“Yes, you’re right.” He glanced at his watch. “It’s getting late. Will you be all right on your own?”
It was late and she felt drained. She didn’t want him to leave, but if he stayed, who knows where it would lead, and she wasn’t ready to sleep with him. So she smiled and stood. “Sure, I’ll be fine. I guess we’re both tired.”
Holding hands, they walked to his car. “I’ll call you tomorrow. I have a few things I need to look into at the clinic, but I’m still on vacation. Maybe we could do something fun together. What do you say?”
She kissed him. “I’d love it.”
“I’ll think of something, call you tomorrow.” Taking her face between his hands he gazed into her eyes. “You mean a lot to me, my Nina. Promise me you’ll call if you have a bad moment.”
“I’m not going to have bad moments, but I promise.”
He enfolded her in his arms and touched his lips to hers, a soft tender kiss. Her arms were around his neck. The kiss deepened. He ran his hands over her body, discovering the long length of her back, pulling her closer. She removed her lips from his, looked deep into his eyes and gently moved out of the embrace.
“Now, go get some sleep,” she said.
He got in the car, threw her a kiss and left. Watching him drive off she hugged herself. I am in love with him. It’s wonderful. And it’s frightening.
Slowly she turned around and sauntered inside. She locked doors and turned off lights, thinking that she needed to talk to Sophie, her wise, levelheaded friend. Nina hoped she would know how to put words to what she felt.
Chapter 19
Next morning Nina slept later than usual. The sun was high in the sky when she walked to the front yard to collect the newspaper, glancing down the street at Sophie’s house. She was surprised to see her car was in the driveway. This time of day Sophie was usually at work. Nina needed to talk to her, but nine-thirty was perhaps a bit early to phone. Better wait a while; she’d shower first.
It was mid-morning when she got around to phoning Sophie. The machine picked up. “Sorry I’m not here to take your call …”
On the off-hand chance that Sophie was screening her calls, Nina spoke after the message. “Sophie, if you’re there and not busy, please pick up. I need to talk to you.”
“Yes, I’m here. What’s up, Nina.”
“Can you spare a minute? I’d like to talk to you.”
“Sure. I took the day off, had some overtime due. Come on over.”
“Thanks. I’ll be there in a few minutes.”
Nina touched her lips with gloss and left home. The street, usually serene and sleepy, looked messy today with the blue plastic recycle boxes by each driveway, put there for the city’s weekly collection.
Sophie’s front door was ajar. The neighborhood was so quiet people didn’t bother to lock their doors. After knocking, Nina entered and pulled the door closed behind her.
“Hello. Anybody home?”
“Come, Nina. I’m in the kitchen.”
Sophie sat by the table, glasses on the bridge of her nose, hair in disarray, notes strewn about the table.
“Am I interrupting something?”
“Not at all. I’m trying to balance my checkbook. A losing battle.”
Nina gave a little laugh. “I don’t even try. I get the monthly statement and adjust my balance accordingly.”
They settled on the lanai, pleasantly warm before the sun reached to bake it.
Sophie studied her, brows raised in question. “How are you, anyway? You look . I don’t know, changed. You’re glowing.”
“Maybe.” Nina faltered, not sure how to proceed, a broad smile stretching her lips.
Sophie gave her hand a little pat. “You said you wanted to talk. I’m listening.”
Nina sat on the edge of the chair. The silence grew. Her mouth was full of words she didn’t know how to speak, and she couldn’t stop smiling. “I’m in love,” she said at length, her voice low.
Sophie smiled and nodded. “Okay, dear.”
Nina opened her eyes wide, staring at Sophie. “Is that all you have to say? Okay? Aren’t you surprised? Don’t you want to know who it is, at least?”
Sophie laughed quietly. “It’s Michael, I’m sure, and no, I’m not surprised, least of all shocked. I think it’s cool. I’m serious—it couldn’t happen to nicer people.”
