Lost Without You

by Rachael Johns

  ‘Ah, what a shame. Well, if you get bored and wanna go see a movie, give me a buzz.’

  ‘Okay. I will,’ Josie lied as she forced another smile and headed for the door, making a beeline for the staff car park.

  She sent a silent prayer of thanks skyward when she made it to her car without further interruption and had the keys turning in the ignition almost before she’d fastened her seatbelt. As she zoomed out of the car park and towards Gardeners Road, she listened to her favourite eighties playlist, but these days even Kylie, Madonna and INXS didn’t give her the feeling they once did.

  Finally, a good ten minutes from the school and still fifteen minutes or so from the airport, she pulled into a side street and parked. Grabbing her lighter and pack of smokes from her handbag, she jumped from the car and hurried round to the other side so the vehicle could shield her from traffic and possible sightings by students or someone who knew Nik. If it weren’t for him she’d smoke while driving, but he had a nose like a hound and would smell her sins the moment he got in the car.

  She puffed quickly through one cigarette and immediately lit another, knowing that her husband’s arrival home would mean she’d have to quit smoking again. Damn him! Nik had never so much as had a puff of a smoke in his life, whereas most of her twenties, due to her working and living in the West End of London, she’d been a pack a day kind of girl. She’d cleaned up her act when she moved back to Perth to ‘settle down’ and ‘get a real job’, but when her mother died, she’d turned to drinking and smoking for relief.

  Who knew what would have become of her if Nik hadn’t come along and dragged her out of the metaphorical gutter? He was like no one she’d ever met before—part geek, part surfer—so different to her previous boyfriends, most of whom had been actors like her and more in love with themselves than anyone else. In Nik she’d found a shared passion for film, someone to make her laugh and someone she could have intellectual conversations with. Until she’d met him she hadn’t thought aeroplanes sexy at all, but Nik talking about aviation mechanics and engineering was a surprising aphrodisiac. His love had brought her alive again.

  If Nik knew she was smoking now, he’d be so disappointed and likely quote some statistic about nicotine being bad for fertility. Well, duh, nicotine wasn’t good for anything but it wasn’t like she could do any worse in that department.

  Josie was tempted to light up a third but she’d be late meeting his plane. With great reluctance, she climbed back into the car, buried her cigarettes right at the bottom of her handbag, popped half a packet of chewing gum into her mouth and squeezed sanitiser all over her hands.

  As she drove closer to the international airport, she thought about the last time she’d been picking Nik up from a work trip. Almost two years ago, only that time he’d been coming home from Sydney and she’d been waiting at Perth airport. How different life had been then—stretched before them like a blank canvas waiting for them to smother it with bright colours depicting their happy life.

  She’d fallen into his arms as he appeared in the throng of passengers and they’d stood there, lip-locked, uncaring that they were publicly displaying affection and possibly holding up the traffic in the process. Hands in each other’s pockets like the smug-in-love couple they were, they’d walked to the baggage carousel together and he’d been hyped about showing her something he’d found in Sydney.

  ‘What is it?’ she’d begged him to tell her as they’d watched the suitcases going round and round. ‘Is it something to do with the baby?’

  They’d shared a knowing secret look as he’d put his hand on her still-flat belly. Just before he’d flown to Sydney for work, they’d had the biggest surprise of their lives—she was pregnant! Once they’d recovered from the shock, they were both beside themselves with excitement. They’d only been going out a few months, but had been unofficially living together most of that time. When you knew, you knew, right? And Josie had known almost from the moment she’d laid eyes on Nik that he was The One. He’d felt the same; there was only one problem—he was engaged to his high school sweetheart at the time.

  Breaking up with his fiancée had created a bit of a family rift—his mother, Vesna, who was originally from Macedonia and held very traditional values, was horrified—but they’d been hoping the baby would smooth things over.

  ‘I’ll show you when we get home,’ he’d said as he’d lifted his hand off her belly, plopped a kiss on the end of her nose and drew her even closer against his hot, sexy body.

