Her Mountain Sanctuary

by Jeannie Watt

  “I’m not paying rent right now.” He and Lissa had signed a long-term lease with Deb, who received a monthly check from him. He imagined that his sister was kicking herself for not asking more now that rents were shooting up in town.

  “Grandfather always got snowed in for weeks.”

  “I have a plow for the little tractor.”

  “What little tractor?”

  “The one I bought from Pete.” Granted, it needed work, but it was usable. He wouldn’t get stranded for long. “Here’s the deal, Deb. I like the cabin. I’m not there because I’m being antisocial or trying to isolate myself. I’m there because being there makes me feel good, okay? I remember good times with Grandpa and good times with my wife. I want to live there with my daughter, and I want you to butt out.”

  Eric appeared in the doorway, then came to an abrupt stop as he caught the expression on Drew’s face.

  “Think about your daughter,” Deb urged. “If you moved to town, you could do a lot more with her. And she could do a lot more with her friends. You’re being selfish.”

  “The cabin is less than ten miles from town. Maddie can do all she wants with her friends. And I’ll have a much better idea what she’s doing because I’ll be the one chauffeuring her to and from.”

  “You’re being unrealistic. You need to think about this.”

  “Don’t talk about me. Don’t try to find me places to live.” He got to his feet. “I hope you have a good time impressing the neighbors. I can see myself out.”

  “Drew...”

  He stopped at the sliding door. “What, Deb?”

  “Eventually, you’re going to see that I’m right. And that I was only trying to help.”

  “When I do, I’ll give you a belated thank-you.”

  * * *

  DURING THE NEXT riding lesson, Faith did what she’d been unable to do the previous week. She took hold of Drew’s calf with one hand and his foot with the other, and maneuvered them into the correct position instead of trying to talk him through it. She’d touched people daily when she’d been helping Jenn with her equine therapy, but touching Drew was different. Made her feel self-conscious.

  “Like that,” she said as she took her hand away from his leg. His calf muscle was like a rock. A warm rock.

  “Thanks.” He gave her a rueful look, but there was a watchfulness in his expression that made her think that her casual attitude hadn’t fooled him. He knew it was hard for her to touch him.

  But did he know she’d enjoyed the feel of his hard muscles beneath her palm? That touching him made her insides go wobbly?

  Damn, she hoped not. Faith had never been shy about going after what she wanted—in her old life. Again, this was different. She was different.

  She folded her arms over her chest as she sent father and daughter around the arena. Maddie was a natural. Drew not so much, but he gave each lesson his best. The difference was that Maddie was here to learn about horses and become a rider; Drew was here for his daughter. He seemed to enjoy the horses while working on the ground, but he did not enjoy being in the saddle. He stiffened up, so the horse stiffened up and nobody had a good time. Except Maddie. She had a ball.

  “Can we lope yet?” the girl asked.

  “Next lesson,” Faith promised. “If you can do all of your balancing exercises at a trot.”

  “Youch.”

  Youch, indeed, but Faith was a firm believer in mastering each step before moving on. And regaining her life had made her a believer in celebrating small victories. After the lesson and the cooldown, Maddie went into the barn to play with the kittens, leaving Drew and Faith leaning on the fence looking out over the pasture.

  “How long will you keep this up?” Faith asked without looking at him.

  “The lessons?” She nodded, and he said, “For as long as I need to.”

  “You’re not very comfortable. You need to relax.”

  “It doesn’t feel natural to be on an animal that can change his mind about what he wants to do at any given second.”

  “These animals won’t do that.”

  “So you say.”

  She rested her hands on the rail, one on top of the other. “Yes. So I say.”

  “I have a hard time giving up control. It’s like I’ve had so much wrested away from me that I don’t want to give up what little I have left—especially to a half-ton animal.”

  Faith let out a breath that was almost, but not quite, a laugh. “We look at horses differently.”

  “And probably life, too.”

  “No. I think we’re kind of similar there.”

  “Do you have nightmares?”

  “I did. But not anymore.” She brought her cheek down to rest on her hands. “How badly hurt were you in that explosion?”

  “I was lucky. My vehicle was at the tail end of the convoy. Concussion, broken ribs, punctured lung.”

  “Did you lose friends?”

  “Three.” She didn’t say anything, so he did. “My wife had died only a few months before. I was so numb that, in some ways, the accident felt like more of the same. People I cared about getting hurt and dying. And in other ways, it was an outrage that made me feel targeted by the fates.”

  “You must have been so angry,” she said softly.

  He gave her an odd look. “Yes. I was. I went off a few times in the hospital. It’s not unusual with a head injury. But I wasn’t hurt that badly, so that symptom faded.”

  “To be replaced by bad dreams.”

  “Yeah. I guess.”

  “More things you can’t control.”

  He frowned at her. “Is this part of the lesson package?”

  Her face grew warm, but she held his gaze. “No.”

  Now he flushed, then looked out at the grazing horses. “I’m self-conscious. Since moving back to Eagle Valley, you’re the only person other than Pete I’ve talked to.”

  “Because I’m broken, too?”

  “You aren’t broken. You’re strong.”

