Lost Without You

by Rachael Johns

  It was also part of the reason she’d taken charge of calling the funeral director, but that break hadn’t been long enough.

  ‘Rebecca is Josie’s biological mother?’ Clara confirmed.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Wow.’ Siobhan let out a long slow breath. ‘And how’d she take it?’

  ‘She was a mess. More so even than Josie or Brenda but everyone reacts differently. They’re probably still in shock and I think Rebecca’s harbouring a lot of guilt. It was weird, actually. Until now, I’ve hated her almost as much as I hated Rob for ruining my life, but she hugged me and I let her. Suddenly I couldn’t help feeling devastated for her as well. I can’t imagine how I’d feel if I found out our parents had done something to me like hers did to her and Rob. I don’t condone or agree with how she handled the secret, but I can finally see she’s not a bad person.’

  ‘That’s because you, my dear, are a very good person.’

  Clara shrugged; she wasn’t sure about that at all right now. No matter she didn’t hate Rebecca, she still found herself coveting her daughter. She couldn’t help feeling good that Josie had connected with her more than she had her biological mother. What kind of person did that make her?

  A squeal sounded from the direction of the theatre room. Siobhan let out an exasperated sigh and stood. ‘I’ll be right back,’ she said and rushed from the room.

  ‘Sorry about that,’ she said when she returned a few moments later. ‘Disaster struck. The wi-fi died for a moment but it’s all fixed again now.’

  ‘That’s okay.’ Clara put her glass down on the coffee table—no longer in such dire need of alcohol. ‘I should probably be getting back to Josie and Brenda anyway.’

  ‘Oh.’ Siobhan blinked. ‘I know this is very uncaring of me when you’re so upset about Robert, but you’re not going to leave me hanging about you and Gregg, are you? I thought he was perfect for you.’

  Clara couldn’t help the laugh that burst from her mouth. God, she loved her sister. The Gregg break-up now felt like only a tiny bump in the road, but telling Siobhan would give her a few minutes reprieve from her other emotions—maybe that was her sister’s cunning plan—and it would also delay her return to Josie and Brenda just a little longer. She leaned back into the couch and began with the cruise ship fiasco.

  ‘The poor man!’ Siobhan exclaimed when Clara told her how she’d ended up missing his comic debut because she was chasing a Rob look-alike.

  She agreed, that was a terribly unfortunate situation, but it was his ultimatum that had truly ended it all. There’d been a lot of drama over the past week, so perhaps she simply hadn’t had time to miss him but the sad truth was she missed Shadow more than she did Gregg. They had jumped into a full-on relationship pretty fast and Clara now had to wonder if the biggest appeal about Gregg was that because he was so different to Rob he came across as better for her than he actually was.

  Siobhan shook her head. ‘An ultimatum never ends well, and however much I might agree with Gregg that you need to put yourself first, an ultimatum is never fair either. And a man that gives you one isn’t right for you. I think you made the right decision. There’ll be other blokes.’

  ‘Maybe.’ But right now her love-life was the last thing on her mind.

  ‘So what happens now?’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Well, a lot of things have changed in your life lately—the house is sold, Rob is gone, you’ve stopped volunteering, things may not have worked out between you and Gregg but you’ve made a lot of progress in reclaiming your life. So what’s the next step?’

  ‘I’m not sure. I might need to sleep on your couch for a few weeks while I work that out.’

  Siobhan smiled. ‘Don’t be silly. You can have the guest room for as long as you need.’

  ‘Thanks. And after that, maybe I’ll go overseas after all. Or maybe I’ll buy a caravan and travel around Australia. Or maybe I’ll just buy a cat and a smaller place to live and take each day one step at a time. Right now, the most important thing is helping Brenda organise Robert’s funeral and supporting her and Josie through this nightmare.’

  Siobhan rolled her eyes. ‘You can’t help yourself, can you?’

  Clara shook her head. ‘No, but whatever Rob was, he was also my husband and Brenda was my mother-in-law. I couldn’t save him, but I can sure as hell make sure I don’t abandon his mother and daughter in their hour of need.’

