Life's Perfect Plan (The Life Series)

by Goodman, Sarah

  We sit for a while and talk to Evan. I suddenly feel lightheaded and ask for Jacob to take me to my room. He obliges and we are off to my room. I tell Nora to call my room if she needs me. She asks me to get with a lactation consultant as soon as possible so that they can start to eat. I tell her I will get on it once we get to my room.

  Jacob is pushing me and is very quiet. I ask, “Shouldn’t you be at work by now?” He kisses the top of my head and says, “No, baby. I switched with the doctor on call. He is doing office visits. I will stay here as long as possible.”

  “Jacob, you can’t do that to your patients, they will expect to see you.”

  “You and those boys are my number one priority, everything else can wait.”

  “But, you don’t have to. We all will be ok. I have Ella and Kate, and oh shit … where is my mother? I need to call Grant’s parents. Tell them what has happened.”

  “Your mom went to the airport to pick up your father. They will be by as soon as they can. Obviously, I didn’t call Grant’s parents.”

  I laugh and lean my head back for him to kiss me. “Thank you, love! You are truly wonderful. I don’t know where I would be without you.”

  We entered my room and when I think he will scoot me in farther next to my bed. He stops the wheelchair, walks around in front of me and squats down so we are eye to eye. “Elizabeth, I love you. I think I have been in love with you since the moment you fell in my arms. We have come so far in this journey, and every day I love you a little more. Every day, I wonder if this is the day that my heart will explode from the overabundance of love I feel for you. Everything I say and do is for you. I thought I knew what love was, I thought I understood how to love. But, then I meet you and you change all my beliefs and way of thinking, living and doing. When I am around you, my breathing changes, my pulse quickens, hell my body temperature rises and it makes me so damn crazy in love with you. Even though I love you this much, the love I feel for those boys is magnified by a million times.” He pauses and looks at me as if he is carefully picking his words. “I know I am not their father, but hell, I love them as if they are my own. Being with you on this journey has made me develop feelings for them that I didn’t think I would have. Seeing them take their first breath, made me take my own as I held my breath through every procedure. I, as a doctor, have never been terrified in all my life. I understand you have a ton of emotions going through you now, but I just wanted you know what I feel for you and those boys. Being with you just now, was an amazing experience and I will always remember that moment.” He stands up and leans down. Putting his fingers on my face, he pulls me in for a kiss that makes me melt. He gently sucks on my lower lip, and then pulls it just so that I open my mouth. Once my mouth is open his tongue invades my tongue and they dance as if it was their last dance. He slows the kiss, and pulls back. He kisses my nose, “Baby, you and those boys are my life, my everything, and I want to be with you and them forever.” He looks into my eyes where his ocean eyes are filled with tears.

  “I love you, so much Jacob. We both wanted forever with our other loves and we both never got forever so for now, let’s take it a day at a time. Love me today!”

  “I love you, today and always.” He says as he stands up and picks me up out of the chair. “Let’s lie down and then I want to look at your incision.”

  I lie down in the bed, and he gently pulls my hospital gown up. I have on these hideous white netting underwear with a diaper size pad on, and then gauze pads all at the start of my pubic bone. He softly pulls the gauze back and sees that I haven’t opened anywhere, or bleeding. He calls me a very good patient.

  “Have I ever told you, that you look so damn sexy in your scrubs?”

  He gives me his panty dropping smile and laughs. “Once my doctor gives the ok to have sex, we might have to act out the doctor and patient role. Because you sir, are making all my wildest fantasies come true standing their all hot as shit!”

  “Baby, I would be more than happy to make all your fantasies come true.”

  I lie down in the bed, and make room for Jacob to join me. He lies next to me. I scoot into his body, and lay my head in the crook of his neck. He tenderly strokes his thumb across my jaw line. “I love you, Elizabeth.” He whispers to me.

  “I love you, too.” I reply.

