Skid

by Keith Fenwick

  Bruce set his mind at rest by explaining barbecues more explicitly. “Meat is cooked on a metal hotplate over an open flame and eaten with raw veggies. Salads,” he added.

  “Veggies? Salads?” Cyprus had missed the point again, which was not unusual. He could not associate components of the meal he had just finished with the term veggies.

  “The guests generally have a few drinks and talk while they cook and eat. Sound okay?” Bruce forgot to add that barbecues were about the only occasions in the society he came from where men traditionally handled the cooking unless they had to look after themselves.

  Cyprus considered the unusual proposition. “I will have to clear it with Inel, of course. Perhaps it would be more diplomatic of you to invite the high council to your first barbecue.”

  “Well, um, leave it for a few weeks and maybe we could organize a tour around the farm at the same time. Make a day of it, eh?” The idea began to grow on Bruce. “I can explain to your leaders what’s going on here and what I hope to achieve.”

  Not if I can help it, thought Cyprus. If any credit was due, he intended to be the major recipient of it. “I will put this proposal to Inel in my next report. I’m sure he will be agreeable.” Cyprus hesitated, wondering whether he should impart the next piece of information to Bruce. Surely it would do no harm to praise him as he would praise an untitled youngster for some minor success. Select tidbits of attention to ensure continuing loyalty and hard work, in much the same way that Cyprus had observed Bruce treating his four-legged companions and to a lesser extent Sue.

  “Once the food you offered Inel was carefully analyzed, Inel quite enjoyed partaking of it.”

  “Really?” Whoopee! Bruce thought. If the stupid old bugger hadn’t realized he could eat ivop meat and veggies yet, there was less hope for Skid than Bruce already thought there was.

  “What’s good?” demanded Sue, emerging from the house wearing a grin that would not have disgraced a Cheshire cat.

  “Oh, it seems your veggies have been deemed fit for local consumption by the head honcho. Though for the life of me I can’t see how!” Bruce added facetiously. Sue’s teeth flashed as her grin widened. “So now Cyprus here wants you to organize a tasting session so the big shots can sample your wares.”

  “You’re pulling my leg.”

  “No, for sure. I suggested a barbecue would be a good idea.”

  Cyprus watched Bruce in admiration as he manipulated his female companion.

  “No worries,” said Sue. She had taken to using many of Bruce’s expressions and mannerisms, Cyprus noted, and wondered why this would be so. Her own natural speech patterns were much more easily understood and gentler on the Skidian ear.

  “Don’t worry, mate, I can see right through you. I’ll help you on one condition,” she added craftily.

  “Aw yeah? What?”

  “Tell you later.” Sue gave Bruce a wanton look that even Cyprus could not fail to recognize. He suddenly felt uncomfortable and invented an excuse to depart the embarrassing scene.

  “I must leave you now.” It did not cross his mind to thank his hosts for the meal they had provided him. Thank you was an unnecessary courtesy since all food was collectively owned and supplied through a communal dispensing system. It really made little difference whose tap the food was poured from. That the offworlders had actually produced most of the meal’s ingredients themselves made no difference to Cyprus.

  As Cyprus left, Sue lowered herself onto Bruce’s lap and took a sip from his beer before pecking him on the cheek. “I gather you want me to prepare a barbecue?”

  “I’ll look after the meat,” he protested.

  “Big deal.”

  “Have to build one too. A barbecue, I mean. And butcher an ivop especially for the occasion,” he added, growing a little defensive.

  “Bigger deal, buddy, but I’ll do it for you.” She tweaked his nose playfully. By now it was pretty obvious to Bruce that Sue wanted something from him. She was in that coy mood that tended to irritate him. Why couldn’t she just come out and ask him?

  “What do you want?” Bruce reached for his beer, put the glass to his lips, and just about choked on his suds when she told him.

  “You don’t mind, do you? I don’t,” Sue assured him. “Honestly.”

  “How did you get onto that subject?”

  “I don’t know really.” It had not occurred to Sue to dig deeply into the motivation behind the request she had received from Leaf earlier in the evening.

