I reached out and touched her hand, trying to offer comfort. “You need to stop overthinking this. No matter what the truth is, you're making it worse by agonizing over it.”
“How can I not?”
I gave her a thin smile. “Do you want me to take you to your mom's office?”
“No. Thanks, though.” She sighed loudly. “No, I think I'll wallow a little bit longer. I don't do it near enough, you know?” She pulled her hand away and started eating her lunch. I followed Olivia's example and ate my dessert first—I needed a sugar boost.
The bell rang, signifying the end of lunch. I stood, wondering if I should wait for Patrick here or just go on to our next class. Before I could decide, he came up behind me, trying to act alert and normal despite his hard mouth and weary eyes.
“Where were you?” Lee demanded loosely, slinging her backpack over her shoulder.
“Just some, um, parent troubles,” he lied—not quite as lithely as usual.
Lee snorted. “Yeah, I hear you on that one,” she mumbled, before turning to walk away.
Patrick watched her retreat, before turning a worried look to me. “Is something wrong? Did I say something?”
“No it's, um… nothing. Lee's mom, and… stuff.”
Landen and Jason nodded as one to Patrick, and he nodded promptly in return as the kids began to stand. Patrick stooped to snatch up his bag and waved to Trent (who refused to follow the helping aide until Patrick said good-bye), and then we were walking out of the cafeteria.
“So?” I asked, impatient to know what Toni had said.
“They haven't found anything. They're taking a break.”
“Are you still going out there tonight?”
His head bowed affirmatively.
I sighed. “I guess I can make something up—I probably shouldn't even talk to my Grandpa, ’cuz he'll know I'm lying from my aura. But I can tell my grandma something.”
“Why?” Patrick asked, honestly looking confused.
“I'm coming with you.”
He shook his head emphatically. “No, you're not. The unknown variables constitute a very real risk that I'm—”
“I'm coming. You need a Seer.”
“I'm taking Jason with me.”
“Patrick—”
“No, Kate. There's no reason for you to go along. Not this time.” I stared into his eyes, and I knew there would be no budging him. Trying to stifle my hurt and displeasure, I focused on where we were walking.
We didn't speak again until after school. Patrick walked me to my car quickly—we'd beaten Lee today—and though he was distracted, he leaned down to kiss me briefly.
“I'm going to hurry back to the warehouse—try to get some sleep before tonight. But if you need anything, feel free to call.”
I turned to unlock my car and pulled the door open before he could lean in and grab the handle. He held on to the door as I pushed my backpack inside. I tried to keep my emotions in check as I twisted back to face him.
I felt a little guilty for my obstinate behavior when I saw the flicker of hurt in his eyes. I sighed quickly and then gave in and embraced him. “Just promise me you'll be careful,” I whispered fiercely, my arms tight around his neck.
His arms flexed around me, and he nodded into my shoulder. “I will.” He pulled back, smiling dimly. “I love you.”
“I love you,” I whispered, before leaning in to lay my lips against his. He responded with a tenderness that made my stomach flip, and for a very brief moment, I forgot to be upset with him, and even my twinge of fear was gone. For one fervent moment.
He ended the kiss much too soon and gave me a last smile. It was meant to be reassuring, but he was so tired it was more worrying than anything else. And then he turned and walked away, heading further into the parking lot.
I rolled down the window in an attempt to let some cool air in while I waited inside the car for Lee and was distantly annoyed by an intrusive vibrating sound.
It took me a long second to realize it was my phone, which I'd stashed in my backpack earlier. I twisted around so I could drag my bag up from the floor of the backseat, but by the time I tugged on the zipper and jerked the bag open, the vibrating had stopped.
My searching fingers finally brushed the flat device, and I snatched the phone out. As I settled back into my seat I flipped it open. Toni had tried to call me.
I redialed and waited a bit impatiently for him to answer. For someone who had just barely tried calling me, he took his sweet time to pick up.
“Kate, glad you called me back. What's up?” His joking voice was a little less enthusiastic than usual.
“According to Patrick, there's nothing worth worrying about, if you get my drift.”
“So, he shot you down, huh? No hunting trip for you.”
“Did you call to taunt? Because if that's all, give it a rest. Lee will be here any—”
“Trust me, I'd love to rest. But Jason just called, and he won't be able to go on the hunt tonight—something about some huge group project due. Like that matters, right?” I couldn't help but roll my eyes at Toni. I for one looked up to Jason, who not only supported Jack as a full-time Seer but was attending college at the same time. Toni continued easily, not missing a beat. “So anyway, I was going to just take his place and Patrick and I would go out again to look for this guy, but we really have no idea what he looks like. Jack's already been working for over two days straight, so we need a Seer to help pick him out. Want the job?”
I could hardly believe it. “Yes. Of course I would.”
“You sound a mite eager there, chica. I thought these Guardian activities were too exciting for you.”
“This is different. No Demons. Besides, this is why I'm here, right? To help?”
“And spend time with your boyfriend?”
I could picture his eyebrows wiggling from here. “You sound like my eleven-year-old sisters,” I told him calmly.
“Yeah, well, just be at the warehouse around eight. Does that work for you?”
