Temptation in Paradise

by Jyoti Singh

  ‘I… I… I am deeply attracted to you… you fascinate me, amaze me, surprise me…’ He floundered.

  Those were not the words Niki wanted to hear. ‘That’s wonderful,’ she said sarcastically.

  ‘Try to understand, Niki… Jay is having an affair, her marriage is falling apart, they have a child… she just needed a shoulder to cry on. At the dinner, we reconnected without all the old emotional baggage and she felt comfortable enough to reach out, that’s all.’ Sid was trying hard to recover the situation. ‘With you, it’s different…’

  Niki couldn’t stop hope from rising. ‘How?’

  ‘I can’t explain… the best way I can put it right now is… I feel more like myself with you than I ever did with her,’ Sid replied.

  There was comparison in his voice, as if he was weighing Niki against Gauri. She felt short-changed; she didn’t have the history they shared. Something hardened in Niki as she said, ‘I think you have some thinking to do, Sid. You need to work out your feelings for Gauri and…’ She searched for the words.

  ‘And?’ Sid prompted.

  ‘What is it that I mean to you…?’ Niki finished but it was not what she wanted to say. She wanted to tell him that she loved him.

  ‘You mean a lot to me, Niki…’ He sounded emotional.

  ‘That’s not enough…’ She took a deep breath and said, ‘I think we need some space from each other. You need to sort this out and I need to figure out whether I can deal with your renewed interest in Gauri’s life…’

  ‘No, Niki, no… We should work through this together…’ He looked bereft.

  ‘Why now? So far, you thought you could deal with it… If you had any intention of involving me, you would have told me from the get go, Sid.’ Now Niki’s voice was flat.

  ‘Don’t be like this, Niki. I’m sorry… It was a lapse in judgement.’ Sid was quick to apologise.

  ‘Come on, Sid. You’re an intelligent man. You didn’t seriously believe there would be no consequences.’ Niki was shutting down.

  His shoulders slumped. ‘I wasn’t thinking… These past few days have been beautiful and carefree… This was complicated and I didn’t want to ruin things between you and me.’

  ‘You just did… and, let me tell you, this was not complicated. It was a very simple choice, really. You just made the wrong one,’ Niki said, immediately shutting out Sid.

  ‘Niki…’ He seemed at a loss for words.

  She didn’t give in to the emotional tug. ‘You have a lot to work through, so I am going to make it really simple for you, Sid—let me be your regret, the one thing you wish you had done differently.’

  It was the end of the conversation as far as Niki was concerned. She refused to play third wheel in the Sid-Gauri saga. If he still had feelings for her, Niki had no place in his life. This was not what she had signed up for.

  She got off the edge of the bed and started pushing her things into her bag with vicious movements. Then she marched into the bathroom and slammed the door. She turned on the shower and started to cry, the sound of her sobs drowned by the flow of water.

  She stayed in the bathroom for longer than usual, taking her time to complete her ablutions but more for the redness of her eyes to fade. She didn’t want Sid to know she was crying over him. He would never know she loved him and that he had broken her heart.

  By the time she came out of the bathroom, Sid was packed and ready. She went about finishing her packing silently. He stayed out of her way even though his body language told her that he wanted to take her in his arms. She would not give in to that temptation. That was a very slippery slope for her. If she gave in now, all would be lost. She would be lost and she wasn’t sure if Sid was worth it.

  They sat in the car, facing away from each other. Looking at but not seeing the passing picturesque scenery. Their arrival, the anticipation, the passion all seemed like a lifetime ago.

  The flight was delayed again because of the weather. Clouds had gathered and a thunderstorm was blowing in. It was reflective of the mood and state of affairs between Sid and Niki and the irony was not lost on her. Sid brought her a coffee and muffin. She took it, thanking him politely, then sat patiently waiting for the weather to clear.

  The flight back was bumpy and there were moments when Niki was really afraid. She quelled her fear but her anxiety was visible. Sid reached out and squeezed her hand. She looked at him; his eyes were pleading. She pulled her hand away and said, ‘I’m all right, thanks.’

