Broken Lullabies

by Nicole Simone

  “Sorry.”

  “It’s not as if I thought the outcome would be different.” I sat upright and faced Sean. “From the beginning, our relationship was doomed and I kept trying to put a safe distance between us, but that didn’t matter. I fell for her anyways.”

  “The heart wants the heart wants.”

  “Seriously, stop with the self-help bullshit. We are a thousand miles from a hospital and I’m afraid I’m going to have to punch you if you keep talking like that.”

  Sean held up his hands in surrender. “All right, fine, but you know, I’m right. You can’t control who you fall in love with. Do you think Bunny was my type? She looked like a NR rated version of Snow White, but there was an attraction, a spark, so to speak, and we got married against my better judgment.”

  “So you’re saying it’s good things ended between Camille and I?”

  “No, because Camille isn’t Bunny. Although I know close to nothing about her, you wouldn’t have gotten involved with a woman if she weren’t special.”

  “What are you saying then?”

  Sean’s eyebrows pulled together. “I’m not sure.”

  Glancing out the window, a gentle snowfall had begun to cover the trees and ground with a blanket of white. I wondered what Camille was doing at this very moment. Curled up in an armchair, reading her latest romance novel with a glass of wine, or writing her own story, her fingers tapping away at the keyboard. Whatever she was doing, I wanted to be there.

  Sean was right. Camille was as special as a golden tinted sunset. The memories we’d created together were worth the pain and heartbreak that had followed and I would cherish them forever, but that didn’t erase the ache in my chest.

  “I understand what you’re trying to tell me,” I said.

  “Does that mean you’re going to leave this shack then and come back to Seattle where your career is waiting for you?”

  “No, because I haven’t completed my penance yet.”

  “Why are you doing penance?”

  “I’m the reason Camille didn’t get her dream career, therefore, I should sacrifice mine as well.”

  “That’s the stupidest thing I have ever heard,” Sean admonished.

  Since Camille and I shared the same secret in our past, it wasn’t my place to reveal it to anyone without her permission.

  “It’s not stupid if you understood the context.”

  “And let me guess, you aren’t going to fill that in for me, are you?” My silence was enough of an answer for Sean. He pinched the bridge of his nose. “Fine, but can you explain, without giving any details, how you managed to fuck up her dream career?”

  “I did something that set her on a different path than the one she wanted to take.”

  He put together the puzzle pieces and frowned. “You guys knew each other before Marlene’s wedding then?”

  “Yes.”

  “Huh. That’s an interesting development, and if I had to take another wild guess, whatever you did was bad, like life-changing bad?”

  “Yes.”

  “All right then.”

  “But in my defense, I was young and stupid and thought it was the right thing to do.”

  Sean let out a laugh devoid of humor. “Half our decisions when we are young are based upon that principal. According to scientists, male brains don’t reach full emotional maturity until we are 42.”

  “That explains a lot,” I mumbled.

  “Yea, but that doesn’t explain why you are punishing yourself for a mistake that happened in the past? If Camille wanted to be a…”

  “Writer,” I supplied.

  “Then she would have been one.”

  “My mistake ruined an opportunity she had and forced her to move back home, where out of guilt, she got shoved into getting her PhD in psychology.”

  “That’s her own doing, Matthew,” Sean said. “If she wanted another opportunity as a writer, she could have found one.”

  “It’s complicated.”

  “I’m sure it is, and I’m not excusing you from whatever the hell you did, but holing yourself up in this cabin and ruining the career you built through hard work and blind luck is selfish. The press has been hounding the band and Camille for weeks on your whereabouts. You created a shit storm and then left us to deal with it.”

  I flinched. “Is it that bad?”

  “Worse than bad. There has been a rumor floating around the Internet that Camille has killed you and is keeping you in her deep freezer.”

  “Shit.”

