Myth-Fortunes m-19

by Robert Asprin

I grinned uneasily, picturing fire elementals or brassy Jahk women in filmy trousers. "I'd be concerned about the girls that either Massha or Markie would fix me up with."

  Matt shook her head. "Don't be. They know you pretty well, and they care deeply about you. But that is not the whole story."

  She was right.

  "What is it you want?" I asked.

  "Tell the truth," Matt said. "That's the only thing that means anything to me."

  Up until then I hadn't realized how much of the truth I had been bending just to get my way. I was ashamed of myself. I'd given up my dreams of being a successful thief a long time ago. I shouldn't try to steal anything, let alone information.

  I opened my hands. "Aahz is my best friend. He's been my mentor, my partner, my friend, the one I have trusted for years. I am scared for him." I told her about my concern that he was sick and not telling anybody. "But I refuse to let a deal kill him. I don't like him suffering to satisfy your boss's need for revenge on someone else. I do need your help, and I'll do anything to get it. Haven't you ever had anyone you cared about like that?"

  Matt crossed her arms. "Maybe. You haven't earned the right to ask me personal questions."

  "Sorry," I said. "We talked about a lot of things. I thought we were getting to know each other. But I guess we really didn't."

  "We did," Matt said. "I learned you wanted to use me to get what you want and you can be ruthless, though in a nice way. You learned I'm not as dumb as I look. But I didn't think you were . . . ! She took the tallest feather out of her headpiece and touched it to my hand. The black feather glowed silver. She returned it to the top of her head. "The feather of truth never lies. And you are not lying, about this, anyhow. You mean what you just said."

  I was determined to be straightforward from then on. "No. Not about Aahz. Will you help me?"

  Matt raised her eyebrows. "You want me to incur a curse from my boss?"

  "Well, yes," I said frankly. "I'd do anything for Aahz. And he'd do anything for me. That I'm certain of."

  "If I help you, you will owe me. You already owe me one favor, for attempting to use me."

  "Then I owe you two." I showed her an open, honest face. "I admit I took you out to get information about Diksen. I'm worried about my friend and I saw you as my last hope. I do owe you, and I don't deny my obligations. You can call on me any time, for any reason. You have my word on it."

  Matt nodded. "Good. We will call it a debt against the future. Then what is it you wanted?"

  I grimaced. "The problems my partner is suffering are getting worse. You won't believe it, because you've only seen him yell and carry on, but he's really a sensitive guy."

  "He does not seem at all sensitive, from my experience with him."

  I squirmed a little. Aahz did strike people as overbearing. "Well. . . you have to know him better."

  "That I do not wish to do," Matt said. "But I see that you are sincere in one facet of your life. He likes books."

  "Who?"

  "Diksen. He will pay any price for an exotic book of wisdom. He has been looking for a good or excellent copy of the Magus Sutra for years. That is all." "That's all?"

  She smiled, a wintry little expression. "With your determination, it should be more than enough. I am sorry I will not be getting to know you. I would have treasured having a friend like you. I hope your partner appreciates what he has."

  "I think so," I said. "I hope so."

  Chapter 31

  "Never judge a book by its cover."

  —T. Summerbee

  "The Magus Sutra?" Bunny asked, calling a meeting in our secondary office suite across the Bazaar. Buttercup, delighted to have company during the day, ate sugar out of my palm. Gleep wound around my legs. "I've never heard of it."

  "I have," Aahz said, with a wicked grin that spread across his face. "Back in magik school, we used to hide out in the rear staircase behind the library with the dean's personal copy." He rolled his eyes up, reminiscing.

  "Aahz! Stay with us," Tananda said, tapping him on the knee. "I've read it, too. It's not as hot as some modern texts on Trollia, but you have to love the classics. It's got some amazing illustrations. If this is something that Diksen can't resist, then it sounds like the solution we've been looking for. Where can we get a copy of this book?"

  Aahz shrugged. "I don't know. It's been out of print for over five hundred years."

  "Can we, uh, liberate a volume from a collection?" Guido asked. "It sounds like you know of at least two."

