Rowan

by Terra Wolf

  “You’re right.” I could see that he was taken aback at my agreement and added, “I see that now. I should have tried harder to make you a part of his life and my decision not to is something that I will always have to deal with. I can’t change the past but I am willing to work with you to make the future better for everyone involved here. I am ready to do right by both you and Liam so I am begging you that we try to move past this and focus on what is best for him.”

  “And that is knowing his father loves him and is willing to die to protect him,” Rowan said. “I should tell him. He has the right to know just like I did.”

  I panicked and closed the distance between us with haste. I grabbed a hold of Rowan’s arms and tugged.

  “Have you told him? Please, tell me you didn’t, Rowan. Not like this. Not without me,” I cried.

  “Of course I didn’t. I am still a stranger to him. I’m not going to just spring it on the poor kid,” he replied, pulling away from my touch like he couldn’t stand it.

  I breathed a sigh of relief, my body sagging with the feeling. I refused to focus of the aching disappointment of having him visibly pull away from me.

  “But doesn’t he already know? He said you have a picture of me.”

  I nodded. “Yeah, I do. But I haven’t said the words of who you are to him. But we will together, when he feels better.”

  “And if he’s better tomorrow, will we tell him then?” He asked as if expecting me to say no.

  I meant what I said. Liam was a growing boy who needed a father figure in his life. He was already noticing the fact that other kids at the daycare had daddies in their lives and he didn’t. I had fielded the questions he had so far but I knew his curiosity would only make the situation more volatile.

  He needed to be told that he had a father who obviously cared for him. I would never deny him that. Not again.

  “Yes, Rowan. I just want him to feel good when he gets the news.”

  Rowan didn’t get a chance to respond because we interrupted.

  “Mommy?”

  The small voice had both our heads turning sharply toward the living room then we were both moving.

  I got to Liam first. He was sitting up on the couch, the blanket pooled around his hips. His cute little mouth was stretched in a yawn and his was rubbing his tired eyes.

  I pulled him into a hug.

  Rowan stood behind the couch, watching the display with a guarded expression.

  When I kept the embrace too long, Liam began to squirm. I let him go, pulled back and smoothed his hair way from his face, feeling for his temperature in the same movement.

  He was cool to the touch.

  “Did you have a good time with… Rowan?” I asked.

  Rowan's jaw clenched at my hesitation.

  Liam glanced back at Rowan and the man’s expression instant change to one of utter devotion. It was like watching the sun suddenly break through the clouds.

  It made regret settle in my stomach. I really should have told him about Liam sooner. Because I hadn’t they had both missed out on so much.

  “Oh, that we did,” Rowan said, ruffling Liam’s hair. “Didn’t we, buddy?”

  “Oh yeah.” Liam perked up at the attention. “Rowan – he told me I could call him that – and me are best friends now,” he announced.

  “That’s great,” I told him, injecting false joy into my voice. “But you have to say goodbye to Rowan now. We gotta go baby, get you to bed.”

  “Awww Mommy, do we have to? I want to watch Spiderman with Rowan again. He promised we could.”

  “And you will. Just not right now.” I made my voice firm and he settled down with a pout.

  I went over to where his bag was on the table and shouldered it.

  “Is all his stuff in here?” I asked Rowan.

  “Everything’s in there,” he confirmed.

  I looked up to find him watching me with that cold expression so I turned away from it and went back to Liam. I lifted him into my arms

  “Say bye to Rowan. You will see him again soon,” I said.

  “Very soon,” Rowan interjected.

  We left a few minutes later.

  When the door closed behind us, the sound rang with such finality that I felt like I had just gotten my heart broken all over again.

  “What's the matter, Mommy? You look sad,” Liam asked.

  I was buckling Liam into his car seat when he asked. He touched my cheek and brought my attention to the wetness there.

  A tear had rolled down my cheek that I hadn’t even noticed.

  “There must be something in the air. I’m okay,” I lied, quickly wiping the moisture away. My cheeks hurt from the awkward smile I gave him. “Everything is fine.”

  Seconds later we drove away from Rowan’s apartment but I knew this was far from over.

  Nineteen

  Rowan

  I paced my apartment long after Willa and Liam had left, my bear threatening to explode at any moment.

  I had watched her taillights disappear and fought the urge to call them back. There was so much we still needed to discuss. So much I felt.

  For her.

  For him.

  I also knew that Willa and I needed some alone time to hash this out the right way.

  The turbulent mixture of emotions made it impossible for me to sit still especially when it felt like the walls of the apartment were closing in on me.

  It didn’t take me long to admit to myself what the real issue was. I missed them – both of them - and not even thirty minutes had passed since they left.

  The somber emotion forced my anger into the back seat and for the first time in so many hours, my thoughts weren’t fueled by the heated force of it.

  I still couldn’t believe that Willa had kept such a vital piece of information from me. Yet the more I thought about it, the more I could see her point for view – at least initially.

