by Lois Richer
“So why does that make you cry?” He didn’t get it.
“Because I’ve finally achieved the goal I set myself way back when Jessica died, the one I started when you agreed to tutor me in high school. I’ve been able to truly help a child and it feels wonderful.” She started crying all over again, and there was nothing Zac could do but wrap his arms around her and hold her while she soaked his shoulder.
Tenderness crept through him. This precious woman had carried such a heavy load for so long. He thought of the long nights she must have spent when Cory was a baby, teething, sick, tummy upsets. He remembered Cory had mentioned falling and breaking an arm when he was in kindergarten. How frightened Brianna must have been. Who had she called to share her fear? Who had she leaned on when he began getting in trouble?
He knew the answer. Tall, vivacious, strong Brianna—she would have hidden the weak moments and pretended she was in control.
“It’s okay,” Zac whispered, his breath moving the short wispy strands on the top of her head. “You’re not alone anymore.”
She stilled. The muscles in Zac’s arms protested as she edged away from him to stand separate.
“Aren’t I?” she asked in a voice so soft he almost didn’t hear.
Those hazel eyes studied him with an intensity that made him nervous. There was that hint of something painful in the look she laid on him. And then it was gone. The old Brianna was back in charge.
“What happened with Cory this afternoon?”
“I read him the riot act. Then I gave him a job he’ll have to do until Christmas break. He reports to me.” Zac shoved his useless hands in his pockets and shrugged. “I hoped I made him face a few hard truths.” He frowned at her. “Why didn’t you ask him?”
“I did.” Brianna arched one eyebrow. “All my son would tell me is that the two of you talked, he’s being punished and you are both going to a male Bible study on Wednesday evenings.”
“Oh, yes. I forgot to tell you about that. Cory has a lot of questions.” Zac felt his face heat up remembering Cory’s very personal question about Zac’s faith journey. “His faith questions are bigger than I can deal with. Besides, his two buddies have agreed to come along.”
“To a Bible study?”
“I guess they want answers, too.” Zac gave her a wry look. “One thing I’ve learned in working with students is that when you don’t have the answers, you go somewhere you can find them. So we’ll go to a Bible study about Peter, the disciple who was a bit of a misfit.” Zac tried to look as if the prospect of studying the subject with Cory didn’t scare him silly.
“Does Cory feel like he’s a misfit?” The diffident way Brianna asked showed her insecurity.
“Yes.” Zac watched her wince. “I think that’s part of the reason he’s angry at you for not coming to Hope earlier. He thinks that if he’d grown up here, he would have fit in with the other kids. You have to talk to him, Brianna. Explain at least some of your decisions. Otherwise his mind will make up what he doesn’t know.”
“I’ll do it tonight.”
“Good. Would you like me to be there?” he asked.
“You? Why?” Her eyes opened wide.
“In case you need help. Or something.” It sounded lame, even to Zac. But to his surprise, Brianna nodded.
“Actually I’d really like it if you were there. Lately Cory and I seem to butt heads on everything. Maybe if you were there to act as a buffer, he’d be more open.” She smiled, a genuine smile that lit up her green-brown eyes and stretched her mouth wide. “Thank you, Zac.”
“No problem. Let me lock up, then I’ll give you a ride. Your car is still on the fritz, isn’t it?”
“Yes.” Brianna sighed. “And apparently not worth repairing. Just another expense I’ve got to figure out. I’ll wait for you outside. I could use a bit of fresh air before, well—” She made a face. “You know.”
“Be positive.” As Zac hurried to notify the caretaker that he was leaving, he realized he was looking forward to facing Cory’s issues head-on. Maybe with Brianna’s help, they could explain the past to the boy, and maybe, just maybe, Zac would find out exactly what had derailed their wedding without having to question Brianna. He didn’t want to hurt her by dredging up the past, but he did want to know the truth.