  "Not a good idea," I said I was still feeling stung from the hit my integrity had taken on my day out with Matt, and it was all my own fault. "I'd rather buy one. We'll get paid back

  for it. Matt said Diksen would pay any price to own it. By the way, why aren't we in M.Y.T.H., Inc.'s

  headquarters?"

  Bunny shrugged. "Bytina picked up some buggy software. I think it came from a client who came into the office yesterday. I mean, there is nowhere you can sit without getting bytten! I'm having the place debugged by an expert. We should be able to get back in there tomorrow, next day at the latest."

  Aahz made a face. "The curse must be spreading out."

  "We'll get rid of it," Bunny assured him. "If tempting Diksen with the Magus Sutra will work, let's concentrate on tracking one down. As Skeeve says, it doesn't matter how much it costs if it works."

  There's no more certain way to make the price of a commodity rise than to let it be known that you have to have it. We didn't spread the word, but somehow it got around that we were trying to find a mint copy of a rare book.

  Deveels are masters of the hard bargain, and they are not above making a hasty fake in hopes of making a hasty profit. Before midnight, we had a line stretching from the door down the block and around the corner. About dawn, my turn to sit at the front desk and check out possibilities saw very little reduction in the number of sellers hoping to foist off their wares on us. Guido, Aahz, Bunny, Tananda and Nunzio had each had a shift.

  "Lusty Toasty Comics?" I asked, eyeing the latest offering with distaste. A Deveel maiden cavorted on the cover, wearing nothing more than a smile.

  "Well, that's kind of like Magus Sutra, isn't it?" asked the hopeful Deveel on the other side of the desk. He was about my height, possibly my age, skinny and pimply.

  "This can't be five hundred years old," I said.

  "Sure it is. It's issue number two! It's worth three hundred gold pieces!"

  "No, thanks," I said, pushing it back again.

  "How about five gold pieces?" the Deveel asked. "Look, I can buy a whole year's worth of Zarzafan the Conqueror with that!"

  "No," I said firmly. "Next!"

  The next would-be salesman barely came up to the level of the desk. I could just see his horns peeping over the edge. I leaned forward to look down into the spectacles of an elderly Deveel—or maybe he wasn't a Deveel. Something about him suggested he was wearing a disguise spell.

  "I hear you want a copy of the Magus Sutra," he whispered, confidentially. He held up a cloth-wrapped bundle.

  "Is it yours to sell?" I asked.

  "Why," he said, blinking at me with the bemusement of someone who doesn't get out in daylight very often, "yes, of course it is. It has been in the family for a long time. I wouldn't like to sell a family treasure, but you know, times are hard."

  I let him natter on, and took the bundle. I knew as soon as I opened the parcel that I was holding something rare and precious. It virtually crackled with potential magik. Even the title seemed to writhe sensuously across the cover.

  "Hey, Aahz?" I called. My partner was snoozing on the couch in the president's office. "Aahz!"

  He emerged, orange circles under his eyes. "This had better be worth it," he said. "You woke me out of the best dream I've had in . . . whoa."

  He homed in on the book on my desk and lifted it with reverent hands.

  "Is it real?" I asked.

  "Page sixty-seven," he said, thumbing through it hastily. He held it
at arm's length, then brought it close, then let out a deep chuckle. "Yes. It's real." I leaned up to look over his elbow at the page, but he slammed the book shut, and aimed his chin at my visitor. "What do you want for it?"

  "Well, I was thinking ..." the elderly Deveel began, polishing his glasses.

  "Half," Aahz said, promptly.

  "That is hardly a decent offer for a priceless old book," he protested.

  "Tough," Aahz said. He took a handful of coins out of his pocket and spread them on the desk. "Take it or leave it." "How do you know ... ?"

  "I know," Aahz said. "It's got a label for the Magicians' Club library on the flyleaf. Considering how we parted company, I don't mind borrowing their property for a good cause. How about it?" he asked.

  "Done," the short Deveel said amiably. He scooped the coins off the desk and tucked them away. "Good morning to you."

  "Send the rest of them away," Aahz said, glancing out the door at the line of would-be sellers. "We'll deal with this baby later. I need some sleep."

  After a few cups of very strong coffee, I followed Aahz to the shop of a book dealer we knew in the Bazaar. Dewie stroked the book lovingly.