“I'll make it work.”
“Then we'll try to get you back before school tomorrow.”
“Maybe I should go take a nap.”
“Good idea. I think I'll do something similar. Oh, and Kate?”
“Yeah?” I could see Lee, just a few cars away.
“Don't tell Patrick I invited you. Wait by the car when you get here, and I'll break it to him on the way down.”
“Be gentle,” I told him.
He sounded offended. “When am I ever otherwise?”
I hung up on him just as Lee opened her door. I hid my phone between my legs, hoping she wouldn't notice and ask questions. She didn't.
We drove in silence to the elementary school, and I tried to mentally prepare for my next Seer assignment.
Patrick O'Donnell
New Mexico, United States
I was completely exhausted. Driving from the school back to the warehouse was hard, my burning eyes begging to close and relieve the sting if only for a second. But one second turned too easily into two, then three, and then I would jerk awake, grateful that the roads I traveled weren't busy. The couple cars around me honked at my unexpected lane changes or sudden slowing, and for a second I would feel alert. But too soon my body would relax, and I became a danger to everyone on the road once more. Some kind of Guardian I was being today.
Luckily the warehouse wasn't far. Within ten minutes, I was pulling into the alley that led back to the somewhat-hidden building that had become my temporary home. I drove around the abandoned warehouse, back to a small shed currently serving as our garage. I twisted the key slowly, and the purr of the idling engine died. I seriously considered falling asleep right there, but somehow I managed to drag myself out of the car. I pulled my backpack up onto my shoulder, closed the door, and stepped out of the shed.
I didn't bother to close the large doors because I knew I'd be back out here in a few hours anyway. My heavy feet trudged to the building as I crossed th
e main factory floor, which was covered in dirt and dust, littered with debris and broken machinary. Climbing the large staircase that would take me to the second floor, I decided to focus on something other than my aching limbs.
Kate's face came immediately to mind, and I relived last night in the next long thirty seconds it would take to get my tired body upstairs.
Despite what Kate thought, I had been more than a little nervous to meet her grandmother. I knew she was a wonderful, loving woman. It wasn't her character that frightened me. It was the approval I knew she'd felt toward Aaron that had me worrying. The worst part was, I agreed with the older woman I'd never met: Kate's previous boyfriend had been a great person. He treated her well and was respectful. So I could understand why Mrs. Bennett would be worried about meeting me. In her eyes, I'd ended a beautiful relationship, and I'd done it in record time.
But as I'd left the Bennett house that night, I felt that I'd passed. She wasn't completely sure of me, that was clear. She was wary, and with good reason. But she no longer believed I was a bad person, a manipulative person. She was resigned to the fact that I loved her granddaughter, and that fact alone was more than I could have hoped for.
Thinking of this brought back more emotions from that night, the most poignant being my feelings for Kate. Standing next to my car, holding her in my arms, having her kiss me in the moonlight—they were images I knew I'd carry with me for the rest of my existence. In the end, nothing else mattered to me more than her. After being a Guardian for so long, wondering if I'd ever feel even a tenth of the happiness I'd felt while I was alive and living with my family, I'd found her.
I'd chosen this life to save my brother—to preserve him as he fought in a bloody revolution. I had watched over him like I'd promised I would, and though I was invisible to him, I felt that he could sense my presence. I'd protected my family when they were forced to flee Ireland for France, but the pain of watching them grow older, moving on with their lives, was too much for me to bear. I left them when Sean turned twenty-one, and though I'd been tempted to return and check on them, I never had. I focused on the life I would have to lead—alone.
It's not uncommon for Guardians to have brief fits of depression. Mine was an ever-present thing, haunting me just below the surface. I wasn't incapacitated by it—only scarred. A slight wound always in my distant thoughts. I tried to do the work of a Guardian. This was the price I would have to pay for saving my brother's life. That's the way I approached my eternity. It was all a payment. A way for Sean to live.
But in the ensuing years—after everyone I knew must long-since be dead—I began to question my own choices. I didn't regret becoming a Guardian and saving my brother. But I found myself wondering what my life would be like now if I hadn't chosen this life. What if I had gone on to heaven? Sean may have died. My parents would have eventually died. But then we would have been together again. Forever.
Put bluntly, I believed that I'd ruined my only chance for happiness.
Some days were darker than others. Coming west had been my best decision in years, for it put me under the care and supervision of Terence. He'd introduced me to Toni, and though for years I had been working alone (as many Guardians choose to do), I accepted my new partner quite eagerly.
Toni's lighthearted spirit helped bring me back from the depression I'd been slipping into, and having someone to teach and protect was almost like having Sean back. Though Toni could be an annoying little creep, he was the closest I'd come to finding a family again. I think he felt that too. That's why we stuck together, though we'd had many opportunities to separate.
Still, the pain and regret was present. Lurking, these feelings would suddenly rear up to stab me, then retreat back into the far reaches of my mind. And they would probably remain a part of me for all eternity. But for now—for this moment in time—they were suspended. Because of her.