  Paige

  When her dad phoned to tell her about the discovery of Robbie’s body, Paige’s first instinct had been to board the first flight back to Australia, but Solomon had convinced her to at least enjoy a few days of their honeymoon first. After a phone call with Josie who’d assured her there was nothing she could do anyway, the few days extended to almost two weeks. Due to the nature of Robbie’s death, the coroner had held onto the body for ten days and Paige and Sol landed back in Sydney the day before the funeral.

  They got a taxi straight from the airport to Josie’s house.

  ‘She might not be there,’ Sol said with a yawn. ‘She might be at her grandmother’s place sorting any last-minute details for the funeral.’

  ‘Then I’ll call her,’ Paige said, ‘but it’s on our way home anyway.’

  Sol raised an eyebrow—Josie and Nik’s place wasn’t exactly on their way—but it was worth the detour as they found Josie at home.

  Nik answered their call through the intercom. ‘It’s the newlyweds,’ he called as the door clicked open. He met them in the communal entrance seconds later and gave them both massive hugs. ‘Congratulations, you sly dogs, you.’

  ‘Oh my God,’ Josie squealed as she pushed past her husband to get to them. ‘What are you guys doing here?’

  The smile on her face relaxed Paige’s heart—she didn’t look too bad for someone who had just lost their father.

  ‘Well,’ Paige said, ‘quite aside from the fact we’ve gambled away our meagre life savings and spent the rest on flights, food and accommodation, I wanted to be here for you, for tomorrow.’

  ‘Thank you.’ Josie pulled her into a tight hug.

  ‘You look like you need a coffee,’ Nik said, and Paige knew that comment was directed at Sol.

  ‘Yes, come in, come in,’ Josie agreed, ‘you can tell us all about your nuptials.’

  ‘So you’re not angry we got married without you?’ Paige asked.

  Josie shook her head. ‘I’ve got too much else in my head to be angry, besides, as I’ve always said, your wedding should be about the two of you, so it’s your prerogative to get married however the hell you want.’

  ‘Let’s hope our parents see it your way.’

  Nik and Josie laughed. ‘You haven’t seen them yet?’ he asked.

  ‘You’re first on our agenda,’ Sol said, stifling another yawn and gesturing to their three suitcases—one of which carried the dress—behind them on the floor.

  Nik helped Sol drag them into the apartment while Paige and Josie went through to the kitchen.

  ‘How are you?’ Paige asked as she sat herself down at the breakfast counter. ‘I was so sorry to hear about Robbie. You must be devastated.’

  Josie grabbed a handful of coffee pods from a little basket on her bench. ‘Thanks,’ she said as she started making the drinks. ‘I’m doing okay. It was a shock—I so hoped we’d find him—but it’s also really weird, being so involved in something so big yet also feeling on the outer. I went with Clara and Brenda to talk to the funeral director but it all feels a bit surreal.’

  ‘I can imagine.’

  ‘Like, I’m sad, really sad—for Brenda, for Clara and also for Robbie himself. I’m heartbroken he wanted to meet me and that never happened, but I’m more upset by the whole situation than I am bereaved. I feel more than I would have had I just heard someone I know talking about someone they know, yet that’s really all this is. It’s hard to mourn someone you never really knew.’ Josie shook her head. ‘I’m probably not making much sense.’

&nbs
p; ‘No, you are. Perfect sense.’

  ‘Keeping busy helps. Looking after Brenda and getting to know her, helping her and Clara organise the funeral, it all helps, but seeing you is such a wonderful reprieve from all of it. Thank you so much for coming back.’

  Paige beamed at Josie’s words as Sol and Nik came into the kitchen.

  ‘Here you are.’ Josie handed him the first cup.

  ‘Thanks.’ He took a long sip as if it were the elixir of life.

  When Josie finished the other coffees, Nik and Sol took theirs into the lounge room. Paige and Josie meant to do the same but they got talking again before they made it out of the kitchen.

  ‘Tell me about the wedding,’ Josie said, leaning back against the bench and then taking a sip of her drink. ‘How’d you manage to organise flights and everything so quickly?’

  ‘Solomon did pretty much everything. He’s amazing.’

