PomPoms Up!

by Carol Cleveland

  Terry says, “Of course it’s heresy John! It’s attacking the church! And that has to be heretical John!”

  John says, “No, it’s not attacking the church necessarily. It’s about people who cannot agree with each other.”

  Ahhhh!…. so the film is about the Pythons then!!

  Next question: What is the meaning of life? Well, the Pythons had their own weird and wonderful views on that too, which they expressed in their fourth and final film The Meaning of Life. After the success of Life of Brian there was inevitable pressure for them to come together again to make another film. But by now they had developed their own solo careers and it became increasingly difficult to get them all together to write. And when they did manage it, it took a long time to agree on a theme. Eventually they decided on a sketch film based on the Seven Ages of Man.

  The film was not made with quite as much commitment as the others and John was getting bored, but it still has some memorable moments. I think the most memorable scene of all, and certainly one of the funniest, is the restaurant scene with ‘Mr Creosote’…. one of the most repulsive characters the boys had ever thought up! Terry J had put on a bit of weight by now, but not this much – this guy was the most obese man in the world! Poor Terry had to endure a three and a half hour make-up job and then go out and direct the scene as well as act in it – not an easy task!

  The scene is set in a large elegant French restaurant, but, as they were unable to find such an establishment in London, a large room in the Porchester Street Baths, Paddington, was used instead and made up to look like a restaurant. Everyone is in thirties attire and the whole scene looks quite lovely…. to begin with. Then Mr Creosote arrives and the grossness begins! John, as the maître d’ says:

  “Ah, good afternoon Sir, and how are we today?”

  “Better.”

  “Better?”

  “Better get a bucket. I’m going to throw up.”

  And so he does…. all the way through the scene! There were endless takes to try to get the vomiting to look real. First a tube was attached to the side of Terry’s mouth away from camera, but on the first attempt too much spewed out and went all over the back of one of the female extras lovely dress. She was most upset, as the dress was her own! She went off to get cleaned up but never returned.

  They eventually had to abandon that idea and inserted a tube into Terry’s mouth instead. This meant poor Terry spent three days with ‘vomit ’either in, smeared around or coming out of his mouth. It’s a wonder that he never threw up himself. Other people did however!

  The vomit was made up of a vile concoction of condensed vegetable soup and Russian salad dressing and was kept in three bathtubs in an adjacent room. Due to the heat from the lamps it started to ‘go off ’ by the second day and everyone started to look rather pale. Even the film extras, a hardy lot who’d usually do anything for an extra day’s work, were going off sick, and the queue for lunch was unusually short. I was so glad my mother wasn’t on this one!

  There was tension in the air too. John didn’t appear to be very happy making this film and on this occasion he and Terry were openly disagreeing about how a particular scene should be shot and it was getting a bit heated. The scene in question was mine and Graham’s. The focus now shifted onto us, seated at a table behind Mr Creosote, and there was an audible sigh of relief from everyone in the room that the vomiting was over for a bit! I think they were expecting something a bit more pleasant now but they were in for a shock! Terry shouted for “Quiet” while we rehearsed the scene.

  Maître D: “Monsieur, is there something wrong with the food?”

  Guest: “No. The food was…excellent…”

  Maître D: “Perhaps you are not happy with the service?”

  Guest: “No… no complaints…”

  Wife: “It’s just that we have to go – um – I’m having rather a heavy period.”

  Guest: “And… we… have a train to catch.”

  Wife: “Oh! Yes! Yes… of course! We have a train to catch…. and I don’t want to start bleeding all over the seats.”

  There were a few moments silence and then, from the back of the room, came a male voice….

  “Who WROTE this?!”

  The last shot was when Mr Creosote explodes and all the guests get covered in him! Volunteers were asked for from the remaining extras but no hands went up. What a surprise! I’m thinking that those who took on the job must have been very well paid. A giant catapult was used to hurl offal all over them… and the tables… and the walls.

