Old Age Private Oh My! (Old Age Pensioner Investigations (OAPI) Cozy Mysteries Book 2)

by A. W. Blakely

  What had they learned? That it wasn't nice being in a coffin, that you would die within maybe six or seven hours if you could keep calm, and that burying someone even in a shallow grave would still kill them fast unless there were some serious flaws in the design of the coffin. His mind was drifting again; had he answered Kate? Clearly not by the way she was tapping her foot impatiently.

  "I think it was necessary. I know we can't bury any of us alive and see how long it takes to die, but we got a feel for it. You did, anyway. You die quite quickly in a coffin, and if you panic, or breathe too fast, like you did, then it could be over in maybe an hour or less."

  "I got it, I got it," said Spider excitedly. "So why bother? Why go to the extra trouble of burying someone alive unless you wanted them to suffer?"

  "Exactly. It makes it a lot more difficult. Nobody will get in knowing what will happen. You'd fight tooth and nail, maybe even prefer to be killed before you went in. So the question remains. What hold did the killer have over the men that they would lie down voluntarily and let themselves be nailed in? It must have been something terrible."

  "A threat?" said Kate. "Maybe they threatened to do it to Denise? Or maybe they threatened to torture them? Could be anything."

  "I suppose so, but still. No, there is something else. Something we are missing. This has been worthwhile, I think. It's made us all realize you absolutely wouldn't get in and lie there while the lid was nailed shut. The men weren't battered or bruised according to the news, were they?"

  "No, it's been part of the follow-up stories. Part of the mystery. They were found dead from lack of air, had clawed and tried to escape, but no other signs of injury."

  "I told you it was just like those magic shows on TV," said Spider. "Proper mystery. Like it's unsolvable."

  "We'll solve it, don't you worry," said Stanley. "It's all coming together, I can feel it. I think we should visit Denise again. We need to update her anyway, and maybe we'll think of more questions to ask. Maybe find out who they were closest to, go interview their friends and the like. We need to find out as much as we can about them."

  "Okay, Dad, let's do it. My poor car will be exhausted, all this going back and forth."

  "Not as tired as I am. But if we solve it and get paid in full then maybe you can buy another car."

  Kate stared at him like he had lost the plot. "Are you mad? I could never give up my Mini."

  "You sure? Maybe buy something that won't go over thirty."

  "Cheeky. Come on, let's go. Poor Roobarb, he hasn't got a clue what's been happening."

  They looked at the rather confused dog, sitting staring at them, unsure if they were playing a game or if something bad was about to happen. "It's all right, boy," soothed Stanley. "We just wanted to bury Kate alive for a little while, but it's over now."

  Kate frowned and headed back to the road and the car.

  Stanley and Spider high-fived—once they were sure she couldn't see.

  Visiting the Client (Again)

  Kate called ahead and Denise promised to be home within the hour. She was out at the supermarket, doing a "big shop" apparently. Kate said she sounded rather overexcited for such a mundane task.

  They killed a little time walking and talking in a nearby park once they got close. One thing Stanley knew for sure was he would need a serious rest from his daughter's driving after the ridiculous amount of trips back and forth between the village and town over the last few days.

  All the exercise was doing Roobarb the world of good though. He seemed to have shrunk in size—hardly surprising when Stanley thought about all the time they'd spent in parks in addition to his usual walks.

  Maybe Stanley should start upping his exercise?

  Kate kept an eye on the time as she had told Babs they would be back well before dinner, so they went over to Denise's as soon as the hour was up.

  When they arrived, she was carrying in her groceries, a large pile of bags outside the front door that Spider graciously offered to help with. Denise went into the kitchen and put away anything that needed to go in the fridge or freezer, then joined them in the living room, clearing a place for the tea she brought.

  With a nod of thanks, Stanley grabbed his quick, recalling the flying ash from the last visit.

  "Looks like you've been busy," said Kate.

  "Yes, I did a really big shop. Got loads of things. I can't tell you what a relief it is to finally be able to splurge a little. I was too worried about being able to pay your bill if the case went on too long to even think about buying much food."