For years Zac had rationalized that their breakup was God’s way of preventing him from making the biggest mistake of his life because God knew he wasn’t the right husband for Brianna. Brianna was bold, vivacious and outgoing. He was the exact opposite, and if they’d married, he knew he would have held her back. Brianna was a people person and though Zac wanted to be, though he’d tried to be for her sake, he knew that she’d have stifled her outgoing take-charge attitude, would have held back from taking the limelight in order to save him from exposure to the public focus he hated.
He wasn’t the man for her.
But that didn’t mean he didn’t still care about her. That’s why he couldn’t stand by and watch another student, especially Brianna’s son, fail. The graffiti, Cory’s latest self-destructive behavior, had forced Zac out of his comfort zone and into a Bible study in order to reach the troubled youth.
And all those silly yearnings for Brianna that haunted him would have to be quashed while Zac tried to help her son.
* * *
Brianna held her mug of peppermint tea against her cheek and breathed a prayer for help as her son flopped on the sofa.
“This looks a lot like some television intervention,” Cory mumbled as he looked from her to Zac. “What’s going on?”
“I’m worried about you, son. You have only till Christmas, just a few months until the judge in Chicago reviews your case. I’m afraid he won’t like what he sees. Vandalism?” Brianna glanced at Zac, hoping she was saying the right thing. “What’s wrong, Cory? And please tell me the truth.”
“You want the truth?” Cory’s face turned red. His eyes narrowed and his hands clenched against the sofa cushions. “Okay. The truth is that I had grandparents and you never told me. I should have known.”
Brianna was about to defend herself when she saw Zac shake his head. She inhaled and focused on Cory, waiting for him to let out all his resentment and bitterness. He blamed her for the rift with her mother and laid the blame for the breakup with Zac squarely at her feet. The pain of his words bit deeply, but Brianna refused to give way to it. The wound had to be cleansed before it would heal.
When Cory finally fell silent, Brianna wasn’t sure how or where to start. But Zac did it for her.
“Is that all of it?” he asked in a stern tone. “Have you finished dumping all your misery on your mother now?”
“For the moment.” Cory’s lips pinched tight in fury.
“Good. Then you can listen for a while.” Zac leaned forward so his face was only inches from Cory’s. “What happened between your mother and me ten years ago is none of your business.”
“But—”
“You had your say. Now you listen.” Zac waited for the boy’s reluctant nod. “Yes, we got engaged in college. Yes, we planned to marry. We didn’t. It doesn’t matter to you what happened. That’s our business. Maybe one day your mother will tell you. Maybe she won’t. That’s up to her. All you need to know is that she had her reasons for leaving Hope.”
“But why not come back?” Cory asked, his voice modulated, pleading as he stared at her. “Did Dad know you had parents here?”
“Your dad knew all about me when we married. Everything. I never lied to him or kept secrets from him.” But he did from me.
Brianna opened her mouth, then saw Zac frown. She knew he was right. This wasn’t the time for that truth. But it was time for another. She had to broach the crux of Cory’s unhappiness.
“What I should have told you is that I never came back because of my mother.”
“Gra
ndma? Why do you hate her?” Cory demanded, his tone accusing.
“This isn’t a debate, Cory,” Zac warned. “Your mother is confiding in you because you asked for the truth. The question is, can you be mature enough to hear the truth without jumping to conclusions or judging her?”
After a dark glare at Zac and several moments of contemplation, Cory exhaled. “Go on, Mom,” he said in a quieter tone. “I’m listening.”
“Your grandmother had a store years ago.”
“I know. She told me all about it. It sounded amazing.” Cory’s eyes glowed with excitement.
“It was amazing. I used to go there every day after school to help.” Brianna closed her eyes, pushed back the flood of memories and concentrated on explaining. “My mother was fantastic at what she did. I admired her very much. But I didn’t have her gift. I was lousy at what she did. Probably because I wasn’t interested in home decor. I always wanted to work with kids. When I told her that, she wouldn’t listen. I tried to explain that I wanted to become a psychologist, but she couldn’t accept that. She convinced Dad not to support me to go to college.”
