he didn’t like what he saw? She crossed her arms over her chest and avoided his eyes.
“Look at me, Harper,” he said.
She slowly dragged her gaze to his. He smiled reassuringly, then gently pulled her arms away from her breasts. “You’re beautiful.”
All traces of self-consciousness fled. This was Ethan, and she trusted him.
“So are you,” she whispered.
He touched the lacy edge of her bra, tracing his finger over the swell of her breast. “I didn’t figure you for the sexy, lace bra type.”
“It’s my one concession to girlieness. I like pretty underwear.”
He pulled the elastic from her ponytail, and her hair cascaded around her shoulders. He ran his fingers through the strands, brushing it away from her face. She closed her eyes and revelled in his gentle, sensuous touch.
“I don’t know,” he said in a husky tone. “You look pretty girlie to me.”
She chuckled at that. With surprising boldness, she pulled his head down to hers for a kiss, then whispered in his ear. “I’m wearing the matching panties. Wanna see?”
“Hell, yeah.”
He unzipped her jeans and pushed them down her legs with a speed that astounded her. Laughing, she stepped out of her jeans, but stopped when she saw the stupefied look on his face. She crossed her arms over her chest once more. “What’s wrong?”
He shook his head. “I knew you were beautiful, but I didn’t expect…” He took a ragged breath and reached for her hand. “Trust me when I tell you you’re very girlie.”
She smiled, relieved that everything was fine, that she hadn’t disappointed him. She unbuttoned his shirt. “I may have to trade in my flannel shirts for silk camisoles.”
“I wouldn’t have a problem with that.”
He helped her strip off his clothes and then stood before her completely naked. She drank in his broad shoulders, the smattering of dark hair on his chest, his flat stomach. Her gaze fell to the part of him that told her he wanted her and was more than ready. She swallowed. He was so big. Biologically speaking, she knew men and women were designed to fit together, but how that was supposed to happen between them frightened her a little.
No. She wasn’t going to give in to worry. With an effort, she pushed away her fears. This was Ethan, and she loved him. It would all work out. And if she was lucky, he wouldn’t notice she’d never done this before.
In one deft move, Ethan unfastened her bra and let it fall to the floor. Then he picked her up and carried her to the bed, laying her gently on top of the comforter. He stretched out beside her, one hand propping his head, the other exploring her body, lazily tracing a path from her thigh to her chest. When he reached her breast and gently rolled her nipple between his thumb and forefinger, a shaft of desire rushed straight from her breast to her core. She arched her back, pushing against his hand. She wanted to get closer to him. She wanted…more.
When he replaced his hand with his mouth, she thought she might die of the pleasure. His tongue swirled around the nipple, gently sucking and pulling. She moaned in response and dampness pooled between her legs. Why had she waited so long!
After giving equal attention to her other breast, Ethan moved his exploration lower, licking and kissing his way down her torso and across her stomach. When he reached her lower abdomen, he pulled down her panties far enough to reveal the dark hair between her legs. He licked the lace edge of the leg opening, then looked up at her with a wolfish grin. “I think we need to get rid of these, don’t you?”
“Yes,” she said breathlessly.
He pulled them down her legs and tossed them to the floor in one swift motion. Then, he positioned himself between her legs. “Spread your legs for me, baby.”
She did as he asked, excitement and trepidation building inside her as he lowered his head. She’d read about oral sex, and had wondered how something that seemed kind of gross – really, putting his mouth there? – could be considered sexy. But from all accounts, people of both sexes found it pleasurable. She hoped she didn’t hate it. If worse came to worse, she hoped she could fake her way through it. Nerves got the better of her and she tensed. She clutched the comforter as he hovered over her.
And then, Ethan raked his tongue over her most private parts and her mind stopped operating completely. All she could do was feel, and the feelings were exquisite. When he found the knot of nerves deep inside her and gently sucked, she nearly rocketed off the bed. She moaned and thrashed, reaching for something so close yet so elusive. He pushed one finger inside her, and it felt as if he was touching that knot of nerves from both the inside and the outside.
Her climax came without warning. She screamed at both the surprise and the strength as it spread over her body, starting from her core and radiating out. So they were right, she thought vaguely. It does feel like crashing waves. The waves crashed again and again, and when she thought it was all over, Ethan doubled his efforts, licking and sucking, his finger seemingly massaging her from the inside. To her amazement, she came twice more.
Finally, the waves subsided, and Harper sank against her pillow, completely spent. Ethan raised his head, one eyebrow cocked.
“I didn’t think you’d be a screamer.”
Neither did I. “Good thing we’re alone in the woods.”
He chuckled as he reached into the nightstand and pulled out a condom. “Yeah. I wouldn’t want anyone to think I was murdering you in here.”