  There was to be a wedding reception in the room the following day! One can only hope they got rid of the stench in time. I have this image of people coming in and remarking on the rather strange smell and a lady saying, “Darling…. what’s that red stuff hanging from the lamp shade?”

  My other scenes come near the end of the film, when the final stage of man is ‘Death.’ I play a receptionist who welcomes everyone to Heaven, which in the film is part of Super Inn Hotels. I ask them to fill in a registration form which is barely seen on screen, but it might have been. You never know when a director might say, “I’d like a close up of that now,” so the prop man has to be prepared. He did a good job on this form – it’s very funny – and I believe I’m the only person who actually had a good look at it and kept it as a souvenir.

  My last scene in the film was the one I enjoyed doing most – one reason being that there was no vomit in it! It takes place in the Dungeon Room Restaurant of the hotel and I play a waitress dressed as a ‘Beefeater,’ but looking and sounding more like a stripper in a seedy Bronx nightclub. It was a very funny scene, although – and because – I do end up saying the F-word! There were a lot of laughs from the crew and Terry J when we filmed it and I knew he was very happy with the scene, so I was rather surprised when he called me one evening to tell me that, regrettably, he was going to have to cut it from the film.

  There were two scenes in the Dungeon Room – mine and another one with John. Terry sweetly explained to me that the section was too long and one scene would have to go. He said that although my scene was undoubtedly the funnier of the two John’s was more in keeping with the film’s theme, the meaning of life. This was one occasion I was really unhappy about ending up on the cutting-room floor! A few months later I joined the others at the premiere and noted that, when it came to the Dungeon Room scene, there weren’t too many laughs. The following day I got a call from Terry J with an apology and an admission that he’d made a mistake. He said he was very sorry and he’d aim to re-instate my scene one day. He kept his word and I’m back on the DVD.

  At the time of the film’s release, the Pythons confessed that their aim was to offend “absolutely everyone.” Maybe they did and maybe they didn’t, but either way it would be the last feature film that all six of them would come together on. Graham died in 1989 and the rest have gone on to work on their solo film, stage and TV productions.

  I also have continued with film work, but nothing quite as enjoyable, exciting, rewarding and just plain crazy as doing a film with the Python boys. I hope it won’t be the last time for me!

  Of course the Pythons had their own idols – most importantly The Goons. They were all great fans of Peter Sellers, but I believe only John actually got to work with him. That is, John…. and me!

  In 1974 I spent a week in Gstaad, Switzerland, the beautiful alpine resort frequented by the rich and famous, and I stayed in the exquisite, legendary Gstaad Palace Hotel. I would describe this as a working holiday as I was filming on The Return of the Pink Panther. As far as location filming goes this had to be the best! The hotel was plush and beautiful and we pretty well had it to ourselves as it was out of season. It was also being used for much of the interior shots of the film. I only had one scene to do but I’d been brought to the location well in advance – the reason being that the scene was still being written! I’d had a jolly flight over with Victor Spinetti and on arrival was introduced to the film’s leading lady, Cather
ine Schell. She and I had an immediate rapport and would spend the rest of the week together in fits of laughter. There was a lot of laughter from everyone connected with this film and it was great fun to do.

  The director of course was Blake Edwards and on my second day there all the cast were invited for lunch at the lovely home he shared with his wife, Julie Andrews. The view from their balcony was quite breath-taking and, had Julie not been there, I might have been tempted to break into song: ‘The hills are alive…..’

  Working with Peter Sellers was certainly an interesting experience…. in many ways! When he was in character he literally became ‘Inspector Clouseau’! I discovered this when I was doing my scene with him. During a break between takes I spoke to him and he answered as Clouseau and stayed in character as Clouseau until we’d finished filming. But when he was Peter he could still be very different people, depending on the mood he was in…. and one never knew what mood that might be.