  Patience wasn’t her virtue, but Nik distracted her with more kisses and as she drove back to her place, he kept one hand on her knee as he raved about his time in Sydney.

  ‘It sounds like you’d like to move there,’ she’d said as they walked up the garden path to the little unit she rented in Maylands.

  ‘Actually … the airline has offered me a transfer. It’s a promotion, the money’s good and I’d like to take it.’

  ‘Oh.’ Her chest tightened as if she were having a heart attack. ‘I see. Congratulations.’ She’d tried to sound happy for him when all she could think was Where does that leave me? Us? The baby? I have a job in Perth!

  She’d fumbled with her key, trying but failing to get it in the front door lock. As if oblivious to her torment, Nik had placed his hand over hers, turned the key and pushed open the door.

  ‘Thanks,’ he’d said, his joy evident in his tone.

  She’d walked inside almost on autopilot and he’d carried the suitcase into the lounge room. ‘Are you going to come see what I got you in Sydney?’

  She’d blinked, having almost forgotten he had something to show her. ‘Oh, right, sure, coming!’ she’d called, before taking a moment to compose herself. Maybe this wasn’t the disaster she thought it to be. Maybe she could go with him? And if not, plenty of people survived long-distance relationships and maybe the job was only temporary.

  But, as she’d joined him in the lounge room, she’d gasped.

  Standing in front of her wearing a grin almost too big for his face was Nik and he was holding up a wedding dress.

  ‘What is that?’

  He’d chuckled. ‘I thought that was pretty obvious. I found it in an op shop.’

  Is he a cross-dresser? had been the first ridiculous thought that entered her head.

  ‘Do you like it?’

  And that was a stupid question because on closer perusal she’d realised that not only was it a wedding dress but an eighties one with puffy sleeves, pearls, lace, a bow and a train that took up half the room, and didn’t she love everything eighties? ‘It’s gorgeous, but why did you buy it?’

  ‘I was walking past the shop and it was in the window. When I saw it, I thought of you. And I know it’s not usual for a guy to buy his girl a wedding dress, and you’d probably want to choose your actual dress yourself, but …’ He shook his head as if he was at a loss for words. ‘I thought this would be a fun way to say—’

  Gobsmacked, flabbergasted, she’d interrupted. ‘Are you trying to propose to me?’

  ‘Yes. I’m doing a shit job of it, aren’t I?’

  ‘Oh my God!’ Both her hands rushed to cover her mouth as goosebumps spread across her skin. ‘Are you serious?’

  ‘Yes.’ He’d blinked as if close to tears. ‘So … will you marry me?’

  YES, shouted an excited voice inside her head. If she’d met him in Vegas she’d have married him that very first night, but there were two other pesky thoughts stopping her from shrieking this reply.

  ‘Is this because …’ She’d put both her hands on her stomach. ‘Because of the baby?’

  ‘No. Baby or no baby, I want to spend the rest of my life with you.’

  Her heart squeezed at his sweet words—Josie had dreamed of getting married as a little girl, but the older she’d got, the less she’d believed in the fairytale/fantasy of meeting Prince Charming and living happily ever after. She’d thought she’d found The One on the set of Camelot The Panto but Cameron, who’d played
the lead and whom she’d dated for almost two years, had freaked out and split when she’d broached the topic of starting a family. Devastated, she’d come back to Australia, changed careers and thrown herself into the snake pit that was online dating, hoping to meet an entirely different kind of man. Alas, the results were dismal and she’d all but given up hope.

  Yet, with that beautiful dress on the couch and the beautiful man standing beside her, she’d found herself starting to believe again.

  ‘Are you sure? I mean … um …’ She didn’t want to remind him that he’d been engaged to someone else until only a few months ago but he guessed what she was thinking.

  ‘Jose,’ he’d said, laying the gorgeous gown down on the sofa, closing the gap between them and taking her hands in his. ‘I love you. I’ve never been more certain of anything in my life. My engagement to Danica should never have happened—we were only ever good friends, pushed together by our family. I didn’t realise how wrong we were until I met you and it felt so right.’