She pushed herself up on her elbows. “Was I that loud? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be.”
“I’m teasing, Harper.” He rolled the condom over his engorged penis. Harper couldn’t take her eyes from it. The sight was both delicious and scary.
A thought momentarily derailed her. Did he always keep condoms in his room? Was he expecting this? Or had he used them with someone else?
No. She pushed the doubts away. This was Ethan.
Straddling her, he pushed her gently onto her back and kissed her, his penis nudging the opening to her body. “You can be as loud as you like. In fact, I encourage screaming.”
“You do?”
“Yeah. I want to hear you scream my name.”
He nudged his way inside her, and Harper willed herself to relax. She read that being tense made sex more uncomfortable for a woman. She concentrated on Ethan’s kisses. He was such a good kisser. The way his tongue silkily stroked hers made her forget that other business down below. She put her arms around him and ran her hands over his back, loving the satin smooth skin stretched over hard muscle. He was nearly comp
letely inside her now, having slowly inched his way in. It really hadn’t been so bad. Quite pleasant actually. This was going to be okay. He’d never know.
And then, without warning, he thrust deep inside her, hard and fast. A thousand knives sliced her insides. She screamed her agony.
There was no faking this.
Ethan withdrew immediately and took her into his arms. “God, Harper, what happened? Did I hurt you? What’s wrong?”
Tears gathered in her eyes, not from the pain, which had dissipated, but from humiliation. He didn’t deserve this. He’d expected someone else, someone who wasn’t an inexperienced and, as it turned out, tender virgin.
“I’m so sorry,” she began.
He ran his hands over her face, drying her tears with the pad of his thumb. “I’m the one who’s sorry. I hurt you. Has it been like this for you before?”
“No.”
He winced. “Dammit. I’m sorry. I was too rough.”
She couldn’t let him blame himself. “No, it’s not your fault. It hasn’t been like this before because I’ve never done this before.” Her face heated in embarrassment.
“What do you mean?” His eyes clouded with confusion.
God, he was going to make her spell it out. She pushed back her humiliation. “I’ve never been with anyone before.” She took a deep breath and looked into his eyes as she pulled the comforter over her breasts. “I’m a virgin.”
He stared at her. “How is that possible?”
“It’s possible because you’re the first man I’ve wanted to have sex with.” She swallowed and turned away. He deserved the truth. “The first man I trusted enough to have sex with.”
He grasped her chin and gently forced her to look at him. “You should have told me. I would have done things differently, been more careful.”
“I didn’t want you to do things differently! I didn’t want to have this conversation at all. I just wanted to make love with you. Is that so wrong?”
He smoothed her hair from her forehead. “No, of course not. I’m deeply honored, Harper. That you would choose me to be your first is a gift. I’m sorry it didn’t work out the way you planned.”
She touched his face, falling a little more in love with him. He was the kindest man she’d ever known. “There’s no one else I’d rather be with. Please, do you think we can try again?”
“I don’t want to hurt you. When you cried out…” He shook his head.
“It was okay until that last push. Maybe if we go slow.”
“I don’t know…”
“Please, Ethan. I still want you, and I think you wanted me too, until I ruined everything.”
“Of course I wanted you,” he said fiercely. “I’ve wanted you for a long time. And you didn’t ruin anything.”
“I’ve wanted you for a long time, too, but I was scared. I’m not scared any more. Not with you.” As she spoke, she stroked his shoulders, then ran her hands down his chest. The skin over his stomach was smooth and hot to the touch.
“All right.” He caressed her face. “You tell me if I’m hurting you and I’ll stop right away, okay?”
Relief nearly swamped her, knowing he still wanted her. “Okay.”
He kissed her closed eyes, her cheeks, her lips. She let her hands drift downward. When she touched his penis with her finger, he inhaled sharply, then gently grasped her hand. “We’ll take it real slow, right from the beginning.”
She breathed in his scent, loving his kisses, loving him. “Yes.”
He pushed her onto her back once more. He hovered over her, bracing his weight on his arms, not quite touching her. She wanted to feel his weight on her, wanted everything he had to give. But he was determined to go slow, and though impatient with need, she realized she needed that. She focused on relaxing and satisfied herself with touching him everywhere she could reach, from his broad shoulders to his taut buttocks.
Gently, he nudged her legs apart and settled himself between her bent knees. His erection pushed at the opening to her body and excitement built inside her, quickening her breath.
He watched her face intently. “I’m going to enter you very slowly, a little bit at a time. If it starts to hurt, tell me and I’ll stop.”
She nodded. She prayed it wouldn’t hurt this time. She’d read that some women’s first time could be uncomfortable to start, but gradually became more pleasurable. She hoped that was the case with her. She so wanted to give him pleasure, make it good for him, too.
Perhaps if I do, he won’t leave.