“But, why?” Cory frowned.
Brianna explained what she’d learned about her own grandparents.
“Gosh, this family is full of secrets,” Cory grumbled.
She stared straight at the child who filled her heart and soul with meaning. She loved Cory so much.
“Anyway, it was very important to me that I leave Hope to get my education so I could one day come back to work in the clinic.” She told him all about Jessica, how close they’d been, the deep painful loss she’d felt when they’d learned the illness might have been treated successfully if it had been diagnosed earlier. “We’d planned that clinic in high school, Jaclyn, Shay and I. A clinic for kids. Helping kids was my dream.”
“You’ve always said that. Grandma didn’t understand?” Confusion filled Cory’s face.
“Think about your Grandma, son. Even now she’s very determined. In those days she was almost driven by her desire to make a name for her store. But I wasn’t good at the things she was, even though I desperately wanted to be.”
“Oh.” Her son frowned.
Brianna took Cory’s hands in her own. After taking a deep breath she reached out with her heart to her son.
“I tried so hard to be the daughter she wanted, Cory. But I couldn’t make her dream mine. She wouldn’t support me. So I persuaded Zac to tutor me so I could win a scholarship to college. And I did. We went to the same college and that’s where we decided to get married.”
Brianna deliberately did not say they’d fallen in love and she knew Zac noted the lack. She glanced at her former fiancé once and found his intent stare fixed on her. That’s when she knew she had to tell the whole truth, for Zac’s sake as much as for Cory’s.
“But then you decided not to get married?” Cory prodded, his face confused. He glanced at Zac then back at Brianna.
“Yes.” This was going to be hard. “The night before our wedding, my mother offered Zac a job at the school. She had it all arranged that we would stay in Hope after we were married. Zac would teach, and I’d work in her store. When I wouldn’t agree she told me I was holding Zac back, that he’d never get the degree he dreamed of.”
Zac’s eyes widened. “But—”
“She told me a lot of things and I believed her,” Brianna whispered, begging him to understand. She turned back to Cory. “I believed that if I didn’t do as she asked, I’d lose Zac, that he’d grow to hate me. I was scared and filled with doubts. I didn’t want to hurt him and I sure didn’t want him to regret marrying me or grow to resent me. But I wanted so badly to keep my vow to Jessica.”
“And so?” Cory prodded when Brianna got caught staring into Zac’s troubled gaze.
“I finally agreed I’d work in the store. I loved you, Zac. I wanted you to be happy. That teaching job seemed to make you happy. So I agreed to give up our dreams.” Brianna felt the old pain rise up inside. The words flowed out. “What else could I do? My mother wanted me in that store, and you went along with it,” she whispered sadly.
“Because we needed the money.” Zac frowned. “It was only going to last two years. We could have saved a good chunk and—”
“Two years wasn’t enough for her. I knew it wouldn’t be.”
“What do you mean?” Zac demanded.
The time had come. She had to tell him the truth and trust he’d understand why she’d made the choices she had.
“Brianna?”
“The morning of our wedding,” she whispered. “Do you remember when you told me you thought we should come back early from our honeymoon as thanks for the wedding I never wanted?”
“I remember you laid a strip on me for even suggesting such a thing.”
“Anyway, right after we hung up my mother came into my room. She had a contract.”
“A what?” Cory’s forehead wrinkled in confusion.
“A contract. For me to sign to guarantee that I wouldn’t leave her high and dry.” She licked her lips. “It was a contract for five years.”
“Five years?” Zac glared at her. “She said two—”
“I know. And you believed her. You wouldn’t listen to me when I warned you. You rode roughshod over every protest I tried to make.” She gulped. “You wouldn’t believe me over my mother.”
“But I never meant—” Zac stopped and simply stared at her.