“How did you know? I haven’t been sure myself what I feel, so how could you guess?”
“I’m not blind. I look and observe. Since you fell off that blessed ladder Michael’s been glued to your place. If he weren’t interested in you he wouldn’t bother sticking around. And you wouldn’t let him, if he didn’t matter to you.”
“Well, yes. I guess you’re right. I saw Barry, a friend from my student days, and he said I looked different, that I must have met a man. It made me think. Then last night Michael and I talked.” She shrugged.
“Ah, I love that exotic shrug of yours. Is this what you wanted to talk about? Michael? Or is there something else?”
“Yes, there is more because it’s not that simple. I may be in love with Michael, but I shouldn’t be.”
“Really? Why shouldn’t you?”
“Many reasons; I’m not sure I’m ready for a relationship. And I’m not divorced yet.”
“The divorce is a technicality, Nina. In a month or so it will be final.” Sophie hesitated. “You may be right that you’re not ready for a relationship, but where’s the problem? Is Michael pushing you?”
“No. He even said we shouldn’t rush things.”
“There you go. Take your time. Continue seeing him. You’ll know intuitively when you’re ready.”
Nina nodded. Sophie made sense, she made it all sound so simple, and yet it wasn’t. Nina hadn’t said anything about the other reason she wanted to talk to her.
“Come on, Nina. I can tell you have more on your mind.”
“I’m so embarrassed, but I have to tell you.” Shifting in the chair she faced away from Sophie. “I haven’t been intimate with a man in a very long time. I … it’s as if I am faulty or something. Not quite normal.”
“Easy does it. Haven’t you and André made love?”
“No, not in years. And there hasn’t been anybody else.”
“Poor you. That must be tough.”
“Not really. I worked, and at the end of a day I was so tired all I wanted was sleep. I thought I didn’t need sex. After I discovered André’s affairs, closeness to a man frightened me. Still does. More so now because there’s Michael. I want him, desire him. For years, I’ve been emotionally numb. Now I see I’ve missed the stirrings of desire. I’m delighted to discover I can feel love.”
“Nonsense, Nina. You love your children.”
“For sure I do, but that’s difference. I’m talking about loving a man.”
Sophie nodded.
“I love Michael.” Nina sighed. “But I’m afraid of many things. Intimacy. Being hurt. Being inadequate. This is all so new to me.”
“Hey, Nina, you’re spooking yourself. Try living in the day, then you don’t have to worry about the future. I can understand your fear of being hurt. You’ve been through more than enough.” She patted Nina’s hand. “These are your options; either you let fear dominate you, walk away from Michael and at the end of your life, question what could have been. Or you risk it. It either works or it doesn’t, but at least you’ve given Michael and yourself a fair chance. You surprise me, I hadn’t figured you for a coward.”
“I’m trying to protect myself.”
“Right, you should.” Sophie leaned forward. “What do you want, do you know that?”
“Yes, I do. I want to live fully. I want Michael; I want gladness in my life.”
“Now you’re making sense. Mi
chael’s offering you all this.”
“Don’t you think it’s too soon? I’m hardly rid of André, and here I go, falling in love with another man.” She smiled. “I keep repeating myself, but I need to be sure I’m not making a mistake.”
“I think you’ve lost enough time. Are you going to waste another thirty-seven years? If you were having this conversation with one of your patients, what would you tell her?”
“I’d tell her to go for it and good luck.”
“That should answer your misgivings. Does it?”
“It does. Gosh, you’re good; you should hang out your shingle.” She gazed at Sophie, dark glasses hiding her eyes.
“Tell me,” Nina said, and faltered, uncertain about bringing this up, even more unsure whether she was doing the right thing. “What about you? You’re my age and single. How do you handle it? Sex, I mean?”
Sophie shrugged. “The way most single women do—work till I drop, like you.”
“What about men?”
“AIDS has taken the fun out of one-night stands. I date occasionally, but most men aren’t worth bothering with for a second round.”