  The next morning I wake up with the terrible urge to pee. Seeing Jacob is no longer in bed with me, I slowly roll onto my side, grabbing the hospital bed rails and pull myself into a sitting position. Who the hell knew you use your core for everything? This pain sucks! I notice on my bedside table that Jacob has left me a note scribbled on my styrofoam water pitcher.

  Baby, I had to go into surgery. I’m not sure how long I will be considering I have other patients to see. I love you! See you soon. Call me if you need me and kiss the boys for me. Love, Jacob.

  I smile at the little note. Picking up my phone to look at the time. It’s 5:00 in the morning. I call my nurse and ask if she can take me to the NICU. Slowly pulling myself out of the bed I walk to the closet and I grab another hospital gown and put it on like a robe. I need to ask my mom to bring me some clothes, this get up looks ridiculous. My nurse strolls in with a wheelchair. I grab my phone and carefully sit down in the chair.

  My nurse wheels me to the famous scrub sink. She gives me these hideous green socks with these white rubber stickers on the bottom. “Until you can walk better, wear these socks in there for now.” I give her a nod obliging to her statement. She places the socks over my white cotton socks and helps me out of the chair. I scrub my hands, then I am buzzed in to see my boys.

  Walking into my boys’ room I see that the nurse is taking Evan’s temperature. I stand next to her, in complete wonder of how her hands move around my tiny son. “Don’t worry honey, they look small and fragile. I promise they won’t break.” She tells me in her southern drawl.

  “What are you doing?” I ask her quizzically.

  “I’m taking their temperature to make sure their beds are at the right temp. I have to check their temp every four hours. If their body temp goes up or down they can have some negative effects to them. We will cross that bridge if we get to it. For now Evan is right where he should be,” she says as she is placing new leads on his chest. I can hear him whimper a little and it starts to bring tears to my eyes.

  “How did you know his name, yesterday he was still Baby B?” I whisper to her for the fear she will see me start to cry.

  “Dr. Alexander made up these signs and placed them on their incubators.” She raises the side of the incubator to show me. My jaw drops, then I turn around and see Grant and Cole’s name on their bed, too.

  “Wh … when did he give this to you?” I stutter to her.

  “A couple hours before you came in. He said that they have names and we shouldn’t refer them to Baby A, B or C.” She says as she wraps Evan up like a little burrito. She pulls him out of the bed and cradles him in her arms. “Well, mama would you like to hold your son?” She says as nodding to me to sit in the rocking chair.

  I sit and she places him in my arms. I feel my chin start to quiver. I’ve waited for this moment for so many years. I finally have my baby in my arms. I pull him to my lips and feel his heavy breathing. “I love you so much, my sweet baby boy.” I say as I kiss his little head.

  “Evan is in heaven, just look at his stats.” Nora says as pointing to the numbers on the screen. She asks if I want to hold all of them.

  I smile exuberantly at her. “Yes, I would love that,” I mumble to her trying to hold back the happy tears. I am finally crying happy tears. She calls the other nurse and they work together bringing Grant over to me, with wires and all. Within a few minutes I have my three sons in my arms. An experience I will always cherish for as long as I will live. To feel them inside one moment and then to see, feel, and smell them in my arms is truly an epic moment. I start to over think, which I told myself I wouldn’t. My babies are nestled in my arms and against my chest. I stare out the huge w
indow and see the stars. Tears slide down my cheek and I silently talk to Grant.

  “We did it, Grant! We made these beautiful babies. Please watch over them. I miss you! I hope I’m doing right by what you have asked in your letter. Grant, I’m finally happy. It took me awhile, but I’m happy now that I have our sons in my arms. Thank you Grant, I will be forever grateful for what you gave me … us!”

  I look down at my sons and see so much of Grant in them. I thank God for giving me three boys that will remind me every day the life I had with Grant. He was part of my life plan, a life plan that went almost perfect for nine years with him. I sit for hours with my little guys in my arms. “Nora?” I mumble for her trying not to startle the boys.

  “Yes, hun?”

  “Could you take a picture of the boys and me with my phone?” I ask her.