  "That's what we came for, to keep you up-to-date," said Kate.

  "Have you found who did it? Ugh, those—" Denise was clearly about to swear but held her words because of Spider.

  "Don't worry, I'm sure Spider here has heard worse than you could say," said Stanley.

  "You'd be surprised," said Denise. "Anyway, have you found who did it? The scum."

  "No, I'm afraid not. But we are making progress. We spoke to the man who had the van stolen, and the man who found it, so we are getting closer all the time, you can be sure of that." Stanley wasn't sure, but you had to be optimistic in front of clients.

  "And what do you reckon happened, then? I mean, apart from them being murdered and all." Denise lit up a cigarette, her strange purple-red lipstick staining the filter tip again like her lips were bleeding into the discount cigarette.

  Stanley wondered if she'd actually gone out shopping wearing her odd tracksuit thing—he guessed she had.

  "I don't want to go into specifics at the moment," Stanley thought he was getting the hang of the detective spiel now—saying things while saying nothing meaningful at all. It was easier than he'd thought. "But you can rest assured we have some interesting leads. My main concern right now is exactly, um, how shall I put this? Sorry if this is in bad taste and brings up some horrible images, but what I can't figure out is how they were made to get into the coffins in the first place."

  "Knowing that pair they probably thought it would be better than being killed. They never were the sharpest pencils in the drawer." Denise sucked hard on her cigarette. Ash fell where Stanley's cup of tea would have been if he hadn't rescued the sugary goodness from the contamination.

  "I doubt that. Getting inside is rather scary even if you aren't being threatened. We should know. But getting inside knowing you'll be buried alive? Well, you'd fight hard not to, that's for sure. Maybe they threatened your dad and brother, said they would harm you if they didn't comply."

  "Ha, fat chance. They would have tried to save their own skin, I bet. Look, we weren't that close. Sure, we got along, sometimes, but we were not that close a family. I know I come across as a bit rough, but I've tried my best to make my way and get from this place and not be around bad influences. I don't wanna be back here, and now it looks like maybe I won't have to be."

  "What do you mean?" Stanley knew this was important. He just knew it. "Ah, this is to do with the shopping, isn't it? You've come into some money."

  "More than that," said Denise brightly, stabbing out her cigarette in the ashtray, causing butts to burn as it was so full.

  "What? What is it? Did you find loads of cash your dad and brother hid in the walls of the house or something?" Spider stared around the room, looking for holes in the plasterwork.

  Stanley and Kate glared at him, but he was lost in his own imagination.

  "No, nothing like that. It's my gran, she got in touch. I haven't seen her for years. My dad and her had a big row when I was a kid and they never spoke again. So stupid. Meant me and my brother missed out. She's sweet, seems well nice, and she's got this big house. Well, guess who's gonna go live there with her?"

  "Oh, that sounds wonderful," said Kate.

  "Sure does. How did she get in touch? Did you call her?"

  "Nope, and I wouldn't know how to. I went and saw her yesterday, right out of the blue it was. She called me up and said she just heard about Dad and Robert. She was real sad and said she
wished she'd tried to make up with Dad but was as pig-headed as he was. You should see her place, it's huge."

  "And she wants you to go live there? Where is it? Is it far?"

  "About an hour away," Denise said, waving it away as it clearly didn't matter to her where it was. "She gave me a little money, even though I said I didn't want it. But anyway, yeah, we can be a family. I've always wanted to get close to my gran, but I didn't even know where she lived, and you know how it is. You kind of forget about people when they aren't part of your life."

  Stanley knew how it was. He'd done the same with Pam and Spider. Put them out of his mind, not included them enough. The boy needed family, just look how different he was now he'd had proper quality time with him and Kate.

  "We're all very pleased for you. Just out of interest, can you tell me the address? Maybe I can go have a word with her. Just in case she can add anything."

  "I don't think you'll have any luck that way," said Denise, looking confused. "They haven't seen each other for donkey's years."

  "Please, it could help."