  I had mentally tapped out after my father’s death. It was like hitting an emotional wall I couldn’t climb over no matter how hard I tried. Or how hard she tried. Dad and I had never had a great relationship and I had been resentful of the fact that he was gone for so long so often with his time in the military. To me, it felt like his squad was more his family than we were.

  With his death though, I felt that I had to follow in his footsteps. To see what he saw. To do what he did. To feel what he felt. To understand why he chose his country over me and my mother.

  In the end this desire had made me turn away from the woman I loved, unknowingly in a time when she needed me most.

  All my anger wasn’t directed at Willa. Some of it was directed at my God damned self. I didn’t regret my time of service but I shouldn’t have left things with Willa the way I did.

  My mind had been void of anything else but my need to join and be like my dad, so I abandoned everything else. Alpha Squad was everything to me then.

  Was Willa right then? Had I been in a mental space that prevented me from being the best father I could have been to Liam? Would I have tried to come back to be part of his life? Or would I have done just as my father had?

  All the evidence pointed to me having done just as my father had done at the time. Did I have the right to punish Willa for believing the evidence and going with her gut?

  We would never know how things would have turned out now and all this should haves and could haves were leaving my mind in a tangled mess.

  I needed to clear my head so I stripped down and slipped out of my apartment for a run. It was that or my bear was going to be shredding my living room couch.

  During the many minutes my paws hit the grass in the rhythmic but punishing stride, I couldn’t help but notice the parents and guardians minding kids. It was something I didn’t focus on before but now their pairings were glaringly obvious.

  I saw kids smiling and talking animatedly. They ran. They skipped. They laughed. They were radiant in their innocent enjoyment of life and what it had to offer.

  Th
ere was even this one kid who threw a tantrum on the sidewalk of the park and left his mother with an embarrassed, rueful expression.

  I wanted to experience all those moments with my own son - the good, the bad and the ugly.

  I wanted to take him for hikes through the park and I wanted to teach him to ride a bike. I wanted to take him out for ice-cream and to learn what his favorite foods were. I wanted to teach him how to change, how to stay safe as a bear, that some people would still see us as different, but that we would be okay.

  I wanted to be a part of my son's life in every possible way. No matter what I felt for his mother, that wouldn’t change.

  Willa. Jesus, I was lying to myself if I said that even in my anger I didn’t want to be close to her. Because I did. I wanted her and Liam and I to be something, something more.

  Like a family. Our own little crew.

  I came back to my apartment when it was dark outside and long passed the time kids should be out on the streets. I changed before I walked inside and immediately headed for the shower and left the warm water do its work on my overheated muscles.

  Later, I ordered a pizza and bit into the first slice while throwing back a beer. I was watching the television, the volume on mute as I watched Liam’s favorite cartoon character throw webs and swing his way across the city.

  Suddenly I had to talk to Willa. I couldn’t properly function until I heard her tell me he was okay.

  It was already after ten PM. Still I couldn’t stop my fingers from dialing her number.

  She answered on the second ring.

  “Hello?” The greeting was hesitant.

  She sounded like she was already in bed and my mind instantly went to the gutter, imagining her in nothing but my tee shirt and waiting for me to do naughty things to her body.

  My dick began to harden and I had to forcible suppress the image to keep my body under control.

  “Hi, Willa.” I, too, was suddenly hesitant. Now that her voice was ringing in my ear and my body was reacting to the sexual fantasy, I lost my direction for a moment.

  “Is something wrong,” she asked when the silence stretched too long.

  I shook my head to clear the webs and answered, “Uh, no, everything is fine. I just called to check in with you guys. How's Liam doing? Did he settle down okay?”

  “Yeah, he’s fine. Kids get sick. This is not the first time he has come down with a bug. I really doubt it’s serious but I will book an appointment with his pediatrician tomorrow just to make sure.” She paused then asked, “Would you like to come?”

  I jumped the opportunity to see Liam again… and Willa.

  “Of course,” I said. “I would love to come.”

  “I’ll call you when I know the details,” she promised. “And I will keep you updated on how he is in the meantime.”

  “Great, thanks,” was my reply then my mind flat lined.

  There was rustling on the line, like she was moving in her sheets. The erotic image popped right up in my head again and my pants tented.

  There was another pause and she filled it by saying, “He couldn’t stop singing your praises. You’ve made quite the impression on him. He really likes you. That’s a good sign that thing will work out, I think.”

  Talk of developing a relationship with my child dampened my lust and I focused on working things out with Willa instead of trying to imagine what color panties she was wearing.

  “I would love that – for things to work out. I want to have a relationship with him. And I have to admit I am scared of what it means to be a father. I have no clue what I am doing or should be doing. I don’t want to make any mistakes.”

  She laughed softly. “Parenting is not a perfect science. You’re going to mistakes. You just have to learn from them and keep at it. I think you’re going to be a great dad for what it’s worth. Plus, I am here to help make sure you guys develop a sturdy father-son relationship. And I’m glad you’ll be here when the time comes for him to shift, the change. It’ll be good for him to have you to guide him through all of that.”

  “Thanks for saying that.” I sighed. “I didn’t mean to go off on you like that this afternoon. It was just a lot to take in, you now?”