  One evening about a dozen of us – including Catherine, Victor, Christopher Plummer, Burt Quark and Graham Stark – were all gathered around the hotel bar and getting ready to set off to a smart restaurant in town. We hadn’t mentioned it to Peter because he often went to bed early and wasn’t usually interested in socialising too much. But then he suddenly appeared and asked where we were off to? We invited him to join us, thinking he’d decline, but instead, he said:

  “Yes… lovely! Where are we going?”

  He was in great spirits and it turned out to be an evening I’m sure none of us will ever forget. He sat at the end of the table and spent the entire time regaling us with delightful and hilarious jokes and anecdotes. He was on top form and I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so much. When the bill came he insisted on taking care of it. It was a magical night!

  The following evening some of us were gathered at the same place, getting ready to go off to a different restaurant. We wanted to invite Peter, but no one had seen him anywhere. Then we spotted him only a few yards away, sitting alone in the restaurant area perusing the menu. Victor quickly rushed over to him and said:

  “Peter…. we’re off to another restaurant. Come on…. our turn to treat you!”

  He shouted at Victor:

  “No! I don’t want to! Just go away and leave me alone!”

  On another occasion, Catherine, Victor and I were spending an evening in the hotel’s disco. It was rather late and we were very surprised to see Peter appear at the entrance as he hadn’t shown any interest in going there before. We waved and he came over and sat down with us, but refused the offer of a drink. After a few minutes he asked me if I’d like to dance. This was totally unexpected but I was, of course, delighted to accept! Up until now I’d had very little one-to-one conversation with him, let alone have his arm around my waist. We danced for only a few minutes before he suddenly said:

  “It’s too hot and stuffy down here…. I’m going back up to my suite. Will you come with me Carol? We can have a drink together there. Yes? Come on. I could do with a bit of company.”

  I couldn’t help thinking that if it was only company he needed then he could have invited all four of us to join him. Or maybe he DID just want someone to talk to. But all my instincts, plus the way he held me close to him on the dance floor, told me he was in need of a bit more than just conversation. How I would have loved to have spent some time alone with him, but I didn’t want to find myself in yet another Garner/Beatty situation!

  “Oh, Peter…. thanks for asking, but…. you know, I’m really enjoying dancing right now…. just letting my hair down! Hope you don’t mind…. I’m in a ‘bopping’ mood!”

  He shrugged his shoulders and was gone. I next saw him two days later when it came time to do my scene with him. It was a rather odd scene which unfortunately ended up on the cutting room floor! A lot of the Pink Panther scenes ended up that way! Peter would get all sorts of ideas for a scene which he’d want to try out and then, if it didn’t work for him on screen, it went in the bin. I’m guessing that about a quarter of what was filmed ended up being cut!

  When I got this job all I knew was that the scene took place in a restaurant and I’d be wearing a Sari. I assumed therefore that I would be Indian…. but why cast ME?! Now that I finally had a script I saw that it was all about the Sari, rather than who was wearing it!

  In brief: Inspector Clouseau is following Lady Claudine at a distance. She enters a restaurant. He’s standing behind me in a queue when he realises his flies are undone. Without looking down, he gets my Sari caught in his zip. I move away and he’s forced to follow me. Eventually, as I walk up some steps, the Sari is gradually unfolding while he is following very close behind me, frantically trying to get his zip unstuck… which of course, looks like he’s doing something else! The scene ends with him holding my Sari in his hands and me standing in my knickers as my husband chases after him. I’d love to see the scene…. but never will, alas…. and neither will you.

  I do still appear in the film though! Thinking my work was done I went to the disco that night and didn’t get to bed ‘til the early hours, having consumed a number of vodka and tonics. I’d only had two hours sleep when the phone rang, jolting me awake. It was the film’s first assistant enquiring if I could swim well enough to dive into the hotel’s pool. My answer being affirmative, I was required to be at the pool area in half an hour’s time. Great! So, all you see of me now is my diving off the side of the pool, while Clouseau, who is sitting looking up at me, falls backwards into the pool at the same time. It’s a wonder I didn’t drown!

