by Jim Sano
“Does that make you feel guilty?”
“I don’t know. Maybe a little, but she deserves to be happy.”
"Is faith important to Kathleen at all?”
“You would love Kathleen. She grew up Catholic and always went to church growing up. After we were married, she started reading and going to classes to learn more about her faith, and she became very devout. She always took the kids to church and didn’t make it an issue that I didn’t go.”
“Hmm.”
“What?”
“Did this become an issue for you in the relationship?”
“It may have bothered me a bit, but as I said, she wasn’t in my face about it. I just thought women tended to like going to church more than men.”
“David, if Kathleen is a devout Catholic, then she most likely won’t date.”
“We’re divorced. Why couldn’t she date?”
“The Church teaches that marriage is a commitment for life and not just as long as things are going well.”
“That’s not really practical. People fall out of love, things change, and you can’t expect people to be miserable for the rest of their lives. That makes no sense at all. It sounds almost cruel.”
Tom took a swig of his beer and set the mug down on the table. “One of the things the Church does is listen to what Jesus taught us about His Father’s plans, and then always trust He had a very good reason behind that plan, something we don’t always understand until we trust it fully.” Tom pulled a small book out of his jacket pocket and flipped through until he came to the passage marked Matthew 19.
“What’s this about?”
“Possibly the answer to why Kathleen believes what she does. Jesus is being asked here about divorce. He replies, ‘Have you not read that he who made them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one’? So they are no longer two but one. What therefore God has joined together, let no man put asunder. And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for unchastity, and marries another, commits adultery; and he who marries a divorced woman, commits adultery.’”
David was silent for several moments and then asked, “What does that mean?”
“Jesus is saying that God created man and woman for the covenant of marriage in which they become one. He tells us man cannot take apart what God has joined together, and that marriage is for life. A lot of people see marriage as just a civil arrangement or a breakable contract. In a contract, two parties enter into a mutually beneficial agreement exchanging goods and services. The guarantee is the ‘word’ of both parties where you sign your name on the bottom line. On your honor, you agree to fulfill the terms of the agreement. A contract can be dissolved by either party if it’s no longer beneficial, and the terms are usually stipulated.”
“That sounds right. Why doesn’t that describe a marriage agreement?”
“A marriage isn’t just a contract but a covenant.”
David ran his fingers up and down his mug. “What’s the difference?”
“A covenant is different in some really important ways. From the beginning of time, it was how you established family bonds when there was no blood relationship. Instead of exchanging goods and services, you exchange persons. The very nature of giving yourself means the arrangement is permanently binding. In a marriage, I give myself to you and I’m no longer mine but yours, so I can no longer give myself to anyone else. Does that difference make any sense?”
“I guess I can sort of see the distinction you are making.”
“Think about a civil contract where your honor or word is required in the agreement, but a covenant is so profound it requires an oath or a vow calling on God’s honor and name to be the guarantor of the covenant.”
“Huh. So, you are saying marriage is different and not breakable?”
“Exactly! Marriage is the ultimate example of a covenant and why it’s permanent since you’ve given yourself to someone. That covenant is made permanent when you give yourselves to each other on your wedding night. Sexual expression isn’t only fun but is actually where we intimately and sacramentally become one as we fully give ourselves in an act that bonds and can create life, a new family.”
David, mouth open, was shocked. “No one ever told me this.”
“It’s a shame when couples don’t really understand what they’ve gotten themselves into or really committed themselves to. Think about this. The real purpose of life is to know and experience God’s unconditional love for us and then give it to others. That’s the only way we’re going to be truly happy. Marriage is a relationship where we can see unconditional love in each other and get a glimpse of the face of God in that love.”
Tom let several seconds pass. “David, marriage is no small thing in God’s plans, and he has really good reasons for it. When Jesus was born, he revealed to us that God is three persons in one, a community of self-giving love. Think of marriage as a relationship that most closely reveals that community of love as two people become one while maintaining the dignity of each individual. It’s in that intimate relationship that you can fully discover your true self, love, and happiness through the total and sincere gift of self to each other.”
David was attentively listening as Tom continued. “Say you believe marriage is a breakable contract. Can you see how that would completely change the character of what a marriage is and how the two individuals relate to each other, never fully giving themselves to the other?”
“How’s that?”
“We all come to a relationship with some baggage, fears, and insecurities. Think of what a relationship would be like if you could really share anything and everything about yourself without fear of that person rejecting you or leaving you, no matter what. We don’t know where that journey will take us, but imagine taking it with someone we can trust with unconditional love, holding nothing back and without fear of rejection.”
David sat stunned at the thought. “Total trust?”