  Her tear ducts had opened at his words, at the absolute certainty in his tone.

  ‘So?’ he’d prompted as tears streamed down her cheeks. ‘What’s your answer? Please tell me those are happy tears?’

  ‘Yes, of course!’ And then they’d kissed and laughed and cried and made love, after which she’d tried on the wedding dress. And oh my how much she’d loved it.

  ‘It fits perfectly,’ she’d exclaimed, smoothing her hands down over the shiny white satin.

  ‘Now,’ Nik had replied, ‘but—and don’t take this the wrong way—you’re going to gain a few kilos over the next few months.’

  ‘Then we should get married as soon as possible,’ she’d said, twirling round and round, feeling like an absolute princess. She never wanted to take the dress off.

  ‘That suits me, but isn’t there some tradition about grooms not seeing the bride’s dress before the big day? And I kinda thought you’d want to choose your own dress.’

  ‘I don’t care about tradition, I’ve never been superstitious and I think it’ll be extra special walking down the aisle to you in a dress you chose because you knew me so well.’

  ‘Okay.’ He’d laughed. ‘So, does this mean we’re going to have an eighties-themed wedding to match the dress?’

  ‘This is me you’re talking to. Were we ever going to have anything else? And it’ll be perfect, because after all, if I wasn’t singing Belinda Carlisle in that bar the night of your friend’s bucks’ night, we might never have met!’

  ‘Well, your car still might have broken down and I might still have been driving along at just the right moment …’

  ‘True—because you and me. It was fate.’

  ‘Still, will you sing for me at our wedding?’

  She’d winked. ‘If you’re lucky.’

  ‘Oh, babe, I consider myself very, very lucky.’ Then, he’d kissed her again and they’d had a dress rehearsal for their wedding night with Nik slowly undoing the hundreds of buttons at her back. The knowledge that she was about to receive another mind-blowing orgasm was the only reason she agreed to take it off.

  That day should have been the beginning of their happy ever after, but so much had changed since that wonderful afternoon that now when Josie thought of it, her heart felt like lead.

  A horn blasted behind her and she looked up to realise she’d come to a stop in front of the ticket machine at the airport. Swallowing the urge to give the car behind her the middle finger, she pushed the button for a ticket. The boom gate lifted and she shot into the car park, taking the first available spot she found.

  Josie entered the arrivals hall at the exact moment ‘landed’ flashed up on the information board beside Nik’s flight. Her stomach rolled. She couldn’t work out whether the butterflies were down to nerves or excitement at the prospect of seeing him after so long. Although she desperately wanted to be able to talk to Nik about her sadness, it made him uncomfortable. The few times she tried to talk about their babies, he got frustrated with her and they usually ended up fighting.

  She didn’t know if she could handle that anymore. But what was the alternative? Perhaps she could turn, run back to the car and flee her life. Nik would probably be better off without her because he could find someone else, someone who not only managed to get pregnant but to actually hold onto the baby. Someone like his exfiancée who had met a new man not long after Nik dumped her and had just announced the birth of twin boys on Facebook. Was that karma? Were Josie’s miscarriages her punishment for stealing Nik off Danica? Although she didn’t believe in such things, a knot tightened in her stomach at the thought. Had Nik seen that announcement too? Would he be able to help comparing her to his fertile, earth mother ex?

  Josie had only stumbled across the post yesterday morning thanks to a friend she and Danica had in common. Mutual friends was the term Facebook used, as if they shared the person like you might share a mug in an office or a book. The moment she’d seen it she wished she could un-see it; it had been as if a fist had shot out of her phone screen and punched her in the gut. So strong was her reaction that she’d actually physically thrown up, cursing Mark Zuckerberg as she did so.

  ‘Grandpa!’ A shriek from a little boy beside her had Josie looking up to see people starting to emerge into the waiting crowd.

