by Bella Grant
We selected a ring I thought was perfect for Debra. An elegant, slim white-gold princess-cut solitaire diamond band. The style was suitable for her, not ostentatious but with an exquisite look.
“This is just perfect,” I confirmed with Giselle. “She’ll love it.”
She sighed on the other end of the line. “I’m done trying to reason with you. I mean, I’m happy to see you so emotionally invested in someone that you’re willing to take such a step but it is a huge step, brother.”
“It’s an engagement ring,” I reminded her. “It’s not like we’re going to find the nearest church to get married tomorrow. Now tell me about your photo shoot. Am I going to see you this summer?”
We talked for a few minutes about her plans for summer before she announced she had to go which was just as well since I was falling asleep anyway.
The next day, I couldn’t contain my enthusiasm anymore. The ring could wait. I had to know her ring size anyway, but I couldn’t wait to let her know about her being released from her bond.
I was free in the morning and hung out near her dorm. It didn’t make sense for me to knock at her door because she would only pretend she wasn’t in. She never answered the door. And her roommate always gave me the same answer, that she wasn’t in. So I waited outside the dorm and soon enough, I saw her walk out her residential hall.
“Debra.”
She swung around towards me and her face registered fear. Of me? Why would she be afraid of me?
“Lu-Lucas? What are you doing outside my dorm?”
She clutched her book and laptop to her tummy in a defensive gesture. Her whole demeanor threw me off. My heart sank.
“Can I talk to you a minute?” I asked her nervously. Giselle’s words started making sense. How could I propose to her when I didn’t understand her very need for us to take a time-off?
“I’m really busy. I’ve got to get to the library.”
“I’ll walk with you,” I volunteered and made to put my arm around her in a gesture I’d done so many times. She shied away from my touch and I dropped my hand, my insides turning cold. This wasn’t merely a time off. She couldn’t even tolerate my touch.
“No, just say what you have to,” she murmured. “I’ve my first exam in two days. I have to study.”
“This won’t take long,” I assured her. “How have you been?”
“Fine. If that’s all…”
“No. There’s something I want to give to you.”
I reached into my back pocket and retrieved the folded envelope which contained the signature of the bank for her release from their bond. I held on to it nervously. Given the way she acted, I no longer had confidence in the way she would react to it.
“Really, Lucas, I’ve to go,” she said impatiently and made to walk off but I held her arm. Hope shot through me at the heat that ran through us. I couldn’t mistake the awareness as anything less than what it was. She was still as attracted to me as she was the day she told me we needed a break. So why the hell did she insist in this separation? I kept returning to that question because it made no sense.
I pushed the envelope into her hand then let her go. I decided not to push. I felt marginally better having touched her and knowing she was still into me. Now I had to either wait until she was able to confess what this break was all about or force it out of her, and given that I didn’t want to interfere with her exams, I would wait until they were over before making the next step.
“What is this?” she asked.
“You’ll see.” I smiled at her. “All the best in your exams. I hope we can talk as soon as they are over. Really talk. You know how I feel about you, Debra, and I think you feel the same, but for some reason, you are holding back. I’m not going to push you to tell me what it is right now, but afterwards, when we don’t have to think about exams, we will talk about our relationship. Do you understand?”
She bit down into her lower lip as she did when thinking. She nodded and stepped away. “That’s fine. All the best in your exams too.”
Watching her walk away was one of the hardest things I’d ever done, but it was for the best. We’d have plenty of time later for us to talk and reconcile. Then, I could pop the question.
Debra
I breathed a sigh a sigh of relief as I walked away from Lucas. Only God knew how I had kept my cool while so close to him. The blood still rushed in my ears from my fright that he would discover my pregnancy. So far, I’d been successful in disguising my condition with bigger clothes but in reality, my jeans no longer fit. I’d struggled to button them before and now, I left the button and zipper undone. Wearing long, oversized t-shirts I bought from a thrift store, I could hide my pregnancy for the most part.
My baby bump was growing way too fast, and I prayed it wouldn’t get bigger before I left campus at the end of the semester, two weeks from now when my final exam would be held. The gentle curve of my belly protruded and I’d almost fainted when Lucas walked up to me. He’d almost put his hands around my waist. Dear Lord, I would have had a tough time explaining the thickening there.
I glanced over my shoulder to get another look at him. Beneath all the anxiety of talking to him and risking discovery, I was ecstatic he still sought me out. I was relieved he hadn’t forgotten me and moved on to the next woman. The various times I’d caught a glimpse of him around campus, I hadn’t seen him with any women. Usually, he would have had a girl on his lap, hanging on his every word, but not now.
Did he really love me like he claimed? Was it strong enough for him to believe that I hadn’t gotten pregnant intentionally?
At the doors of the library, I held tightly onto the handle and closed my eyes, taking in deep breaths. The dizziness that sneaked upon me every so often was getting worse. I still took the pills for my blood pressure, but it was a constant effort to maintain the level the doctor said it should be. I tried not to stress about exams, how exhausted I usually was, and the little resources I had to prepare for the baby’s arrival. The worrying wouldn’t solve those problems, anyway.
