Life's Perfect Plan (The Life Series)

by Goodman, Sarah

  Jacob is over the moon, he is laughing and holding Grant to his chest, shouting “that’s my boy” and he said “dada before mama.” I just stare at the floor. Hating myself for going back into the past and thinking of my dead husband.

  Later that night while Jacob and I are getting ready for bed, he hits me with another blow.

  “Baby, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and today just clarified it even more …”

  I cut him off by my rudeness. “I don’t want to talk about marriage, if this is where the conversation is going.”

  He gives me the look that says I’m being a total bitch and what just spewed out of my mouth was not appreciated.

  “What I was trying to say, is that I would like to adopt the boys.” He doesn’t even look at me.

  “What? Why?”

  “For one, I’m their daddy and have been since I gave you the fucking results that you were pregnant. Two, because they still have the last name of Thomas and I think as their dad they should have my last name.”

  I know this is going to get ugly. “I still have the last name Thomas and I’m not changing it. They will have my name. I want them to still have a part of their real father.”

  Ouch, I know that was a nasty blow, and it’s even worse by seeing the blue in Jacob’s eyes turn black. His hands are clenched into fists and his breathing is getting faster and faster.

  “So you are telling me that even when we get married you are going to keep your dead husband’s last name. You are not changing the boys’ last name due to the fact that their father, a God damn sperm donor’s last name is Thomas. Elizabeth, when the hell are you going to see that Grant was a sperm donor? He NEVER FUCKING KNEW you were pregnant! He never knew he was going to be a dad. But you know who the hell has been with your through it all, is me. I’m their father through and through and if you are going to throw DNA in my face, then we have a whole shit load of other problems.”

  “I’m not ready for all of this.” I mutter to him.

  “Well, when you are fucking ready please let me know, so I can step in and be a father to those boys and a husband to you. In the mean time I hope their ghost of a father does a damn good job.”

  He picks up his phone off the table, grabs his pants on the way out of the room. He slams the bedroom door and I know that I will not be getting a good night sleep. A few minutes after he slammed the door, I knew he left as I heard his truck peel out of the drive way. He did leave me a text saying he was going into the hospital. That he didn’t know when he would be home.

  I can’t sleep, so I head to my laptop, and do something I know I will regret. I run. I book three seats on a flight to my parents. I pack a large suitcase for all of us and load up the SUV. I call my mom and let her know we’re flying in the morning.

  Once we land at the Asheville Airport we’re greeted with my parents, Ethan and his girlfriend Megan. My father bolts for us as I am trying to push a stroller with three babies and drag a suitcase. My mother is giving me this look, like “why are you here?”

  “Elizabeth.” Is all she says to me. Suddenly I feel like an eight year old being scolded for lying.

  “Mother, please not now.” I say as I brush past her and go hug my brother.

  “Hey sis, you okay? “ He whispers, as he gives me a hug.

  “No, not really, but nothing a little time away can’t help clear the mind.” I reply as we walk to the car.

  My mother and father are in pure bliss with the boys. My father even built a swing set. He spends the mornings pushing them in their bright blue seats.

  I’m in pure hell. I know I have done the worst thing ever to Jacob. But, he pissed me off and I let my stubbornness take over. I ran, thinking we needed to cool off, although it just led me to be consumed by more frustration. He should adopt the boys, they might not have his genes, but he has been a father since day one. Everything he told me six nights ago was true. Grant ended up getting me pregnant, but Jacob has done everything a father should do.

  We haven’t talked. We’ve only have exchanged a few short texts to one another. I know he is giving me time to get my act together. He is highly pissed I left without telling him, which on my end was another bitchy thing to do considering his wife did this to him. I know that the timing of all of this is a huge factor. Today marks the one year anniversary that Grant was killed in his motorcycle accident. If baby Grant never called Jacob Dada and Jacob never brought up adoption, then I know I would still be home. I’m in such a state of pissed off frustration. So much has happened in a year, some really wonderful things. I became a mom, I fell in love, and I can see where my future is going, where this time last year I couldn’t get out of bed. Why is it so damn hard to let go off a perfect past? My life was going somewhat to plan. Struggling with infertility was just the tip of the iceberg. Then my life did a complete one eighty without any notice.