  “Leaf just asked out of the blue why we slept together.”

  “And you explained everything?”

  “No. Well, not at first anyway.”

  “Well I’m not sure I want to do it. These Skidians have some pretty weird ideas about sex.”

  “I thought you’d enjoy it, Bruce. Not shy are you?”

  “Of course not, but I’m not an exhibitionist either,” he retorted. To tell the truth, Sue’s immorality shocked him. He did have some scruples even if she didn’t. That was the strange thing about most Americans he’d met. On one hand they appeared to be of upstanding moral character, almost to the point of prudishness, and then they could suggest something totally outrageous without batting an eyelid.

  He didn’t quite know whether he should feel affronted by being manipulated in this way, or embarrassed because surely the Skidians would be watching, collecting data. Wired for sound. That was almost funny. If the boot were on the other foot and he were a medical man in some institution down on earth, he’d certainly be interested in sussing out how the Skidians made babies.

  “Okay,” he said at last, trying to sound as ungracious as possible. “You certainly know how to stick it to a man. I’ll do it as long as I don’t see her and she doesn’t laugh.”

  “Thanks, Bruce,” said Sue, hugging him. “I knew you wouldn’t mind.”

  Bruce thought about Leaf for a moment. He’d come to regard her almost as part of the furniture, a non-person. Then he remembered that night a few weeks ago now, when Leaf had clumsily offered herself to him. That’s what it was all about. Sue might believe that she was manipulating him, but in reality Leaf herself or somebody in the background was really pulling the strings.

  “Why the sudden change of heart, Bruce?” Sue asked suspiciously catching him off guard as he remembered that despite being a Skidian, he actually found Leaf quite attractive.

  “Well, to tell you the truth, Sue, Cyprus and I were having a man-to-man talk along similar lines. You know, these Skidians really do have some strange ideas about sex and stuff, they think we are odd! You know?”

  “So Leaf’s been telling me.”

  “Yeah. Anyway, I thought I might have been a little hypocritical because I offered him you for the night.”

  “Bruce! I don’t believe even you could do such a thing!” Sue said, both shocked and hurt.

  “He declined my offer and decided that a Stim game on the TV would be far more interesting,” Bruce shouted after Sue as she jumped up and ran inside.

  Bruce chased after her and by the time he had reached the bedroom he was half carrying her to the bed. As they wrestled playfully a sudden thought flitted through Bruce’s mind. She didn’t mean tonight, did she? But he was really too busy and excited to care.

  Bruce didn’t know how long she had been there when he felt her eyes boring into the back of his head. He sat up, turned round and found Leaf watching from the side of the bed.

  “Hello,” he said, as casually as possible as Leaf’s eyes flicked towards Sue, who nodded her head slightly as if to say, ‘Okay’.

  Not knowing what to do, and feeling more than a little self-conscious, Bruce collapsed to the bed and rolled over on his back. Before he knew what was happening Sue had rolled over and pinned him to the bed. Not that he put up much of a struggle, as he watched Leaf shed her loose robe and lay down stiffly beside him.

  “What the hell?” Bruce made a weak effort to push Sue off and shoo Leaf away at the same time. Sue leant over and
gave him a quick, wet, passionate kiss.

  “Shh, Bruce,” she whispered into his ear. “Look, the girl’s so frustrated and …”

  “So?”

  “Make love to her.”

  “What?” Here he was presented with the means to experience one of his wildest fantasies and Bruce was so stunned he didn’t know what to do with himself. What was this game Sue was playing? Almost against his will, Bruce felt himself become excited at the prospect and he reached out a hand and caressed Leaf’s flank.

  Leaf stiffened at his initial touch and then relaxed with a long, deep sigh as Bruce began to explore her body with his fingers and then his mouth, not an easy job with someone sitting on you. Leaf’s breathing started to come quicker and her hips began to rock gently up and down. She began to gasp, excited beyond her wildest dreams by a whole new series of emotions and almost frightening sensations that filled her mind.

