“Oh Mami, everything is so complicated. I would like for things to return to the way they were.”
“I wish I had the power to change that for you, but we just have to make do with what is. Plod on. It’s by getting through the tough stuff that we get out of it.”
“But I’m so furious with Papa. Does he know what he’s done to us all? Nothing will ever be the same. Why did he do it in the first place?”
“I can’t answer that.”
“Yes, but as a psychotherapist .”
“I don’t treat members of my family, you know that. I’m your mother, I can’t be your counselor. If you need help I’ll give you the names of several good therapists, but let’s not confuse the issues.” Nina drank the last drops of wine. “You’ve heard me say it often; if I’m your friend, who’s going to be your mother? It goes for therapist, too.”
Silence on the line. “I know, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. You’re a great mom, always have been. I don’t say it often enough, but I mean it.”
“Thanks. It’s good to hear it now and then.” Her hand holding the receiver was going to sleep; Nina moved it to the other hand. “Now we’ll have more quality time together than we did in Annecy when you and I had full-time jobs. We’ll visit on vacations and holidays, do things together, really be together.”
“But I’m not sure I’m fond of the idea of the girls visiting this year. I mean, you have a new life, you live in a culture that’s foreign to them. Possibly next year. What do you say?”
Nina was getting cold in the air-conditioned house. “I think it’s an excellent idea for them to come this summer. They miss me and I them. As to a new culture, they’re almost sixteen. It’s time they started seeing new horizons, learning about a world other than their own little sphere.”
“That’s what Jean-Luc said, he is for it. But I’m not sure.”
“Consider this, Lillian. Last time we spoke you worried about Jean-Luc and your marriage. With the twins safely with me for a month or six weeks you two would be able to spend time together, catch up on each other. Like a second honeymoon.”
Silence on the line. “You sure know the right arguments. I’m very tempted.”
“Good. I take this as a positive answer that the twins will come stay with me.”
“Okay, yes. Will you talk to them? They’ll be thrilled to hear the good news from you.”
“Sure, I’ll call them in the morning before they leave for school. Thanks, Lillian, this means a lot to me.”
“Sorry I was so brusque. I’m glad you’re not angry. Love you, Mami.”
“Lillian, take it easy. Don’t let your anger dictate your behavior where Papa is concerned. I love you, too.”
Nina pressed the receiver to her chest, cherishing the gladness and relief welling inside. Her lips stretched into a broad smile; what a gift! Overcome with excitement, she almost danced as she went to the kitchen to prepare a salad and to warm some leftovers for dinner. Eating alone was a little easier now that she had the twins’ visit to look forward to. Right now she didn’t feel quite as lonely as usual.
It turned dark. Nina poured another glass of wine, sauntered to the lanai and watched the star-kissed water in the pool. She put the glass on the table and returned inside. In the bathroom she undressed and grabbed a towel, then entered the lanai again. She dropped the towel next to the pool with her glasses on top and slipped soundlessly into the water. She floated on her back, arms loose at her sides. Her eyes adjusted to the darkness, and she gazed at the infinity of twinkling stars.
After the swim, Nina dressed in a long T-shirt and sat on the lanai, the glass of wine in front of her. Peace enveloped her, something she hadn’t known in a long time. Despite her disappointment over the cancelled outing with Michael, today had been good—one of the first days with moments of peace since that day in March. If happiness was peace of mind, this very moment she was happy. Or perhaps happiness was the absence of pain, in which case she was happy because she didn’t hurt. Stretching her arms over her head she whispered “Thank you” to whatever Higher Power there was.
Perhaps she was healing.
Chapter 20
Nina wanted to catch the twins before they left for school, so she had set the alarm. When it rang, she was instantly awake. Turning on a light, she put on her glasses and dialed, excitement building inside as she waited. Jean-Luc answered and after exchanging greetings, she heard him call the girls’ names.
“Hurry up. Mami’s on the phone.”
“Hey Mami.” It was an echo when each girl took an extension.
“You’re in a hurry, so I’ll be short. Mama and I talked yesterday, and we all agreed—your Papa too—that you’ll both visit me when school’s over this summer.”
“Are you serious? Can we really come?”
Nina’s laugh was soft. “Yes, chérie, it’s true; you can really come. Talk to Mama and Papa, fix the dates, make the reservations and then let me know. I hope to see you in July.”
They sounded so happy. Nina had to remind them of the time to get them off the phone.
It would be a treat to have them to herself. When Lillian and Danny were growing up Nina, like so many women of her generation, was busy finishing her studies, getting a foot in the job market. There wasn’t much time for mothering, at least not the way she would have preferred. When the twins were born Nina had a position and a name. She made up her mind not to waste the opportunity to bond with them. She lavished attention and love and time on them, and the girls returned her affection and fondness in equal measures.
That afternoon, Nina examined the yard and discovered weeds, lots of them. She looked forward to working in the soil after being laid up with the sore ankle. Taking her tools from the garage, she started weeding in the farthest corner of the garden, where the areca palm grew.