  Now I have to plan for my sons. I want to make sure I am doing the right thing. Will they be pleased or pissed about the decisions I am about to make. I just want them to be happy. Boy do I pray I am doing this right. I head for my lap top to finish up some work. While on, I get a ding from my incoming mail. I click on it to see it is an email from Jacob. He never writes emails.

  Elizabeth,

  Words can’t describe the pain I’m going through right now. I miss you and the boys terribly. The house is way too quiet with you all gone. Please, please come home. I am so sorry for rushing you and talking about adoption. I won’t bring it up again. I don’t care about their last name I just want you all home safe and sound.

  I’m so upset that you felt the need to run. I wish you would have talked to me. I know I can be a hot head sometimes, but if I knew you would take off, I would have come back to talk to you. I love you. I knew I loved you the moment you fell in my arms this time a year ago. When I looked at your face, my heart bled for you. I held you in my arms for hours. I couldn’t let you go. I wanted to protect you from the hurt and the pain that you were falling into. I wanted to give you hope, and I wanted to show you how much I loved you. You are the most beautiful, amazing, intelligent, and fun spirited woman I have ever met. As much as it pains me to know that the only way you entered my life was by a death of a loved one, I will be forever grateful of Grant’s death. His death gave me a life I only prayed for. His death gave me the love of a beautiful woman. His death gave me three perfect sons. His death gave me a home. His death gave me a future, where dreams could come true. So as much as I hate to be thankful of someone’s death, look at what has happened. How can I not be grateful for his death? I apologize deeply for calling him a sperm donor. I was mad at you for throwing the boys genetics in my face and I said something completely out of line. You and I both know that he wasn’t a sperm donor. I know he was a good man and that he loved you. So, I will be right by your side whenever you want to tell our boys about their biological father.

  But, you need to do something for me. Stop throwing his god damn DNA in my face. He might have gotten you pregnant, but I carried you through your pregnancy. I was there when I took that blood sample. I was there when I held Ella as she cried tears of joy for you. I was there when you were scared of miscarrying only to give you news that it was triplets. I was there to tell you that you were expecting boys. I was there when baby Grant almost died. I am the reason he is alive. I was there when they took their first breath. I cut their umbilical cords. I WAS THERE!! I AM THEIR FATHER!! I am no different than if you adopted these children yourself. I am in love with those boys, unconditionally. I would die for them, give them my last breath. So please don’t throw biology and DNA at me ever again.

  I love you Elizabeth. You are where I belong and right now you need to be here, home. So please, I beg of you. Just come back home and let me love you.

  Love Always,

  Jacob

  UGH!! I stare at the computer screen. I want to throw the laptop across the room. I’m so mad at myself. I can’t believe I did this to him. I couldn’t agree more with ev
erything he has said. So I reply back that I will be home soon and I will let him know when my flight would be arriving. While finishing up some more work, my mother is at the door with Cole in her arms. She has her pinky in his mouth and he is not a happy camper.

  “I think this little guy is hungry. I made a bottle, but he wants nothing to do with me.” She passes Cole over to me. His chubby cheeks and heart shaped lips make me smile.

  I lean back in my chair and pull the side of my shirt up getting him situated to nurse. My mom sits on the edge of the bed. “Have you talked to Jacob?” She asks while looking around the room.

  “I just read a lengthy email he sent me. Everything he wrote is true. I know I shouldn’t have left the way I did, but I was just pissed more so with life and timing.”

  “So, what are your plans now?” She says with her motherly stare.

  “You know, that is one saying I will never say to my boys. I hate that saying mom. I have no clue what my plans are. But, what I am going to do is go back home. I will look for a flight home tomorrow. “

  “Well, I’m sorry for asking, but you need to plan. If not life hands you lemons and then …” I cut her off before she goes through the whole analogy.

