by Jim Sano
David said, “He gave us His only son.”
“Correct and correct. Let me give you an example of how backward we tend to have things in today’s world. While Jesus, the man, poured himself out to give His body up for us, most men today ask women to give their bodies up for them. We use people instead of loving them.”
Luke said, “That puts selfishness in perspective.”
“Once you remove the self-referential nature of ‘loving’ someone and truly want the good for them, with ‘no strings attached,’ then you are getting closer to the kind of love God has for us. To truly live, you have to die of yourself, your ego. To receive what matters, you have to give everything away. To receive love, you have to give it away. What do you think the opposite of love is?”
David replied, “Hate.”
Luke smirked as if he had heard this riddle before.
Tom said, “Try selfishness. Jesus came to show us God’s love and how to love each other. True love doesn’t focus on itself but on the other. I think Paul said it best in a letter when he wrote to the Corinthians. ‘Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Love never ends.’ He said faith, hope, and love were the greatest virtues, but it is love that endures since we will no longer need faith or hope in heaven.”
David took a sip of his drink and asked, “Tom, I assume you just laid out an important foundation for answering my question?”
Tom made eye contact with David. “I know, ‘What things should you be doing to be a man your father can love and be proud of?’ Remember when we were in the church and we were looking at the rose window?’”
“I remember.”
“Do you remember our conversation about it?”
“Um, we talked about not putting ourselves or any other priorities in the center that don’t belong there. We said life only works when we put God or Christ at the center and then order our lives around that center, recognizing who made us and whose will we should trust and follow.”
“You actually paid attention, huh? If you try doing that and thinking about what we talked about tonight, I don’t think you need me to tell you anything you can’t figure out for yourself.”
David’s instincts told him Tom was most likely right, so he didn’t argue back as the waiter set the food on the table.
“Ah,” Tom said, “We can finally get down to important things like some egg roll, low mein, and hong sue gai chicken.”
All three laughed.
David valued what Tom had said, but the laughter was a good break from the serious conversation.
Chapter 37
Back at his apartment, David poured himself a glass of water then sat in his favorite leather chair with a pen and a lined pad of paper, while Trooper lay by his side. He had planned on writing a list of a new set of priorities but felt immobilized when it came to listing the most important priority, so he laid the pad down on the coffee table. Then he closed his eyes, imagined the stained glass rose window, and visually tried to empty out the center of all he had placed there over the years.
He remembered his father telling him once that he would know God was thinking of him if his heart was beating and his lungs were breathing. He started to talk out loud, “I know we haven’t talked for a very long time. I’m really not sure exactly what to say, but I think I need Your help. I know I need Your help. I know I need to keep You at the center of my life, but I still don’t understand why You let all this happen to my family. I think we were a good family. I truly don’t understand Your plan here, and I know I need to think about it now. Please take care of my father. Please help me to change and be who You want me to be.” He sat with his eyes closed trying to listen for a responding voice in the silence. He listened for quite some time and heard nothing but the quiet of his apartment. Then he felt an unusual sense of peace that everything was going to be okay. This wasn’t a feeling he had experienced since he was very young, back when he felt as if things would always be all right as long as his father was around.
David kept his eyes closed, and in the dark, he began to see the light of the rose window in front of him. He could feel himself moving his own self out of the center and letting go of control long enough to feel God in the center. Around the center, he could see three smaller stained glass sections. He was trying to imagine who the figures were in these sections. He couldn’t see the figures, but he had a strong sense that his father and family were in one of them. It wasn’t just the living members of his family, but all of them, including Jimmy and his mother, and neither seemed angry nor unforgiving. He didn’t want to move, but his eyes floated to the next section, and he had a strong sense Kathleen, Amy, and James were there waiting for him. When his mind’s eye moved to the third section, he couldn’t get any sense of who or what resided here. It wasn’t a sense that it was empty, but that he couldn’t make out the image. He felt his eyes beginning to open to the light of the room, and it took him a second to adjust and focus on Trooper, who was watching him with much curiosity.
He picked up the pad of paper from the table and began to write on one line and then the next with a feeling of purpose.
David slept deeply that night without any of the restlessness he had been experiencing recently. When he woke up close to nine, he felt a different energy in his stride as he took off for a run that ended up near St. Anthony’s. He had intended to stop by to see if Tom were available, but he noticed him talking with someone who seemed familiar. As he got closer, he could see it was Jillian talking to Tom just outside the rectory door. Even though he felt exhausted at that point, he picked up the pace and passed them unnoticed on the other side of the road. He was finding the same old pattern of questions starting to run through his head. Why were they talking? Were they talking about him behind his back? Why hadn’t Tom said anything to him about Jillian before? Could he trust him completely? None of the questions were making him feel comfortable as he headed back home. After much angst, he knew he had to find out what Tom knew about Jillian, but it took him two weeks to finally walk over to the church on a Sunday night. Tom had Mass at 7:00 and David noticed a lot of college students socializing out front of the church afterward.