  "I hate to do this to a nice old book like this one," he said. He was a lanky Deveel with a back hunched over from years of reading small print in poor light. His large, pale green eyes peered at us over half-glasses with gold frames. "Are you sure you wouldn't rather sell it instead? I'd be proud to have it, and so would a hundred of my most discerning patrons. I could set up an auction for you."

  "Gotta do it, Dewie," Aahz said, with regret. "Just get it over with quickly, okay? I hate to hear a good book scream."

  "All right," the bookseller said. He disappeared into his workshop. In a short time, he came back. To me, the book looked exactly the same, but it was supposed to. I paid him, and we transferred back to Ghordon.

  It was my first visit to the royal palace, and I regretted the haste, but we were running out of time. With some persuasion and several hefty bribes that left Aahz muttering to himself, we were shown into a high-ceilinged room in which every available surface of the white-plastered walls was covered with incised and painted pictographs and glyphs. I amused myself for an hour trying to read them. As far as I could tell, the wall nearest the door was the serialized adventures of a married couple in the desert.

  Aahz paced.

  When our patience (and Aahz's feet) was nearly exhausted, a grandly dressed vizier appeared and

  looked down his ape-like nose at us.

  "The minister will see you now," he intoned.

  Gurn looked up from his desk. I wanted to smile, because it had obviously been built to scale for the little Ghord, but I didn't dare. We needed his help.

  "What do you want?" he asked.

  "Good to see you, too," Aahz said sourly.

  "Never mind the niceties," Gurn said. "You haven't wasted them on me in the past, and I doubt you need them now."

  "We need your help," I said.

  Gurn shook his head. "I am not getting involved in your dispute with Diksen. I will not mediate or negotiate on your behalf."

  "We don't need any of that," I said. "We just need you to make Diksen an offer."

  Gurn narrowed an eye at us. "What kind of offer?" "One he can't refuse," Aahz said.

  "Do I look like I work for organized crime?" the minister asked.

  "You work in government, don't you?"

  "Go away," Gurn said, wearily. "Her majesty is not feeling well, and we have a state visit by an interdimensional monarch coming up."

  "We didn't get any sleep either," Aahz said. He slammed the book on the desk. "This is it. All you need to do is to let

  Diksen know that you have this, and that you are willing to sell it to him. As an overture of friendship, or whatever bogus excuse you can come up with, you are making it possible for him to buy this book."

  Gurn raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

  "Because there's a contract for a block in Samwise's pyramid sewn into the binding," I said. "If he buys it, he buys the contract, and his own curse rebounds on him. We can't just send it to him. He has to accept it, or it won't work. You said to use our imaginations, and I am."

  "But in order to pass along the curse, I must pay you for the book, then I will be affected by it as well," Gurn said. "No, thank you. I can just barely stand the food in this palace to begin with."

  "It's for the Pharaoh," I pointed out. "You want to help her. This ought to do it. If we could figure out another way, we would. This is our best shot."

  "How about it?" Aahz asked.

  Gurn rubbed his lower lip, thinking deeply. We waited, holding our breath.

  "It's devious," said the minister. "I like it." He smiled, which did nothing for his misshapen face, and passed a coin across the table. Aahz took it. "Very well. Leave it with me."

  Chapter 32

  "Be careful what you ask for."

  —Midas

  It took until early the next morning for a glyph to reach me, almost as soon as I transferred into Ghordon from the Bazaar. The small chunk of stone smacked into my chest and fell to the ground. I picked it up and read it. It had one pictograph on it. I let out the breath I'd been holding in a rush. I handed the pebble to Aahz. It showed a circle with pinpoint eyes and a curving smile.

  "He did it," Aahz said, grinning. "Now we wait for the bad luck to begin."

  Nothing seemed to happen for two more days. I kept finding myself glancing nervously at the sundial, willing the hours not to pass. Gurn's threat would come due in another day, and I had no doubt that he would make good on it. I looked frequently in the direction of Diksen's pavilion. The office bubble and the gleaming pyramid looked exactly the same.

