by Lois Richer
“To support your mom. She hasn’t had much of that lately. Now that you’ve got your answers, maybe you can change that.” Zac held Cory’s gaze with his own until the two came to some mutual unspoken understanding.
“Good night.” Cory walked to the stairs and took them two at time, pausing at the top. “Hey, Zac, can I ask you something?”
“I guess.” Zac turned to face him. “What?”
“The other day I was telling the guys about the traveling you did and all those pictures you have.” Cory sat down on the top step. “They were pretty cool. In my old school they had a travel club. Do you think we could have one here, too? If you showed those pictures, I bet that would drum up some interest.”
“A travel club?” Zac glanced at her.
“I think it’s a great idea.” Brianna smiled her encouragement. “Cory, honey, why don’t you ask some of the kids at school if they’re interested? Maybe if you got a travel club formed, you’d be able to plan a trip somewhere.”
“Hawaii, that’s where I want to go.” Cory jumped to his feet. “I could learn the hula.” He swiveled his hips, humming a Hawaiian song as he went to his room.
“Well. His emotions run the gamut in such a short time. I’m exhausted.” Zac’s face was stretched tight. “I wonder if my mom ever felt like that.”
“Often, I’m sure.” Brianna gathered up her teacup as she debated her next words. “Thank you, Zac,” she finally said.
“Glad to help.” He met her gaze and held it but she couldn’t read his expression. “It was...enlightening.”
“I probably should have talked to you about this before.”
“You probably should have,” he agreed in a grating tone. “Like perhaps the day of the wedding, maybe right before you took off out of town?” A tic in the corner of his cheek gave away his anger.
“You still don’t understand,” she whispered, and turned toward the kitchen.
“No,” he said, grasping her elbow and forcing her to turn to face him. “You don’t understand, Brianna. I get the part about your mother, though I still think you should have told me.”
“But?” There was more to come and she knew it.
“What I don’t understand is how you could have so little trust in me. You were far more important to me than any stupid degree. I would have given up anything to make you happy.” Zac slid his finger around her throat, caught the delicate silver chain in his fingers and drew out the diamond ring he’d given her. “Did this mean nothing to you?”
“Why do you think I’ve kept it all these years?” she burst out, furious at him.
“I don’t know. Why don’t you tell me?” Zac murmured as his other hand grasped her and held her fast.
“Why?” Brianna demanded bitterly. “You said yourself that our breakup was probably for the best. You should thank me for running away.”
“Yeah, I probably should. So—thanks a lot,” he said through gritted teeth. Then he kissed her. But before she could react Zac was walking out the same door her father had just walked through.
“What was that about?” her dad asked glancing from Zac to her.
“My mistakes,” she whispered. “I sure have made a lot of them.” Strangely she didn’t feel the least bit upset about that kiss. Even more strangely, she wondered when it would happen again.
Chapter Eleven
“You’ve been avoiding me,” Kent said.
“What are you talking about?” Zac replied.
“You, professor. What’s up?” Kent set a hip against Zac’s desk.
“Work. I haven’t been avoiding you. I’m busy. See?” He spread his hands above the papers on his desk and waited for Kent to excuse himself, but his buddy didn’t or wouldn’t take the hint.
“What is that mess?”
“It’s Brianna’s mid-November report for the board regarding Your World.” He shuffled the papers, searching for an item she’d missed.
“I heard there are a bunch of new clubs forming. Seems like you two have conquered the apathy in the school. How is Brianna? Haven’t seen her for a while, either. The two of you are like recluses.” Kent slouched in a chair and kicked the heel of his boot over one knee.
“We work, Cowboy.” Zac held Brianna’s notes up to the light. “What do these scribbles say?” he asked himself.
“You can’t phone her and ask?”
“I don’t want to call her.” That admission cost Zac.
“Because?” Clearly Kent would not give up easily.
Exasperated, Zac told Kent what he’d learned about his almost-wedding day and Brianna’s reason for her disappearing act.