  As the door slid open each time, she held her breath for Nik to appear. She watched some film-worthy reunions between lovers young and old, and then finally he did. Their eyes met across the distance, his face birthed a massive grin and he waved as he swaggered towards her, a scruffy Quiksilver backpack hitched to his shoulder as if he’d come from a surfing trip, not a business one. For a brief second she felt a bolt of attraction rush through her body, awakening something inside her that had been dormant for months.

  But then he got close enough that she could see right into his eyes and there it was. That look. That disappointment. As if she’d only just told him about a miscarriage.

  ‘Man, I’ve missed you.’ He pulled her into his arms and pressed his lips hard against hers.

  She tried to relax into him, to kiss him back—maybe if she pretended everything was okay between them, she might actually start feeling and believing it.

  ‘It’s good to have you home,’ she said when he finally pulled back.

  ‘Japan’s great, but I’m so glad to be back.’

  She forced a smile. ‘I can’t wait to hear all about it.’

  And, as they walked towards the car park, tell her about it he did. He held her hand with his free one and talked without a break as if he was scared to stop and risk silence between them. He only paused while she paid for the parking ticket.

  ‘You glad it’s school holidays?’

  ‘Yep—so ready for a break.’ That was what all teachers said, wasn’t it?

  ‘You tired?’ he asked as they reached the car.

  She pressed the button to pop the boot. ‘Not really.’ Another lie; fatigue was something that plagued her constantly now. It was almost worse than when she was actually pregnant. ‘Why?’

  ‘I was thinking we could go out for dinner to celebrate me being home and your holidays. Or, better still we could go bowling?’ He winked. ‘For old times’ sake.’

  She drafted a mental list of pros and cons—bowling versus dinner out. At least with the former the actual activity would give them something to talk about. ‘Okay, that sounds like fun.’

  ‘Awesome. It’s a date!’ He slammed the boot and they both got into the car. He was acting over-the-top chirpy, obviously trying very hard to make things good, but every little thing he did irritated her.

  ‘I tried to tag you on Facebook in a “coming home from Narita” post but I couldn’t find your profile,’ Nik said as she navigated out of the airport. ‘Have you unfriended me?’

  ‘No. I deactivated my account. Facebook was giving me the shits.’ Or rather all those announcements of pregnancies and adverts in her sidebar spruiking maternity gear and baby paraphernalia were.


  ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’

  ‘I only did it last night. It’s no big deal.’

  ‘Alright. Well, as long as you’re okay.’

  Her hands tightened on the steering wheel. Okay?

  No, she was not bloody okay, no matter how much it would be better for him if she was. Not wanting to fight when he’d barely been home five minutes, she bit down on the caustic retort and turned the stereo up instead.

  Nik got out his phone. ‘I’ll book us in for bowling. Six o’clock not too early?’

  ‘No, that’s perfect.’ The sooner they got it over with the sooner they could slink back home to bed. Of course, that meant she’d probably have to put out—your husband went away for a month and sex was kind of expected on his return. Once upon a time, she’d have been tearing his clothes off the moment they walked in the door (or maybe not even making it that far) and it wasn’t that she no longer found him attractive (she wasn’t dead) but after so long with sex being for the purpose of procreating, it was now difficult to associate it with anything but.

  And if Josie were honest with herself, she was scared. Terrified that maybe she would get pregnant again—conceiving didn’t seem to be her problem—and have to go through yet another heartbreaking loss.

  She didn’t know whether she or their marriage could survive that.

  The thought had tears pooling at the corner of her eyes but she blinked them back and thought of the wine she’d be able to drink at the bowling alley.

  Rebecca

  ‘There you are, dear.’ The nurse who’d set Rebecca up on the dialysis machine patted her arm and smiled down at her as if she were a two-year-old child. ‘Relax and read your book or something, I’ll be back soon, but buzz me if you need me.’

  It was like a revolving door of nurses around here and there were only a couple Rebecca actually liked—a young guy called Nate and the first nurse she’d met, Clara—but maybe that was more a reflection on her current mood than on them.