  "Hang on." Denise picked up her phone from the table, brushed the ash off it, then handed it Stanley.

  Stanley handed it straight to Kate, who rolled her eyes at him but put the number on the screen into her own phone.

  After handing it back, Stanley said, "Thanks. I think that's it. I'm happy about your gran, and we will let you know the moment we hear anything."

  "Great, and, Stanley?"

  "Yes?"

  "All of you, actually. I wanna say thanks for believing me. I know I look a bit dodgy myself at times, and don't try to say I don't. And I know we look like we're trouble, what with the house and all, but they weren't bad people, not really. And I'm not. Sometimes you just can't get a break, know what I mean? Things get on top of you and you end up spiraling down and out of control. You can't seem to stop it, and you watch like you're looking at another person, and pretend it isn't happening. Does that make sense?"

  "It makes absolute sense. And I'm sorry if I judged you, Denise, but I never for one moment thought you had anything to do with it." Kate tried to catch his eye, and raised her eyebrows, but Stanley pretended not to notice.

  "Nice to see you again, Denise, and we'll be sure to be in touch soon."

  "Bye, Denise," said Spider.

  They let themselves out while Denise whistled and sorted out the rest of her shopping. The dog stared at them but kept quiet, and even Roobarb seemed to have gained confidence, sauntering with a cocky swagger to the front gate.

  A few minutes later they were back in the car, heading, once again, to Banrook.

  Grumpy Old Man

  "That was a turn up for the books, wasn't it?" said Stanley once they were well on their way and the roads seemed clear enough to risk conversation.

  "How do you mean?" asked Kate.

  "Well, her gran getting in touch, and being rather well-to-do."

  "Seems like Denise deserves a break to me." Kate flipped down her visor to check her lipstick. Stanley prayed she thought it was all right, only releasing the breath he was holding when she flipped it back up, satisfied.

  "I guess. But we should go visit this woman, see if she can offer any insights into her son and grandson."

  "Uncle Stan, she hasn't seen them for years. What's the point?" Spider leaned forward and Stanley scowled as his seat wobbled from side to side, making his back twinge strangely.

  "Will you stop doing that! It's driving me crazy. Stop pulling my seat!" Spider let go with a shocked expression and Kate turned and looked at Stanley, eyes wide. "Sorry, sorry. I didn't mean to snap. I'm tired, and I don't know if I'm up for this. Too much chasing about, traveling all over the place, going back and forth like this. I'm old, useless. Sorry."

  Kate looked in the rearview and exchanged a glance with Spider. He looked nervous, worried, the same as she did. Stanley never took out his moods on his family. "Dad, it's okay. And don't you ever say you're useless. You are an amazing detective, right, Spider?"

  "Absolutely. You're the best, Uncle Stan. Sorry about pulling your seat, I keep forgetting."

  "It's all right. I'm sorry, it's not your fault. I'm just feeling my age and it gets a little depressing, I guess. Never get old, Spider. As you kids would put it, it sucks."

  "Haha. Okay, I won't."

  "Right, let's go home," said Kate. "I'll call Denise's gran when we get there, see if we can go meet her tomorrow. You up for that, Dad?"

  "Of course. I just need a good night's rest, but right now I'd settle for a sit in my chair."

  The rest of the journey was made in silence. Kate drove carefully, for her, Spider leaned back against his own seat, and Stanley cursed old age while doubting just about everything in his life—apart from his family.

  ***

  Uncharacteristically, Stanley excused himself less than half an hour after dinner and went to bed. He felt out of sorts, not himself at all, and really regretted shouting at Spider. He was just a young kid, yet Stanley had taken his frustrations out on him.

  It wasn't just frustration over the case, either, there was more to it than that. He could hardly be expected to solve such a major crime in a matter of a few days, much as he would like to, so what was the problem?

  As Stanley lay in bed, half aware of the muffled sounds of his family talking in the living room, even Spider, he knew they would be discussing his mood and outburst. What would they be saying? That he was past it? Should never have tried to be a private eye? That he was a fool, too old to do anything but see out his remaining years sitting in his chair going slowly out of his mind?