From there she moved to a flowerbed. The birds were singing their sweetest song, mad with spring fever at mating time. She never tired of listening to their ode to life.
Nina pulled weeds and dug with bare hands, relishing the feel of soil, though here it was mostly sand. She missed the wonderful heady smell of wet earth from home.
A shadow fell across the patch she was working. Turning, she shaded her eyes and smiled at Michael. “Hi there.” She dropped her trowel, and flopped to a sitting position.
He sat next to her on the grass. “Hi yourself. I came to see if you’d like another frangipani. You have several on your front lawn, but this is special. The flowers are strawberry red. Quite unusual.”
He wore shorts. The sun made the hairs on his legs shine golden against his tan. For an instant she wanted to run her hand slowly up and down the length of his legs, feel his skin against her palm. With effort she focused on the small shoot of a plant he’d brought.
He set the plant on the grass and pulled a handkerchief from his pocket. “You have some dirt on your forehead.” With a hand under her chin he rubbed a spot on her brow. They sat, smiling into each other’s eyes.
He withdrew his hand and cleared his throat. “You’re busy. Want me to come back another time?”
“No, I’m glad you’re here. I’m almost finished and I can do this another day.” She stood. “Give me a minute to clean these tools and bag the weeds. Be right with you.”
“Take your time.”
She stuffed the weeds in a heavy duty plastic bag, rinsed the tools and dried them with a rag. Hurrying to the bathroom, she washed her face and hands and brushed her hair that stood like a halo of curls from the humidity.
From the open bathroom door, Nina watched him search for a suitable spot for the plant. She couldn’t remember when she’d felt so content. Nature was more lush, the colors more intense, the sky bluer than usual, and her heart beat a little faster because Michael was here.
She joined him. “Where do y
ou think the frangipani would do well?” Her hair fell into her eyes and droplets of sweat splashed on her glasses, blurring her vision. She wiped them with a tissue.
He pointed at a spot in front of her bedroom window. “How about that open space over there? The light is right.”
“I’d like it there. I think I could see it from my bed when it’s taller.”
She grew misty eyed. Seldom had she received anything just for the pleasure the gift would bring her. Yes, André had often given her presents, expensive jewelry, cashmere pullovers, antique pieces of furniture and silver objects for the home. But she had often wished for something more personal, a book or simply his agreeing to accompany her to a concert, but he didn’t consider whether his gift brought her pleasure or not. She wasn’t sure he knew what her preferences were.
“It isn’t big,” Michael cradled the branch in his hand. “But it’ll grow.”
“Thanks for thinking of me. I love watching things grow.”
They strolled hand in hand in the direction of the front yard.
“Care for something to drink?”
He glanced at his watch. “I’m afraid I don’t have time. I’m taking Cindy for dinner and, as you know, we eat early in Cape Coral, so I’m in a bit of a hurry.”
She slowed her step. What was this? Had he come to kill an hour with her, until he could take his ex-wife for dinner? He stops by to see me, bringing a gift he knows I appreciate and then he’s off to take his ex-wife to dinner? He’s like a butterfly, changing the object of his consideration way too often.
“I won’t hide the fact that I’m disappointed. I thought we’d have more time to spend together.”
“While Cindy is in town I have certain obligations.”
“I know, Michael. Cindy isn’t the problem.” This wasn’t quite true—Cindy disturbed Nina in ways she was unable to pinpoint, but how could she admit this to Michael? This early in their burgeoning relationship she had no right to lay any claims to him, so she tried to skirt the issue.
Michael grabbed her by the arm. “Then what is the problem? Because you seem to think there is one.”
“It’s your behavior in general, as if you didn’t know where your priorities are. You’re wonderfully considerate of me, kind and attentive. We have plans to do something together. Then something comes up that’s more important, and I’m cancelled. Suddenly there’s somebody else who needs your attention, so you push me to the background. You tell me all these wonderful things, make these plans, like going to the beach, then act as if I was unimportant.”
“You’re being unreasonable. You know you’re important to me. But it’s frustrating having to defend myself for being friendly to Cindy or to anybody else.” He wet his lips with the tip of his tongue. “Maybe we should stop seeing each other for a while, give you some time to think.”
Briefly she closed her eyes. Opening them, his face was hazy through tears she kept blinking away.
“No, I don’t need time to think,” she said.
“I don’t like feeling guilty for being kind.” He sighed. “Can’t you see what you’re doing, sweetie? We have something very good going for us, but you’re angry because I’m going to see Cindy.”
“I’m not angry. I feel … I don’t know … neglected, I guess.”
“Neglected? You have no reason.”
Careful now, I don’t want to take this too far. The question isn’t whether my emotions are justified. Legitimate or not, they’re there. Through his behavior he makes me feel ignored. It’s as if I become invisible. Her hand shook when she held it out to him. “Let’s not argue, I can’t stand it.” She wrapped her arms around his neck, holding him close, trembling with fear that she would lose him. “I don’t handle disappointments well,” she whispered close to his ear.