Ethan pushed inside her with excruciating slowness. There was no pain, and the excitement that she’d experienced when he sucked her began to slowly build once more. She writhed beneath him, wanting more of him, wanting all of him, her hands moving restlessly over his back. Her breath came out in little pants, but she kept her gaze focused on his face.
“Ethan.”
Sweat dotted his forehead, his expression intent, as if every bit of his concentration was focused on the joining of their bodies, and she realized what it cost him to go slow for her. That he would forego his own pleasure to help her only made her love him more. She lifted her hips and her movement pulled him deeper inside, short-circuiting his careful progression.
There was a sting of pain. Something must have shown on her face because Ethan stopped moving immediately. “It hurts, doesn’t it?”
“Just a twinge. Not like before. Don’t stop.”
She lifted her hips again, testing. There was a ping of tenderness, but more muted this time. She moved again, and then … nothing. No pain, no discomfort.
Nothing but the pleasure of having Ethan inside her. Her whole body relaxed.
She squeezed his buttock. “It feels good. It feels really good.”
Excitement flared in his eyes. “Yeah?”
She moved with him. “Don’t hold back. Please.”
“You’re sure?”
“Yes. Yes! Do you want me to beg?”
One corner of his mouth turned up in amusement. “I don’t think that will be necessary.”
He set up a rhythm, pulling back almost to the point of withdrawal, then thrusting inside, a little deeper each time. But she could feel the restraint in him. He was still holding back.
But she didn’t care. That something, that wave that had rushed over her earlier, was beginning to build once more. So good, so close. Almost there, almost there…
Her climax began in the tips of her toes and radiated through her whole body, tossing her in a turbulent sea of desire. All she could do was to hold on to him and ride the waves. Her heart sang with satisfaction when a moment later he cried out his own release.
Harper held him close. He’d waited for her. She’d been so lucky to find such a generous lover for her first time.
After a few moments, he rolled off and left the bed to go to the bathroom. She heard the water running, and he returned a moment later with a washcloth.
“Lie back, sweetheart. I think this might help with some of the discomfort.”
Without a word, she rolled onto her back. He sat on the edge of the bed, moved her legs apart, then carefully washed her vaginal area with the cloth. The warm moisture soothed her. She looked into his face. He was intent on his mission to bring her comfort.
She’d never been so intimate like this with anyone before. She’d never trusted anyone like this before. But with Ethan, it felt right.
He used a small towel to pat her dry. “Better?”
“Yes. Thank you.”
His eyes were warm. “You’re welcome.” He took her hand and laced his fingers with hers. “How did it happen that you never lost your virginity? Was it a conscious decision to wait?”
“No, not really. Part of it was living here and being so busy running the lodge, looking after Maggie after Grandma died, and then caring for Grampa when he was sick. I didn’t have much time for dating and even when I did, the pickings were slim around Minnewasta.”
He smiled faintly at that. “Bu
t what about before, when you were off at college. There must have been young men who interested you. I’m sure they were interested in you. What stopped you from having sex then?”
She wanted to be honest. “I certainly thought about it. I even got close a couple of times. But I couldn’t go through with it. I was afraid.”
“Were you afraid it would hurt, like it did tonight?”
“No, not that. Every time I thought about giving myself to some boy I was attracted to, I thought about my parents, about how they’d once loved each other, but it had all gone wrong. And then they were gone. Maybe some part of me was afraid to let myself feel that much for a man. Because I was scared I’d lose him, lose his love, the way my parents lost the love between them.” She’d never given voice to her fears before. It was a relief to confess them now, and somewhat surprising.
He squeezed her fingers. “And yet tonight, you were willing to take that chance.”
“Yes.” With you.
They stared into each other’s eyes, neither of them speaking. Then, Ethan let go of her hand and took the washcloth and towel back to the bathroom. He returned a moment later, shut off the lamp next to the bed, and slid onto the bed beside her. Pulling her close with her back against his chest, he spread the covers over her.
“Sleep well, sweetheart.”
Harper settled into the cocoon of warmth provided by his arms. She exhaled and closed her eyes, relaxing completely. She’d never been more in tune with another human being, or so completely happy.
Smiling, she drifted off to sleep.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Harper walked along the shoreline of Solace Lake, picking up stones and tossing them into the calm water. It was a beautiful summer day with just enough breeze to make the heat bearable.
In the distance, she heard voices raised in anger. When she looked out over the lake, she saw her parents several yards offshore in a yellow canoe. Her heart lifted. They were alive! But then, her father suddenly lifted his paddle and struck her mother. She fell into the water with a loud splash and thrashed around, screaming for him to help her. Harper breathed a sigh of relief when he dove into the water. But instead of saving her, he held her head under the water until she quit struggling.
Lies and Solace Page 20