  Diksen might not be noticeably affected by the curse, but we heard from a lot of people who were. A few of Aahz's clients had to back out with one excuse or another. One Pervect had lost his job almost as soon as he had signed the contract. A Deveel lost all her money on a single bet in Vaygus and couldn't supply the down payment. Bendix

  came back with a writ to threaten Aahz with malfeasance, or some kind of feasance, because even though Aahz had let him out of the contract, the bad luck had persisted. His lawsuit demanded damages in amounts that made my eyes pop. Aahz was visibly pained at the idea of paying penalties on top of having made a full refund. We wondered whether he was just the first of angry clients that Aahz had personally signed up. Aahz had dug deep into his list of acquaintances and persuaded them to rope in their friends and relatives. I knew Bunny would help Aahz make up any shortfall, as this was an official M.Y.T.H., Inc., project, but I also knew he'd rather eat his own stone rather than have to ask.

  Other customers without curse-detectors complained that their technology had stopped working, or that their magik had let them down when they needed it the most. Some had acquired body parasites or new allergies, had run-ins with inlaws, or said something unforgivable in the hearing of the one person who shouldn't have heard it in a million years. None of them could precisely lay the blame at our feet for their misfortunes, but I felt guilty about not being able to tell them the truth. Instead, I listened sympathetically to their woes and offered to take them out to the future sites of their stone blocks. After seeing them off, I returned to the office feeling miserable.

  "This had better work," Aahz said gloomily.

  Until it did, we kept looking for alternatives. So far, nothing promising had come to light. Aahz and I kept up our rounds of the site, fixing what we could and sounding sympathetic about what we couldn't.

  "Make way for the Pharaoh!" bellowed a voice from the sky.

  "That's all we need," Aahz groaned. But he pasted on a smile as Samwise rushed in to rally us for a royal welcome.

  "Hail, in the name of all the Ghords of Ghordon, Eternal Ancestors Who Give Life and Light to All Creatures. Blessings upon Suzal, daughter of Geezer, she who is Pharaoh and Queen of Aegis from the Underworld to the Overheaven, etcetera, etcetera, and so forth!" shouted h
er herald, alighting on the flagstones. He held up a hand, and the Sphinxes brought the chariot in for a landing. This was another casual visit, with perhaps sixty attendants, a handful of dancing girls, two jugglers and fifteen court officials on hand.

  "And how are you doing, gorgeous?" Aahz asked, as he helped her down from the golden staircase.

  "Not well, O Sober-faced one," Suzal said. She looked thinner than she had since her last visit. "Things do not sit well with me lately."

  "It's the heat," I offered sympathetically.

  "It's always hot here," said Gurn. We looked down at him. I had to look twice. Instead of the miserable, twisted figure that we were accustomed to seeing, he was . . . handsome. Very handsome. His eyes were wide and brown under a noble brow, his nose was straight as mine but more aristocratic, his chin strong and square.

  "I ..." I began. What could I say?

  "Say nothing," Gurn snapped. "Her majesty wants to view the progress you are making. I hope it is worthwhile."

  "The fourth tier is doing really well, your majesty,"

  Samwise said, bowing over and over. He had no wish to get closer to Gurn. "May I offer you a tour?"

  "I would enjoy a tour," she said, but she smiled at Aahz. "But I would feel more cheerful if my trusted minister came with me."

  "No!" Gurn exclaimed. "I mean, your majesty, I must check upon the business dealings of your architect's company."

  "Oh," the queen said, deeply disappointed. She turned to Aahz. "Then, would you escort me, O Sober-faced one?"

  "It would be a pleasure, doll," Aahz said, bowing over her hand with a lascivious look. He tucked her arm into his elbow as the Sphinxes came around with Suzal's mini-chariot. He helped her into it and sat on the lip near her feet. The Sphinxes bent their knees, opened their wings, and took off.

  I turned to Gurn again.

  "What happened?" I asked, unable to contain myself.

  "It is your cursed curse!" he said. "I have been able to keep my distance all these years from her majesty because she could hardly bear to behold me, but now she looks at me with favor, even curiosity. I tell you, it is torture! If you do not defeat Diksen soon, my effectiveness as her minister is at an end, and I will not stand for that!"