  She began to writhe uncontrollably, wanting the caresses to last forever, so intense was the pleasure they gave her. No wonder Sue smiled when she talked of what Bruce did to her in their bed.

  Leaf sobbed as Bruce suddenly removed his hands from her body. She groped for his hands, to pull him back. However, her hands encountered something else. Something pulsing with heat and life. She gasped and wondered what it could be as Bruce covered her body with his own.

  Report Number Thirteen B

  As instructed, I have continued to encourage the male offworlder in the hopes that he could be persuaded to procreate with me. However, apart from the first attempt, I am not convinced that my approaches were correctly interpreted by him.

  When it became obvious that this approach would continue to fail, I began discreet inquiries with Sue, learning something from her of offworld sexual practices and preferences. Comparing these observations with our own secret archival material I changed my experimental approach. (App. 1)

  Earlier reports have noted how their sexual activity is as much motivated by a search for pleasure and a measure of comfort, as a biological reproductive function. I felt this factor might work in my favor. When I intimated to Sue that I had little knowledge of sexual practice and wished to learn from the offworlders, Sue became most helpful for a reason that I cannot understand. For it appears that the offworlders are generally monogamous.

  She allowed me to observe their couplings on several occasions (App. 2) and then to partake in the act (App. 3). My observations of the act are outlined in Appendix 4.

  I would at this stage have to state that never having experienced a sexual act with a fellow Skidian male I have nothing to compare the performance of the offworld male with. In addition, I must further state that I have found my present situation and recent events most distasteful. Hence I implore you not to request me to repeat this activity and I again respectfully request to be relieved of my duties here.

  The report was not accurate in all respects, for Leaf had discovered something that most Skidians would never experience, but that did not matter to Inel, who took the report from Sideshow and read it with interest.

  “This report is not explicit enough,” he said. “Order her to remain and to provide more detailed information.”

  Skid’s present sexual practices and mores dated from the days when Skid had a population problem and instituted draconian measures to control it, which had become a part of Skidian culture, and there had never been any pressure to change them.

  Inel, though, was more than a little interested and found the report and the accompanying tapes most stimulating. Unknown to the majority of Skidians who were ignorant of most of the roles and activities of their rulers, the hierarchy of Skid enjoyed, among other things, active sex lives. A perk of the job, so to speak. Another throwback to ancient times when a leader was expected to produce more than one potential heir. Just in case one or two of them, or more, which was often the case, met with a fatal accident.

  It was not only in modern times that the leaders of Skid considered themselves above the laws the rest of the planet lived by that, by tradition, they also respected. But then, these double standards were not unknown elsewhere in the universe.

  While Inel was interested in the sex lives of the offworlders, he found Sue most unattractive and wondered how the male could tolerate her. What he needed was a good Skidian courtesan. Why hadn’t anybody else thought of that? A decent courtesan would have discovered in a few hours what it had taken a team of researchers weeks to discover about the offworlders. But then the simple things were never easy to achieve on Skid.

  Bruce woke the next morning wondering if the previous night had been anything more than another dream. He looked over and saw Leaf had gone and Sue was asleep beside him. He stared up at the ceiling, trying to work out why Sue had done what she had. She didn’t strike him as the sort of woman who would pimp for a lover under any normal circumstances. But then, Bruce thought sadly, circumstances weren’t normal, were they.

  Their relationship wasn’t about love, lust even, though he had come to care for Sue in a way. It was more about a need for company, human company, and he began to feel guilty about having taken Sue for granted for so long. Did she feel used, he wondered, or was he the one who had been used?

  With these uncomfortable thoughts running through his head, Bruce slipped quietly from the bed trying not to wake Sue, declaring in a fit of good intentions (he also vowed at least once a week to give up smoking and getting drunk) to treat her a bit more tenderly and with a little more respect in the future. She wasn’t just the handiest thing around to warm his bed. But now she wasn’t the only one, and that had been mostly her own doing. So how was he supposed to handle Leaf now? Was Sue about to share him with Leaf?