  “Yeah?” she said. “You haven’t seen me try to go to a rodeo yet.”

  “Hey.” Maddie popped out of the barn just then, startling Faith. “Since you guys are talking, can I see the goats before we go?”

  Drew looked back at Faith. “You’re still mowing with goats?”

  “No.” Her blush was starting to feel permanent. “I mowed the grass with my newly repaired lawn mower. The goats just tidy up along the edges.”

  “They’re behind the house,” Maddie said helpfully.

  Drew nodded. “Go see goats. Do not try to bring one home.” He let out a breath as Maddie smiled and headed toward the house. “I’m toast on this kitten deal. How long until they can leave the mom?”

  “I think about two weeks.”

  “Great.” He glanced over his shoulder to see if Maddie was out of hearing range. Turning back, he asked, “What happens when you go to a rodeo?”

  “Well, not much happened the first time. I paid my entry and then couldn’t find the courage to go.”

  He gave a considering nod. “The second time?”

  “I made it to the rodeo, got out of the truck to unload Tommy and promptly had a meltdown.” Despite having Sully and her pepper spray with her.

  “What kind of meltdown?”

  “The hide-in-your-trailer-and-cry kind. Not very pretty. It took me a while to compose myself to the point that I could drive.” Her mouth went hard at the memory. “You know what brought it on?” He shook his head. “Someone stepping on gravel behind me. It almost sent me into orbit.” She’d been instantly back in the moment when she’d heard her assailant approaching.

  “Of course it did.”

  “It’s hard to go to a rodeo and not hear gravel. Or smell concessions or manure or beer breath. All of those things set me off.”

  “
As much as before?”

  “I don’t know.” She glanced at the ground, rolled a small rock beneath her boot. “When I called and asked you to come with me, I thought I could do this. Now I’m having second thoughts.”

  “Have you got your saddle back?”

  Her chin came up. “No. He won’t pick up my calls or answer my texts.”

  “Do you need that saddle?”

  “I want that saddle. I was on a waiting list for a year to get it.”

  Drew looked down at his hands, which were lightly resting on the pole fencing. “I think you can do this.”

  “I don’t want to melt down in front of Maddie.”

  “Then maybe you and I can go alone.”

  Faith frowned at him. “Will Maddie be okay with that?”

  Drew looked guilty. “I didn’t tell her yet.”

  “Why?”

  “I wanted to make sure you were really going, so I wouldn’t disappoint her.”

  Faith stepped away from the fence and ran her hands over her hair, bringing them to rest at the back of her neck. “Very forward thinking of you.”

  “Yeah. I know some of the pitfalls now.”

  “I’d like to try to go...if you’re still in.”

  He gave her a look that made her insides tumble. “If you have a meltdown, am I allowed to touch you? I mean...will it make it worse?”

  “I don’t know.” Her words were barely audible. They both looked over to where Maddie was crouched in the flowers, laughing as she patted the goats, who were play-butting her hands.

  Drew pulled his attention back to Faith, and slowly lifted his hand to place his warm fingers on the side of her face. Faith forgot to breathe.

  “That...doesn’t feel bad,” she said.

  He frowned a little as he cupped his palm to her cheek. In response, Faith brought a hand up to rest on his solid bicep. Yeah. This was okay.

  It was also slow and gentle, and she’d known it was coming.

  Drew turned his hand over to draw the backs of his fingers from her jaw to her chin in a slow caress. Nerves came alive in every part of her body before he let his hand drop back to his side.

  “Well,” Faith said when she finally found her voice. “Now we know you won’t send me screaming off into the night if you touch me. As long as I’m ready for it.”

  The sound of Maddie’s boots on the gravel drive made her jump, probably because she’d been so focused on Drew. They turned together to see her coming back their way.

  “We should go.” His voice was low, just a touch uneven.

  “Yes.” Faith moistened her lips. “I have things to catch up on.”

  “I have exterior siding to attach and three weed whackers to repair.”

  Faith gave a sputtering laugh, thankful that he’d lightened the moment, and Drew smiled back at her. A cheek-creasing, take-her-breath-away smile. “I’ll see you on Friday then.”

  Somehow, she found her voice. “Yes. Friday.”

  * * *

  DURING THE WEEK that followed, Drew threw himself into building Maddie’s room. He also read up on nightmares. Again. After recovering physically from the explosion, he’d tried all the strategies he’d read about—rewriting endings, meditation, dream journals. Only the drugs had helped reduce the severity of the dreams, and they pretty much ruined him during his waking hours, regardless of how the doc adjusted the dosage.

  But you can have your kid with you.

  That was almost worth fuzzy days. He could have Maddie. He’d be fog-headed, but he wouldn’t scare her to death.

  Five short years. Then she’d be gone. He had to do something.

  At one o’clock on Friday, he pulled into his usual parking spot near Faith’s barn. She’d taken the day off to go to her rodeo, and he didn’t ask if Deb knew he was going with her. He doubted she did. Faith didn’t seem to like his sister much. Go figure.