“She’s a widow but she still wears my ring on a chain around her neck. Explain that.”
“Ask Brianna, not me,” Kent remarked.
“Not going to happen.” Frustrated, he glared at Kent. “I’ve got to get through this. Can we talk later?”
“No.” Kent straightened. “It’s Saturday. You need a break, and I need your help. You may recall Thanksgiving is next week, then comes Christmas?”
“So I’ve heard.” Zac gave up and leaned back in his chair. “Help with what?”
“Decorating the church for Christmas. You volunteered for that, remember?”
“Vaguely.” A dim recollection filtered through Zac’s brain.
“Our mission today, yours and mine, is to take the girls to the Christmas farm and gather enough props to decorate the outside of the church, ready for the live Bethlehem production.” Kent checked his watch. “We leave in half an hour. You in?”
“Girls?” Zac studied his friend suspiciously. “And by that you mean?”
“Jaclyn and her helper, Brianna. Problem?”
Zac opened his mouth to object, but one look at Kent’s resolute expression changed his mind. “You won’t leave until I give in so let’s go.” He rose, grabbed his jacket and led the way out of his office.
Maybe this was the opportunity he needed to finally face Brianna. It was foolish, but he missed her. The hours moved so slowly when he didn’t get to see her hazel eyes brighten with amusement, or darken when she was irritated with him. He missed her voice and the way she constantly encouraged, made him feel as if what he did mattered. It had taken these weeks for his anger with her to fade away. Now all he felt was loss.
“You’re too quiet.” Kent unlocked his truck and waited while Zac climbed inside.
“Be warned that this may not go well. Our last meeting was a little—testy.”
“When you kissed her.” Kent grinned at his blink of surprise. “Brianna talks to Jaclyn. Jaclyn talks to me. You should try that, buddy. Or maybe just go with the kissing.”
“Not a bad idea. Except—where would a relationship between us go?” Zac snapped his seat belt as Kent started the engine and reversed, steering out of the lot and toward Whispering Hope Clinic. “I’m counting on my work here to get me into state education. Besides, now I’ve learned what was really behind Brianna’s decision to leave Hope—lack of trust in me. She didn’t even tell me the truth about her relationship with her mother! That’s pretty hard to accept.”
“Is it?” Kent let the truck idle as they waited for some kids to cross the road. His blue eyes pinned Zac. “Isn’t the real reason you accepted that job offer her mother made was because you didn’t trust Brianna?”
“That’s what she said, too. I don’t get what either of you mean.” Zac glared at him.
“Come on, professor. The rest of us figured there were issues between her and her mother in high school. You were closer to Brianna than us. You must have had an inkling something was wrong,” Kent insisted.
“Well, I didn’t. I thought she had the perfect life. Call me clueless.”
“I’ve called you worse,” Kent joked, then grew serious. “Ev
en so, why wouldn’t you have talked to your fiancée about her mother’s job offer?” He shook his head. “I get a job offer, I know I’m talking it over with Jaclyn long before I decide anything. You guys were on the verge of marriage. You didn’t think maybe you should get your almost-wife’s input?”
“Brianna couldn’t find work, remember?” Frustrated with having to defend himself, Zac repeated the things he’d told himself for ten years. “Going back to school was expensive. We needed the money. Staying in Hope so she could work in the store made a lot of sense.”
“Made sense to whom? And at what price—the cost of Brianna’s dignity, her dreams?” Kent shook his head. “I think it all boils down to trust. You didn’t trust her enough.”
Zac opened his mouth to argue then stopped. In a way Kent was right. He had been afraid—that if he didn’t get his doctorate he wouldn’t measure up in her eyes, afraid that he’d never get to be more than nerdy Zac. Most of all, he’d been afraid Brianna would ask more of him than he would be able to give.
It was that last one that stuck in Zac’s brain as they drove to the clinic. His PhD wasn’t the issue. Putting it off until both he and Brianna had enough funds to return to school would have cost him some time back then, but he would have achieved his goal eventually.