  “No offense, mom, but that analogy is shit. I planned and life brought me death. So, I don’t get to sit back and sip the lemonade that life handed me. I buried my husband. UGH!! Why can’t you for once just talk to me instead of giving me these stupid age old analogies?”

  I say to her as I see the tears billow up in her eyes. Cole can feel my tension as he starts stirring in my arms. I pull my legs into me and hold him a little tighter.

  “Shit, mom, I’m sorry. I’ve just been dealt a hard hand to deal with. It’s taken me sometime to figure out how to play this game.” I whisper to her as I give her a wink. Like Mother like daughter.

  “For a daughter who says she refuses to mother like her mother she just threw her parenting style in her mother’s face.” She winks back.

  I start to laugh because I swore to myself I wouldn’t do these crazy ass things my mother did, yet here I am reciting lines she would say to me as a child. God help my sons!

  “Elizabeth, listen we all travel down this road. Sometimes our road is smooth, sometimes it is loaded with pot holes, or sometimes it’s a dirt road we travel. Yet, we adjust our lives to the road we travel, then somewhere out of the blue there is a bend in the road that we never saw coming. We hate that we had to steer our lives around this bend and continue on the road of life, but just down the road a little more is another bend with no warning sign.

  “So what I am saying in this crazy analogy is that honey, you are living a great life, and life will have bends on smooth, pot holed, and dirt roads. The only thing important is who is traveling with you on these roads.

  “And my darling, you had Grant to travel on your smooth road of life, and then you hit that bend with the pot holes in it and found yourself traveling alone. Then Jacob came along and is trying so hard to join you on your travels with your boys. He loves you so much.”

  I wipe the tears that are coming down my face. For once my mother gives me an analogy that I like, and do learn from. I know what I need to do.

  “Thanks Mom. I know Jacob loves me and the boys. I’ll never run again, and I’m looking forward to our travels on the many roads we will endure.”

  My mother gets up and walks over to kiss my forehead. She bends over and kisses Cole’s soft dark brown hair and walks out. I finish feeding Cole, then head downstairs.

  That evening during dinner I inform my parents and brother that I am leaving tomorrow afternoon to head home. I tell them that I made an ass out of myself, to which they all laughed and said I do it gracefully. Each adult held a baby in their arms, which left me to clear the table and do the dishes. As I am standing at the sink, I notice a car flying up my parent’s driveway. I ask my parents if they know this person. My dad walks to the window and says that it’s Ella. I go to the door and I open it to the wrath of Ella. Oh Shit!

  She storms past me. “Hey Grace, Evan, and Ethan. Hi, baby boys.” She says as she walks over and kisses each one on the cheek.

  “Umm … Ella, what brings you to North Carolina?” I mutter to her as I load the dishwasher.

  “Your sorry ass is what brings me. If you don’t mind, Grace, I need a very long word with Elizabeth, outside.”

  She gives my mother another kiss and then stomps herself towards me. She grabs my elbow and pulls me out the side door to the porch swing. She has her legs crossed and het foot is shaking a mile a minute. I know she is upset with me.

  “Beth, what the hell were you thinking? Jacob is a complete mess. I know that today is a hard day, which is why I came, to remind you of what you have gained in comparison to what you have lost.”

  “Ella, you wasted your time and your sky miles. I’m coming home tomorrow. Jacob sent me an email and it clarified and made me realize everything he has said is true. I even liked the analogies my mother gave me during her talks.”

  “What did Jacob say to you? He’s a walking zombie, I don’t think he has slept since you have been gone, and he misses his boys terribly. He told me that Grant called him Dada and that night he brought up adoption. Then you went bat shit crazy on him and the next day he realized you were gone.”

  “He basically said that Grant was a sperm donor since he never knew I was pregnant. Jacob said that he has been the father since he confirmed my pregnancy. I just never looked at it that way. Grant and I had so many dreams together and we accomplished so many as well. It’s just hard to know that my sons will never know or get a glimpse of the kind of man he was. Although, I know if I could have any other man to be a father for my boys it would be Jacob. Something about him that makes him so remarkable and I know that our boys are so lucky to have him.”