“Total. In a marriage, you die to self and give yourself fully to the other in a commitment of love for life, not because you expect something back. Think about how that changes your ability to be completely vulnerable and trust another person to love you unconditionally no matter what they find out about you. Being truly intimate involves being truly seen and still loved by another the way God sees and loves us. Letting someone truly into your life in a shared reality can be really difficult and requires that unconditional love, which allows you to trust that person to see your authentic self, the person you yourself may not have yet fully accepted. Marriage, in the real sense of the word, allows each of you to see the dignity, beauty, and value with which each of you was created—without hiding parts of yourself.”
David nodded thoughtfully, only too aware of his hidden self. Tom continued, “Wedding vows say you will love them in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, all the days of your life. Love isn’t willing the good for yourself through the other. Love is self-gift, about willing the good for the other, an unconditional and unending active love. The boy falls in love but when the infatuation stage is over, the boy leaves, and the real man will love.”
“So, you think Kathleen still believes she’s married and cannot date or marry again?”
“I think it’s very likely that she does.”
“But I thought Catholics had their own version of divorce. What’s that called?”
“I think you are referring to the annulment process. It is actually nothing like a divorce. Divorce is a legal process that looks at how a marriage ended. Annulment is a process too but to understand if a true marriage commitment ever took place in the beginning. It originated with royals being forced to marry purely for political reasons, to join kingdoms. The couples never chose each other. They weren’t married with a commitment based on love.
“Nowadays, there remain reasons why a couple may not have b
een capable of making a sacramental commitment. The couple may have been too immature or one of the parties may not have been free to marry or they were emotionally incapable of making a true marriage commitment. If the process reveals that a sacramental marriage commitment never happened, then they were never truly married to begin with. It doesn’t mean they didn’t have a relationship, or they never loved each other, but that a true commitment to sacramental marriage didn’t take place. As Jesus said, divorce and then remarriage isn’t possible since the divorced person can’t break a union God had joined, and they would be in a state of adultery. God knows the path that leads to true love, joy, and peace. Our human tendency is to take our own path instead.”
“It sounds almost impossible for two people to live that out for a lifetime, don’t you think?”
To David’s visible surprise Tom said, “I agree.” Tom sipped his beer. “That’s why it really has to be a marriage of three: wife, husband, and God being the strength and glue that makes the impossible possible.”
David smiled at Tom’s sincerity in what he was saying. “Tom, you have never been married. No disrespect, but how can you really know what it’s like to be married?”
“No disrespect was taken. It’s a fair question and one that isn’t always asked so politely. I’m sure you won’t be surprised if I say that it all starts with God. God is truth, and God is love and always giving love. Since marriage is all about experiencing all the ups and downs of life together in the context of that love, I can share that with the hundreds of couples and people I talk with every day who share their struggles, falls, and concerns with me. I’m inside the marriages and families of so many people. It’s an experience few people have the opportunity to know. Despite popular belief, priests are human and grow up in families and experience their parents’ marriages firsthand. Books that share experiences and thoughts on marriage and studying human psychology for years is helpful, but it’s the person-to-person contact that makes it real. I agree it’s not the same as living it day to day, through the joy, intimacy, and laughs, and also through the hurts, anger, arguments, and disappointments.”
David said, “I never thought about how many marriages you get to see up close.”
“You’d be amazed. The priesthood itself is like a marriage. Remember when I said that Jesus is the bridegroom of his bride, the Church. A priest gives himself in love to the Church to serve as a husband cherishes his bride. It’s a commitment for life, in good times and in bad, in which he is called to give himself fully in service to the Church and to God. The only difference is, when a priest has a problem in his relationship with God, he knows who the problem is with.”
David laughed. “Well, that makes things easy. But I think you left out giving up something else as well?”
Tom nodded. “I know what you are talking about, but it’s really a small sacrifice for what I receive in return.”
“But you give up sex, a wife, and kids!”
Tom stared into his almost empty mug. After a few minutes, he whispered, “Those I lost twenty years ago.”
David knew immediately what he meant and shared the silence with Tom.
After paying and saying goodnight to Dempsey, David and Tom found themselves in a familiar spot outside the front door of the pub. Tom patted David on the shoulder. “It was good to see you. I’m glad you came by the gym. It looks like we’ll have a team to start the season in a few weeks.”
“They are a good group of boys and I’m enjoying them. And as usual, I appreciate your listening to my drivel.”
“It’s not drivel, David.”
“Well, it’s uncharted territory for me to say the least.”
“True for all of us. Tell me, have you had any more thoughts about seeing your dad?”
“No, not really,” he replied, then laughed. “Actually, I don’t know if I’ve thought of anything else but that, lately. I want to get a few things in place before I contact him. I was hoping to catch Angelo to ask him not to say anything.”
“I’m sure Angelo would honor your wishes.”
On the way home, David thought of the way his life was about to change.