“You didn’t suspect she persuaded your mother to say she was too ill to travel for the wedding, did you?” She smiled at Zac’s start of surprise. “Of course you didn’t. You never clued in that everything was arranged before we got there. The job, all of it. My mother figured if she could keep you in town, I’d have to stay because we’d be married. So she dangled the teaching job in front of you, and you bit.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Zac’s mouth tightened.
“Because you didn’t trust me. That’s why I left before the wedding.” Brianna faced Cory. “I knew we’d never get out once I got involved in my mother’s store. I believed that after five years, Zac would hate me for killing his dream. I wasn’t strong enough back then. I didn’t know how to fight my mother and I knew I couldn’t live in a marriage filled with hate. So I left.” Brianna focused on Cory who was staring at her as if he’d never seen her before.
After a few moments he blinked and the anger was back. “But later?”
“Yes, I always planned to come home eventually. But then your dad died and you got sick. You were really sick, Cory. I was alone and scared and didn’t know what to do. So I phoned home to ask my mother for help.” The tears Brianna had kept suppressed spilled out in spite of her best efforts. She dashed them away, angry that still, after so many years the memory could wound so deeply.
“So she came?” Cory asked hesitantly.
“No.” Brianna paused, inhaled and gathered her strength. “My mother told me that I’d chosen you and your dad over her and now I was stuck with my choice. She hung up on me.”
Nobody spoke for the longest time. Brianna used the moments to gather her composure.
“What did you do, Mom?” Cory’s voice was very quiet.
“I called the two friends who’d always stuck by me. Jaclyn couldn’t leave but she asked her mom to come help me. Shay sent me some money to live on until your dad’s estate was settled. I managed.” She cleared her throat and looked Cory straight in the eye. “And I kept on managing. You were my sunshine, my rainbow and I had to make sure your world was okay. I suffered a lot from my mother’s criticism when I was growing up, son. It was really hard for me. I never felt loved and I didn’t want that for you. So I did my best to raise you with all the love I had. After my mother hung up on me, I vowed I would never come back here. And I didn’t. Until the day my dad wrote and asked for my help.
I couldn’t refuse him.”
Silence fell as her child digested her words. But Brianna wasn’t finished.
“I deliberately kept the truth from you, Cory. Maybe I shouldn’t have. I don’t know. All I know is that I had to protect you the best way I could. Back then I didn’t know how my mother would react to you, but there was no way I was going to risk her hurting you.” She gulped. “So I stayed away and kept my secret. I never told you about them. I managed the best I could.”
“But I love Grandma.” Cory’s face hardened.
“Of course you do. And she loves you. You make her smile.” Brianna touched his cheek. “You’re a wonderful, thoughtful grandson and you should be in each other’s lives. I’m glad you make her happy.”
“But you don’t want to be in Grandma’s life?” Cory looked confused.
“Maybe one day I’ll be able to but right now it doesn’t work,” Brianna said simply. “She’s my mother and I love her, but I can’t seem to do anything right around her. You’ve heard how she talks to me. You’ve seen the way she gets upset whenever I’m around.” Shamed that Zac had to witness this, she continued in a low voice. “I don’t want her to have another stroke, so I stay away. You and Dad visit her. She loves that.”
“But you’re her daughter,” Cory protested.
“I know, honey.” She smiled as she brushed his hair off his forehead.
“There must be something—”
“There is. We can pray about it.” She leaned forward and kissed his cheek. “I love that you want to help, son, but, please, for my sake, don’t talk about this with either Grandma or Grandpa. It would make them sad, and I don’t want to do that. Okay?”
Cory was silent for a long time. He studied Zac for several moments, then glanced back at her, as if he were trying to visualize them ten years ago. Finally he nodded. “Okay.”
“Thank you. I appreciate your listening and understanding.” She rose and pulled him into her arms for a hug. “It’s late. You’d better get to bed.”
“Yeah.” Cory looked at Zac. “Why did you come here tonight?” he asked.