  That’s show-biz folks!

  Chapter Sixteen

  THE STORY OF AN INCURABLE ROMANTIC

  I felt dreadful about leaving my husband alone, but being the incurable romantic that I am I just had to follow my heart. We decided that he should stay in our Maida Vale house and continue the running of our rental business. This worked well for about a year, but eventually we sold the remainder of the lease to a construction company who modernised the whole interior.

  Once we had agreed to separate I decided it was time for me to move to the seaside, which was something I’d wanted to do for a long time. It would also be cheaper than buying a property in London.

  I took my bike on the train down to Brighton and spent a day cycling around looking at properties. Unbelievably I found the perfect one at the perfect price and I went straight back to the estate agent to make an offer. Everything happened very quickly after that and in a matter of weeks, Nigel and I, plus my two cats, had moved into our cosy terraced cottage by the sea.

  I was a bit worried at first that perhaps I‘d rushed into everything without giving it enough thought and I might regret moving out of London, but strangely enough I didn’t miss the big Maida Vale house or even being in the heart of London. I’d discovered the ‘country girl’ within me and as time went on I made less and less train trips up to the Big City.

  Nigel and I easily settled into our new life together and we were blissfully happy. We loved picnicking on the beach and sitting in our garden under the apple tree and giving little parties with our new friends. Not only did we play together but we worked together too – we performed in several plays at the Haymarket Theatre in Leicester. These were wonderful days.

  On our first anniversary I gave Nigel a beautifully wrapped cardboard box, in which there were six more boxes, each one within the other…. the last one being very small. Inside was my ‘coil’! From the very beginning we had both wanted a baby, but I had suggested that we should just enjoy each other first, for one year. Now we were ready to make that commitment to each other and I couldn’t wait to get pregnant! One month passed, then another, and another without any luck! It turned out that I had an obstruction which was making it more difficult for me to conceive, but not impossible – so we kept trying.

  Meanwhile, we both kept busy…. although Nigel’s work took him away quite a bit, mainly working in theatre at Leicester where he was very popular. It didn’t help that for a couple of months
he was only home at weekends and when he was home he was tired and not his usual self.

  Every smart woman knows that you shouldn’t ask your man a question if you don’t want to hear the answer, but sometimes you just have to ask – then you wish you hadn’t!

  I couldn’t believe it! How could he do that to US?! I kept shouting:

  “No! Not us! Not US!”

  He said it wasn’t love – it was just a fling and he didn’t want us to part. I went for a long walk by the sea and decided that we owed it, not only to ourselves, but to our ex-spouses as well, to make this relationship work.

  He swore that he’d never hurt me like that again and I so wanted to believe him. We managed another year together before the tell-tale signs were there, but this time it was ‘love’ and he did go on to marry her…. which softened the blow a bit. I totally went to pieces and it took me another year to get over it, but at least I hadn’t got pregnant and ended up as a single mother.

  Another year on and I was engaged again to a devilishly handsome man, also called Peter, who was a bit of a bad boy and totally unsuitable for me. We parted after two and a half years, but not before we’d had some great times together…. and he was an incredible lover!

  Just like my mother, I’ve never been one to give up and within a year I was engaged again! Carl Waxman, unlike all the other men in my life, was not particularly handsome – unless you think Groucho Marx was – but he was very funny! I met him on a cruise ship, a few months after Peter and I had parted. He wasn’t a passenger however – he was part of the ship’s entertainment.

  Mummy and I had treated ourselves to a cruise around the Caribbean and Carl found us on deck as we were getting ready to sail. Once he’d discovered my Python connection, there was no getting rid of him – not that we wanted to! He was not only highly amusing, but a great tour guide as well. We kept in touch when I returned home and it wasn’t long before I was off on another cruise – well, several cruises actually, one after another – around Australia, Tasmania, New Zealand and the South Pacific.