“Hey, you okay?”
I smiled at the concerned look of another student who was trying to get by me and into the library.
“I’m fine,” I told her and stepped away so she could enter. With another cursory look, she went her way.
My next prenatal visit was next week, but I hoped to put it off until the final week of exams. He’d cautioned me to visit an obstetrician if my pressure got too high and the pills weren’t working. An obstetrician here in the city would be costly, though, so I held out for my return home so I could go back to the free prenatal clinic.
I searched around for an empty table to put in some study time which was difficult to locate considering it was the end of the school term. Even those who had never been to the library during the semester would find themselves at the library, trying to cram for exams. I contemplated going back to the room but dismissed the idea. Being pregnant made me extremely tired, and too often, I started to study and fell asleep in bed.
I had share a table with four chairs, but only one other person was sitting there. After a cordial hello, I placed my book and laptop onto the table and only then remembered the envelope Lucas had placed in my hand. I had clean forgotten about it.
Curious as to what this was, I tore one edge and pulled out a sheet of paper. I frowned, seeing the header for the bank which had granted me the full scholarship. Where did Lucas get this? If the bank had a letter for me—and based on the salutation, it was—why had they forwarded it to Lucas and not to me?
I read on past the salutation, the words not making sense to me. I was absolved of my bonding to the bank due to the repayment in full of my tuition? This had to be some sort of mistake. Tipping the envelope, a slip of paper fell out, a receipt for a payment to the bank which equaled my tuition. I gasped at the name on the signature line.
I should have known. Once I saw the letter, I should have figured who was responsible. Why would he do something like thi
s? The fees for the three years surpassed a hundred thousand dollars. Why would he spend such an amount on my behalf and not consult me to ensure I would appreciate it?
I wanted to find him and demand an explanation. I didn’t deserve this money from him. I had no problem with my scholarship and paying back what I owed the bank with my time and service. At least I would know I earned this scholarship. I hadn’t earned this money from him, or was he trying to pay me for my service to him? First the car, now this. I wasn’t used to these grand gestures and wasn’t certain how to accept these gifts graciously. It felt wrong.
Worse, I was keeping the knowledge of his unborn child from him. Plus, I still had one year left to complete my studies. If the bank was no longer funding my final year, who would? Lucas?
I couldn’t face him and risk being close to him again. Because he hadn’t noticed my condition before didn’t mean he wouldn’t if I gave him a second chance at discovering it.
Distracted from my studies, I resorted to the one thing I could use to contact him without us being in proximity to each other. I retrieved my phone from my bag and replied to the message he had sent me four days ago asking me how I was and to which I hadn’t responded.
Why? Why would you do something like this?
Instead of responding via text, he rang my phone. My finger hovered over the end button to hang up the call but I couldn’t. I headed for the bathroom since the library was a silent zone and answered.
“Hello.”
“You know why I did it, Deb,” he said, getting straight to the point. “I can’t make it any clearer to you how I feel about you. I’m here despite you pushing me away, aren’t I?”
I opened my mouth but couldn’t say the words that were formed by my lips.
“Debra, are you there?”
“Ye-yes, I’m here,” I responded. “You know you didn’t have to do any of this. I don’t think I’m entitled to anything of yours just because you’re rich.”
“It doesn’t matter. I know you want to be able to choose where you work after you finish Regis. If that’s what makes you happy, that’s what will make me happy too.”
“But it’s too much.”
“Nothing I have is too good for you babe,” he said passionately, his words squeezing at my heart. “I-I’m trying to figure this out. I don’t understand why we need to take a time off. I already know I want to be with you. I don’t want you to worry about these things, how you’re going to pay for tuition. I paid for next year for you as well.”
“I don’t know what to say. I’ve mixed emotions, Lucas. I know I’m grateful but I also don’t know how to accept this. It’s a lot.”
“You can accept it because it was done out of love.”
I closed my eyes tightly and leaned back against the vanity. The desire was strong to tell him I loved him as well, but it wasn’t the right time. Wouldn’t it seem like I was saying it because he’d spent so much money to take care of my tuition? When I said it to him, I wanted no doubt to be associated with it or for my confession to be misconstrued as stemming from material gifts.
“When’s your last exam?” he asked, filling the silence between us. Again, I heard the disappointment in his tone that I still refused to say it back.
“Um…the twenty-first,” I lied to him. My last exam was the nineteenth of this month and I planned to leave campus on the twentieth and make a beeline for Pagosa Springs. By the twenty-first when he expected us to have our talk, I would be long gone. I also knew he had a course to do over summer school to graduate with the rest of his class, so he wouldn’t be free until June. That would buy me some time. Or maybe I’d lose him forever when he discovered I’d lied and deceived him.
“Mine is the twenty-seventh,” he grumbled. “What are you doing this summer? Will you be around campus?”
“Um…yeah, yeah, I will.” Another lie. “I work every summer to save enough for the start of the new school term.”