Chapter 39
It would be a difficult balancing act for David to meet the demands of delivering the all-important fourth-quarter sales results while refocusing his personal priorities. He saw Amy and James every weekend that didn’t conflict with their schedules. Amy was still a bit wary of her father’s motives and commitment, but James was all too happy to take advantage of the newfound time with his dad. When the St. Anthony’s team played scrimmage games on Saturdays with the other local Catholic schools, James came to be the ball boy and shoot around before the games. David also helped out at My Brother’s Table when he could and brought Kathleen and Amy to help serve one time. He even convinced some of his crew at work to volunteer at a few lunches during November and for Thanksgiving Day. Both Kathleen and Amy, as well as the guys from work, saw a side of David that they didn’t recognize. He was also noticing this unknown side of himself and felt more confident about seeing his dad.
David filled out the required prison visit application, and more importantly, he wrote to his dad for the first time. It took him several evenings to write what he wanted to say, and he still felt unsure that he had it right.
Dear Pop,
I guess the above greeting narrows down who this letter is from. I met your friend Angelo, and he brought me the news I never thought was possible, despite wishing it were so all my life. I still can’t believe you are alive and doing well, under the circumstances. Angelo also brought me a gift that was only second to the news you are alive, and that was your loving and faithful letters. I have spent many nights reading each one with tears in my eyes—not only from reading what you wrote but also missing life with you over each of those years.
I thought you might also like to know you have two grandchildren from me and one from Abbie. My oldest, Amy, is sixteen and sometimes too intelligent and beautiful for her own good but you will really like her. James is seven and just starting to gain some confidence in himself. He loves baseball and he will hopefully take after his grandfather. I’m sure you’re aware by now mom passed away this August. She was buried next to her sister Marie as she always wanted. She worked hard to keep the family together and provided for us growing up. I don’t know why she didn’t accept all the loving letters you sent to each of us without fail. The only thing we knew or thought we knew was you were both dead and guilty of all the charges. I wish she knew the truth as Angelo has graciously divulged to me.
My wish is to come down to Virginia to see you in person if you are ok with that. I will have to admit I am a little nervous to meet you, but I’m more excited than anything else. At times I think of myself as eight years old again and meeting you as a young boy, instead of a thirty-nine-year-old man. I received approval to come down any weekend you would like. If there is anything I can bring or do for you, please let me know. I look forward to hearing back from you and even more to finally seeing you again.
Much love,
David
David sent the letter express and received a prompt reply from his father, who seemed to be overjoyed by the prospect of seeing his son. David scheduled his flight for Friday. Once on the plane to Richmond, part of David regretted not having flown down the day before to spend Thanksgiving with his father, but he also felt as if he needed more time to prepare himself emotionally. At the hotel, anxiety and anger took turns playing with him. How would he feel when he finally saw his father face-to-face? Would his anger evaporate now that he knew the truth? He tried his best to sleep, but dreams of the week his brother died, his father being arrested, the police, the newspaper reporters who came to the family’s North End apartment more times than he could count, all flooded his mind and kept him awake most of the night.
The night seemed to last forever, but the morning did come. The State Penitentiary ran a strict visitation schedule, and David was to meet his father for a
scheduled one-hour slot from eleven to twelve o’clock, arriving one hour earlier in order to pass through security. He drove towards the prison, and reality started to sink in when he recognized the white building that sat behind the walls and barbed wire fences from the postcard Angelo had left in his apartment.
He brought his approved visitor papers and one of the guards escorted him into the facility with its cold hard walls and steel bars. He emptied his pockets of all his belongings except for pictures of Amy and James and was patted down in his security check. As he was moved further into the building to the visiting area, he could hear the unsettling sound of the sliding doors with thick metal bars slamming shut behind him. There was nothing about the prison building that felt anything but cold, hard, and uncomfortably empty of life. It made him appreciate his life, and at the same time, wonder how his father was able to be unbroken by such hardness for thirty years.
The visitors were led to a waiting area and his heart was beating at an incredibly fast pace as he waited to be moved into the visiting room where he’d see a man without even knowing what he looked like. Finally, the heavy-barred gate to the visiting room opened, and one by one, each visitor was led into a specific booth with a seat, a small counter space, and a telephone on each side of the thick pane of glass that separated them. There would be no embrace or even a handshake today or maybe ever. He sat down and waited for what seemed like an eternity until the prisoners were brought in one at a time and escorted to the other side of the glass from their visitor. They all wore the same blue denim shirts and pants, and he couldn’t tell which man his father was until a guard brought one of the prisoners to where he was sitting. The man, visibly older than David had pictured, had black and gray-peppered hair, and wore a prison shirt with the number 316 over his pocket. It was obvious this may have been his first time in the visiting room as well, since it didn’t look routine to him either.