  Sid withdrew and she sensed a growing anger in him. His body was rigid but he said nothing. By the time they landed, Sid did not look anything like the man she had known. His jaw was tight and his demeanour cold. Niki felt chilled. She should have expected it; she had probably pushed him too far. Then it occurred to her that if he had such a low threshold for the vicissitudes of a relationship, she was better off knowing now. Not that it helped, she was already in too deep.

  She got Sid to drop her off at her flat; she couldn’t face Tanya just yet. She refused any help with her luggage. As she walked into the foyer of her building, she did not look back.

  Chapter Ten

  Her wrist jangled as she opened the door to her flat. It drew her attention to the lovely charm bracelet that Sid had given her for her birthday. The flood of memories was like the waves that had crashed against the rampart they had been standing on when he’d given it to her. The first thing she did after entering the flat was to take it off and put it deep inside her jewellery box. It was a harsh reminder of her time with Sid and she did not need it right now.

  The tears came unrestrained and she let them flow. She wanted them out of her system before talking to Tanya. As she unpacked, a plan started to formulate in her mind. She was in no shape to get back to work or to even help Sid on his project. She wanted no contact with him at the moment or maybe ever.

  She called Samar and, instead of asking, told him that she would be taking the week off. He tried to argue but Niki was firm. Then she made a quick call to Tanya to tell her she was back and would be out of the city on a project. Before she could ask for details, Niki promised that she would fill her in on all the details once she got back from her trip. She knew Tanya would not cross-check with Samar. The only unknown variable in the equation was Sid. The whole plan would unravel if Tanya met with or spoke to Sid. But, given the way they had parted, she was hoping that would not happen. From the way Sid had behaved after she had pushed him away, he was not going to actively seek out Tanya and, if it did happen, she would deal with it then. This was as far as she could think right now.

  She closed the door to her room, switched off her phone and got into bed. She couldn’t deal with the world right now. Sleep was her only solution. It had helped her after her parents’ demise and now she used it to heal her heart and mind.

  The week flew by in a haze. She was exhausted, not just physically but emotionally too. The tears still flowed relentlessly. This was what it felt like to have your heart broken, she surmised. For the first time in her life, she had made herself vulnerable to emotion, opened her heart to love and this was what she got. It hurt and Niki knew only one way to handle hurt – to shut down and block the world from reaching her.

  By the weekend, she knew she couldn’t hide any more. She had to prepare herself for getting back into the real world. So she went about cleaning her flat, changing sheets, sorting pending paperwork—anything that would distract her from the pain. She had still not switched her phone on and wondered if Sid had tried to get in touch with her at all. If he really wanted to, he knew where she lived but no one had come to her door. The tears came back unabated. She was still hurting.

  By Monday, Niki had schooled her emotions into some semblance of order. She was very fragile and well aware that she would have to be very careful that no one could get through her weak defences. Distance would have to be her saviour. How she would manage that, especially with Tanya, remained to be seen.

  Niki switched her phone on with trepi
dation on Monday morning. She delayed it for as long as she could, taking her time to get ready first. She looked gaunt. She used blusher to bring some colour to her cheeks but it looked blotchy. She washed her face and started again. She dressed to feel better, going for a bright red shirt with white linen pants. Then she reached for her phone.

  There were a few missed calls and messages but none of them were from Sid. Niki’s heart went cold. So this was how he wanted to deal with it. She was done crying over him. In fact, she was done with Sid. She walked out of the door of her flat for the first time in a week, determined not to let him get the better of her. C’est la guerre, she thought, and she intended to win.

  ‘Are you sure?’ Samar asked, his voice filled with concern.

  Niki had spent the morning going through a backlog of work and cataloguing what needed to be done in the short and medium term. She had thought hard and long about what she wanted to do about work during the past week. She knew the situation would be untenable with Sid. Writing her letter of resignation was the easiest thing to do. It was looking into the confused and somewhat betrayed eyes of Samar that was the real challenge.