  “I know and I understand. I would have probably not handled it much differently if I was in your shoes.”

  “I want us to be like a real family,” I told her.

  “I’d like that too.”

  For the first time since I found out I had a son this morning, my mind settled because for some reason I knew it was going to be like she said. It was all going to work out.

  It had to.

  Twenty

  Willa

  I wiped my sweaty palms down the front of my full-length jeans as I watched Liam and Rowan get ice-cream from the vendor.

  It was bright and sunny Saturday morning and we were all at the nearby park. Other families were running around and spending quality time together.

  A few days had passed since Liam had recuperated from the stomach bug. After the doctor had given us the all clear yesterday, Rowan and I had talked and agreed to tell Liam the truth today.

  I was nervous and excited. I thought Liam would take it well. He did after all want a guy in his life. He was already in love with Rowan and couldn’t stop talking about the man. The two spent every available moment together. Even now as they returned to me holding three ice-cream cones I could see that Liam was already adopting some of Rowan’s mannerisms.

  Still, I worried that things could fall apart at any second. I had stayed up late more than one night worried that he would become upset with the news.

  I was sitting at one of the lunch tables situated strategically around the park. Liam came to my side and sat down while Rowan sat opposite us and handed me a vanilla-cherry ice-cream cone.

  We made small talk as we ate. Rowan and Liam were discussing a cartoon show, allowing me to observe the interaction between the two of them for the most part.

  Rowan was very patient and loving, speaking with him as if he truly valued his opinion in their discussion. Was it wrong that I found him completely hot when he was in full daddy mode?

  Maybe it was but that didn’t stop me from secretly lusty after him.

  I covertly checked out Rowan. He had on shorts and a simple tee shirt that highlighted the hardness of his body while sandals covered his feet. He wore an almost identical outfit to Liam, who only dressed after he saw what Rowan had on, while I was in floral sundress.

  He looked deliciously dark and handsome like he always did. My pussy definitely took notice of the fact.

  I wasn’t the only one either. I had seen a few of the other moms and passing women checking him out. I had ground my teeth more than once to suppress my growl of possessive jealousy.

  I should not be feeling the hard emotion of possessiveness. This man wasn’t mine. I had no claim on him and their admiring looks only made the fact more glaringly obvious to me.

  We hadn’t spoken of a romantic relationship between us since he found out about Liam. We both seemed to be afraid to broach the subject. I certainly was. Despite my efforts, my heart had become hooked on this man again. I didn’t think I could stand to hear him say he didn’t return my feelings so I left the subject alone.

  We were both concentrating on what was best where Liam was concerned and that was just the way it should be.

  Our tissues were thrown in the bin and our ice-creams devoured when I looked at Rowan I nodded when I saw the question in his eyes.

  Was it time?

  I was thankful that he allowed me to lead the conversation even though he was eager to deliver the news.

  “There’s something we would like to tell you,” I said to Liam.

  Something in my tone alerted him that this was serious because he looked up sharply and his eyes went wide as he cocked his head to the side curiously.

  I wondered how I should deliver the news and even after almost a week to figure it out all I settled on was just blurting i
t out so that just what I did.

  “Rowan is your daddy,” I said.

  Even though we were in the middle of a park filled with people, everything seemed to go completely silently as both Rowan and I watch Liam carefully for his reaction.

  He seemed to be mulling it over in his mind then final said, “Is that why we have the same last name?”

  I wasn’t surprised that he noticed the fact. He was a very smart child.

  “Yes,” I confirmed. “That is why.”

  His fist pumped the air then he nearly shouted, “Yes, I knew it!”

  His smile could light up the world in that moment. He turned it first on me. Then on Rowan. Rowan’s smile was just as bright and the happiness from the two of them brought tears to my eyes. Rowan stood and came around to Liam’s side of the table. He knelt so that their eyes were level.

  “Hey buddy, I promise to be the best dad I can be to you if you will have me,” Rowan said, his voice husky with emotion. “What do you say? Do you want to have me for a dad? There’s something you should know about me though.”

  “What?”

  “Sometimes I turned into a bear. I like to run a lot, as a bear. But that doesn’t mean I’ll ever hurt you, or you’re in any danger when you’re with me, okay?”

  “A bear? Like a big one?” He asked, his eyes wide.

  “Yeah, pretty big. But I’ll never hurt you, okay?”

  “Am I a bear too?”

  “Yes, little cub, one day you’ll be a big strong bear too.”

  “Oh yeah,” Liam said, then threw himself into Rowan’s arms. When he pulled back he threw me – and Rowan given the way his eyes widened –for a loop.

  “Are you and Mommy going to get married now? Like Casey’s mom and dad,” Liam asked.

  Casey was a girl who attended his daycare.

  Rowan sent me a look and I immediately rushed to answer, not wanting to put him on the spot or have him feel pressured.

  “Oh no, Liam. We’re not getting married. Sometimes mommies and daddies don’t get married but that doesn’t mean that they don’t love their little boys and girls with all their heart. Do you understand what I am saying to you?”