  Josie grinned. ‘Well, you’ve certainly got that post-honeymoon glow. And I see you did end up wearing the dress. Don’t tell me you got married by an Elvis Impersonator?’

  ‘No.’ Paige laughed. ‘We contemplated that for all of five seconds and then decided it was too tacky. We ended up choosing a really cute little chapel and a gay guy that I kid you not looked like Franck from Father of the Bride did the deed.’

  ‘Oh my God, I loved him. And that’s one of my favourite movies.’

  ‘Are any movies not your favourite movies?’

  ‘Well, I didn’t love the sequel. In fact, I’m sure you’ll agree, most sequels are crap.’

  Paige nodded. ‘Speaking of the dress, I’ll get it dry-cleaned and then give it back to you. I promise I took good care of it and there’s not a stain or anything on it, but it has been stuffed in a suitcase twice for almost twenty-four hours, so—’

  ‘About the dress,’ Josie interrupted. ‘How would you feel if I donated it to a charity?’

  The question took Paige by surprise—Josie had been so adamant about keeping it. ‘What charity?’

  ‘Clara told me about a charity that takes old wedding dresses and makes them into beautiful gowns for stillborn babies. Nothing can bring such a baby back, but having lost three children in gestation myself, I know that grief, I know that heartache, and I like the idea that maybe instead of sitting in a cupboard for moths to feed on, our dress could honour the lives of a few little ones that were taken far too soon.’

  ‘It’s your dress,’ Paige said, struggling to speak past the tears that had come at Josie’s words. ‘But I think that’s a wonderful idea.’

  When the coffee cups were drained, Paige glanced at the time on her phone. ‘I suppose I better get Sol home to bed, but is there anything I can do to help for tomorrow? Do you need me to bake something for the wake?’

  ‘Thanks, but I think we’re covered. Clara’s sisters have taken it upon themselves to do the catering and I reckon there’ll be more food than people.’

  At this sad admission, Paige took her sister’s hand and gave it a little squeeze.

  ‘Thanks,’ Josie whispered with a soulful smile. ‘How’s your mum doing?’

  Paige was about to say ‘our mother’ but she knew Josie didn’t yet see her that way and she didn’t want to upset her or push the friendship.

  ‘I’m going to see her now,’ she said instead.

  Josie nodded and then she scooped up both their empty cups and took them to the sink. They found Sol asleep on the sofa in the lounge room.

  Nik looked up when they entered and chuckled. ‘You must have really worn him out on that honeymoon.’

  Paige poked out her tongue at him. She realised as Josie was her sister that made Nik her brother-in-law and she loved the idea that one day her kids would have him as a fun uncle. He’d probably give them bowling balls for their first birthdays.

  ‘Do you mind if I leave him here for a couple of hours while I go visit my folks?’

  ‘Of course not,’ Josie said.

  ‘I’d suggest moving him to the spare room, but even if I could carry him, Jose’s dad is arriving in a few hours, so he’ll need it.’

  For a second Paige was confused and then realised Nik was referring to Josie’s adoptive father. He must have decided to come all this way for the funeral. ‘Thanks.’ She hitched her bag to her shoulder. ‘I’ll just call an Uber.’

  ‘Don’t be silly, take my car,’ Josie said. ‘I’ll grab my keys.’

  ‘You okay to drive?’ Nik asked when she returned. ‘I could drive you if not?’

  ‘Nah, I’m fine. But thanks.’ She took the keys and smiled at the two of them. ‘I’ll try not to be long and I can’t wait to meet your dad.’

  Sol didn’t even stir as the three of them spoke beside him and as Paige drove to her parents’ place, she started to feel weary as well. But this conversation was too important to put off. Also, it needed to be had before the funeral—she didn’t want the first time she saw her parents after her wedding to be the day they were burying Robbie.

  She parked her car outside and for the first time in her life felt jittery as she approached the front door. Should she just go in? Or should she knock? Although she’d spoken to her dad on the phone, their brief conversations had been about Josie and Robbie and about whether she should come home; apart from a quick congratulations, he’d barely acknowledged the wedding. And this was about more than her eloping.

  With a deep breath, she visualised putting on her big girl undies, dug her key out of her bag and then let herself into the house.