“Hmm, maybe you can work up till the end of June when I finish that summer course,” he suggested hopefully. “I want to take you to my condo in Aspen and have you relax, forget about school and work and simply enjoy the summer before the start of the school term.”
“Okay, that sounds cool.”
“You mean it?”
When would the lie stop? “Yes, I do.”
“Hold a sec, babe.” I heard him talk to someone in the background before returning. “I have to go. I’m at a consultation with my professor and he’s ready for me. Really trying not to fail this course.”
“No problem.”
“Debra,” he said my name then went silent.
“Yes?”
“I know we are supposed to be on a break and all but…can I still text you, you know, to find out how you are?”
A tear slipped down my cheek. Tell him! I screamed at myself inside. He was saying all the right things and I was convinced he did love me. Still, I tried to find an excuse not to this time. Loving me didn’t mean he would want and accept our child. He didn’t want a baby. He’d told me that many times. How could I trap him with that responsibility? I loved him and I wouldn’t have wanted a baby with him now if I’d had a choice. Not at this time in both our lives, but it happened and as the changes took place in my body, I was beginning to love my child until my heart ached to think about our son.
Would he be like his father? If our break became a permanent halt to our relationship, would I be stuck looking at a child who reminded me of him for the rest of my life? And that resemblance wouldn’t matter, regardless of how our relationship unfolded. Because I loved him and always would.
“Yes, you can,” I reassured him, vowing to myself I would respond to his calls and texts.
“Good. Well, gotta run. I love you, Debra.”
“I love you too, Lucas.”
“Did you just—”
I hung up quickly, covering my mouth with a hand. I’d never meant to say it back but I did and I couldn’t tell him it was a mistake. I groaned, which caused another girl in the bathroom to look at me curiously. She must have heard my end of the conversation. Several people had. I’d been so caught up in the phone call, I’d only been semiconscious of the different people who walked in and out of the restroom.
The buxom blonde stared at me long and hard. I stared back, wondering why she looked so familiar, but then I remembered she had been in a class I’d taken last semester. Her eyes went down to my belly. My t-shirt had ridden up and showed my unbuttoned and unzipped pants. She glanced away in embarrassment and I hurried out the bathroom, puzzled about what that exchange was all about.
What if I was pregnant? Why would someone look uncomfortable at a pregnant stranger? I pushed the girl from my mind as I hurried back to the table I had occupied. I’d wasted too much time already and needed to catch up on my study, but even going through the material for my first exam, I couldn’t help wondering about the girl’s expression.
Lucas
“You got somewhere to be, man? You’ve been checking your watch like you got a hot date.”
Ignoring Kevin’s comment, I calculated. Her exam finished at three and it was now one-fifty, which meant she had an hour and fifteen minutes left. Seventy-five minutes before she was through with her exams. Seventy-five minutes before we could resume our relationship and get past this break we were on.
Technically, I’d promised her we’d talk after our exams were over, but I couldn’t wait another day until my final exam. What was important was that she was finished with hers, and whatever intense discussion we would have wouldn’t distract her from anything serious going on with her now.
She’d promised to go to Aspen with me after my summer course ended in June. I was impatient for us to be at my condo and explore other aspects of our relationship together. Would we be compatible living together? Maybe I’d propose to her then. I’d gone ahead and gotten the ring from Tiffany’s. The jeweler had advised me it was sizeable so we could always resize it if I’d gotten it too bi
g, but I thought it was the perfect fit. I had an eye for small details and the way we usually grasped each other’s hands and intertwined our fingers while we made love made me very familiar with the texture, the size, and the delicate shape of her fingers.
“Today’s Debra’s final exam,” I told Kevin.
“And what exactly does that mean?”
“The end of the break in our relationship,” I responded with a grin. “And about damn time too. Man, this is the hardest thing I ever had to deal with, but you know what? It’s actually done some good. It makes me appreciate her more and how happy she makes me when I’m around her.”
“All I know is that girl’s turned you into a damn monk! Weren’t you ever tempted?”
“To be honest, I’ve been too preoccupied about us to think about anybody else.”
He scoffed at me. “It’s me, man. You don’t have to pretend. Your girl has you on a starving sex diet and everywhere you turn on this campus, you see a sexy, slutty babe and you’re telling me you’ve never been tempted! I simply don’t believe that.”
I shrugged. “It doesn’t matter what you believe. I’m telling you how it is. She’s not just another broad, bro.”
“Next, you’re going to tell me you’re gonna wife her.” When I didn’t deny it, his eyes widened in disbelief. “No way! You can’t be serious. You’re twenty-two, man.”
“What’s age got to do with it? You can find the right person any time, and she’s my right person.”
“Whatever, man.”
I saw him look over my shoulder and stiffen and I turned slightly to see what had changed his mood so suddenly. I mirrored his reaction when I saw Rozanne observing us. She caught my eye and blew me a kiss. I was still trying to figure out what game she was playing. She seemed to be everywhere of late, always looking at me with a smirk as if she knew my dirty little secret. I didn’t have any dirty little secret, so this was absurd, of course.