  ‘Yes,’ she said without emotion.

  ‘You can talk to me, Niki… We can discuss this and find a solution that works for you,’ Samar persisted.

  ‘As I’ve told you, I have trained Purvi to take over the bulk of the work and will ensure that the handover is seamless. I will be available as a consultant for as long as you need me. The work will not suffer, Samar,’ Niki said, redirecting the conversation to reassure him that she was fine.

  ‘You know that’s not what I’m worried about. Is it Sid?’ His question was astute.

  ‘Yes and no,’ she replied honestly. Why hide the truth?

  Samar became protective. ‘You don’t have to worry about him. There is no need for you to work on his personal project. I will make sure that you don’t have any work-related interactions with him… Anyway, he left for the US on Tuesday last week. He won’t be back for six to eight weeks, he said, but you probably already know that…’

  She didn’t. Was that why he hadn’t come to see her? Calling and messaging was a different matter—they lived in a connected world. By creating geographical distance, Sid had made a very strong statement. He couldn’t get far away enough from her. Ouch! Niki bit back tears. This was not the man she had fallen in love with…

  ‘Thank you, Samar… but I’ve been thinking of changing my area of work for a while and this seems like the right opportunity to make the leap,’ she said.

  ‘Have you already started looking?’ he asked, as a friend not a boss.

  ‘Not actively,’ she replied.

  ‘Let me know if you need any help… I just want to be sure you are making a rational not an emotional decision, Niki. So, I am going to hold on to your resignation for a week. If you still feel the same way next Monday, I will not hold you back.’ Samar was gracious as always.

  Niki smiled gratefully. ‘I know my decision will not change, but thank you for your concern and consideration.’

  ‘Next week, Niki—this is your career.’ Samar was firm.

  ‘Okay,’ she said as she left his office and got back to work. Now that there was an end in sight, Niki worked with a mind-set of finishing things and tying up loose ends. The biggest loose end in her mind was Sid, but he had very conveniently removed himself from the picture. Niki resented the fact that he had fired the first salvo. It should have been her.

  Purvi was the epitome of decorum; she did not probe Niki like she usually did. It was as if she sensed that Niki needed the space. She did, however, make small gestures to show that she cared, like acting as a gatekeeper for those who tried to approach Niki with minor issues and generic questions. Niki was really grateful and showed her appreciation by squeezing her hand as they worked together. The moment she did so, she recalled a similar occasion with Sid when she had withdrawn her hand—it had been the beginning of the end. Would this be her life from now on? Where everything would be referenced to something she’d done with Sid? She could not allow it. She would not allow it.

  Tanya was another kettle of fish. She wouldn’t stop with the questions. Niki had come over directly after work and agreed to stay the night, much against her better judgement.

  ‘Tell me all…’ she had started.

  Niki prevaricated. ‘It was lovely. Goa is beautiful this time of year… I had the most wonderful birthday.’ It was the truth.

  ‘So where’s Sid?’ she asked.

  ‘I believe he’s gone to the US for six to eight weeks…’ she said, repeating what she had heard from Samar.

  ‘I believe? Is everything all right?’ Tanya was concerned.

  ‘Not quite, but I don’t want to talk about it right now, T.’ Niki couldn’t lie even if she wanted to.

  ‘Get it off your chest, Niki,’ Tanya insisted.

  ‘Not now.’ Niki wasn’t even sure where she would begin if she decided to tell Tanya. Sid was her friend and she didn’t want to muddy the water between them. She knew that if Tanya knew she would come at Sid with guns blazing. This was her personal battle. She would get through it on her own. It was just enough to know that Tanya was in her corner if she needed her.

  ‘If he hurt you… ‘Tanya’s voice rose with anger.

  ‘It’s not like that, T… It’s just complicated.’ She used Sid’s words and it rankled.

  ‘If it’s real, it doesn’t have to be, Niki…’ She spoke from experience.

  ‘I know; I see Tushar and you together and it looks really easy, but Sid…’ Niki felt herself wanting to confide in Tanya but held herself in check.