  Stanley pulled back the sheets and stared down at his own body, flesh exposed apart from his usual bed attire of a white vest and a pair of boxer shorts. He looked like a damn elephant. Knees all wrinkled, belly too large, blotches on his skin, hairs white and brittle on his legs and arms.

  What happened? Why was he being punished?

  "Life, Stanley. Life happened. You provided for your family, worked hard every day until retirement, and you are a fool of a man for being ungrateful for that. You have a perfect wife and perfect daughter, and even your sister-in-law and nephew are a blessing, in their own way. So stop moaning and pull yourself together."

  Stanley covered himself, let his mind consider the case, and much more besides. He thought about wayward landlords and dodgy boilers. About being buried alive in a coffin and how much it would take for him to be forced inside one. He contemplated his own future and that of his family, and he thought about Denise Everwood in her strange tracksuit that wasn't for actual exercise and the fact that her estranged gran had been in touch with the promise to take care of her.

  Eventually, he fell asleep.

  Stanley dreamed of murder, being old, family, and coffins.

  At six thirty in the morning he awoke feeling fresh, excited, and happy.

  "I've cracked the case," he whispered, so as not to wake Babs.

  Stanley got dressed quietly and went to put the kettle on.

  One Case Solved

  During breakfast, Stanley kept quiet about his breakthrough, even managing to stay calm when he found himself unable to get into his own bathroom again and had to endure the sounds of Pam singing, heard through the walls as if they were made of paper.

  He felt happy, the depression of the day before washed away with the realization he was no fool, could still be useful, and that his mind still functioned well. He felt daft for doubting himself so much, but guessed that was human nature. Too much confidence is as bad as too little. He just had to find the right balance.

  One thing he had learned—he had to trust himself. Trust his instincts and not put himself down just because he wasn't a youngster. Old people had plenty to offer the world, they just had to be given the chance. Or, and this was far more important, put themselves out there and show the world they were more than capable of being worthwhile contributors to society and to their families. Family, as always, coming first.

&nb
sp; So he apologized to Spider once more, said nothing to the lad about the conclusions that came to him when he woke up, and kissed his daughter when she arrived. Babs was quieter than usual, clearly worried about what Kate would definitely have told her the night before regarding his mood and what he'd said, so he made sure to pay her extra attention, kissing and cuddling her whenever he got the chance. She smiled, her eyes shining bright with the attention, and soon the mood was the lightest and happiest it had been in the house for some time.

  This was down to him. He could lift the spirits of those around him with just a little effort. Stanley was proud that he could improve his family's life merely by being attentive and happy. He made a mental note to never forget such a morning of laughter and chatter as everyone went about their daily rituals. With chuckles, jokes, and smiles they ate a happy breakfast together, as a family.

  Soon enough it was time to leave. Kate had spoken with Denise's grandmother and they could visit her that very morning. Stanley couldn't wait. He had the case solved, he was sure of it. Not that he could say anything yet, far from it. It was mere speculation, the pieces finally slotting into place while he slept, his mind filtering and sorting clues until he came to a realization.

  Now all he had to do was actually find the evidence to support what he felt was more than theory but the truth. It all made sense. He was surprised he hadn't seen it sooner, even more surprised the police hadn't come to the same conclusion he had. But then, they weren't the founding member of OAPI, were they?

  Stanley wasn't useless, he was a private eye, and determined to be the very best, regardless of age.

  Before they left to go see Denise's newfound grandmother, Stanley gave both Babs and Pam a kiss. The women seemed shocked, especially as he beamed at them both and got them into a group hug. They were probably expecting him to turn grumpy at some point, so he made sure to be extra kind and happy. Pam wasn't so bad, and to be fair she had been having a hard time of it.

  Stanley was still unsure what to do with the information he had, but one thing was certain, he wouldn't tell Pam about what he had figured out concerning some, not all, of the problems she had been having of late. He owed Spider that much, as long as the boy reacted in the right way. He had every confidence he would; Stanley just had to broach the subject correctly.