  “Beth, you can’t run anymore, you’re a mother now. You can’t pull temper tantrums like this. Stop being so hard headed and open up your heart.”

  “Ella, I’m just so scared. What if I love this man with all my heart, then in a few good years he is taken away from me? My heart can’t handle another loss like I experienced with Grant. I just can’t.”

  She turns sideways and grabs my hands. “Honey, stop with the “what if” shit. You are wasting time drudging up scenarios that don’t mean shit. You of all people know that life is too damn short and you shouldn’t be wasting it on thinking about something that might happen or not. Grant is your past, Jacob and those boys are your future. Focus on today and tomorrow. You can only go ahead, you’ve already wasted days away because you were scared. Life is scary, life is a battle. It’s a scary uphill battle. So put on your running shoes and run with it.”

  “Not you too!” I shout to her. “I swear to God, I hope your Grace-isms aren’t from being around my mother. I get it, and I am going home to my new love and we are going to plan for a happy and full-filled future.”

  “That’s my girl!” She exclaims as she pulls me into a hug. We swing in peace on the porch for a while before I am beckoned to feed my babies.

  Today is the one year anniversary of Grant’s death. Today is day seven since I haven’t formally spoken with Elizabeth. I sit in my office and I type out an email for her. I know I was wrong and I said some really shitty things to her, but I can’t stand that she throws genetics in my face. I’ve always believed that any man can be a father. But, it takes a real man to be a dad. I don’t care that those boys have none of my genetic make-up. They are a part of Elizabeth and that is all that matters to me. I love those babies, they are my heart and soul.

  I’m so thankful that the office is slow today. Ella informed me she needed the rest of the week off. I know why, she is so easy to read. I know she is going to North Carolina to get Elizabeth. Sitting here staring at the screen, I’m struggling for the right words to come out. I just want her and the boys home. I want her in bed, next to me. I miss her smell, her touch, the sound of her voice when she is in pure bliss. I miss the lo
ok on her face when she is about to come. I miss every God damn thing about her. I’m going fucking crazy here!

  I miss my baby boys. I finally hear the words that melted my heart, and not even a day later they are nowhere in my sight. Finishing up the email and I hear my cell phone vibrating. I reach for it quickly thinking it will be Elizabeth. It’s not, it’s my sister. “Hey Jake, how are you?” She cheerfully chirps into my ears. “I’ve seen better days Liv. What’s up?”

  “Not much … Listen Mike is taking the kids to the movies tonight. I was wondering if my baby brother was up for dinner tonight.”

  “Liv, I don’t think I will be much company. Wait? Have you talked to Dad?” I hear nothing on her end and I know her, she is trying to find a way to soften the blow between Dad and me. “Liv … you know, don’t you?”

  “Jake, Dad is concerned. He says he has never seen you so distraught. He says he can’t fix this and asked if I could help.”

  “Liv, I don’t mean to be an ass, but no one can fix this except Elizabeth and me. I’m not a child and I don’t need my father and big sister rescuing me. I’m fine, I just miss my family!”

  Pacing my office, I know I am not fine. I’m falling to pieces here … slowly crumbling to the ground and the first thing shattering is my heart.

  “Jake, we both got to eat so can we still meet up for dinner?”

  “Sure, I’ll swing by after work and pick you up. Be ready by 5:30p.m.”

  “Thanks, Jake, and see you later.”

  I throw my cell phone on my desk. Running my fingers through my hair and trying to compose myself for my next patient.

  My afternoon drags. The days seem to get longer and longer without Elizabeth around. I go home to feed and let the dogs out. Once I am back in the truck and before I leave the driveway I send Elizabeth a text.

  I miss you! Please, come home. I love you!

  Pulling into Olivia’s driveway I get a pictured text. It’s the boys in a backyard swing giving the camera their big toothless smile. At the bottom, the text reads.