The real truth was Zac had refused to acknowledge his own doubts before the wedding. He’d glimpsed security in that job and clung to it. The real truth was Zac had been terrified by Brianna’s girlish dream of the two of them forging into the future with only each other to depend on. The real truth was he hadn’t believed in Brianna enough so he’d grabbed the easy way, just as her astute mother had known he would.
“I didn’t trust that she was as committed to her dream as I was to mine,” he confessed aloud, stunned by the truth. “I didn’t trust that her warnings about her mother’s manipulations were in my best interest. I didn’t trust her.”
“So what we have is the two of you heading for marriage and neither fully trusts the other.” Kent scowled. “Doesn’t sound like a recipe for happiness to me. I’d say it’s a good thing you two didn’t get married.”
“That’s what I told Brianna a while ago,” Zac admitted.
“But did you mean it?” Kent pulled up to the clinic and switched off the motor. “The thing is, Zac, lack of trust is a disguise for plain old fear. Fear burrows into the deepest part of you. It infects everything you think, every interpretation you make. It weakens you so much you begin to withdraw rather than take a risk. You keep to yourself, you don’t get involved. You see where I’m going here?”
“Sort of.” Zac frowned at him.
“Fear is insidious. People laugh, you assume they’re laughing at you. Next time you see them, you don’t smile. They don’t smile back. Pretty soon you expect the worst of everyone.”
Zac frowned. Was that what he did?
“Fear is what got between you and Brianna, Zac. And it’s still getting between you and others.” Kent’s earnest tone begged him to hear the truth. “You have to overcome your fear that you’ll draw negative attention, that you’ll be on display and people will laugh. You have to give people a chance to see the real you.”
Trepidation crept up his spine and closed around his skull. Let them see the real him? The insecure part that yearned to be loved? The thought terrified him.
“Stop worrying whether you’ll say the wrong thing or give the wrong impression and recognize that everyone is struggling just as hard as you to figure out the path God has set.” Kent frowned. “The idea is for us to help each other along the way, not to go it alone.”
Zac mulled that over until Kent’s chuckles drew him out of his introspection. “What’s so funny?”
“Look at our ladies. I specifically said we would be walking over rough terrain.” He inclined his head. Jaclyn and Brianna emerged from the clinic, both wearing high heels.
“You expected hiking boots? Fashion is king with those two.” Zac watched them lock the clinic door, wave, then saunter toward the truck. His heart thumped an extra beat when Brianna’s gaze rested on him.
“Our Bible study got me thinking,” Kent said. “You’re the reverse of Peter. He blabbed whatever came into his head, but you think too much about what you’re going to say. Be honest, Zac. Speak to Brianna from the heart.”
Easy to say. Hard to do. Zac got out of the truck.
“Hi, guys.” After kissing Kent, Jaclyn stood on tiptoe and brushed her lips against Zac’s cheek, her smile welcoming. “I’m so glad you could come. Will you mind squishing in the backseat with Brianna? I’d do it but the baby makes me carsick when I sit in the back.”
“No problem,” Zac agreed, slightly unnerved by Brianna’s intense scrutiny of him.
“Great.” Jaclyn beamed. “Cory’s coming, too. He should be here in a minute. It’s too bad we only have bucket seats in front. You and Brianna will be squashed.” She accepted her husband’s help to ascend the truck.
“Cory?” Zac glanced at Brianna.
“Oh, yes,” she said, her voice tight. “He was talking to Mom about how she used to decorate the church inside and out, and now he thinks he’s going to direct us to create the same result.”
“Good for him.” Kent waited until Zac and Brianna were seated in back. He stood waiting for Cory, who came across the lot at a run and flung himself into the backseat. “Everybody okay? Not too squished back there?”
“We’re fine,” Brianna said quickly.