  Faith came out of the barn leading Tommy, her black-and-white paint horse. She opened the trailer and tossed the lead rope over the horse’s neck. He walked inside as if it was totally normal for a horse to step into a glorified tin can. After shutting the trailer door, she lifted a hand to Drew in greeting, then disappeared around the side. He ambled over and found her standing on the running board tying the rope to an upright bar on the trailer. She jumped down and dusted off her hand.

  “How you doing?” he asked.

  “Good. So far.”

  “You look like you did when you saw me walk into the café that first time.”

  She gave him a startled glance. “That bad?”

  “Close. Are you worried about a meltdown? Or having me along to witness the meltdown?”

  “Both.”

  “It’s not like I’m going to judge you,” he said softly. “That would be a case of the pot calling the kettle black.”

  “Which is why I asked you to come,” she admitted before squaring her shoulders. “I’ve been dying a thousand deaths since yesterday. Time for that to end.”

  “Agreed.” The urge to take her in his arms, tell her he was here and everything was going to be all right was almost overpowering. Instead he jerked his head toward the truck. “We should get going.”

  “Yeah.” She made her way to the driver’s side as he walked around the back of the trailer.

  She was already in her seat, facing straight ahead when he got into his. “I’m glad you didn’t tell Maddie,” she said.

  “Me, too.”

  “And...I’m glad you’re here with me.” She turned her head to give him a candid look after putting the keys in the ignition. “Just don’t let me lean on you too much. I need to learn to handle this on my own.”

  “I’ll be the red handle you pull in case of emergency.”

  Faith bit her lip, but the smile broke through. “Thank you.” She shook her head and turned the key, still smiling a little.

  Drew forced his gaze forward, doing his best to tamp down the growing feelings of both attraction and protectiveness. He was getting to the point where he wasn’t certain where one ended and the other began, and that could easily get him into trouble if he didn’t watch himself.

  * * *

  SUMMIT LAKE WAS only fifty miles from Eagle Valley, and Drew kept up an easy conversation as they drove, which was remarkable, since, as Drew had once told her, he wasn’t a talker. But he seemed determined to keep Faith’s mind off her upcoming trigger-fest. They talked about general matters—movies, television, books. Superficial topics that kept her from dwelling on her past.

  The rodeo started at five. There would be no dark parking lot. No overnight stay. And she had a pretty good size bodyguard. But the smells would be there.

  Faith’s heart started beating faster as she pulled into the rodeo grounds, but it always beat faster when she arrived at a competition.

  You can do this. You can’t let what that jerk did to you run your life.

  There weren’t that many rigs parked in the competitors’ area. She’d purposely picked a smaller venue for her first outing—fewer witnesses that way. Drew was silent as she reached for her door handle. No last words. No pep talk.

  She let herself out of the truck, he did the same and they met at the hood. “What’s first?” he asked. Faith drew in a deep breath, felt her muscles tighten. The scents she associated with that night were there—concessions, grass, manure, animal. The only thing missing was the metallic taste of the gravel dust she’d sucked into her mouth and lungs as she’d fought off her attacker.

  Drew touched her hand and she jumped, then stared at him as his warm fingers wrapped around hers. “Smells are the worst,” he said. “When I smell diesel exhaust, it takes me straight back to the scene. Scorched anything...”

  Faith tightened her grip on his hand, stared into his cool blue eyes. “How do you deal?”

  “You kno
w that trick about identifying things close to you?”

  “I use it a lot.” She was using it now. Dark hair, gray shirt, blue eyes.

  “That.” He squeezed her hand. “And having someone close by.”

  “You have someone close by?”

  He smiled a little. “Most times they aren’t even people I know. I just look at them, pretend they’re friends.”

  “And it works?”

  “I don’t have to do it that often. And...I’ve never told anybody about it.”

  “You need to talk more.” Although he had talked a lot today.

  He surprised her by saying, “You might be right.”

  She pulled her hand out of his warm grasp and settled her fists on her hips. “I need to go to the office.”

  “Want me to come?”

  Her gut said, No. Her mouth said, “Yes.” She wasn’t going to screw this up. She was going to take advantage of the fact that she had someone willing to be here with her. Someone who might not be there the next time. If there was a next time.

  Drew waited outside while she checked in, then walked with her back to the truck and helped her unload Tommy. Then it was a waiting game—but not that long of a wait, because she’d purposely gotten there late, after the rodeo proper had begun.

  “I need to warm him up,” she said after Tommy was saddled. “I’ll be fine. I’m pretty sure I’m over the hump.”

  As long as she didn’t encounter something unexpected. Boots on gravel, the sudden appearance of a large guy. Her senses were on overload, but so far, so good.

  “Can I watch you warm up?”

  “As opposed to watching the rodeo?”

  He gave a careless shrug. “I’ve never been to a rodeo.”

  “How long have you lived in Montana?”

  “All my life.”

  She gave a short laugh. “You have no excuse.” He made a face at her and she smiled. It felt good to razz him, helped her ease back a couple of ticks toward normal. She swung up into the saddle—her practice saddle, rather than her custom saddle, thank you, Jared—and motioned toward the small practice arena where other competitors were trotting circles. “I’ll be over there.”

  “And I’ll be close by.”