  “Of course, honey!” She captures a couple of pictures of the boys and me. She is about to walk away when I tell her. “My arms are going to sleep and I’m afraid to move with all three of them.”

  “No problem, honey. It’s almost their feeding time anyways.”

  “I think one of them peed on me, my chest is all wet.”

  Nora looks down at me as she holds Grant and gives a little chuckle to herself. I give her a facial expression as to ask, what the hell is wrong?

  “Honey, they didn’t pee on you. Your milk has come in!” She says as she passes off Grant to the next nurse.

  “What do I do?” I question her, since I have never experienced this before.

  “Honey, you sit right there, I’m going to have Shirley get you the pump and you can start pumping milk for your boys,” she mutters to me while doing her business with the boys.

  Minutes go by and my sons are bundled in their new blankets and tucked in their beds. Shirley shows me how to pump. I place the cups under my wet gown and let the machine do its job. Fifteen minutes later and I have milk for my babies. I want to high five myself for doing something for my sons. I give the milk to Nora in a stored container with an orange lid. She instructs me how to label my milk and to place it in the freezer when I make a drop off. I’m officially now the milk maid. She gives me a new gown, which I change into in the bathroom. I go back to sit in the rocking chair and just stare out the window. What an incredible morning that I have had. It is amazing what a difference 24 hours can do. I look at the pictures and send a text to Jacob.

  Me: Had the best morning. I got to hold the boys, and my milk came in. They’ll have their first official meal shortly.

  I pull my legs up on the ottoman and slowly start to rock myself. Shortly I receive Jacob’s text.

  Jacob: Baby, I am so happy for you. I wish I was there with you to see your beautiful smile. I’ll call you when I can come by and see you. I love you. XO to the boys for me.

  I send the picture to my parents, Ethan, Kate, Ella, Cole and Anna: Introducing Grant, Evan and Cole Thomas. I’m officially a mommy!

  One after one I get a text back. They all can’t wait to see them. I can’t wait for my little guys to know how much they are loved. Once the texts stop, I lay my head back listening to the beeping noises of the boy’s monitors. I stare out the window and think. Realization hits me so hard in the chest. I close my eyes harder trying to control my breathing. My palms are sweating, I can feel the pulse in my temple pulsate harder. Reality just threw me a curve ball. How the hell am I going to do this once I leave this place? It’s easy right now. I have nurses to help me, there are machines that are feeding them, beds to keep them warm, and machines letting me know if they stop breathing. How can I do this once I leave this place?

  I silently talk to myself. Get a grip Elizabeth, its only day 2. Things will get easier. I wipe my palms on my gown. Gradually I start to rock myself, taking in slow deep breaths, and focus on my new plan. It is crazy how one moment I was with family and friends having a beautiful baby shower and then the next I’m having one of the scariest events take over me. I should still be pregnant, at home packing and preparing for these little guys’ arrivals. I shouldn’t be sitting here … well I shouldn’t be a widow at 30 either.

  What in the hell do you do when higher power, the universe or LIFE totally fucks up your life plan? My life plan was going the way it should’ve been going. Going down the list and checking it off as I accomplished each life goal. Now, I sit here in this plastic rocking chair staring out the window looking out over the city. A city filled with people who will start to wake up and get on with their daily lives. I sit here in this chair and have no idea when my life will restart. All I hear are the monitors’ beep and the alarms that go off. Wavy lines go in zigzag motions, lines on the screen that I have no idea what they mean. I listen as the nurses speak in whisper tones.

  All I can do is just stare out the window and think back of how my life plan got so off track just seven months ago. Seven months ago my life came to a screeching halt, my world, my life, my soul, and my heart all disappeared in an instant. Then life hands me three reasons to hang onto hope. Three reasons that I need to wake up, put on my big girl panties, and start a new life plan. I gaze out the window, thinking of what the hell am I going to do. The nurse’s whispers become louder. Then, I feel a slight rub on my shoulder, as I turn around I see Ella, my best friend, my rock.