Nina was quiet, waiting for Sophie to say something more. The silence stretched. I better get this out in the open or it’s going to stand between us. I’m too fond of Sophie to let it become an issue.
She reached to touch Sophie’s hand. “A while ago, Michael told me that you two were intimate once.”
Sophie removed her dark glasses, eyes intent on Nina’s face. “I was going to tell you, but the time never seemed right. When I saw where you were headed with him, I was afraid it would hurt you.”
“I know you would have told me eventually. Michael did it before you, that’s all.”
“How do you feel about it?”
“About you and Michael?”
Sophie nodded. “Yes.”
“I don’t see where it should concern me. It happened before I knew him. It doesn’t make any difference to the way I feel about you or Michael. You’re my dear friend and Michael … I love you both.”
Sophie’s eyes were shiny. “I’m happy for you two, for having you as a friend.”
Nina stood. “I’m glad we talked. I need to go home. Let’s see what comes of this, Michael and me.” With an arm around Sophie’s shoulders Nina pressed her cheek to Sophie’s, who responded by giving her a brief hug.
They left Sophie’s lanai together and crossed the yard to the driveway. Nina patted her arm. “Talk to you soon.”
Sophie shaded her eyes against the glare of the sun. “Yes. Call me.”
Deep in thought, Nina took her time walking home. She had said that Sophie’s affair with Michael didn’t matter, but that wasn’t quite true—it rankled. Images and thoughts of them together bombarded her mind. With some difficulty she kept them at bay, refusing to give in to her insecurity. There was no comparing him to André—Michael had been single, a man in need of companionship and intimacy. It was natural that he had women friends, nothing like the string of women who passed through André’s bed. If she brooded on their affair she would ruin her friendship with Sophie and the beautiful budding feelings between her and Michael, and Nina was determined not to let that happen.
Sophie was right; this was Nina’s time. She had wasted enough years, but a voice cautioned her to hold back. She wished she could grab what life offered, not squander one more minute, but another disappointment would be devastating. And there was Cindy. Nina couldn’t quite figure why she felt threatened by her.
At home Nina wandered from room to room, too restless to settle down. If she couldn’t cram some activity into every moment, she grew fidgety. She almost felt guilty for being idle, and she hadn’t yet learned to be alone. During her career she’d been busy, every minute accounted for, results to show at the end of the day, always surrounded by people. She found a more sedentary lifestyle difficult. Her new life was filled with conflict, demanding a daily effort on her part.
Today’s paper in hand, Nina stood by the door to the lanai, hesitant if she wanted to settle on the couch or the lounge chair outside. In or out? When the phone rang, she sprinted to grab the handset.
“Hi sweetheart.”
“Hi Michael. I’m glad you called.”
His quiet laughter warmed her. “What are you doing?”
“Nothing. I was trying to make the earth shattering decision whether to read the newspaper in the den or on the lanai.” She sighed. “I usually don’t lack the ability to make decisions.”
“Don’t be too hard on yourself.”
“You’re right, of course.” Relief flooded her like a gust of fresh air. “I was wondering what’s wrong with me.”
“Nothing’s wrong with you that can’t be cured by an afternoon on the beach. How about it? I could fetch you in about half an hour.”
Her heart started hammering, excitement coursing through her body like busy fireflies. The beach. With Michael. “Oh yes! Sounds wonderful. I’ll be ready.”
The smile was in his voice. “Let’s plan on spending the afternoon and having dinner at a quaint place I know, ‘The Laughing Dolphin.’ See you in a bit.”
Placing the handset on the base, Nina took a few dance steps into her bedroom. Bikini or one piece bathing suit, that was the question. Without hesitation she made up her mind to be bold; she choose a bikini. In the bathroom, beach bag at her feet, she dropped in sun screen, glasses, hairbrush and a wrap to wear at dinner. In the corridor as she reached for a towel the phone rang again. She glanced in the direction of the shrill sound, shrugged her shoulder and continued preparing her bag. The ringing persisted; the caller wasn’t going to give up. Taking long strides, she ripped the handset from the socket, barking into the phone.