  After being in the limelight for the past three and a half years, the paparazzi and I weren’t strangers. I’ve had my face plastered on magazine covers with damaging headlines, but the saying “There is no such thing as bad publicity” was true. My notoriety skyrocketed with each false scandal. However, they’d kept my close friends and loved ones out of the rumor mill…until now, apparently. I buried my face in my hands as remorse swept over me. Even when I thought I was doing the right thing, I managed to do the opposite and make everything worse. Again.

  Looking up at Sean, his eyebrows rose to his hairline. “You do know what you have to do, right?”

  “If I go back to Seattle, I won’t be able to stay away from Camille.”

  “It’s been two months, man, maybe she has forgiven you.”

  Hope flared to life for a brief moment at the prospect, but there was too much water under the bridge for that to happen. She had given me her trust and I had thrown it into the trash. Camille would never be mine again. My heart crashed to my toes.

  “I don’t deserve her forgiveness,” I said in a broken whisper.

  Sean’s hand clasped my shoulder. “She also doesn’t deserve to be dragged through the mud. Staying here is doing more harm than good. Besides, I don’t want to make the hike to my car alone, in the dark, without cell phone reception.

  “We’ll go in the morning.”

  His face lit up at what I was saying. “You’re going to emerge from the bat cave and return to society?!”

  “Yes.” I swallowed the dread that had formed. “Camille deserves to be left alone in peace, and if the only way that’s going to happen is if I come back, then I have no other choice.”

  Knocking gently on the front door, I shifted the care package in my arms, which weighed about five million pounds. I might have gone overboard with the number of presents, but your best friends only had twins once. Also, I didn’t want Nil to feel excluded, so there were a couple of goodies in there for her too.

  Luke answered, looking sleep deprived but brimming with happiness. “Hey, Marlene is in the bedroom, but try to be quiet. The babies are napping, and when one wakes up, the other does too.”

  I smiled. “I’ll be quiet as a mouse. Promise.”

  He stepped aside and I padded into the living room. Leaving the bundle of gifts, I walked to the back of the house where the master bedroom was. Marlene glanced up at my arrival. Pointing to the two bassinets next to her bed, she pressed her finger to her lips. I nodded my understanding and crossed the threshold.

  The twins, a boy and a girl, were on their backs with their arms flung up above their heads. They were as chubby as Nil had been and equally as precious. My heart squeezed with longing. One day, I wanted what Marlene had. A husband and three adorable kids. Unfortunately, the man I’d envisioned sharing my life with hadn’t spoken to me in almost two and a half months.

  “They’re precious,” I cooed.

  Marlene stifled a yawn. “And exhausting. I feel as if I haven’t slept in ages.”

  “Do you and Luke share parenting duties?”

  “Of course but he’s working on his new record label and the restaurant. I’m almost convinced he’s a vampire or some other supernatural being who doesn’t require rest.”

  Laughing, I crawled onto her bed and glanced at the pile of magazines strewn about. Matthew’s arresting grey eyes stared up at me from the cover of Star Magazine. The same one from the supermarket a couple of days ago. I shoved it
off the side where it landed with a heavy plop. Marlene drew a breath as she shot an anxious glance at her twins. They remained asleep.

  “Oh, thank God,” she said, exhaling.

  “Sorry. I promised to Luke to remain quiet.”

  “Being quiet isn’t in your DNA.”

  “True, but for your sake, I’ll try extra hard.”

  “Thank you. What did you drop?” Marlene craned her neck to the opposite side of the bed. Understanding dawned on her face. “It sucks, doesn’t it?”

  “To never be rid of him? Yes, it completely sucks, to put it mildly. How did you deal?”

  “I had a daughter to raise and little time to mope around and cyberstalk Luke.”

  “I’m not moping,” I denied weakly.

  “Honey, you wouldn’t even eat the chocolate cake I baked you.”

  “I’m not in the mood for sweets. ”

  “Says the girl who used to finish an entire pie by herself.”

  Folding my arms, I flopped back against the mound of pillows and looked up at the ceiling. In my past relationships, classic romance movies had stitched up my broken heart. My separation with Matthew felt like a gaping wound without any medical equipment to fix it.

  “My mom advised me to not let Matthew break my spirit,” I said.