  “What are you doing here this early? How did you get past the nurses’ station?” I say.

  Ella responds, “I called up to your room and then I called the nurses’ station. They said you’ve been in here since five a.m. Nora and I have bonded … she snuck me in. I decided I would come see if you needed anything before I went into work. You alright?”

  “Ella, I need a new plan, and I have no idea how to go about it?” She looks around the room at my boys.

  “Honey, with what you have, you can’t have a plan. All you can do is live each day to the fullest and do your best. Day by day, moment by moment is how you will live your new life.”

  “Ella, I am so scared, literally scarred shitless. Look at all of this” as I wave my hand and guide her to what I am staring at. “I have no clue what to do. This was nowhere near my plan. You don’t even have three children so how in the hell am I going to raise three?”

  “Beth, if you can handle one you can handle a hundred. It’s the same with each no matter what.”

  I sit in the chair, I find myself rocking harder with agitation, when I feel someone pull the back of the chair as their way of telling me to slow down. I look up and see Nora. “Beth, your nurse just called and said that Dr. Alexander is on his way up to your room to check on you.”

  “Thanks, Nora. Will you call me if you need me?”

  “Of course, dear” she whispers quietly back to me.

  Ella helps me out of the chair. She grabs my right elbow. She helps me walk, or more so watches me shuffle in my bright green socks with the rubber stickers on the bottom. We walk down the hall, and all I can think is how depressing hospitals are. No matter the occasion, it has such a sad feel to it. We enter the elevator, and I can tell she wants to say something, but doesn’t have the heart. I nudge her hip, “alright spill it, what is on your mind?’

  “Seeing you with your babies, it kinda makes me want to have another, who knows maybe try for a boy. Do you think I’m crazy?”

  “Ella, hello you’re talking to crazy. I think that is wonderful news.” I wrap my arm around her waist and lean my head against her shoulder. “We seriously know how to put the FUN in dysfunctional, huh?”

  My babies are three days old, and doing well for their gestation. Evan has had a few apnea setbacks, but it’s to be expected. I’m progressing well in my recovery. I’m not letting this surgery hold me down. I need to be there for my sons.

  Today is my discharge day, a day that I have been dreading. I really do not want to go home to the house that Grant and I planned on bringing our babies home. Except that I will be the only one going home. Jacob and my relationship has been a revolving door these past few days. I barely see him and when I do it is whe
n he is sleeping in my bed. He hasn’t been to the house either. He says it feels strange to be there alone without me. He’s working non-stop, not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

  I’ve packed my bag. Dressed in one of my maternity dresses, I can’t believe how big I really was. It’s really nice to be able to see my toes again. I am sitting here waiting for Jacob to come and discharge me. Twenty minutes later Jacob is walking in the door.

  “Hey, beautiful, how are you doing?” He says as he walks over and gives me a kiss. He sits next to me on the small love seat and grabs my hands. He has a devilish smile on his face and his eyes are glistening.

  “What gives, Jacob? What are you hiding behind that smile of yours?”

  He leans over and gives me an incredible kiss. He pulls back and places the manila folder on the side table.

  “I have good news, then I have great news. What order do you want it?” He tilts his head and smiles. I give him the goofiest laugh because he looks like a child on Christmas morning.

  “Alright, give it to me any way you want.” I say as I wiggle my eyebrows at him.

  “Baby, the good news is I’m not discharging you. I’m going to keep you here for three more days. Because …” he opens the manila folder and places it in my lap. “These are our closing papers.”

  My jaw drops to the floor. We weren’t supposed to close for another three weeks. I scan through the papers and everything is legit.

  “Babe, how did you pull this off so fast, we just saw the house less than a week ago? The sellers weren’t ready to move so quickly.”

  “Money does a lot of talking. I gave them a few thousand more on their asking price to be moved out in 48 hours. I told them we had a family emergency and we needed the house as soon as possible. They agreed all we do is sign and we have a house to bring the boys home too.”