  ‘Mum? Dad?’ Her voice echoed in the almost eerie silence. Had her parents gone out for dinner? She hadn’t told them she and Sol would be coming back for the funeral—as far as her dad knew they were still in America.

  Within seconds, Molly’s head—followed rapidly by her body—appeared from the lounge room and Paige was accosted by excited paws. ‘Geez, Mol,’ she said, as she gave her cuddles and tried to avoid a slobbery kiss, ‘you need a new brand of toothpaste.’

  Of course the dog didn’t reply, but Paige looked up as a shadow fell over her to see her mother coming the same way Molly had.

  ‘Sweetheart!’

  ‘Hi, Mum.’ Paige tried to hide her shock at how harrowed her mother looked. Not just tired but seriously ill—her eyes were so bloodshot it looked like she was wearing fancy dress Halloween contact lenses and she was thinner than she had been in a long while. The knowledge she was responsible for at least some of her mother’s anguish made her want to burst into tears. ‘Where’s Dad?’

  ‘He’s gone to get takeaway for dinner. Neither of us were in the mood for cooking. Congratulations to you and Sol,’ her mum said, nodding towards Paige’s left hand. ‘Can I see your ring?’

  The question was asked tentatively as if she fully expected Paige to refuse, which wasn’t surprising considering the childish and slightly crazed way she’d reacted over this whole adoption surprise. Shame and self-loathing washed over her.

  ‘Yes. Of course.’ Paige straightened and, ignoring Molly’s whiny protests that she’d stopped stroking her, held out her hand to her mother.

  ‘It’s beautiful.’ She sounded all choked up. ‘And you made such a lovely bride.’

  ‘I’m so sorry, Mum.’ Suddenly Paige couldn’t believe she’d gone through the most important day of her life without the most important woman in her life beside her. ‘I just …’

  But, she shook her head as tears threatened.

  There was no acceptable explanation. She’d let her raging fury guide her, she’d let her anger take precedence over everything else that mattered. One thing like this—even though it was a big one—should not wipe out all the years and wonderful ways her mother had supported her. When many parents would have been telling her she was insane for wanting to pursue a career as an artist and steering her towards a degree in law or medicine or something, her mum was buying her paints and easels and taking her to art galleries. She’d always been there for Paige—at one stage she’d even coached Paige’s netba
ll team and everyone knew she hated any form of team sport. She’d been a crap coach, but in lieu of anyone else, she’d tried.

  Only months ago, Paige had been devastated by her mum’s kidney failure diagnosis. The thought of losing her had been both terrifying and impossible to comprehend, yet she’d let something cause a rift between them by choice. Sol had been right—she’d made it all about her.

  How could she have been so stupid? And how could she ever make it up?

  As tears flowed down her cheeks, her mother closed the gap between them and drew Paige into her arms. ‘It’s alright, sweetheart. I understand. The important thing is that you and Solomon are together.’

  Her gentle reassurance only made Paige wail harder.

  Rebecca held her, making soothing noises and stroking her hair as she’d done when she was little, until her sobs finally subsided. Then, ‘Let’s go have a cup of tea,’ she suggested. ‘Dad will be home soon and I’m sure he’ll have brought enough for an army. Would you like to stay for dinner? Where’s Sol?’

  Rebecca was acting like everything was normal but Paige couldn’t let her go on without addressing their fallout. ‘Will you ever forgive me for getting married without you?’

  Her mum cocked her head to one side and hit her with a question of her own. ‘Will you ever forgive me for keeping Josie a secret all these years?’

  ‘I already have,’ she said, and realised it was true. ‘I overreacted and I’m sorry.’

  ‘I don’t think you overreacted at all. You were hurt, shocked, I get that. I would have been fuming if your father had kept such a secret from me and I wish more than anything now that I’d played my cards differently. I’m glad you and Josie are getting to know each other and, I hope in time, maybe I will too.’

  Paige gave her mum another hug. She’d love the three of them to be able to hang out, go to the movies, shop or chat over coffee like normal mothers and daughters do, but she had a feeling it might be a long while—if ever—before that happened. ‘I hope so too,’ she said and then changed the subject. ‘How are you and Dad, now?’