  “Do you think he did?”

  “No, if anything, he glued the pieces back together.”

  Sensing Marlene’s grin, I rolled onto my side. “What? Are you enjoying my misery?”

  “Would it a bad time to tell you I told you so?” Off my blatant confusion, she grinned wider. “A week or two after my wedding, I predicted you would fall for Matthew.”

  “When?”

  She tapped her finger to her lips. “Give me a minute. Mommy brain is a real thing.”

  As I waited for her to recall this supposed incident, my eyes wandered to the floral arrangements and cards lining her vanity from friends and loved ones. One bouquet in particular towered above the rest and burst with purple and white blossoms.

  “Stunning, isn’t it?”

  “Who sent it?” I asked, curiously. Marlene’s weighty pause caused my chin to lurch over my left shoulder. She wore the expression of a guilty woman. “Spill.”

  “Matthew.”

  “Delivery or in person?”

  “Delivery.”

  “Was there a return address on the card or anything?”

  “For someone who supposedly isn’t interested, you sure are asking a lot of questions.” Off my pointed look, her teasing nature dissipated and she replied. “No, but according to Luke he has come home to Seattle. I would have told you, except I thought you wanted nothing to do with him. Your words, not mine.”

  I did want nothing to do with Matthew. He’d proven he was a selfish rock star who only looked out for himself by allowing my attacker to walk free minus a few broken bones. How could I love someone like that?

  As if I had spoken the question out loud, she replied. “You need to forgive him like I did with Luke.”

  “Luke didn’t play the monster in your nightmares.”

  “You’re right. He played one in my present waking life by abandoning me eight months pregnant to follow his dreams.”

  “Fine, but at least he never said awful abusive things to you.”

  Marlene arched an eyebrow at my competitive streak. “You win. You happy?”

  “Yes. No.” Flopping onto my stomach, I buried my face into the pillows and groaned. “Why did it have to be Matthew that night and not someone else?”

  “Personally, I’m glad it was him.”

  I lifted my head and glared at her. “You’re supposed to be taking my side.”

  “I am on your side, but think about the other men who were there. They didn’t speak up and defend you from further harm. They cheered on your aggressor. Matthew saved you Camille.”

  “While also leaving scars.”

  Throwing her arms in the air, she sighed, exasperated. “If you’re not willing to open your mind and stop being so damn stubborn, there is no point.”

  Marlene had the Dr. Phil gene. She doled out advice like Tic-tacs to strangers and friends alike. It would be annoying except her guidance never led you astray.

  Leaving my pig-headedness at the door, I opened my ears and listened. “Sorry, I’ll shut up. Please proceed.

  Male voices floated in from the living room. It sounded like Luke and someone else. Someone familiar. They drifted closer. Rumbling laughter froze my limbs and simultaneously melted my heart.

  Matthew.

  Marlene met my panicked expression with a remorseful smile. “Oops.”

  “‘Oops’?!” I cried in a low whisper. “‘Oops’ is for when you drop the orange juice on the floor. Forgetting to tell me my ex is stopping by is a level-five screw up.”

  “They probably won’t come in here.”

  Her reassurance did nothing to calm the butterflies throwing a dance party in my gut. Even though I’d dreamt about seeing Matthew again, I couldn’t do it without dissolving into a puddle of emotions and breaking the cardinal rule of running into your ex. You needed to exude a don’t-give-a-fuck attitude as if they hadn’t chainsawed your heart into smithereens.

  Scrambling off the bed, I jammed my arms into my jacket sleeves. “I’ll call you later this week.”

  “How are you going to bypass Matthew?”

  “Through the back door.”

  “You can see the kitchen from the living room.”

  “I’ll crawl if I have too.”

  “Look, if anyone understands, it’s me. When I saw Luke again, I ran and hid in the bathroom…”

  A light bulb flicked on in my head. “The bathroom! There’s a window in there, right?” Disregarding her disapproving stare, I blew her a kiss goodbye and peeked my head into the hallway.

  Clear.