  ‘But Sid, what?’ she prompted.

  It was as if her question opened the floodgates within her. The old Niki would have restrained herself from saying anything more. She would have shut off her emotions and pushed her pain deep inside where she couldn’t feel it. Just like she had after her parents died. The words ‘I can look after myself’ no longer had the same meaning for her. Sid had changed her. Now it was as if she had no boundaries. She was exposed and vulnerable. She wanted to share her pain with Tanya.

  She started talking and couldn’t stop. She told Tanya how their relationship had evolved and what had happened in Kasol and Goa, leaving the seamier details to Tanya’s imagination. It felt so good to unburden her angst.

  ‘I would never have thought that Sid would encourage Gauri… especially after the way she treated him,’ Tanya commiserated.

  ‘Neither did I… but how much do we really know about their relationship? It’s obvious he still cares for her.’ Niki could only think the worst.

  ‘That’s probably not true. If he did, he would not have left for the US now…’ Tanya defended him to make Niki feel better. Her loyalties were unquestionable. She was on Niki’s side, no matter what.

  ‘I don’t know what to think any more,’ Niki said in exasperation. This post-mortem was exhausting because it missed one key element—Sid’s perspective. Without it, nothing made sense.

  ‘Just relax and let things be—everything will sort itself out,’ Tanya advised.

  It was hard to do.

  The following Monday, Niki confirmed her decision to resign. Samar wasn’t pleased and asked her again to reconsider, but she was determined. It was time for her to move on. She had put out feelers and had already received a couple of queries regarding her candidacy for other jobs. Niki took it as a sign.

  She continued to work at Knowledge Networks for the next month, ensuring she kept her word to Samar. He had been kind and generous as a boss, and even more supportive and protective as a friend. But she could not continue here, knowing that Sid would return and at some point she would have to face him at work. She was just not ready to do so. It was best for both of them if they stayed out of each other’s way.

  ‘How will I do this without you?’ Purvi expressed her frustration on Niki’s last day at work.

  ‘I have full faith in you… and if t
here’s anything you need help with I am at the other end of the phone,’ Niki reassured her.

  There were tears in Purvi’s eyes as she said, ‘I curse Sid—it’s all because of him, isn’t it?’

  She winced at the word ‘curse’, ‘No, Purvi—this would have happened sooner or later anyway. I was looking for a change.’

  ‘I am happy that you’ve got the opportunity with an international organisation—you will be doing God’s work.’ Purvi’s smile was weak.

  ‘Good work, meaningful work… I don’t know about God’s work… Basically, I wonder if it’s God’s work if you’re paid very well for it.’ She winked and smiled back.

  There was lightness in her step when she left work that day. This was her first concrete effort to let go of Sid. It felt surprisingly good.

  She walked to her motorcycle and thought she caught a glimpse of Venky, Sid’s driver. Her eyes automatically scanned for Sid’s car and found it—was he back? Her heart plummeted.

  Boy, was she glad she was out of here! This told her she was definitely not ready to face him with any sort of equanimity.

  She took a week off before she joined her new place of work. Her appetite had taken a beating and she was looking haunted. Even so, it was nice to be in a new environment and work in a different way. The issues were close to Niki’s heart and she was really excited to have the opportunity to work in a field where she could actually see the impact of what she was doing. This was physical reality and her work was hands-on. It was what she’d always wanted to do.

  Her colleagues were a committed group. In their company, Niki felt an elevation in her thinking from the corporate materialistic perspective to one that aimed to do the greatest good for the largest number of people. It wasn’t difficult to embed herself in her work and its newness helped her to relegate Sid to the back burner until she returned home in the evening each day. It was then that she had to face the sense of loss and loneliness she felt, always tempered with anger and disappointment that he wasn’t the man she’d thought him to be. Despite it all, she realised she still loved him and, having had the space to think, was willing to reconsider her decision to stay away from him. Her feelings were like four seasons in a day. She would start the day with hope and then have an emotional crash in the evening. Would she always feel this way? she wondered.