“Hello!”
“Nina, I was afraid you were already waiting for me in the driveway and didn’t hear the phone.”
“I wasn’t going to answer in case it was somebody who would keep me and make me late.” Breathless, she pushed hair from her eyes. “What’s up?”
Pause on the line. She heard Michael breathing. “I’m afraid something’s come up. We can’t go to the beach today.”
“Oh.” A heavy cloud obscured the sun, although it still bathed the yard in its warm yellow light. “That’s too bad.” She hoped he didn’t hear her voice breaking.
“Yes. I’m sorry. Only minutes after I talked to you, Cindy called that she has a flat tire. She’s stuck on the express way, some thirty miles from here.” He signed. “I have to go help her.”
Nina’s limbs grew heavy, her shoulders sagged. Cindy! I knew she was going to be difficult. “Can’t one of your sons go? How about their wives, Ally or Linda.”
“Sweetheart, they’re at work. I have to go. I’m so sorry, but we’ll go to the beach another time, soon.”
Leaning elbows on the kitchen counter, Nina stared unseeing at a poster of a shocking pink orchid. “Fine.”
As she emptied her beach bag with slow deliberate movements, a heavy lethargy settled over her. When Michael suggested going to the beach she had been like a child with a present. When he cancelled, she came down from that pink cloud with a crash that rattled her entire being. I have to watch out not to let Michael influence the color of my day.
What am I going to do now? Writing would be a waste of time in her present frame of mind. She grabbed her sports bag and drove the short distance to the gym, spending her energy on a vigorous workout. On the treadmill, she ran five miles in record time, punishing each machine she used for her disappointment and frustration.
On her return home, Nina settled on the lanai, determined to read for at least an hour. The warm air, the comfortable lounge chair and the quiet lulled her to sleep. When she woke it was late afternoon; she’d slept long and deep. Amazing, since she rarely napped in the afternoon.
“Oh Lillian, hi. How are you, chérie?”
“Mami. I’m glad you’re home.”
“How’s everybody?”
“We’re all fine. Listen, Jean-Luc said you’d called the other day.”
Pause. Nina heard Lillian breathe hard, waited, giving her daughter time. Whatever it was she wanted to say couldn’t be easy.
“He, Jean-Luc thinks it would be good for the twins to spend part of their summer vacation with you, improve their English, be by the sea, and . you know, be with you.”
Nina’s breath caught in the throat from surprise and delight, but she didn’t quite dare to believe Lillian had a change of heart. “How do you feel about them coming?”
“I was angry and said some awful things to you. I didn’t mean it. Please forgive me, Mami.” Lillian’s voice tapered to a shaky whisper.
Not so long ago Lillian had said Nina was a bad influence. Nina wasn’t resentful by nature, but that barb still hurt. Now Lillian asked for forgiveness. Because Nina loved her daughter, the answer was simple.
“Certainly, I forgive you. I know you’re hurt.” Nina inhaled, a shuddering intake of air.
“I still find it difficult to believe that Papa could behave like that. Why did he do it? Why that other woman? I thought you were happy?”
A muffled sob.
“He’s always been my hero. And now—this. I’m so furious with him for having hurt you. He’s broken up our home, chased you away. I don’t care if I ever see him again.”
This too shall pass.
“Naturally, you’re hurt. So am I. But don’t judge Papa without a hearing, chérie. He’s been a good father to both you and Danny. I often thought he could be a more present father, but I know he loves you very much, nothing can change that. It would be cruel to just shut him out of your life because he’s hurt you. I’m sure he didn’t want to cause you pain. And Lillian, there are the twins to think about; they love him, too.”
Life Is A Foreign Language Page 15