David entered the church as someone was putting a few things away from the altar when he noticed Tom in the back. The lights were dimmed and soft against the walls and columns. Tom had taken off his vestments and was wearing his more traditional black shirt and collar, black pants, shoes, and a friendly smile. Tom walked towards the back of the church as David slowly walked towards him until they met in the middle where they had stood many weeks ago. Tom reached out his hand to David. “David, I’ve missed you. I hope everything’s all right.”
David didn’t reach out to shake Tom’s hand. “I actually came by a few Saturdays ago but you were busy talking with someone outside your rectory door.”
David watched Tom’s face as he made the connection. Nodding, Tom said, “I assume we are talking about someone you know?”
“Yes, and I think you know who I’m talking about. Why would you be seeing Jillian Miller?”
Tom nodded in an understanding gesture. “I’m sure you can appreciate that I can’t talk about any of the conversations I have had with Jillian.”
“Conversations? How often do you see her?”
“Originally, she had come to see me out of concern for you after that September 11 anniversary, when you left her after seeing me. She came back for herself. She wasn’t doing well with the sudden change in her relationship with you. We just talked through some things. I didn’t disclose anything about you, and she respected that. She just wanted to know if you were okay and if she had caused anything that happened. I let her know you were all right, that I thought you needed time with family matters that had suddenly come up, and that you were torn betwee
n wanting to see that she was okay and not wanting to hurt her more. I hope all that was okay, David. I didn’t feel as if I could leave her to fall into a pit of self-rejection and blame.”
David sat down and stared blankly at the empty bench in front of him for several moments. “I’m sorry, Tom. I should never doubt you or your intentions. For some reason, my instincts keep sending me in the wrong direction. Thanks for being honest and for taking good care of Jillian. I would want her to have someone to talk with, and I’m glad she chose you.”
“Thanks for understanding and caring. I do think she's going to be okay.” He sat down next to David. “You said you came by a few weeks ago. Were you coming to see me for anything in particular?”
“I did. I was thinking about what you said when we were out with your brother that Friday night. You said I could figure out my priorities on my own if I got the foundational things right. I, um, I don’t know if I prayed, but I actually tried talking with God for the first time since I was a boy, and maybe that time when Amy had been in an accident with her bike that sent her to the hospital.”
Tom looked fondly at him. “David, talking to God is praying. It’s a relationship and like any friendship, you need to spend time together, to reveal yourself, to be heard, and to really take the time to listen. The answers may not come in the form you expect, but they come. How did it go?”
“I don’t really know, but I asked for help and tried to be still, which isn’t easy for me. I visualized the rose window you talked about, to unclutter the center, and then put God in that spot. Then I just waited to see how the rest sorted itself out. I only got a short glimpse of two of the three sections around the center.”
“Do you remember what they were?”
David nodded. “They had to do with my family growing up and with my family now, Amy and James. I got a sense I should focus there and think about what a man would do. In terms of my father, would a real man give up on his dad? Would he see him and be there for him? I decided I want to ask him to forgive me for not trusting in him. I want him to know he’s not alone, that I’m going to be there for him. But I also think it would mean a lot to him if I was the man he had always hoped I would be.”
David stared up at the ceiling as his eyes filled with tears. “I want him to be proud of his son. If you read his letters, he never gave up on me and tried to teach me what it was to be a man, to be humble and strong at the same time in my faith. To be the kind of father who makes a difference to his own children, letting them know how much they are valued and loved while challenging them to be who they really are. He’d want me to reach out more to my brother and sister. My whole life has been about me, about work and success, about stuff and staying busy enough to ignore that I’m not a man at all but a selfish and frightened boy avoiding pain instead of dealing with it.”
Tom put his hand on David’s shoulder. “I can imagine none of that feels very good right now. While I’m not going to disagree with everything you said, I do think you are being very hard on yourself.”
David turned to Tom. “Yeah, look at you. You are giving your life to others. What am I doing with my work but serving myself?”
“Okay. I think of your job as serving quite a few people. You have a gift you are using to teach and build an incredibly good sales force that brings in business.”
“Wow, really earthshaking.”
“Think about it. That success helps to create tens of thousands of jobs, giving an opportunity for all those people to have families and to provide for them. In turn, all the companies that do business with IMG then grow and offer the same opportunity to their employees. Think of how many people’s lives you actually touch in a meaningful way. Many more than I do in my little corner.”
“Thanks, Tom. I’ll have to think about that a little more, but I know I’m falling short with my family. I grew up without a father for so many years, and I should know better than anyone that sending a check and going out to dinner or a game a handful of times a year isn’t the same thing as being there!”
“As I said, I’m not going to disagree with everything you said. We’re not perfect and we get off the track many times in life. The good news is this is one thing you can do something about. You can’t change the past, but you can start today to avoid making it the only thing they remember. This is one of the most important roles a man has in life, so I’d give yourself some credit for seeing it now. You’d be surprised how many men don’t come to this realization until after they retire, and they’ve had time to reflect.”