Against the curtain of cascading bougainvillea blossoms, Michael took her in his arms and pressed her to him. “Won’t you get it through your little head that I love you?”
Nina twined her fingers in his springy hair and covered his face with quick kisses, little nips of the lips. Her starving mouth found his. She ran her tongue along his lips, first one, then the other. As she opened her mouth, their kiss grew deep, hungry. His hardness pressed against her, but then his hands reached to untangle her arms from around his neck. He took a step back.
“Okay, apology accepted,” he said chuckling.
She sighed. “Good, I’m glad. Hurry now. Don’t be late.”
He brushed his lips against her forehead. “I’ll call you in the evening.”
“Do that.”
Whether she could stomach eating alone or not depended greatly on her mood, Nina realized. After the conversation with the twins her meal alone had seemed quite all right. Looking at the single place setting on the lanai table, Nina sighed; there’s nothing more forlorn than a dining table set for one. The argument with Michael stole her appetite. The food turned to sawdust in her mouth even before she tasted it. She had a few bites of flounder and half a tossed salad and disposed of the rest in the garbage.
While stacking the dishwasher, she had an idea. Leaving the dishes, she rushed into the office, found Walter Driscoll’s e-mail address and typed her message: “I’m divorced, living in Florida. Could do with a temp job, speaking assignment, lecture. Can travel. Got anything for me soon?” She typed her phone number and sent the message. Quickly, before she changed her mind. After she sent it she sank against the back of the chair, excited and anxious at what she’d done. Actually, she’d only sent a message asking for an assignment, she wasn’t committed, and it was possible that Walter wouldn’t respond or didn’t have anything suitable in the immediate future.
Nina wanted some credible reason to take her out of town, away from Michael. She needed space to think, to evaluate this convoluted situation. She wanted a break from the whole mess or she was going to break. Cindy and Michael and what Nina considered his inconsistent behavior all seemed to swirl and waltz around her in ways she didn’t understand and lacked the experience to interpret. Walter, her boss and supervisor from her years with Eastman & Merrill, was the answer. She hoped he had a card up his sleeve that suited her timeframe.
The phone on her desk jingled. Letting it ring she took a deep breath to still the trembling inside. When she thought she could talk without her voice giving away her agitation, she picked up the receiver.
“Hello,” she said.
She heard a chuckle and recognized Michael’s voice before he said, “Hi there. You sound breathless. Did I make you run?”
“No, I was right here by the phone. How are you?”
“I’m fine. Wanted to make sure you’re all right. Are you?”
“Oh yes.”
“Listen, come visit my place tomorrow. I’d like you to see the garden in the daylight.”
She wavered, hoping he didn’t notice. “I’d like to, yes.”
“Great. I have to be at the clinic in the morning. What if I come to fetch you in the afternoon? I’ll show you the garden and my home. We’ll have dinner. How does that sound?”
Sounds terrifying. “Sounds nice. I’d love to see your garden …” the merest hesitation, “… and your home.”
“Cool. I’ll fetch you around three.” His voice low, tentative. “It’s so long.”
“What’s long?”
“Till tomorrow.”
Her laugh was soft.
“And Nina … I love you.” Before she could respond he hung up.
Nina wanted to see his home, to see him in his own setting, but she was apprehensive, the fist of fear making her stomach cramp. She thought of the old joke, “Come see my etchings,” then she scolded herself for being overly suspicious. This was Michael, not some sex-starved stranger. And she had been alone with him before, on many occasions. He was sensitive and understanding. She’d be a
ll right. If she didn’t want anything to happen, nothing would.
Barry and Sophie both had told her to get a life. To live was to take risks.
Chapter 21
The prospect of visiting Michael’s home filled Nina with warring emotions—excitement, a quiet joy that there was somebody for her. But also dizzying apprehension.
While she waited, she moved from the den to the lanai, wandered aimlessly in the garden, looking at the shrubs and flowers without really seeing them, her hands moist, her breathing heavy. She repeated to herself that she wasn’t a mindless victim; she had a choice. If she didn’t want to sleep with him, she had the right to refuse.
When she opened the door for Michael she was a trembling mass of nerves. He took her in his arms, burrowing his face in her neck.
“Hmm, you smell delicious.” He kissed her, a light touch of his lips on hers. “Are you ready?”
She grabbed her purse and cardigan. “I’m ready.”
As he backed the car out of her driveway, he waved to Samantha by her mailbox. Nina smiled and waved, too.
Turning towards Michael, she put a hand on his arm. “The other day we talked about being honest with each other. Remember?”
“Sure I do. What makes you bring it up?”
“Because it’s so easy not to mention certain things. You know, the sins of omission.”
“As for instance?”
“Well, yesterday I talked to Sophie about you and me.”
“You did? Good. Sophie is a levelheaded, no-nonsense lady. If you need to talk to somebody, she’s a good choice. I’m glad you’re friends.”
Nina was surprised he was positive about this. She had expected some evasiveness, like keep this to themselves for now. If it turned sour, he could walk away and nobody the wiser. “Don’t you mind?”
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