Kate's presence in my life had been unexpected. Life-altering. Wonderful. Heart-rending. Something about her gave me a new sense of purpose—a second chance at happiness. And when she chose me, admitted to loving me, for a brief moment I was in heaven. Perhaps not the one I'd been pining after, but that was because I hadn't known this one existed. Kate's love was the sanctuary I'd been yearning for. The destination I'd been hungering after. The only heaven I needed.
For now, being with her, loving her—being loved by her—was enough. More than enough. Of course it wouldn't last forever. In my experience, nothing truly wonderful ever lasted. I would never die, and she would. She would go to heaven, and I would remain here. There was no middle ground. No way around it. That fate was unavoidable. One day—far too soon for me—she would be taken away.
In the beginning, before she'd admitted any feelings for me, I'd imagined what it would be like to love her. What it would be like for her to fall in love with me. Ultimately, I found myself wondering what it would be like when she was gone. The glimpses of that darkest future had shaken me to the core, leaving me almost glad she didn't return any of my feelings. Losing her friendship would be enough to bring me to my knees in despair. To lose her love… I could think of no worse fate. I would be ruined by that blow. Completely destroyed.
Over time would I heal? Possibly. I had managed as much after losing my family.
Would I ever stop aching for her? Never. The mere thought was absurd. My already mixed feelings concerning regrets would become insanely complicated.
In becoming a Guardian, I had found her. Living as a Guardian, I had lost her.
I had never encountered a more paradoxical tragedy.
Whenever these thoughts plagued my mind, I tried to force them back. One day, I would have to face this pain. But I swore to myself it would be a distant day. I would continue to protect her and keep her safe.
These deep thoughts were draining on a normal day, but in my current exhausted state, they were crippling. And so I pushed them away by summoning up the memory of Kate's hands on my face, and let all future doubts slide away. They didn't exist for me. Not here, not now.
Climbing these stairs had never taken me so long. I nearly stumbled as I reached the second floor and tread on the worn floor down the hall. I reached the closed door, pulled it open, and stepped into the living space.
I thought of crashing on the couch but decided my bed wasn't much farther. It was worth the extra effort. I entered my room, closed the door, and fell onto my bed. The mattress was hard, but I was too out of it to complain.
Lying on my stomach, I pinched my eyes closed, loving the instant relief from the burning sensation that had been torturing me for hours now. I considered changing into pajamas, but I didn't want to move.
My room was pretty nondescript. Most Guardians didn't live lavish lives; still, even by Guardian standards, Toni and I lived pretty meanly. This was mostly an attempt to teach Toni that stealing wasn't necessary, because stuff wasn't necessary. Sometimes I wondered if my plan had backfired, but at least it kept things simple. All Guardians had to stay under the radar, and having nothing made that easy.
The old mattress, a hard-backed chair, a battered desk with a small lamp—that made up my personal furniture. Oh, and the threadbare rug, of course.
It wasn't much, but it was enough. There was only one thing in this room that mattered to me, and it was something I wasn't supposed to have at all. Guardians weren't supposed to take things from their old life, and that was the first rule I promptly broke.
I would have preferred to have one of my paintings, such as my mother's beautiful garden, captured on a warm spring morning. But I knew that my memento would need to be small—easy to transport at a moment's notice. And so the small leather-bound book sat perched on my desk, resting in an abandoned warehouse, thousands of miles away from where it had been made. Sketching was not my favorite form of artistic expression, but it was something to hold on to. Something tangible that proved I once lived a normal life with a loving family.
I used to open my sketchbook often—especially during
the years after leaving my family in France. In the last hundred years, I'd probably looked at it twice. And I never got past the first few pages—it was just too painful. The drawing I'd tried to do of my brother, Sean. A sketch depicting my parents, my home… even Sarah McKenna, the girl I thought of often right after my death. I wondered if I would have married her, since my mother had most obviously been trying to push us together.
These memories were like painful stabs to my heart. Maybe someday I would look at them without hurting. I hadn't seen that day yet. Still I kept the book. I never thought of throwing the old, worn book away. There were empty pages, yellowed with age, but I didn't intend to ever use them. The book was unfinished, just like my life had been.
I wasn't sure when these thoughts merged into my dreams, but I had fallen asleep at some point—because in my mind Sean and I were sitting together on my bed, and he was talking to me. Just talking. He was teasing me about my drawings, subtly praising my paintings. I elbowed him, and we laughed together.
We both knew our time together was short—it always was in these dreams. We refused to admit it was only sleeping thoughts that had reunited us, and we never discussed anything serious. Our time was too precious to waste.
And so I brought up the last village dance, mocking him with my words, and communicating my love through my eyes. He flirted outrageously with all the young women, and it was an easy thing for me to target.
Sean smiled and told me about Sarah McKenna, and how her eyes had wandered to me more than once during father's last sermon…
Soon the dream faded, and there was only blackness. I was asleep, and Sean was gone.
Time had passed. I couldn't tell how much. My head was still heavy, but my mind was less clouded. My eyes were no longer burning. I rolled onto my back and stared up at the ceiling. I pulled in a deep breath, then threw a glance to the digital clock poised on the edge of my battered desk.
7:37 p.m.
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