Fine? With Brianna seated so close to him, Zac found it impossible to mull over his best friend’s words. He couldn’t help but inhale the soft sweet gardenia scent of her favorite soap, or brush against her bright red quilted jacket when the truck bumped over road construction, or notice the flattering length of her knee-high boots as she eased her long legs into a more comfortable position. She was gorgeous.
“Do you have enough room?” he asked. Brianna’s hair brushed his chin as she nodded. She kept her eyes focused forward.
“So, Cory,” Kent said, “what have you been up to?”
“Library. Research.” He shot Zac a look. “I made a really dumb mistake, so for payback I have to write some essays. I have to do two per week.”
“What’s the topic?” Jaclyn asked.
“Hawaii.”
Zac could feel the heat of Brianna’s stare. When he turned his head, he saw a funny little smile tug at her mouth.
“Very clever. He wouldn’t tell me what his punishment was,” she murmured, for Zac’s ears only. “Hawaii is all he talks about now. Getting him to do even more research on it has kept him busy, and his friends are just as engaged.”
“It’s an awesome place.” Zac had planned to take her there for their first anniversary. Instead he’d gone alone.
For the rest of the ride Cory deluged them with facts about the islands. They also learned that he’d persuaded one of his two friends to help with the church decorating. When they finally reached the Christmas farm and Zac climbed out of the truck, he felt oddly reluctant to have the ride end.
“Will you be able to load as much stuff as I want?” Cory asked, glancing from Zac to Kent.
“Uh, how much do you want, exactly?” Kent was careful to ask.
“A lot. Grandma gave me a list. It’s pretty big.”
“Honey, did you check with the pastor about this?” Brianna looked worried. “There must be a budget.”
“There is. Grandma found out and wrote it all down. The pastor said nobody else had offered so we should go ahead and get whatever we see fit. Okay?” Cory was almost dancing with anticipation.
“Okay.” Brianna nodded and he raced off. Kent and Jaclyn were close behind. Jaclyn shared Cory’s vision for the decorating and was eager to help.
“So? Where should we start?” Zac studied Brianna’s glowing eyes and bright cheeks.<
br />
“In the coffee shop? They’re serving mulled cider.” She shrugged. “Let’s let them do all the hard stuff.”
“My kind of volunteering.” Zac walked with her to the entrance, found it bustling. “How can Christmas be just five weeks away?” he asked, amazed by the number of people present. “Seems like only days ago we started Your World.”
“I know. And now it’s taken off.” Some of the glow left Brianna’s eyes. After telling him what she wanted she hurried to claim a table before someone else grabbed it.
Confused by her reaction, Zac purchased their drinks along with gingerbread cake with whipped cream and carried the tray to the table. Something was wrong.
“What’s up?” he said, when after several minutes Brianna hadn’t touched either.
“I’ve lost Eve Larsen as a client. She said her parents refuse to let her see me anymore. They’ve had to lay off another employee and Eve will have to fill in the slack at the café.” Brianna fiddled with her cup. “There’s no way they could pay for even one year of college now. They’re barely staying afloat.”
“I’m sorry.” Zac didn’t know what else to say.
“So am I. But I can’t blame them. She’s not even finished school yet. Their priority has to be providing a living for the family.” Brianna lifted her head, pretended to smile. “Eve said she’s not letting go of her dream, just putting it on hold, for now. But even if she eventually found funding, I’m not sure she could abandon her family when they need her so badly.”
“I’ll do some checking into funding. And there’s always a scholarship.” When she didn’t return his grin Zac sipped his cider and tried to decide on a way to broach his apology. Finally he just blurted it out.
“That day at your house— I’m sorry I blew up.”
She looked at him, her face sad, her eyes shadowed. Then suddenly her shoulders went back and her eyes began to glow green with anger.
“You know what, Zac? I’ve had it with apologies,” she said in the “tough mom” voice he’d heard her use on Cory. “I apologize for the past. You apologize for the past. We’re always saying we’re sorry. I don’t need apologies anymore.”