  After a lazy breakfast, putting off the time when he would have to start the day’s work, he went and called on Oridor and Cyprus. He half expected to find Leaf there and signs of reproach on their faces. However, she wasn’t, and there were none, so Bruce tried to set his guilty feelings aside until the passage of time lessened their impact.

  Bruce detailed Oridor to march around the farm’s boundaries to see if the ivops had managed to knock over any fences during the night – a task that would probably take him all day, because Oridor seemed to move at about the same pace as the sluggish ivops, – while he and Cyprus worked in the yards.

  They sorted the young ivops left in the holding yard into two groups. Rather, Bruce drafted the ivops while Cyprus watched, keeping well out of the way. Cyprus’s previous confidence in dealing with the ivops had dissipated, and he was not about to get into a pen, even with the little ones.

  Bruce released the bigger calves back onto the plain, not fancying the thought of wrestling with them, and drove the smaller bull calves into a pen behind the head bail. He set Cyprus up on there and drove the first bawling calf, which he managed to catch by the neck before it flew out the gap, into the race. Bruce lashed the animal’s hind legs to the lowest rails of the drafting race with a piece of rope and got Cyprus to hold its tail out of the way. He didn’t want it whacking him in the face while he operated.

  After drawing his knife and testing its keenness by shaving some hairs from the back of his hand, Bruce reached between the animal’s legs and pulled its scrotum towards him. He made an incision at the bottom of the sac, pushed one of the testicles out, and with a quick slash of the knife it fell off into the race. Shit! I should save these for dinner, he thought. Mountain oysters! He repeated the operation with the second testicle, amazed that the animal barely moved and the lack of blood, as if it was as dead in that area as the Skidians apparently were.

  Then he realized Cyprus had lost his grip on the tail because it swatted him in the face.

  “Cyprus?” Bruce looked around to see what Cyprus thought he was doing, the useless shit. At the first slash of the knife Cyprus had turned as white as a sheet beneath his tan and fainted.

  Bruce untied the rope restraining the ivop’s legs, climbed over the rail and released the head bail. The ivop gave the bail one
desultory kick and then walked placidly out into the yard, apparently unaffected by the amateur surgery. Bruce tried to bring Cyprus around with a nudge to the ribs. “Hired help isn’t what it used to be,” he grunted mercilessly when Cyprus didn’t stir, and carried on by himself.

  Cyprus revived slowly and, to Bruce’s disgust, took no further part in the morning’s work. He made feeble excuses about an upset tummy and soon made himself scarce. Skidians weren’t used to the sight of blood, and the very hint of it was enough to make them panic.

  “Ya useless twit!” Bruce called after his retreating figure and immediately felt a whole lot better.

  Twenty-nine

  Apart from Bruce’s odd forays into town to play Stim, Bruce and Sue become strangely isolated out at the farm. This didn’t worry Bruce much, although he was heard to murmur it was typical of the Skidians not to take an interest in what was good for them. For Sue it was different matter; she wasn’t as content keeping her own company, as Bruce was keeping his.

  The farm ticked over nicely; it was not as if a whole lot of effort was required in running it. Bruce, as he had intended, had become more or less surplus to requirements. This would have been an ideal state of affairs if he headed a training program full of eager Skidians. But such an institution had never eventuated. Cyprus turned out to be the only permanent recruit. And a semi-permanent one at that.

  Maybe they’ve solved their food production problems, Bruce thought one day and asked Cyprus about it.

  Bruce wasn’t surprised when Cyprus merely shrugged his shoulders. “Well, what are you going to do about it?”

  “I don’t know,” he replied.

  With that attitude, Bruce realized he was never going to be able to do much for the Skidians. They didn’t seem to be able to comprehend that they needed to build the abattoirs to process the ivops or build the machinery to cultivate the vast plains and harvest the crops, let alone educate the people to process and eat these products. Bruce could show them how but they had to do it for themselves, as he couldn’t command the resources of the planet. He felt that if he could cope with that failure, he could then start working out how he was going to keep himself occupied in a constructive manner and enjoy himself for the rest of his life on Skid.