“Thanks for being straight with me. I need your honesty even if it stings a bit. I don’t know exactly how I’m going to start, but I’m going to see what I can do.”
“David, I’m not a father like yourself, but I’ve learned over the years that kids don’t expect or even need their parents to be perfect, they just need to know they matter enough for you to care and love them. I have a feeling that, whatever you do, you will touch their hearts in a really good way.”
David sat forward. “I hope so. As I said, I just wanted to let you know where I am on things and to thank you for being a friend. I hope I’m not becoming a nuisance or a drain on you.”
“Quite the opposite. Your friendship is a great joy to me and your courage to be so openly honest with yourself and caring about where you’re heading is an inspiration to me. One thing I’d keep on doing is taking just a few moments each day to have that talk with God, and in the silence, try to hear His voice and look for it all around you. I’m going to keep praying for you and for your family, including your dad. I hope you will feel comfortable to see him sometime soon.”
They both stood up and walked to the entrance doors. “I’ll give it a try and will blame your praying if it doesn’t work.”
Tom laughed and turned towards the front of the church, genuflected and made the Sign of the Cross before turning back to walk out with David. David took Tom’s hand this time and gave it a firm shake as they said goodnight and headed towards their respective homes.
As David walked away, he could hear Tom yell out, “The boys are missing their favorite coach!” David didn’t turn but smiled and put his arm up to wave, acknowledging he heard him.
Chapter 38
On Wednesday afternoon, David walked to St. Anthony’s with his sports bag in hand. As he headed to the school entrance doors, David could see Sister Helen in the lobby. He hadn’t seen her since the time she hugged him. When he got to the door, she blushed, and he could tell. He gave her a smile that told her he wouldn’t let this moment go by without maximum leverage.
“Good afternoon, Sister. Now I know a Christian woman such as yourself wouldn’t show someone love and affection that was conditional or could be bought.”
Sister Helen blushed. “No, Mr. Kelly, it was an honest—”
She stopped as David pulled out an envelope and placed it in her hand. “No explanation is necessary, but it was nice to get a hug.” He started towards the gym doors as she opened the envelope to find a check to St. Anthony’s School for one hundred thousand dollars.
She called out and quickly caught up with David. “I don’t understand! What is this for?”
He grinned. “I hoped it might help out here with some repairs. The first gift you received was a much larger one, though.”
She tilted her head, confused. “I don’t follow. This is five times the amount of that gift. How could it be much greater?”
David took notice of her sincere face. “I think there’s something in the Bible Tom explained to me. You know, about a widow’s offering from the little she had. In this case, that widow was my father. That was a much greater gift than I just gave you, but this is a start.” Sister Helen’s eyes were now puddles, and she put both of her arms around David and thanked him. David hugged her back with a look of fondness to let her know how much he appreciated it.
When David opened the door to the gym, a few of the boys ran over to him eager to tell him about the progress they were m
aking on their dribbling, shooting, and boxing-out skills. Tom was working with a group of boys on a few fundamental plays and gave a thumbs up when he saw David organizing the boys at the other end of the court.
After practice, David and Tom played one-on-one until they were exhausted and agreed it was a good night to stop at Dempsey’s for a burger and a cold beer.
Dempsey was glad to see them back after several weeks. He came over to the booth with two beers. “So, you’re finally thirsty enough to come back, or did the cat just drag you in?”
David took his beer. “We just missed that beautiful face and your amazing cooking. We’ll have two burgers.”
Tom raised his glass to Dempsey and agreed he had a beautiful face, and then added with a brogue, “that only a mother could love.”
As Dempsey walked away, Tom and David tapped their glasses. “It was good to have you back today. The boys really missed you after being stuck with just me for a few weeks. So, how are you doing?”
“I’m fine. I had a very long conversation with Kathleen, my ex-wife, about Amy and James and how I can become more involved. I give her a lot of credit; she didn’t use the conversation to let me know how absent I’ve been. She was happy to hear I was ready to step up to the plate. When I thought of my dad, I felt ashamed about how easy it was to distance myself from them and from my responsibility. It’s embarrassing to admit, but I know it’s the right thing to do.”
“I have a good feeling you’ll give them a great gift and one you’ll cherish as well.”
“Thanks, Tom. I have to say I’m more than a little nervous, but I’ll give it my best. I also got to thinking about Kathleen.”
“I haven’t heard you talk much about her. Are things friendly between you or is there friction?”
David stared down into his beer. “Things are fine. We don’t have arguments or anything, and I didn’t argue about support or the house, so there is no friction. We’ve been apart for six years now, and from what Amy’s told me, she hasn’t dated once. She’s smart, thoughtful, kind, fun to be with and still very attractive, and yet she seems to choose to be alone. I don’t really understand why.”