  With the skills of a ninja, I snuck into the guest bathroom. Once the door clicked shut, my eyes latched onto my escape route. A twelve by twelve window. It wasn’t big enough to fit a toddler, however, there weren’t any other options. Dragging a step stool to the wall, I removed the screen. My arms wavered under the strain as I hoisted myself upwards and then dropped back down.

  Shit. I should have gone to those strength-training classes with Koral.

  I was about to give it another go when the doorknob began to turn. It was like watching a horror movie in slow motion. I looked around the small space for somewhere to hide. At the last second, I yanked a towel off the rack and positioned it in front of me. Old Spice mingled with the scent of laundry detergent as Matthew crossed the threshold. His demanding presence squeezed the air from the room. Fingers crossed he’d believe I was a ghost and run screaming from the bathroom.

  “You have many talents but hiding is not one of them.”

  Lowering the scrap of material, my brain short-circuited as our eyes locked. Wherever Matthew had been, he clearly hadn’t had access to a razor. A mountain man beard covered his cheeks and made me rethink my stance on facial hair. I envisioned him chopping wood with sweat beading on his bare chest, biceps bulging as he lifted the ax…

  “Camille?”

  I snapped out of my daydream, hot and bothered. It had taken less than twenty seconds for me to break the cardinal rule about appearing unfazed.

  “I wasn’t hiding. I was checking the thread count.” Matthew had the audacity to smirk, annoying me like only he could. “Haven’t you heard of knocking?”

  “I did knock.”

  “No, you didn’t.”

  “You were probably too busy trying to escape out of the window. Quick tip: Jump first then haul yourself up.”

  I hated him. I really truly hated him.

  Launching the towel at Matthew’s head, he caught it with a laugh.

  “How did you know?” I asked.

  “The missing screen is a dead giveaway.”

  “Oh.”

  “So, did you forget how doors work, or is this a new thing you’re trying?”
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  Matthew must have become delusional during his time in hiding if he thought I would shoot the shit with him like we were old pals.

  “I’ll see you around.” Gathering my pride, I walked toward the doorway blocked by his hulking stature. “Excuse me.”

  “Give me five minutes.”

  “Why? So you can spot another handful of lies and then disappear into the void, leaving me to deal with your crazy fans?”

  Remorse lined his mouth. “I was trying to do the right thing by doing penance for torching the future you dreamed about.”

  “By ruining your own career?”

  “I ruined yours. It only seems fair.”

  Flabbergasted at this backwards logic, I gaped at him and shook my head. “Are you kidding me right now? You lost a groundbreaking deal with Interscope because you wanted to clear your conscience?”

  “I didn’t lose it. It’s still on the table but I have to give them my final decision tonight.”

  “Your answer better be yes.”

  His grey eyes hardened into slabs of stone. “I don’t deserve anything besides a jail cell.”

  “This isn’t about you! This is about the other musicians who would benefit from the doors the deal would open for them. God, you are so freaking selfish!”

  “If it makes me selfish for only thinking about you the past two months and how to redeem myself as the man you deserve, then yes, I’m selfish! Sue me.”

  A tense silence passed between us. I swung from wanting to slap him sideways to drowning in his kisses and back again. When it came to Matthew, my emotions were endlessly complicated and endlessly exhausting.

  “Is that why you sent my manuscript to your friend? To win me over?” I asked.

  “No, I sent it to her because you are a talented writer who deserves to be recognized.”

  A rosy blush colored my cheeks. “Thank you. We talked and she wants to adapt it into a play.”

  “Of course she does.”

  Lost in Matthew’s infectious grin, I forgot for a moment about the lies and betrayal. About how the monster was one and the same with the man standing before me, yet they couldn’t be any more different. One cruel without an inch of remorse, the other egotistical with a heart of gold.

  He stepped forward and lifted my chin with the tip of his finger. The flecks of blue etched into his irises sparkled as he smiled. “Seeing you for even a couple of minutes has shed light onto my darkened world.” He swept the pad of his thumb across my cheek with reverence. “God, I wish I could bask in your presence forever.”